Poly Triad help

KiraK85

New member
Two years ago, I almost ended my relationship with my husband (he’s the only guy I had been with) because I met someone else when my husband decided to be open. He let me see this guy. Then my husband met someone too. After that, things went sour with the guy.

My husband told his girlfriend that we would like for her to be our girlfriend. So my husband’s girlfriend became my girlfriend too. But since she's been with us, she’s only shown him affection: kisses and playful punches. But if I try to kiss her, she pushes away and I end up kissing her neck, not her lips. Yet she ask my husband about what kind of things I like. She told him she and I need to have a girl's night.

The first time I kissed her she looked a little nervous, but told my husband she liked it. They recently got intimate. I’m not jealous. In fact, her scent on him was a turn-on for me. I keep telling my husband that she doesn't feel about me the way I feel about her.

So, for the last two years it’s been nothing but fighting, to the point where I don’t know what to do. I love my husband. But if I walk away, he's told me that it will be over. I know that I used my guy friend to make him jealous, but we never fought about it.

She and I do flirt with each other, but that’s it. I’m torn because I’ve fallen love with her daughter. I have even accepted her as mine. I think that’s what will hurt me more if things don’t change. From what my husband tells me, she’s just nervous because she’s never been with a woman. She doesn’t know what do. I think that’s something she needs to discuss with me, not him.

Please help.
 
Perhaps she's actually just not sexually attracted to women, or perhaps she simply isn't interested in sharing sexual intimacy with you because it's too complicated for her. You and your husband could just accept that she is your husband's girlfriend and not yours. I suggest you find someone else who you can date who is actually into you, sexually.
 
I hope you feel a bit better for the vent. I'm very sorry you are struggling.

I have a hard time reading with no paragraph breaks, no names, and things not in chronological order. Let me repeat back what I understand so far first. I might guess wrong. You correct me if I am. I'll use blue just to visually block it off.

2 years ago I almost ended my relationship with my husband because of _____?
My husband was the only guy I had been with. Then I met someone else -- Dude. I know that I used my guy friend to make him jealous but never fought about____?
After two years, my husband decided to try open/poly with me and let me see this guy. In the end, things went sour and Dude and I broke up.
After that, my husband met someone himself. My husband told his girlfriend that we would like for her to be our girlfriend, so my husband’s girlfriend became my girlfriend too.
Since Lady has been with us, she’s only shown him affection kisses and playful punches. Lady and I do flirt with each other but that’s it. If I try to kiss her she pushes away and I end up kissing her neck rather than her lips. So I think she doesn't really want to date me.
Yet Lady asks my husband about what kind of things I like. She tells him she and I need to have a girls night. The first time I kissed her, she looked a little nervous but told my husband she liked it.
They recently got intimate. I’m not jealous. In fact, her scent on him was a turn-on for me. I keep telling my husband that she’s not feeling me like the way I feel about her.
So for the last two years it’s been nothing but fighting with my husband. I don’t know what do. I love my husband but if I walk away from participating in this triad thing, he tells me that it’s over between him and me.
I’m torn because I’ve fallen love with her daughter and accepted her as mine. I think that’s what will hurt me most if things don’t change.
From what my husband tells me, she’s just nervous because she’s never been with a woman she doesn’t know what do. I think that’s something she needs to discuss with me not him. Please help.

Is this about it? If so?

I think you and your GF need to stop "going through" your husband. And communicate by talking directly and simply to each other.

You could ask her for a time to talk and when the time comes, speak plainly. Say something like:

"I think we need to talk about you and me breaking up. It's been ____ months of trying. It's not really taking off. Sometimes that happens. It's fine if you want to keep dating DH, and this changes from a triad shape to a V shape.
I do care about you and your daughter. And if you want to, I would like to continue as good exes and try being friends instead of trying to be girlfriends. What do you think?"

If your husband is going to dump you or GF because you both gave it a whirl and had no sparks, neither of you wanted to date each other after all, that's not being realistic. That leg of the triangle is NOT up to him. It's up to you and the GF to figure out what you want to be to each other. Once can't force triads. He might have to let go of his triad fantasy.

There's nothing wrong with aiming for a stable V, and over time if you want to seek a new partner of your own, you could do that. Or maybe will GF want a new partner. People don't all have to date each other in a group, everyone dating everyone else. They can make their own connections.

Galagirl
 
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Perhaps she's actually just not sexually attracted to women or perhaps she simply isn't interested in sharing sexual intimacy with you because it's too complicated for her. You and your husband could just accept that she is your husband's girlfriend and not yours. I suggest you find someone else who you can date who is actually into you, sexually.
She’ll ask him questions about me and what I prefer in the bedroom
 
Hello KiraK85,

It sounds like you need to sit down with this person and have a heart-to-heart conversation with her. You could have a girls' night out with her.

I get the impression that she is more into your husband than you. You need to decide if that's a dynamic you can live with.

I'm sorry your husband is threatening you with leaving you. That isn't very fair on his part. You can't be forced into having a romantic relationship with his girlfriend.

She is asking your husband about what you like in the bedroom, but she isn't asking you, and she isn't acting on it.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
She’ll ask him questions about me and what I prefer in the bedroom
She's trying to please you because she thinks that's what she has to do in order to keep the relationship with your husband. She is clearly not into you sexually. I cringed reading this because it sounds like she's doing something she doesn't really want to do.

Just because things didn't work out with your boyfriend doesn't mean your husband's girlfriend is required to be with you too. Why not just be a V instead of a triad? Your husband can have a relationship with you and a relationship with his girlfriend, but you don't need to be with his girlfriend.

You can then seek out another partner of your own.

Do you all live together and with her daughter, too?
 
Because I needed a rant, a lot of you mistook what I said as I was going to leave my husband for another guy. My husband never said he was going to leave me and she knows he wouldn’t leave me for her.
 
Okay, thanks for that clarification, I thought maybe he was telling you he was going to leave you, I think I misread that.
 
Thank you for clarifying.

I hope you were able to talk things out and let it be a V if a triad isn't going to work out.

GG
 
For my birthday she got me a really pretty necklace with an infinity heart that says "I love you" in 100 different languages, if you look at through a camera lens.
 
That's a very thoughtful birthday gift that she gave you. It shows that she must have some kind of feelings for you, don't you think?
 
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