I'm poly curious and my partner is on the fence

[DarkestCowgirl]

Hi, so I'm just gonna word vomit and hope someone can help me.
I'm curious about starting polyamory/open relationships. My partner however is on the fence and is confused, he's willing to let me explore with women but I really would like to explore both. I've heard about "play parties" and would like know more and see if we could benefit from that. But how can I open his eyes to see from my POV that I don't want to leave him, I just want to explore and have fun. Maybe date other people while keeping him as my primary, which brings me to another question... I really want to date his best friend too. We have fooled around with a threesome but it didn't really "go as planned?" But I still have strong feelings for him but I don't want to cross that boundary and hurt anyone or ruin any relationship. .... I just hope someone can help me better understand these feelings I have and help me better understand polyamory

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, so I'm just gonna word vomit and hope someone can help me. I'm curious about starting polyamory/open relationships. My partner, however, is on the fence and confused.

You seem to have several concerns going in to this desire to open your relationship. First and foremost, I would recommend getting the book Opening Up, by Taormino. It's on Amazon. It covers all the bases, and presents all of the common mistakes you might make or be able to prevent.

It's really best to do a good 6 months to a year of research and discussion before attempting to start dating outside of a formerly monogamous relationship.

He's willing to let me explore with women, but I really would like to explore both.

This is pretty common in our patriarchal culture. Men have been trained to not let other men have sex with "their" woman. That is seen as a weakness, cuckoldry, etc. Men are very competitive over their "territory" (perhaps you've noticed). Women aren't seen so much as real people. You couldn't possibly leave him for a person without a penis! (sarcasm)

I've heard about "play parties" and would like know more and see if we could benefit from that.

Playing with others' bodies, or swinging, is a different kind of ethical non-monogamy, which is also covered in the book I mentioned. It is entirely different from polyamory, in that usually swingers try to keep their hearts out of the mix. (This is not always possible, and takes a certain kind of person, or mindset, or discipline, and definitely a hierarchy.)

But how can I open his eyes to see from my POV that I don't want to leave him, I just want to explore, have fun, and maybe date other people while keeping him as my primary?

It takes good practical information, open-hearted respectful conversations, time, and sometimes couples counseling. And it sounds like you want more than "fun."

Which brings me to another question. I really want to date his best friend too. We have fooled around in a threesome, but it didn't really "go as planned." I still have strong feelings for him, but I don't want to cross that boundary and hurt anyone or ruin any relationships.

It seems convenient to play around with one of your best friends, or partner's best friends, but of course, adding sex into the mix can ruin the friendship already in place by causing jealousy and envy. If you have "strong feelings" for this guy, you might love him and are not just lusting after his body, as I referred to above. For many poly couples, we put on our list of "hard no": please don't date my best friend (or my family members, my boss, our next door neighbor...).

I just hope someone can help me better understand these feelings I have and help me better understand polyamory

It's one thing to catch feelings for someone not your partner. I'd say the huge majority of people in couples have had this happen to them. People are built to be promiscuous. It is actually making a move to try and be in relationships with more than one that is not supported by our mono-normative culture. You've come to the right place to start to learn about how to do that with the least amount of harm and stress.

 

[DarkestCowgirl]

You seem to have several concerns going in to this desire to open your relationship. First and foremost, I would recommend getting the book Opening Up, by Taormino. It's on Amazon. It covers all the bases, and presents all of the common mistakes you might make or be able to prevent.

It's really best to do a good 6 months to a year of research and discussion before attempting to start dating outside of a formerly monogamous relationship.

This is pretty common in our patriarchal culture. Men have been trained to not let other men have sex with "their" woman. That is seen as a weakness, cuckoldry, etc. Men are very competitive over their "territory" (perhaps you've noticed). Women aren't seen so much as real people. You couldn't possibly leave him for a person without a penis! (sarcasm)

Playing with others' bodies, or swinging, is a different kind of ethical non-monogamy, which is also covered in the book I mentioned. It is entirely different from polyamory, in that usually swingers try to keep their hearts out of the mix. (This is not always possible, and takes a certain kind of person, or mindset, or discipline, and definitely a hierarchy.)

It takes good practical information, open-hearted respectful conversations, time, and sometimes couples counseling. And it sounds like you want more than "fun."

It seems convenient to play around with one of your best friends, or partner's best friends, but of course, adding sex into the mix can ruin the friendship already in place by causing jealousy and envy. If you have "strong feelings" for this guy, you might love him and are not just lusting after his body, as I referred to above. For many poly couples, we put on our list of "hard no": please don't date my best friend (or my family members, my boss, our next door neighbor...).

It's one thing to catch feelings for someone not your partner. I'd say the huge majority of people in couples have had this happen to them. People are built to be promiscuous. It is actually making a move to try and be in relationships with more than one that is not supported by our mono-normative culture. You've come to the right place to start to learn about how to do that with the least amount of harm and stress.

This was extremely eye opening and helpful! Thank you so much! I have actually started listening to a podcast about poly curious, and I have now realized I've used the word polyamory wrong and I am interested in looking into "non-monogamy" I am certainly going to do more research and look into buying that book.
When do you think it would be best I have this conversation with him to let him better understand how I am feeling?

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings DarkestCowgirl,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think the thing to do here, is to sit down with your partner, and explain to him that you don't want to leave him, you just want to explore and have fun. Then, return to this thread and tell us how he responds. Maybe there are specific reasons why he is not seeing your point of view.

Open/poly is quite a natural way to conduct relationships, but unfortunately, it is frowned upon by society in general. Your partner is probably listening to his monogamous programming when he imagines open/poly resulting in the worst. I hope you can talk to him and get past that programming.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Iceberg_slimm]

Hey all I’m iceberg just stumbled here I’m new but been readin and enjoying the conversations so far, cool

 

[Iceberg_slimm]

This was extremely eye opening and helpful! Thank you so much! I have actually started listening to a podcast about poly curious, and I have now realized I've used the word polyamory wrong and I am interested in looking into "non-monogamy" I am certainly going to do more research and look into buying that book.
When do you think it would be best I have this conversation with him to let him better understand how I am feeling?

Oops sry I thought this was the introduction page….but dammmnnn girl that’s a tough spot, as a dude I would kinda not wanna be that close to my best bud…I’d if anything anyone but, to me thats to close….just for me tho, but there’s so much in this scenario I probably straight up ask my partner about this situation fully so that trust can be kept, and fuk thats a tough situation…but maybe if you think he’s not up for it maybe get him a girl to play with you guys first instead of goin right to the best friend ….hopefully magdlyn helps ya out I’m just kinda random passerby here, g’luck cowgirl

 

[DarkestCowgirl]

Greetings DarkestCowgirl,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I think the thing to do here, is to sit down with your partner, and explain to him that you don't want to leave him, you just want to explore and have fun. Then, return to this thread and tell us how he responds. Maybe there are specific reasons why he is not seeing your point of view.

Open/poly is quite a natural way to conduct relationships, but unfortunately, it is frowned upon by society in general. Your partner is probably listening to his monogamous programming when he imagines open/poly resulting in the worst. I hope you can talk to him and get past that programming.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

I talked to him and it was a very heart wrenching conversation. I did my best to explain how I feel and that I don't love him any less, that I just crave "variety". But his main input for this was that he couldn't see us having a successful relationship and that he and I won't "see eye to eye" on the subject. I should also add that he does love me very much and shows it every day.

 

[kdt26417]

Well, if he loves you, that's the most important thing, don't you think? Just mention open/poly to him from time to time, who knows, he might have a change of heart. He seems to be adamant about monogamy for the moment.

 

[Iceberg_slimm]

I talked to him and it was a very heart wrenching conversation. I did my best to explain how I feel and that I don't love him any less, that I just crave "variety". But his main input for this was that he couldn't see us having a successful relationship and that he and I won't "see eye to eye" on the subject. I should also add that he does love me very much and shows it every day.

thats tough but from a guy myself perception, I appreciate the openness that you talk about it with him. i bet you find good stories and advice on this site tho to help out with your dilemma….I hope all goes well

 

[PDXPoly389]

I talked to him and it was a very heart wrenching conversation. I did my best to explain how I feel and that I don't love him any less, that I just crave "variety". But his main input for this was that he couldn't see us having a successful relationship and that he and I won't "see eye to eye" on the subject. I should also add that he does love me very much and shows it every day.

It sounds like, for now, he has a pretty clear boundary for monogamy between you two. How important for your life fulfillment is having the freedom to experience a variety of partners? Would you say it is a need, or a strong or a weak preference? Do you foresee yourself as being at high risk for doing something unethical like having an affair without discussing it with him? If you feel this is a need, strong preference, or that you might do something unethical; as hard and as sad as it would be to split up a loving relationship; you two just might not be compatible to build a life together if you will wind up wanting very different things over the long term. I think continuing to advocate for your wants is important, and hopefully you two are able to continue supporting and loving each other, and maybe some changes will take place that will allow you to explore.

In my own experience, keeping a sense of wanting "variety" bottled up led me to doing some unethical things in a loving relationship that ultimately did not last. The bright spot? After that relationship ended I learned from my mistakes, reflected on what I needed and wanted that caused me to do unethical things, and then I intentionally pursued ENM relationship structures with people who wanted a similar structure and I am now 2.5 years into the best relationship of my life!

 

[NeilS]

One thing really stands out to me . If you don't want to ruin your current relationship, don't even suggest ever being with his best friend. Even if he were to agree to it . Imagine him being with your best girlfriend ? And this especially since he obviously is monogamy mind set oriented. My experience over the last 2 plus years was with a fundamentally monogamy oriented female who could think poly was OK intellectually but couldn't handle it emotionally. Your guy friend is telling you that's where he is at. I hate to say it but if you are serious about open or poly relationships you might want to start by finding a main guy who is already poly minded and can handle it emotionally. I find that the emotional part is the hardest hurdle . It has been for me too even though I've been attempting poly over 10 years