That's not actually what I was saying, but it's fine if you see it that way. You thought the sex would be so great you'd both be able to stop thinking about health status. Also, it seems like you're feeling bad about the weight gain and thought you'd be so swept away by the great feelings you'd be able to let go of your fears/lack of confidence.
Maybe I didn't communicate that effectively - we didn't have sex to stop thinking of our health, we had sex because we wanted to, but the act found to not be good and after the fact we realized we probably weren't ready. As for my body image, when I feel insecure about one thing with a partner then it can cause me to be nervous about other things - like going down a rabbit hole. In a way yes I thought after we had sex I would feel more confident about his attraction to me. Again, we see now in hindsight what happened and all we can do is move forward and want to. Does that make sense?
I wonder if you both tested for other STDs before having sex. Also, is there a chance you might've become pregnant when the condom slipped off?
He and I were both tested for STD's before we had sex - we showed each other our info when we had the sex talk which the day before our date (the night we had sex) and it was on this day I advised him of my HSV. I am fixed so can not get pregnant.
It sounds like you both think "sex" means penis in vagina. There are a range of sexual activities. To me, it's all sex. Yes, for men and women, penis in vagina is usually seen as going all the way (an old fashioned term), but you can have lots of pleasure and orgasms without that particular act. There is no rush. I happen to be queer and so I never think of only PIV as "sex," since women together, or non-binary people do many other things and consider it sex. Even gay men do things other than anal penetration, or even oral sex, and can still achieve pleasure and release. Mutual masturbation is ever popular. There are toys. Even cybersex can work if you're long distance or just like to tease each other before a date in person. Or in your case, build your confidence or learn to trust him.
Maybe I am not versed on the terminology to use yet but yes we think of sex to include all forms - oral, anal, foreplay, all of it, so maybe it would be better is I used PIV for description? I am always open to learning how to best use words and its meaning. Yes, I am aware we can have pleasure not just through PIV and we will be exploring that moving forward. Thank you for the suggestions - I am excited at the thought of using these to create our build again and hope this will help us not only in the bedroom but bring us closer.
I understand you have body image worries. But what are his worries?
Worries about his image or my body? He has not expressed anything negative about MY body and he hasn't expressed any worries about his own body.
It sounds like:
1. You've lost confidence in your ability to look attractive to a partner since you've gained a bit of weight. Of course this is an extremely common feeling, especially for women. We are so hard on ourselves. Maybe you felt a lot of pressure growing up to be a certain weight. I'd say, if your new bf is wanting to be affectionate with you, despite his own fitness, he is attracted to you just as you are. If you want to be able to be active with him, do sporty things, you can start taking walks and do some other exercises to get in better shape. Even if you don't lose lots of weight, you can build your stamina. Personally, I'm on the thick side and I've dated lots of people who find me attractive, including my current partners.
Yes I have lost confidence, and it's been so hard trying to get it back. I have always been an overweight woman and there was a time when I had no issues with confidence, until I lost 135 lbs. While it was great for my health, I didn't like the way I looked, so I gained 25 lbs back and loved my body at that weight. Since then though I have gained even more and it's just been messing with me. My body has been changing recently and I have had some lung issues but I am working hard to get back into the gym. I am disappointed in myself that I have fallen off my workout routine and gained even more weight. His body is amazing so I do feel intimidated at times by it, he has never berated my body or anything like that, and I don't even know why I have become so worried but I am working on this as I know this is MY issue.
2. Maybe since you do care about him so much, you want everything to be perfect, so you don't lose him. But wanting it to be perfect is what caused you to feel so much pressure and have it end up awkward. Kind of a Catch 22.
Crazy you mention this - I thought of this today! It's been two years since my last relationship (with someone other than my husband) and that relationship was amazing and so easy, the sex was mind blowing, and our connection was very much like this one. I hadn't found anyone I wanted that with again till now so yes I want and wanted it to be perfect. But as you stated I def agree its causing pressure - so how do I move passed this or we get out of this? lol We both want this to work - it would have been easier to just end it 3 weeks ago, but we know we have something deeper than just sex but we would like the sex to be just as amazing.
In both cases, is there a problem with being a perfectionist?
This is a great question - maybe its something he and I can discuss.
Thank you again for engaging in conversation with me, it truly has helped! We have a date tonight so I am very excited to see him and just be with each other in privacy to connect over a movie and allow our bodies to be in each others space. No PIV but I am open to other forms to connect and have intimacy.