Secondary partner needs to pull back a bit

[Photonsun]

Hello, I’m seeking some advice and clarity.

This is my first poly relationship with another woman. We both have husbands and kids and been in a relationship for a couple months. Because of family commitments and distance we only dated twice but have built a deep emotional connection.

Lately she has been stuck with big issues with her kids that are taking most of her time (she explained what these were). She’s been honest saying she doesn’t have the time and energy to meet up but we’ve been chatting daily and I’m absolutely fine with it all, I understand and accept that. She sometimes had to be quiet but was happy to receive a couple messages about my day.

Recently she has told me that she needed to quiet down everything and therefore pull back a bit from our relationship. That she hopes to reach out again in time but she needed to focus her energy at home to find a way through the issues, as things were getting really intense and consuming. She specifically said she’s not saying we will never be in touch again. Because of her past experiences and the way she maintains relationships, I believe what she said.

Obviously for me past the shock of it and the heartbreak, missing our daily chats and being a bit in limbo, I wonder what I should expect from this, the potential outcome, if anyone had a similar experience to share?

I’m fine giving her time and space and wait, I’m in a happy and healthy place with my husband, but is it reasonable to expect something with that woman in the future or am I being blinded?

I’d also like to offer my help, or just remind her I’m here for moral support, and therefore contact her in a couple of weeks if I don’t hear at all from her? Would that be reasonable?

I’m taking this as a breakup at the moment and taking time to reset a bit but the tone of her message, and how she replied to my answer, makes me believe we might be in touch again when things quiet down.

Thanks for reading

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear about the break up.

I’m taking this as a breakup at the moment and taking time to reset a bit but the tone of her message, and how she replied to my answer, makes me believe we might be in touch again when things quiet down.

And that's fine. If/when that happens, you can reconnect.

Recently she has told me that she needed to quiet down everything and therefore pull back a bit from our relationship. That she hopes to reach out again in time but she needed to focus her energy at home to find a way through the issues, as things were getting really intense and consuming. She specifically said she’s not saying we will never be in touch again. Because of her past experiences and the way she maintains relationships, I believe what she said.

So... how did you respond to this?

Like did you already tell her this when it happened?

I’m fine giving her time and space and wait.

I’d also like to offer my help, or just remind her I’m here for moral support, and therefore contact her in a couple of weeks if I don’t hear at all from her? Would that be reasonable?

If you didn't, you could send a quick note like "I don't want to intrude, but I need some clarity. I wanted you to know I'm fine giving you time and space and waiting. I'd also like you to know I'm here if you need moral support or help. If I don't hear from you in a couple of weeks, should I contact you again? Or just leave it up to you to reach out first when things are calmer?"

Then you know what to expect.

And in future communications with people.... ask what you can expect and if you should leave the ball in their court of if you don't hear from them in X weeks, should you reach out.

Then you aren't left wondering.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Photonsun]

I'm sorry to hear about the break up.



And that's fine. If/when that happens, you can reconnect.



So... how did you respond to this?

Like did you already tell her this when it happened?





If you didn't, you could send a quick note like "I don't want to intrude, but I need some clarity. I wanted you to know I'm fine giving you time and space and waiting. I'd also like you to know I'm here if you need moral support or help. If I don't hear from you in a couple of weeks, should I contact you again? Or just leave it up to you to reach out first when things are calmer?"

Then you know what to expect.

And in future communications with people.... ask what you can expect and if you should leave the ball in their court of if you don't hear from them in X weeks, should you reach out.

Then you aren't left wondering.

HTH!
Galagirl

Thank you Galagirl.

I said I understood and thanked her for her message. I already made the suggestion to quiet down our conversations in the previous weeks but she always replied that she was ok with them and that they were helping her, so I kept them on at a gentle pace.

In my reply I also told her it was ok for her to do what she felt was appropriate, and that she could reach out whenever she felt it was the right time and that I was close by.

What I didn’t ask from her was to be more specific about when to contact / which one of us would contact (or in fact share my expectations) or be specific about me offering my help and moral support (but that part I offered the previous week so it seemed a bit redundant). That’s a lesson learned for me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Photonsun,

You might ask your secondary partner when you can expect to hear from her again. So that you get some idea. Also it is nice to tell her that you are here for her, if she needs your help in any way. But do not push, it sounds like space is her main need at this time.

I know it probably feels like a breakup. I am sorry about that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

How did you meet her? Does she live pretty far away? It's hard to do poly when we have young needy kids, or even teenagers. A mom job is very very time consuming.

I was going to say that if you had kids of a similar age, would there be any chance for visits with the kids involved? Like a big play date for everyone, where you and she could also catch up? That wouldn't be very sexy, but at least you'd get to hang out.

 

[Photonsun]

Hello Photonsun,

You might ask your secondary partner when you can expect to hear from her again. So that you get some idea. Also it is nice to tell her that you are here for her, if she needs your help in any way. But do not push, it sounds like space is her main need at this time.

I know it probably feels like a breakup. I am sorry about that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks Kevin.
Sounds like I will give her and myself a bit of space right now and contact her in a week or two to ask her when I can expect to hear from her and offer my help.

 

[Photonsun]

How did you meet her? Does she live pretty far away? It's hard to do poly when we have young needy kids, or even teenagers. A mom job is very very time consuming.

I was going to say that if you had kids of a similar age, would there be any chance for visits with the kids involved? Like a big play date for everyone, where you and she could also catch up? That wouldn't be very sexy, but at least you'd get to hang out.

Thanks Magdlyn,

Yes I know it’s hard work meeting could be possible on a weekend, it’s a day trip. But for now, I think she mostly needs space to go through the logistics and form a plan regarding her kids education. But how much time is that going to take?
Then the rest will flow through. And then meeting up with kids could be an option that I will keep in mind.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Photonsun,

You have the right idea, give her a week or two and then ask her when you can expect to hear from her, and offer your help.

Regards,
Kevin T.