Is it just me?

[SpotTom]

Hi all, just looking for a little advice.

There are 4 of us total (31), me D(26), T(30) and C(35).

Me and D started together and introduced T and C into the our family. i get on really well with T however C is another story.

things started out alright between us, plenty of commination etc. but before Christmas 2021, these things changed. we sat down and had a frank discussion about equality in the family etc. and how we shouldn't let anyone feel left out, intentional or not. we made up and moved on

Christmas Day, I was not able to be with the family, however no seasons greeting from C in an form. Since then communication between me and C had broken down. D and C have both made several excuses regarding this, however don't seem to hold up, such as being busy with work, however found the time to spend a lot of time with D and T, and not so much as a, how are things my way (this is not an isolated incident)

I don't know at this point if it is me, or if something is going on, if C isn't a fan of me, i would rather him just say something for example.

an advice anyone can give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you !

 

[kdt26417]

Hello SpotTom,

It sounds like C is pulling away from you, like he is putting distance between him and you, like he is going cold on you. You might want to make a list of incidents where he has given you the cold shoulder, then sit down with him (just you and him), show him the list, and ask him what's going on. Tell him it's obviously not too busy with work, because he finds the time to spend lots of time with D and T. Ask him what's going on, does he have something personal against you, or do your personalities just not line up? Tell him that something is obviously amiss, and you just want him to be honest with you.

I hope you and C can work this out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are struggling.

I'm confused on some things. I might be wrong in my impressions.

How long have all 4 been together? What relationship model are you four trying to practice together? Like a cross quad, where everyone is dating everyone else?

but before Christmas 2021, these things changed. we sat down and had a frank discussion about equality in the family etc. and how we shouldn't let anyone feel left out, intentional or not. we made up and moved on

Who is "we" here? Just you and C? All 4 people? A different combo?

Is this a reasonable agreement?

I get being reasonably considerate, but isn't ok not to be joined at hip as a quad? That SOMETIMES its just You and D, or you and T, or you and C, and all the other smaller pairings or trios?

Do things HAVE to be equal? What if two people in the quad have work hours that align easily so they can spend lots of time together. And the other two don't... then what? The two people with more free time, in order to keep things "equal" have to stay home alone or hang out with friends and not make dates with each other?

Now that people have gotten to know each other better, are you discovering that a cross quad model may not be the best fit for this group? Could it better as either

(D, T, C in a triad) with (D also dating you?) And you are not involved romantically with T and C?

Or maybe it's two triangles. There's there the (you + D+T) triangle. And then the (D+T+C) triangle. But you are not involved romantically with C?

Some other shape?

don't know at this point if it is me, or if something is going on, if C isn't a fan of me, i would rather him just say something for example.

You know YOU could say something right?

I think if you want to find out what's up and need to clear the air with C? You could talk to C directly what's going on. Could ask plain if the relationship model wants to be something other than originally imagined.

If a romance between you and C isn't really taking off? Maybe it's best to stop trying. Let the romances that are working out carry on. Then you and C just leave it as "basic polite." Like you would the bank teller or grocery clerk if you happen to see them. But not calling them "family" or expecting "family like things" from C.

I encourage you to get your thoughts in order and then have the needed conversation with C.

Galagirl

 

[SpotTom]

Hello SpotTom,

It sounds like C is pulling away from you, like he is putting distance between him and you, like he is going cold on you. You might want to make a list of incidents where he has given you the cold shoulder, then sit down with him (just you and him), show him the list, and ask him what's going on. Tell him it's obviously not too busy with work, because he finds the time to spend lots of time with D and T. Ask him what's going on, does he have something personal against you, or do your personalities just not line up? Tell him that something is obviously amiss, and you just want him to be honest with you.

I hope you and C can work this out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hi Kevin T,

Thank you for the advice, we have both sat down just the two of us and we have talked things over

We have both decided to step back from each other for the time being and reassess in a week and see how things feel from there after we have thought over the points each of us have raised, and discuss where we go from here, if we step back from each other or if we can work things out.

Many thanks again !

Tom

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all,

I am going to aid in the readability of your post by adding nicknames. It will help your readers here.

I'm just looking for a little advice.

There are 4 of us total: me (SpotTom) (31), Dee (26), Tay (30) and CeeCee (35).

Dee and I started together and introduced Tay and CeeCee into the family. I get on really well with Tay. However, CeeCee is another story.

Things started out all right between us, plenty of communication, etc. But before Christmas, 2021, things changed. We sat down and had a frank discussion about equality in the family, etc. and how we shouldn't let anyone feel left out, intentionally or not. We made up and moved on.

On Christmas Day I was not able to be with the family. However no seasons greetings came to me from CeeCee in any form. Since then communication between CeeCee and me has broken down. Dee and CeeCee have both made several excuses regarding this, such as being busy with work. However, they don't seem to hold up. However CeeCee found a lot of time to spend with Dee and Tay, and did not send so much as a "How are things?" my way. (And this was not an isolated incident.)

I don't know at this point if it is me, or if something is going on. If CeeCee isn't a fan of mine, I would rather he just say something, for example.

Any advice anyone can give would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

It seems like you are in some kind of quad. I am not sure of the sex/genders of everyone: if you and Dee were a couple (MF) and started a quad with Tay (F) and CeeCee (M). Maybe you clarified in a later post. I haven't read past the OP. I just wanted to edit your post a little for as much clarity as possible before I go back and read.

Maybe everyone is bi or pansexual and expected to be fully and equally romantically/emotionally/sexually engaged with everyone else in the quad, as much as possible. This is an unrealistic expectation. Each dyad needs to develop at its own pace. That is the simple truth. How you work that out takes skill and time.

I am also not sure if "the family" all lives together, or what. And I am curious how long all this has been going on, how you met, how you prepared for this configuration and polyamory in general.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Tom,

Thanks for that update, I'm glad you and C sat down and made some decisions together. I'm sure you will be able to make even more progress a week from now.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad you both talked directly, openly, and honestly with each other.

We have both decided to step back from each other for the time being and reassess in a week and see how things feel from there after we have thought over the points each of us have raised, and discuss where we go from here, if we step back from each other or if we can work things out.

That sounds reasonable.

Galagirl