My Fiance and I Want a Girlfriend

[Cabi]

My fiance and I have been together for 4+ years and have recently been discussing starting a polyamorous relationship. Up until this point, we have been strictly monogamous with each other and are looking to branch out, as neither of us has had experiences with other people. Our relationship is very healthy and we've talked about our boundaries and hypothetical situations involving a new partner a lot in the last few weeks.
There is a mutual friend that we both would be interested in having as a partner but we aren't sure if they are Poly, let alone interested in either of us outside of being good friends. How should we approach this in a sensitive way that won't damage our friendship with this person? We are concerned we will come off as creepy or just horny? How will we know when we are ready to pursue being in a polyamorous relationship?

 

[Evie]

Hi and welcome to polyamory, it must be a really exciting time for you both as you think, talk and plan how this might come to be.

How should we approach this in a sensitive way that won't damage our friendship with this person? We are concerned we will come off as creepy or just horny?

Very, very carefully. You might want to out your thoughts about this to them without involving them in the scenario at all. Perhaps say you saw something on tiktok and it seemed interesting. Or you watched Professor Marston and The Wonder Women and it seemed like it was hard in that day and age but you're curious if this is more common now.

Then listen closely to their response. If it's positive, still don't ask them to be your third, you will just look horny.

Go make friends in the local poly community, don't make your mistakes on your friend.

Because we all make mistakes.

How will we know when we are ready to pursue being in a polyamorous relationship?

Mainly when you don't feel like this is "adding a third" to your existing relationship. Each of you would be developing a new relationship with another person. That might be the same person, but it's a triangle shape, not a T shape, you shouldn't have to be a package deal.

Your new relationship person should be able to have their own boundaries without you getting protective of your existing relationship to the point that you place restrictions on how the new relationships develop.

Are you ready to have separate social dates with another person? Are you ready to have separate sexy times with another person? Are you ready to have family time with another person? Everything you do with each other should be available to be done with the new person, separately.

Are you ready to break up respectfully? Because this might become a catalyst for that. There are no crystal balls. What if one or both of you stay dating the new person? What if the new person falls in love with one of you but not the other? Could you gracefully let that relationship continue and step back?

How about dating different people each? It's often less complicated if you aren't trying to share someone's attention. And they aren't trying to balance the attention they give you.

So, welcome and feel free to keep asking questions. There's a lot to discover.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Our relationship is very healthy and we've talked about our boundaries and hypothetical situations involving a new partner a lot in the last few weeks.

What did you come up with?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Cabi,

The first thing you must do is, tell your mutual friend that you are polyamorous (or are thinking about trying polyamory). Hopefully this kind of topic will just come up in a conversation sometime.

Do not proposition this friend with an actual three-way relationship unless/until they indicate that they are okay with (and even interested in) poly. One little step at a time.

Perhaps you will get together with this friend, perhaps you will get together with someone else. There may end up being two someones else, poly isn't always an MF+F proposition.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello Cabi,

The first thing you must do is, tell your mutual friend that you are polyamorous (or are thinking about trying polyamory). Hopefully this kind of topic will just come up in a conversation sometime.

There is no need to tell her what she "must" do.

Do not proposition this friend with an actual three-way relationship unless/until they indicate that they are okay with (and even interested in) poly. One little step at a time.

Perhaps you will get together with this friend, perhaps you will get together with someone else. There may end up being two someones else, poly isn't always an MF+F proposition.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Polyamory is, in fact, rarely a balanced triad where all 3 people are all equally in love with and in lust with each other. Attempts by formerly mono couples to make this happen is called "unicorn hunting," because the hunt for a hot bi babe who will be at your beck and call and willing to be shared by a couple with a history is a hunt for a mythical being. Our mainstream media makes poly newbies think this kind of equal triad is THE way to do poly. They even have a cutesy name for it: a throuple. But all that is just to get views. FMF sex is the most common male fantasy. An actual triad between 2 women and one man will fail 99% of the time, if it gets off the ground in the first place.

As Evie said, it is much more practical to date as individuals. Do not expect to share one new girlfriend. If you do find someone up for a fling or three of threesome sex, that is much different from a long-term egalitarian relationship. How would you introduce this hypothetical person to your friends? To your family? What would their response be?

What if she came over to have sex, but only one of you were in the mood? What if she only fell in love with one of you? Do you imagine vetoing her unless the relationship is just as intense with the F as with the M?