Newbie

[Italianluvher]

Poly bi female and newbie been doing some reading female partner is bi also has a pretty extended tribe which is hierarchical, I am number one but she refuses to have tribe members tested says had known them for years, etc. and when I question her she gets bent out of shape as she introduced a new couple into her pod and refuses to ask them to test cause they are older etc, I tell her it’s not ethical to expect someone new to go on somebody’s word. I love her but think people should do regular testing at lest once or twice a year.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Italianluvher,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you and your partner disagree on how to handle the risk of STI's. You feel that other partners should get tested regularly, your partner feels that testing is unnecessary. It doesn't sound like the two of you are ever going to come to an agreement on this point, and if that's the case, then you need to determine how fundamental this issue is to each of you. Perhaps you have stumbled upon an incompatibility so serious that the two of you have to break up. Or, maybe one or both of you can compromise somehow so as to stay together. For example, you feel that people should get tested once or twice a year, your partner feels that people shouldn't get tested at all. Maybe you can compromise, and say that everyone will get tested once every two or three years? I am not trying to tell you what to do, I am just trying to throw an idea out there.

Hopefully others will chime in here with more ideas/suggestions for you. You can also post in Poly Relationships Corner, where you might get more responses from a wider range of people. In any case, I hope you will find your time here (on Polyamory.com) to be helpful and enjoyable!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!

 

[SkeetScamp]

Hey there! I must respond. When I was married (forever) I never thought much about STD tests. Since my divorce, I get tested at least 2x a year. These diseases sometimes don't show up for months and the sooner I know about anything the sooner I can take the necessary steps to deal with them. I have not been that sexually active but there are many ways to transmit some of these STDs. I am more concerned about ME and also do not want to spread anything to others. But that is just ME! Most people do not want to take the time or precautions to stop the risks, especially in the throws of passion. I wanted a 3 some and poly partner agreed but when he told his other partner she said...'just tell her to remember whoever she sleeps with we all sleep with!" I was not born yesterday. I knew I would have to vet this 3rd if this was going to happen. I hasn't so far but it remains a fantasy. But, bottom line protecting yourself with testing is a very important way to show you care 1st for yourself and then for those others you love. I don't see it as a deal breaker for me. Good luck!

 

[Magdlyn]

Poly bi female and newbie. I've been doing some reading. My female partner is bi and also has a pretty extended tribe, which is hierarchical. I am number one. She refuses to have her tribe members get tested. She says she has known them for years, etc. And when I question her she gets bent out of shape. She introduced a new couple into her pod and refuses to ask them to test because they are older. I tell her it’s not ethical to expect someone new to go on somebody’s word. I love her but think people should do regular testing, at least once or twice a year.

I think it can come down to trust, in some cases. If you've had a stable poly network for years and you know for absolute certain that no in it has had sex with anyone new, I don't see a reason to get tested. But if one member of the network is about to have sex with a new person/couple, then yeah, the person that is about to shag someone new should get the new person(s) sex lab results. And I'd think that if the new person(s) are about to have sex with someone they know has an extended poly network, they would want to see sex lab results as well.