phoenixrising
New member
Sworn to monogamy all my life, divorced and been single for over a decade . I decided to try dating once again . Though I have always been monogamous in relationships, I have had my fair share of encounters with men who were married or single and cheating on me . I thought I had done all the self work and happened to meet this person through Match.com. As luck would have it - he was an ethically non-monogamous man and we were attracted to one another . His radical candor about his lifestyle was very refreshing. After all wasn't I most hurt by betrayal of cheaters ? Considering my history with relationships, I decided I would give this new concept a try . I walked in with eyes open and informed. Asked a lot of questions , received a lot of answers , kind compassionate and patient explanation to how this relationship would look like. I was enamoured by the word relationship. That's what I craved. Someone I could hang out with, have fun, share ideas , conversations, plan weekends. I knew I would be jealous over his other relationships, but I imagined it would be fine as he did give me a lot of attention in the beginning and that felt good. I even purchase the book "Ethical Slut " so I could truly understand how it would play out . He lived in with one partner and has two other ladies. He explained he didn't believe in hierarchy so every one was special to him, including me.
Things went well as they do in the beginning of all relationships. We are kind of long distance he living two hours away from where I live but he always made the effort to come visit. IT was usually overnight which meant dinner and sex. When we were apart he would WhatsApp in the mornings or through the day and in the night.
Now its changing. He does not message any more, visits are often brief , still over night. There is still good sex but it does not feel like a relationship. If I don't message he will message once in a while and chat briefly. But he does not like me expressing my emotions. He gets uncomfortable when I say "I miss you " There has been no pressure from my side to make this mono. I am okay with him sticking to his solo poly and expressing his lifestyle.
Going with the understanding that relationships tend to lose intensity in sex but grow in bonding, I have tried to communicate with him on what I need out of this relationship , spending some quality time with me that does not involve sex, planning fun things together. As I imagined it - he would be my boyfriend without strings attached but truly there when we meet or plan things, go out on weekends.
My understanding of a solo poly relationship is : working on building communication trust sex and emotional bonding and sex, with multiple partners. Having a relationship means in true sense we care for each other . There is a connection .
Question is - Have I misunderstood solo-poly? what am I missing here ? Right now it just feels like a hook up ..
Appreciate some clarity on this
Things went well as they do in the beginning of all relationships. We are kind of long distance he living two hours away from where I live but he always made the effort to come visit. IT was usually overnight which meant dinner and sex. When we were apart he would WhatsApp in the mornings or through the day and in the night.
Now its changing. He does not message any more, visits are often brief , still over night. There is still good sex but it does not feel like a relationship. If I don't message he will message once in a while and chat briefly. But he does not like me expressing my emotions. He gets uncomfortable when I say "I miss you " There has been no pressure from my side to make this mono. I am okay with him sticking to his solo poly and expressing his lifestyle.
Going with the understanding that relationships tend to lose intensity in sex but grow in bonding, I have tried to communicate with him on what I need out of this relationship , spending some quality time with me that does not involve sex, planning fun things together. As I imagined it - he would be my boyfriend without strings attached but truly there when we meet or plan things, go out on weekends.
My understanding of a solo poly relationship is : working on building communication trust sex and emotional bonding and sex, with multiple partners. Having a relationship means in true sense we care for each other . There is a connection .
Question is - Have I misunderstood solo-poly? what am I missing here ? Right now it just feels like a hook up ..
Appreciate some clarity on this