mono-solo-poly dilemma ..

phoenixrising

New member
Sworn to monogamy all my life, divorced and been single for over a decade . I decided to try dating once again . Though I have always been monogamous in relationships, I have had my fair share of encounters with men who were married or single and cheating on me . I thought I had done all the self work and happened to meet this person through Match.com. As luck would have it - he was an ethically non-monogamous man and we were attracted to one another . His radical candor about his lifestyle was very refreshing. After all wasn't I most hurt by betrayal of cheaters ? Considering my history with relationships, I decided I would give this new concept a try . I walked in with eyes open and informed. Asked a lot of questions , received a lot of answers , kind compassionate and patient explanation to how this relationship would look like. I was enamoured by the word relationship. That's what I craved. Someone I could hang out with, have fun, share ideas , conversations, plan weekends. I knew I would be jealous over his other relationships, but I imagined it would be fine as he did give me a lot of attention in the beginning and that felt good. I even purchase the book "Ethical Slut " so I could truly understand how it would play out . He lived in with one partner and has two other ladies. He explained he didn't believe in hierarchy so every one was special to him, including me.

Things went well as they do in the beginning of all relationships. We are kind of long distance he living two hours away from where I live but he always made the effort to come visit. IT was usually overnight which meant dinner and sex. When we were apart he would WhatsApp in the mornings or through the day and in the night.

Now its changing. He does not message any more, visits are often brief , still over night. There is still good sex but it does not feel like a relationship. If I don't message he will message once in a while and chat briefly. But he does not like me expressing my emotions. He gets uncomfortable when I say "I miss you " There has been no pressure from my side to make this mono. I am okay with him sticking to his solo poly and expressing his lifestyle.

Going with the understanding that relationships tend to lose intensity in sex but grow in bonding, I have tried to communicate with him on what I need out of this relationship , spending some quality time with me that does not involve sex, planning fun things together. As I imagined it - he would be my boyfriend without strings attached but truly there when we meet or plan things, go out on weekends.

My understanding of a solo poly relationship is : working on building communication trust sex and emotional bonding and sex, with multiple partners. Having a relationship means in true sense we care for each other . There is a connection .

Question is - Have I misunderstood solo-poly? what am I missing here ? Right now it just feels like a hook up ..

Appreciate some clarity on this :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello phoenixrising,

You are not missing anything. All true instances of polyamory (including solo poly) are relationships, not just hookups. What this man is doing with you is just nonmonogamy. Although it may be called ethical nonmonogamy as long as he has your consent. Do you consent to this?

It sounds like his NRE is fading, and he is not committed to having a relationship like you are. This may require you to have a very frank talk with him in which you say, "I want a relationship, not just sex." Then describe to him what relationship means to you. Ask him whether he can provide that for you. Whether he's willing to provide that for you.

It may be that he just needs a wake-up call.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

phoenixrising

New member
Hello phoenixrising,

You are not missing anything. All true instances of polyamory (including solo poly) are relationships, not just hookups. What this man is doing with you is just nonmonogamy. Although it may be called ethical nonmonogamy as long as he has your consent. Do you consent to this?

It sounds like his NRE is fading, and he is not committed to having a relationship like you are. This may require you to have a very frank talk with him in which you say, "I want a relationship, not just sex." Then describe to him what relationship means to you. Ask him whether he can provide that for you. Whether he's willing to provide that for you.

It may be that he just needs a wake-up call.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Hi Kevin, thank you for your candid yet compassionate reply. I have been struggling actually how to articulate my feelings and your advise as above is just what I needed :) . I will ask him in the exact same words as you suggest. appreciate it. It may not be good news but better this than be a hook up , which is not what I signed up for . thank you again
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Doesn't sound like you are missing anything.

People date. Sometimes there's not even enough to make a second date. Sometimes there's enough for initial compatibility. But not DEEP compatibility. That's just how it goes -- whether mono or poly dating.

Sounds like this one was enough to start out, but isn't going to be a long haul runner without changes. Because you want more than he's willing to give now that the NRE is fading and you are out of the pink fluffy lalas and it's more "reality check" time.

Like great that he was refreshing and up front and honest and all... but nope. Not enough there for a long haul run.

You enjoyed dinner + sex dates, but if this is all he's got to offer? And you want other fun stuff on date weekends? Well... dinner+sex dates got old. You want more than just that.

When you talk... If he cannot do more, then you might have to break it off. So bummer... but possible an ok experience for what it was?

Galagirl
 

phoenixrising

New member
Doesn't sound like you are missing anything.

People date. Sometimes there's not even enough to make a second date. Sometimes there's enough for initial compatibility. But not DEEP compatibility. That's just how it goes -- whether mono or poly dating.

Sounds like this one was enough to start out, but isn't going to be a long haul runner without changes. Because you want more than he's willing to give now that the NRE is fading and you are out of the pink fluffy lalas and it's more "reality check" time.

Like great that he was refreshing and up front and honest and all... but nope. Not enough there for a long haul run.

You enjoyed dinner + sex dates, but if this is all he's got to offer? And you want other fun stuff on date weekends? Well... dinner+sex dates got old. You want more than just that.

When you talk... If he cannot do more, then you might have to break it off. So bummer... but possible an ok experience for what it was?

Galagirl
thank you @GalaGirl , I had articulated my wants right in the beginning emphasizing on the relationship . It is definitely an NRE fading unevenly though LOL .. I was just getting into the groove of a comforting bond with the man and sex was getting better for me , and he seems to have had enough of me .. oh well .. it is what it is :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi phoenixrising,

It sucks that you have to face the possibility of a breakup so soon in the relationship with this guy. I can tell you were really looking forward to where things could have gone, if he would have let them go that way.

Hopefully your talk with him will go well.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

phoenixrising

New member
Hi phoenixrising,

It sucks that you have to face the possibility of a breakup so soon in the relationship with this guy. I can tell you were really looking forward to where things could have gone, if he would have let them go that way.

Hopefully your talk with him will go well.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
thank you for the good wishes Kevin . Either ways I trust in the universe, it will be all right . :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
You're quite welcome.
 
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