Will he ever sleep with me again?

lrmartinez78

New member
I’m in a Polyamorous Marriage. After 2 years of searching I’ve now found a man im crazy about. It started amazing - we were so into each other! I felt our relationship was headed towards having sex and so as always I felt it was time to advised him I am HSV positive due to a rape when I was 16. I told him the day before a date we had schedule to happen at his home! When I told him I was positive and upbeat as I’m not ashamed of my disease. I advised him how I manage it and haven’t had an outbreak for 8 years and from my knowledge all of my partners have never texted positive including my husband of 15 years!

He stated he wanted to continue to pursue our relationship! We ended up having sex the next day and the condom came off inside me and he seemed to withdrawl even though we finished. He told me the next day when I asked him about thing that it freaked him out and he needed to slow things down! Since then it’s been up and down, we have been on dates, kiss and have fun but he doesn’t text or call like he used to and while he calls me his girlfriend he doesn’t seem to wanna have sex again!

Any suggestions on what I could do?

Is he keeping me around cause of our mental and fun connection but isn’t attracted to me anymore? Is he keeping me around till someone new comes? His words say one thing but his action opposite! I asked him if he wanted to cuddle the day away and he said he was busy! I’m so torn on if I should see this through and be patient or just end things! I really like him and I know we have the potential to be great but I don’t want a partnership with out intimacy! Help please!
 
Is he keeping me around cause of our mental and fun connection but isn’t attracted to me anymore? Is he keeping me around till someone new comes?
He's the only one who can actually answer these questions.

If he says he's freaked out by the condom coming off, perhaps you could remind him that condoms don't prevent herpes transmission anyway. Not that that's likely to reassure him....

Can you be an excellent receiver of bad news if he says that it's just too high of a risk factor for him?

Would it be easier on you to just end things so you don't stay in this limbo?
 
Hello lrmartinez78,

I think you need to sit down with this man you're seeing, and have a heart-to-heart talk with him about how he feels about sex and the risk factor. Is he still attracted you? You should ask him that. He probably is, but I can't tell whether he's still freaked out about the condom slipping off. You really need to ask him if he is. Face to face. Sex should always be a consensual thing, so if he doesn't want to have sex that should be his decision. But you need to ask him very directly whether he still wants to have sex with you. It's the only way you're going to know the answer.

He does seem to be pulling away from you. You need to know if this is coincidental, or if it is related to his feelings about the HSV. I'm tempted to say you should just break up with him, but then I think you should have a heart-to-heart with him, face-to-face, first. Communication is very important. You need to share with him how you feel about things, and you need him to share with you how he feels. Otherwise you are both in a painful state of limbo, just guessing, trying to read each other's minds. Don't guess. Get it all out on the table.

Such is my initial take on things,
Kevin T.
 
Hello lrmartinez78,

I think you need to sit down with this man you're seeing, and have a heart-to-heart talk with him about how he feels about sex and the risk factor. Is he still attracted you? You should ask him that. He probably is, but I can't tell whether he's still freaked out about the condom slipping off. You really need to ask him if he is. Face to face. Sex should always be a consensual thing, so if he doesn't want to have sex that should be his decision. But you need to ask him very directly whether he still wants to have sex with you. It's the only way you're going to know the answer.

He does seem to be pulling away from you. You need to know if this is coincidental, or if it is related to his feelings about the HSV. I'm tempted to say you should just break up with him, but then I think you should have a heart-to-heart with him, face-to-face, first. Communication is very important. You need to share with him how you feel about things, and you need him to share with you how he feels. Otherwise you are both in a painful state of limbo, just guessing, trying to read each other's minds. Don't guess. Get it all out on the table.

Such is my initial take on things,
Kevin T.
Thank you Kevin,

I actually spoke with him today. He stated he is still attracted and we both agreed that night that the sex wasn’t great. We both built up that moment in our head because of our connection and then it went a completely different way! He wasn’t present because he was thinking about the HSV and I was so nervous about my body and it being our first time!

Our dilemma is now getting that build back to want to be intimate again. We both expressed our fear of the next time and not wanting it to be bad that it ruins our relationship. So we agreed to continue to date and hopefully find a way to create that build again. I’ve read we should try again ASAP but both he and I need a build so that's what we working on.

Thank you for your advise and I’m hoping it isn’t over for us and that he AND I can find our way back to that fire we have before our first time.
 
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I actually spoke with him today and he stated that he was still attracted. We both agreed that the sex that night wasn’t great. We had both built up that moment in our heads because of our connection and then it went a completely different way! He wasn’t present because he was thinking about the HSV and I was very nervous about my body and it being our first time!

Our dilemma now is getting that build-up back to wanting to be intimate again. We both expressed our fear of the next time and not wanting it to be so bad that it ruins our relationship. So we've agreed to continue to date and hopefully find a way to create that build-up again. I’ve read we should try again ASAP, but both he and I need a build-up. So I’m hoping we can find that fire again!

I’m hoping it isn’t over for us and that he AND I can find our way back to that fire we had before our first time.
Are you saying the sex was bad because you were both nervous about the HSV, plus you are self-conscious about your body, plus then there was the added problem of the condom coming off? It does sound like neither of you were ready for full intercourse, but tried to shut up the nervous voices in your heads and do it anyway. Also, condoms usually do not slip off. Can you investigate why that happened? Did it not fit correctly? Was there vaginal dryness because of your nerves? Something else?

I'd say it's a great idea to back up and get to know each other better, and take the build-up to intercourse more slowly. There are plenty of sexual things that can be done without a penis in a vagina. Also, your partner could do their own reading to be reassured that they probably won't get HSV from you, and that, even if they do, it's not a terrible disease like HIV or something.
 
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Are you saying the sex was bad because you were both nervous about the HSV, plus you are self-conscious about your body, plus then there was the added problem of the condom coming off? It does sound like neither of you were ready for full intercourse, but tried to shut up the nervous voices in your heads and do it anyway. Also, condoms usually do not slip off. Can you investigate why that happened? Did it not fit correctly? Was there vaginal dryness because of your nerves? Something else?

I'd say it's a great idea to back up and get to know each other better, and take the build-up to intercourse more slowly. There are plenty of sexual things that can be done without a penis in a vagina. Also, your partner could do their own reading to be reassured that they probably won't get HSV from you, and that, even if they do, it's not a terrible disease like HIV or something.
Hello,

I should rephrase - we both agreed it wasn't bad it just wasn't great or amazing. We both had built it up in our heads that the sex would be mind blowing because our connection was so strong and we had such an amazing build. But the day before we had sex I told him of the HSV - so his mind was on that and MY mind was on him thinking about the HSV and my body. He is very in shape and it had been 2 year since I had been with someone new and have gained weight since then. So yes that's a great way to put it - we were quieting our nervous voices with sex.

In hindsight, we agree we shouldn't have had sex but because we felt it before the info was given we went ahead with the sex. We both agree now we should have taken a moment and waited. As for the condom, yes I was dry and after it slipped off he grabbed the lube and a new condom which allowed us to finish. Since then it has been two weeks (three this week) and we have been dating. We see eachother about twice a week and when we do we kiss but that's the extent. On our last date we were a bit more affectionate with each other, touching each other on occasion and a few kisses in public - it was very nice. I suggested our next date (which is tonight) we hang out at his place but enjoy just being with each other and not have sex but rather cuddle and spend time in each others space. He liked that idea so that is what we will be doing tonight. I would love to explore more with him on intimacy and what that looks like for him with out penetration. One thing we did establish was that we are still very much attracted to each other and our fear or worry has gotten the best of us. It was a good talk and while we are worried about the next time we aren't rushing it. We also established that we relate penetration with attraction so yes taking a step back and finding that intimacy (making out and affection but no sex) will be good for us. Also, forgot to add we did discuss him educating himself on the HSV which he has been and is more comfortable with that now - he doesnt feel that will be the issue moving forward.

It said something to us that we both could have that talk and that we obviously care for each other and value our relationship outside of intimacy, just hoping we can get past this hurdle and find our way to each other in the bed room and get out of our heads! lol

Advise on how to get out of my head? lol I am usually a very confident woman and not sure why I was insecure that evening. I've had bad sex before but then it didn't bother me because it wasn't a relationship or someone I wanted to pursue things with. Thanks again for listening and providing feedback without judgment - I truly appreciate it!
 
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He's the only one who can actually answer these questions.

If he says he's freaked out by the condom coming off, perhaps you could remind him that condoms don't prevent herpes transmission anyway. Not that that's likely to reassure him....

Can you be an excellent receiver of bad news if he says that it's just too high of a risk factor for him?

Would it be easier on you to just end things so you don't stay in this limbo?
Hello,

My apologies as I thought I responded. Since then yes he has educated himself on HSV and the condoms - whats reassured him since I wrote this is the more information he is gathering and learning.

As for an excellent receiver of bad news - I mean if I am being honest is anyone excellent at receiving bad news? Being in ENM I have grown to accept rejection - not saying it is always easy but yes what I welcome is honesty and understand and respect how one may feel. I in fact encourage many to share their true feelings and accept it without judgement or push back but rather listen actively to ensure we have communicated effectively. I am human and while I may be disappointed I am respectful and appreciative of the truth even if it can hurt!

Since your message we had a great talk when we checked in with each other this past Sunday - you can read below if you wish. I will say we aren't in limbo any longer but we are taking it slow and working to recreate that build. We have established we still want each other sexually and are willing to work towards that - being that patience isn't one of my strong suits this is helping me remember that intimacy is more than just penetration. The first time may not have been as amazing as we had both hoped but we are hoping if we take our time to recreate that build we can find our way to amazing sex like our convos and connection. Thank you again for your input and advise!
 
We both agreed it wasn't bad, it just wasn't great or amazing. We'd both built it up in our heads that the sex would be mind blowing because our connection was so strong. But the day before we had sex I told him of the HSV, so his mind was on that and MY mind was on him thinking about the HSV and my body. He is very in shape/ It had been 2 years since I had been with someone new and I've gained weight since then. So yes, that's a great way to put it: we were quieting our nervous voices with sex.
That's not actually what I was saying, but it's fine if you see it that way. You thought the sex would be so great you'd both be able to stop thinking about health status. Also, it seems like you're feeling bad about the weight gain and thought you'd be so swept away by the great feelings you'd be able to let go of your fears/lack of confidence.
In hindsight, we agree we shouldn't have had sex but because we felt like it before the info was given [about HSV], we went ahead with the sex. We agree now we should have taken a moment and waited.

As for the condom, yes I was dry and after it slipped off he grabbed the lube and a new condom, which allowed us to finish.
I wonder if you both tested for other STDs before having sex. Also, is there a chance you might've become pregnant when the condom slipped off?
Since then it has been two-three weeks, and we have been dating. We see each other about twice a week and we do we kiss, but that's the extent of it. On our last date we were a bit more affectionate with each other, touching each other on occasion and had a few kisses in public. It was very nice. I suggested on our next date we hang out at his place, enjoy being with each other, not have sex but just cuddle and spend time in each others space. He liked that idea so that is what we will be doing tonight.

I would love to explore intimacy more, and what that looks like for him without penetration.
It sounds like you both think "sex" means penis in vagina. There are a range of sexual activities. To me, it's all sex. Yes, for men and women, penis in vagina is usually seen as going all the way (an old fashioned term), but you can have lots of pleasure and orgasms without that particular act. There is no rush. I happen to be queer and so I never think of only PIV as "sex," since women together, or non-binary people do many other things and consider it sex. Even gay men do things other than anal penetration, or even oral sex, and can still achieve pleasure and release. Mutual masturbation is ever popular. There are toys. Even cybersex can work if you're long distance or just like to tease each other before a date in person. Or in your case, build your confidence or learn to trust him.
One thing we did establish was that we are still very much attracted to each other and our fear or worry has gotten the best of us. It was a good talk. While we are worried about the next time we aren't rushing it.
I understand you have body image worries. But what are his worries?
We also established that we relate penetration with attraction. So yes, we are taking a step back and finding that other kinds of intimacy (making out and affection, but no PIV sex) will be good for us.

I forgot to add that we did discuss him educating himself about HSV. He has been and is more comfortable with that now.

It said something to us that we both could have that talk. We obviously care for each other and value our relationship outside of intimacy. I am just hoping we can get past this hurdle, find our way to each other in the bedroom and get out of our heads! lol

Advice on how to get out of my head? lol I am usually a very confident woman and not sure why I was insecure that evening. I've had bad sex before but then it didn't bother me because it wasn't a relationship or someone I wanted to pursue things with.
It sounds like:
1. You've lost confidence in your ability to look attractive to a partner since you've gained a bit of weight. Of course this is an extremely common feeling, especially for women. We are so hard on ourselves. Maybe you felt a lot of pressure growing up to be a certain weight. I'd say, if your new bf is wanting to be affectionate with you, despite his own fitness, he is attracted to you just as you are. If you want to be able to be active with him, do sporty things, you can start taking walks and do some other exercises to get in better shape. Even if you don't lose lots of weight, you can build your stamina. Personally, I'm on the thick side and I've dated lots of people who find me attractive, including my current partners.
2. Maybe since you do care about him so much, you want everything to be perfect, so you don't lose him. But wanting it to be perfect is what caused you to feel so much pressure and have it end up awkward. Kind of a Catch 22.

In both cases, is there a problem with being a perfectionist?
 
Hi lrmartinez78,

Just let it build naturally, don't try to force it. Continue dating each other, and keep the channels of communication open. Also, try not to build up in your mind that the next time you have sex, it must be spectacular or else it will be a failure. Just think of sex as an opportunity to share some closeness. One session of sex is not the whole story.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
That's not actually what I was saying, but it's fine if you see it that way. You thought the sex would be so great you'd both be able to stop thinking about health status. Also, it seems like you're feeling bad about the weight gain and thought you'd be so swept away by the great feelings you'd be able to let go of your fears/lack of confidence.
Maybe I didn't communicate that effectively - we didn't have sex to stop thinking of our health, we had sex because we wanted to, but the act found to not be good and after the fact we realized we probably weren't ready. As for my body image, when I feel insecure about one thing with a partner then it can cause me to be nervous about other things - like going down a rabbit hole. In a way yes I thought after we had sex I would feel more confident about his attraction to me. Again, we see now in hindsight what happened and all we can do is move forward and want to. Does that make sense?
I wonder if you both tested for other STDs before having sex. Also, is there a chance you might've become pregnant when the condom slipped off?
He and I were both tested for STD's before we had sex - we showed each other our info when we had the sex talk which the day before our date (the night we had sex) and it was on this day I advised him of my HSV. I am fixed so can not get pregnant.
It sounds like you both think "sex" means penis in vagina. There are a range of sexual activities. To me, it's all sex. Yes, for men and women, penis in vagina is usually seen as going all the way (an old fashioned term), but you can have lots of pleasure and orgasms without that particular act. There is no rush. I happen to be queer and so I never think of only PIV as "sex," since women together, or non-binary people do many other things and consider it sex. Even gay men do things other than anal penetration, or even oral sex, and can still achieve pleasure and release. Mutual masturbation is ever popular. There are toys. Even cybersex can work if you're long distance or just like to tease each other before a date in person. Or in your case, build your confidence or learn to trust him.
Maybe I am not versed on the terminology to use yet but yes we think of sex to include all forms - oral, anal, foreplay, all of it, so maybe it would be better is I used PIV for description? I am always open to learning how to best use words and its meaning. Yes, I am aware we can have pleasure not just through PIV and we will be exploring that moving forward. Thank you for the suggestions - I am excited at the thought of using these to create our build again and hope this will help us not only in the bedroom but bring us closer.
I understand you have body image worries. But what are his worries?
Worries about his image or my body? He has not expressed anything negative about MY body and he hasn't expressed any worries about his own body.
It sounds like:
1. You've lost confidence in your ability to look attractive to a partner since you've gained a bit of weight. Of course this is an extremely common feeling, especially for women. We are so hard on ourselves. Maybe you felt a lot of pressure growing up to be a certain weight. I'd say, if your new bf is wanting to be affectionate with you, despite his own fitness, he is attracted to you just as you are. If you want to be able to be active with him, do sporty things, you can start taking walks and do some other exercises to get in better shape. Even if you don't lose lots of weight, you can build your stamina. Personally, I'm on the thick side and I've dated lots of people who find me attractive, including my current partners.
Yes I have lost confidence, and it's been so hard trying to get it back. I have always been an overweight woman and there was a time when I had no issues with confidence, until I lost 135 lbs. While it was great for my health, I didn't like the way I looked, so I gained 25 lbs back and loved my body at that weight. Since then though I have gained even more and it's just been messing with me. My body has been changing recently and I have had some lung issues but I am working hard to get back into the gym. I am disappointed in myself that I have fallen off my workout routine and gained even more weight. His body is amazing so I do feel intimidated at times by it, he has never berated my body or anything like that, and I don't even know why I have become so worried but I am working on this as I know this is MY issue.
2. Maybe since you do care about him so much, you want everything to be perfect, so you don't lose him. But wanting it to be perfect is what caused you to feel so much pressure and have it end up awkward. Kind of a Catch 22.
Crazy you mention this - I thought of this today! It's been two years since my last relationship (with someone other than my husband) and that relationship was amazing and so easy, the sex was mind blowing, and our connection was very much like this one. I hadn't found anyone I wanted that with again till now so yes I want and wanted it to be perfect. But as you stated I def agree its causing pressure - so how do I move passed this or we get out of this? lol We both want this to work - it would have been easier to just end it 3 weeks ago, but we know we have something deeper than just sex but we would like the sex to be just as amazing.
In both cases, is there a problem with being a perfectionist?
This is a great question - maybe its something he and I can discuss.

Thank you again for engaging in conversation with me, it truly has helped! We have a date tonight so I am very excited to see him and just be with each other in privacy to connect over a movie and allow our bodies to be in each others space. No PIV but I am open to other forms to connect and have intimacy.
 
Hi lrmartinez78,

Just let it build naturally, don't try to force it. Continue dating each other, and keep the channels of communication open. Also, try not to build up in your mind that the next time you have sex, it must be spectacular or else it will be a failure. Just think of sex as an opportunity to share some closeness. One session of sex is not the whole story.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
Yes, that's the plan, and I agree one session doesn't need to be the end - thank you again!
 
No problem -- and I wish you the best.
 
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