New to poly, and very afraid

[RISKYbizKNEES]

I'm 43, twice divorced, from the Midwest.

I recently (within the last year) met a girl online, at, let's just say, a kink singles site, who lives in a different state.

We connected. She helped me quit drinking, which saved my life. We shared stories of trauma and abuse, love and despair. We have so much in common, and she literally changed my life... I fell in love.

A few months went by, and we decided we should meet. So I traveled to her home state and spent the weekend with her. It was an amazing weekend, better than any I can remember. We shared a lot. It was like a dream.

On the 2nd to last day, she told me she was, poly, parallel, and that it was non-negotiable. I instantly felt betrayed. Why did she wait so long to tell me? Knowing full well I was unabashedly monogamous, I thought that it was deliberately to get me into a headspace where it would be too hard to turn her down and just break it off.

I'm not the kind of guy that bullshits when he says he loves. So, despite hours of conversations and her being open to my interrogation and happily willing to answer questions, my heart was still broken. I knew my emotions were tied only to an ideal I had expected or anticipated, not to anything she truly did. So I left her state with the promise that I loved her, and would do everything I could to better understand her, and make a levelheaded determination on whether I was able to be with her.

I did research, due diligence, everything I could to understand this sweet girl..

Here is what I know, or at least what I've read:
She must think highly of me and care about me to invite me in, knowing I've been mono my whole life, and the inevitable baggage that comes with that.
Knowing she cares about me, per the above, she risked a lot telling me. We are in different states, she could have carried on, especially considering the parallel dynamic, and just not said anything to me.

Here is what I don't know:
Is it wrong that I still feel betrayed by the timing of her telling me?
Could her reasoning have been sincere, rather than some attempt to rope me in before telling me?
I have attachment and a abandonment issues that I have been very upfront in disclosing, even before the poly bomb got dropped. Is she crazy for inviting me in, and I crazy for seriously considering it?

Thank you.

 

[SquishyHusk]

Is it wrong that I still feel betrayed by the timing of her telling me?
Could her reasoning have been sincere, rather than some attempt to rope me in before telling me?
I have attachment and a abandonment issues that I have been very upfront in disclosing, even before the poly bomb got dropped. Is she crazy for inviting me in, and I crazy for seriously considering it?

Maybe she didn't want to broach a tough topic until she had a sense that you were worth the time and energy it takes to explain it all. If she had let you know earlier, you might have freaked out and bailed - and she liked you too much to risk that, or maybe she was afraid that you would be the kind of guy that would assume that just because she is poly, that means she automatically into threesomes, swinging, whatever - and expect things that she won't deliver.
Are you crazy for considering it? Me too man, me too. Briefly: I have been married and monogamous for twenty years. One day my wife drops a bomb - she is interested in her girlfriend. I'm still to this minute feeling like I'm crazy when I think about it, but I'm going along with it - and so far, while there have been several times when I've felt hurt by their relationship, there have been far more times that have been good - and a few times that have been really great. So, yeah, it's crazy, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
What do you need out of this? If you are looking for a wife, she might not be for you - unless you can handle your wife having boyfriends sometimes. If you are looking for someone to share time and love, and create memories, than it can work.

 

[RISKYbizKNEES]

Thank you for your thoughts.

I'm currently just trying to reconcile my preconceptions of love to this new concept.

One exciting thing she did say, was that with the right person (me) she'd be very interested in a hierarchical poly construct...still have more research to do, and obviously need to socialize with more like minded people around me.

Marriage is my ideal, the same as monogamy has been my whole life. This girl, however, with how much she's changed my life, and what she's willing to risk, it makes me want to take the same risks, and lean in to this paradigm... I couldn't imagine even considering changing something that is so engrained in me for anyone but her.

 

[SquishyHusk]

Marriage is my ideal, the same as monogamy has been my whole life. This girl, however, with how much she's changed my life, and what she's willing to risk, it makes me want to take the same risks, and lean in to this paradigm... I couldn't imagine even considering changing something that is so engrained in me for anyone but her.

We have this in common. I could never have imagined breaking my beliefs in marriage and monogamy, but for wife? The girl of my dreams? The greatest love of my life? Yeah, I did it for her. It's caused me a lot of strife and sleepless nights as I examined ideas that had been ingrained in me my entire life. After a while, I decided to stop tearing myself apart, and embrace happiness. It's a journey, and I've just started.

 

[TomSloan]

Thank you for your thoughts.

I'm currently just trying to reconcile my preconceptions of love to this new concept.

One exciting thing she did say, was that with the right person (me) she'd be very interested in a hierarchical poly construct...still have more research to do, and obviously need to socialize with more like minded people around me.

Marriage is my ideal, the same as monogamy has been my whole life. This girl, however, with how much she's changed my life, and what she's willing to risk, it makes me want to take the same risks, and lean in to this paradigm... I couldn't imagine even considering changing something that is so engrained in me for anyone but her.

Sounds like she’ll have you wrapped around her little finger in no time. Enjoy the ride.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings RISKYbizKNEES,

Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I can only assume that this woman waited so long to tell you precisely because she was afraid you would reject her. Mind you, this does not excuse what she did. I am just speculating about her mindset as a way of putting it in perspective. She was right, you do not want to be polyamorous, nor do you want her to be polyamorous. She should have just recognized that reality, and cut the ties with you in the beginning. I guess she just wasn't strong enough to do that.

It is not wrong for you to feel betrayed over the timing of her telling you. You deserve honesty and transparency, and she withheld those things from you. It is up to you whether you will forgive her for her infraction. She was too weak to tell you in a timely fashion. Yes, she wanted to "rope you in," although I don't think she used such cynical words in her mind. It was more like she wanted you to get to know her for "who she was," rather than just judge her for being poly.

You do need to think long and hard about whether polyamory is something you can stand in your life. If it's not, then you can't/shouldn't continue in a relationship with her. Breaking up has to be an option that you seriously consider. Otherwise you could end up in a situation with her that would eventually blow up because the two of you were incompatible. Better to break up now, than to risk that kind of a situation. I mean if you can stand polyamory, okay; just be sure before you commit to it.

Don't rush into anything, give it some more thought.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I think only you and she can figure it out. But here are some other perspectives, in case they apply:

We connected, she helped me quit drinking, which saved my life. We shared stories of trauma and abuse, love and despair. We have so much in common, and she literally changed my life. I fell in love.

Was this:
Online kink scenes and all the top drop/sub drop stuff being mistaken for more than the kink?
Extreme gratefulness/hero worship/owe you my life/indebtedness, since she "saved" you from drinking?
Trauma bonding, because the somewhat anonymous online world allowed you both to share stuff you would not tell people IRL?
Some kind of Florence Nightingale effect thing on her end, where a caregiver falls in love with the patient, or the other way around? Both?

It's sounding like some kind of NRE crush thing. I'm just not sure which kind. Or maybe you have a combo thing going on there.

A few months go by, and we decide we should meet, so I traveled to her home state, and spent the weekend with her. Was an amazing weekend, better than any I can remember. We shared a lot and it was like a dream.

What did you both agree this encounter would be?
A one time romantic/sexual fling to conclude the online thing?
The start of something new, IRL?
Not sure, and not really articulated, just floating along into stuff?

On the second to last day, she tells me she is poly, parallel, and that it's non-negotiable.

Because you are monogamous, did you assume she was too, so all your fantasies around her/this potential relationship/whatever were along that line of thinking?

You were caught by surprise when she was upfront about her preferences. She actually prefers polyamory. You don't really want polyamory, so you are sad/mad/upset that now you can't even have the fantasies anymore?

Is this break-up grief, before you even truly got together in more formal dating relationship? Is your pondering about whether you "could do poly for her" part of the bargaining stage of grief?

She must think highly of me and care about me to invite me in, knowing I've been mono my whole life, and the inevitable baggage that comes with that

That's kinda romantic talk to me. Not bad or good, no judgement, just romantic talk.

Maybe it's a more practical thing for her. She's basically honest and knows that if this is actually going to become an LDR dating relationship (now that you are healthier), you two have to get square and see if you is even compatible for that. Do your preferences align? Is there enough BUDGET for trips and stuff? Not everyone can afford an LDR. A one-time thing is one thing, but regular LDR dating, that's something else.

Sometimes love alone is just not enough to make a relationship sustainable.

Knowing she cares about me per above, she risked a lot telling me. We are in different states, she could be have carried on, especially considering the parallel dynamic, and just not said anything to me

Not really. You've been online kink pals (plus?) for like a year. That's not all that long, to me. You are either up for polyamory, or not. Maybe she assumed wrongly too, thinking that if you were kinky, you were probably also poly. But people can make mistakes.

Do you just expect people to cheat on you, rather than expecting them to be honest?

I instantly felt betrayed.. Why did she wait so long to tell me?

Maybe because online/phone relationships have limits. She enjoyed this for what it was, but wasn't thinking it would become a regular LDR dating situation in real life. It was a happy fantasy world you co-created online.

This could also just as easily go the other way. If it is so important to you, why didn't you ask ASAP?

Knowing full well I'm unabashedly monogamous, I thought that it was deliberately to get me into a headspace where it would be too hard to turn her down and just break it off.

It was possible in the sense that all things are possible. Sometimes people online or IRL are not actually nice people.

Do you trust yourself to end stuff you aren't into, or don't like, and get yourself out of any hinky you accidentally walk into?

I knew my emotions were tied only to an ideal I had expected or anticipated, not to anything she truly did. So I left her state, with the promise that I loved her, and I would do everything I could to better understand her, and make a level headed determination on whether I was able to be with her.

Fair enough. Are you done contemplating? Have you landed on this? "No. I like/love you a lot. But not even for you am I going to do stuff I don't really want, am not really into, or that hurts me. This is not going to be sustainable. We have to end it and be okay with being exes and friends."

I have attachment and abandonment issues that I have been very upfront in disclosing, even before the poly bomb got dropped. Is she crazy for inviting me in, and I crazy for seriously considering it?

That's kind of "high emotional volume," which I get, because you are the one IN IT. I'm not in it. That said, even when I'm the one in it, most of the time I find "middle" volume is closer to reality.

Probably neither of you are crazy. I think you two had an intense and loving online/phone relationship that caught you both by surprise. You didn't go to the "online kink club" expecting that. You both wanted to learn and talk about kink stuff in a community. It was fun to be surprised how things clicked. It was cool to be in an "NRE bubble." And it was also lovely to meet and share that in-person experience.

But in the light of day and in the reality check, maybe this is as far as it can go. Do you really want to change and try poly dating? Would this be a mono-poly thing, a kink relationship at the most, and then each moves on to other romantic partners? Something else?

LDRs are certainly a problem. But if she definitely wants polyamory and you want monogamy, I think this is maybe one of those "Damn. SOOO close, yet so far" things. Nobody is a bad guy. This just isn't going to be a long-term runner.

It's easier when it's just so incompatible you don't even make it to a second date. You just break up after the first date and walk away. No harm, no foul. It's harder when there's some initial compatibility, some sparks, some hope, some fun. But not everything that is initially compatible at first glance in an LDR is going to be DEEPLY compatible on a closer look IRL.

Could some of that be true here? Maybe you want to slow your roll a bit and keep taking a closer look before you sign up for anything.

I couldn't imagine even considering changing something that is so engrained in me for anyone but her.

Would you do this if she was out of the picture? Would you do it for yourself? Do you actually want to explore poly for yourself? Like, if you and she tried, but break up, would you keep exploring poly dating because you want it so much?

If you want to go there and see? You can do that -- in the sense that you can do whatever you choose. Sometimes you meet a game changer. They challenge your previous thinking and beliefs, and that can feel really zowie and wondrous. But then the reality check eventually hits.

Just because they were the game changer person that brought you a lightbulb moment, doesn't AUTOMATICALLY mean they are destined to be a long-term relationship, or the one you want to marry. Initial compatibility is not always deep compatibility. You basically have to determine if this is someone you want to explore poly dating with. Also, does it have to be RIGHT NOW, or do you have other business to clear first?

Is this as far as you want to go for now, because you want to work some more on your attachment and abandonment issues first? You can make people aware you have these conditions. But the one that has to respect that you have these conditions and work them out with a therapist is you. Would these conditions get aggravated in a poly dating model?

How about your new sobriety? Would the challenges of poly dating mess that up?

You get to author the story of your life. You get to pick what you do/do not consent to, what you feel like investing in, or not, and WHEN. You pick what's within your current scope and what just goes too far outside your scope to feel okay, safe, healthy or comfortable.

Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone. I can't learn to run faster if I'm not even walking regularly. So maybe I need to spend a little time doing some walking, then some walk-run intervals first before I sign up for a big ol' running marathon. Because that would be taking on too much, too soon, and could hurt me. Intervals would also be uncomfortable, but a more reasonable comfortable uncomfortable. Right?

Remember, a willingness to go there doesn't mean you have the skills or ability. Maybe you want to read about pitfalls and other articles?

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

web.archive.org

Thinking it over is okay. Baby steps are okay. So is saying "No, that's too much for me," and respecting your own limits.

I suggest you continue to educate yourself about polyamory, other non-monogamy, open models. Keep thinking. You don't have to decide anything TODAY.

Galagirl

 

[RISKYbizKNEES]

I'm sorry you struggle. I think only you and she can figure it out. But here are some other perspectives, in case they apply:


Galagirl

Galagirl,

Thank you so much for this really well thought out response.

You speak a lot of truth and, if I'm honest, a lot of it I really didn't want to hear at first. After reading it a 3rd and 4th time I think I finally understand the overarching message...

Regardless of the level of infatuation, attraction, instant connection etc... am I in a position, is my mental health well enough, are my thoughts truly trained in on what's best for me, and what will make me happy?

Would I do this if she was out of the picture?
I wouldn't even consider this had I not met her. However, now that I've started taking a real and non-biased look at how these relationships work, I can say I'm honestly intrigued. Even though monogamy was inbuilt and engrained in me from the very beginning, I haven't had a single healthy mono relationship in my life...so what is the problem? Is it me? Was it them? Was it the construct of a mono relationship? I don't know really, but I do know I've never been happy in a relationship, not even with the mother of my children years ago...and so I'm willing to try a lot of different things to try and find a place where I can matter, and make a difference in my own life and the life of others.

Am I taking on too much too soon?
Perhaps, perhaps not. I don't really know because I've yet to discover what I am actually getting myself into. I'm starting to understand some of the more complex aspects of this dynamic as I read more, but since she doesn't have any partners or relationships right now, except for me, I really don't know what it's going to feel like when she does...or if I'll be ready for it.

LDR - She lives two states away, I've the means to travel and to move whenever I want. She voiced her concern to me that these relationships generally don't work at a distance, and though she was willing to try, she'd prefer if I moved there and started a life with her.

She said she wasn't prepared for having feelings for me, she thought I wasn't real, just another perv trying to say the right things to get what they want and she was fully prepared to use that to her advantage, until she discovered I wasn't that, I was "different."

Was that "difference" because of who I am, or was it because of the level of attention I'm willing and able to give to a single person? Has this girl never had a monogamous guy fall in love with her, maybe she didn't know what to expect......maybe in the long run this isn't right for her either?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm glad you took it in the spirit intended.

Regardless of the level of infatuation, attraction, instant connection etc., am I in a position, is my mental health well enough, are my thoughts truly trained in on what's best for me, and what will make me happy?

The additional reflection questions you pose are all valid, and yes, that's the big headliner one. "Am I well enough and fit enough and understand what I'm getting into enough to take this on right NOW? And is this even good for me?"

Even though monogamy was inbuilt and engrained in me from the very beginning, I haven't had a single healthy mono relationship in my life...so what is the problem? Is it me? Was it them? Was it the construct of a mono relationship?

Or even other things that weren't monogamy affecting your ability to feel happy in a relationship, like: Were you having an additional hard time in relationships because you are also undiagnosed with X, like maybe depression, or other things? Were you trying to self-medicate the unknown X with alcohol, with the kink, chasing dopamine or stimulus, or just plain escape?

You may be questioning a LOT of things right now, which is why I suggest taking your time.

LDR - She lives two states away, I've the means to travel and to move whenever I want. She voiced her concern to me that these relationships generally don't work at a distance, and though she was willing to try, she'd prefer if I moved there and started a life with her.

It depends on the people. If she means for HER, LDR poly is not ideal-- fair enough. But some people make LDR poly work for them or even prefer it.

If you decide to move eventually, don't rush into living together. Take a flat of your own first for a year or two, or more, so that if poly gets overwhelming, you'll have your own space to take breaks away from it, as needed.

If either of you starts poly-dating new people, you'll have your own space to take breaks away from that too. You won't have to hear sex noises through the wall, or other people's arguments.

She said she wasn't prepared for having feelings for me. She thought I wasn't real, just another perv trying to say the right things to get what they want and she was fully prepared to use that to her advantage, until she discovered I wasn't that. I was "different."

That could be true. Or she could be telling you flattering lies. Again, you've only known each other a year, at a distance, not very long at all. And not everyone you meet is nice. That's ANOTHER reason to have your own place, if you decide to move and give local dating a try. If things don't pan out you'll have a safe home in which to heal and will not be stuck living with an ex in weird circumstances.

Again, you do not have to decide anything TODAY. It's ok to go slow, educate yourself, take a risk assessment on all of this and decide if you even want to take the risk right now, or if you have other things to take care of first.

Galagirl

 

[RISKYbizKNEES]

Glad you took it in spirit intended.



The additional reflection questions you pose are all valid. And yes. That's the big headliner one.

"Am I well enough and fit enough and understand what I'm getting into enough to take this on right NOW? And is this even good for me?"



Or even other things that weren't monogamy affecting your ability ot feel happy in a relationship?

Like...

Were you having an additional hard time in relationships because you are also undiagnosed with X -- like maybe depression? Or other things? Were you trying to self medicate the unknown X with alcohol? With the kink? Chasing dopamine or stimulus or plain escape?

You may be questioning a LOT of things right now. Which is why I suggest taking your time.




It depends on the people. If she means for HER? LDR poly is not her ideal? Fair enough. But some people make LDR poly work for them or even prefer it.

If you decide to move eventually? Don't rush into living together. Take a flat of your own first for a year or two. Or more.

Cuz if poly gets overwhelming? You have your own space to take breaks away from it as needed.

If either of you starts poly dating new people? You have your own space to take breaks away from that too. You don't have to hear sex noises through the wall. Or other people arguments.



Could be true. Or could be telling you flattering lies.

Again -- only known each other a year at a distance. Not very long at all. And not everyone you meet is nice.

So ANOTHER reason to have your own place if you decide to move and give local dating a try. So if things don't pan out you have a safe home in which to heal and not stuck living with an ex in weird circumstances.

Again, you do not have to decide anything TODAY.

It's ok to go slow, educate yourself, take a risk assessment on all of this and decide if you even want to take the risk right now. Or if you have other things to take care of first.

Galagirl

Thanks again, Galagirl. This gives me quite a lot to think about which, honestly, was my goal coming here for support. You've saved me a lot of soul searching.

 

[GalaGirl]

Most welcome. Glad it was helpful.

GG

 

[Juan234]

Being mono, in a way, leaves two considerations that are opposites within a spectrum.

One is that your significant other is put on a pedestal and expected to meet all your needs. This is, in a way, “unfair” to the other person: to have to fulfill all of your expectations and fantasies, some of which may have been developed as a child.

Two is you let your significant other be themselves. In this case, you acknowledge they will never fully satisfy you. In this case, also you will see how being in a monogamous relationship is conversely unfair to you.

In “one” above, your partner arguably loves you more. In “two,” you arguably love them more. There is a spectrum. This means the same relationship has components where “one” is true, and other components where “two” is true. And they can change over time. What is difficult is that it is easier for people to be themselves than just be in some package given by someone else. In reality, monogamous relationships can barter somewhere across this spectrum. Love can be complicated, period.

I am monogamous, living vicariously through others on this site. Was I being misleading by waiting until the fifth paragraph to admit that? Well, I did not think about it until I had developed enough of my post, to be honest. So, does that mean I am being hypocritical if I try to convince you to be open to poly? I am thinking, rather, along the lines that it is better to have truly loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I am trying to have you think about how, with minimal in-person contact, she had already done so much good for you health-wise, both physically and emotionally. If it were me, I would clearly not give her up. If she is poly, if you love her, is it that much to “convert” over to her under the monogamous umbrella of “two” above?

Or: I do not know what your love interest is really thinking, but I do feel you are being brutally honest. So think about what I am going to say next as a working theory, if you do not have a better one, or until you come up with a better one:

Your partner only told you about poly at the very moment she had developed feelings for you. This means it is a good thing. The feelings became mutual. She thought about the future and laid it out with enough time to have the talk. Also, up until then, there was no commitment whatsoever, rather, it was just interest and attraction. Now, in a way, there is a commitment, and she may be the one that put herself on the line here by “coming out”. Is she willing to commit to you being her primary?

Plus, as you fall into it together, has she not implicitly given you the freedom to go out into the world to validate (by being with others) that she is the best for you? It is like the ultimate money-back guarantee. That is me thinking of it from a monogamous point of view. Of course, all relationships can be structured differently.

I hope to come back here in a few months, maybe also years, to read how you developed through time. I was touched by your original post. She sounds phenomenal. I wish you the best.

 

[George]

I'm 43, twice divorced, from the Midwest.

I recently (within the last year) met a girl online, at, let's just say, a kink singles site, who lives in a different state.

We connected. She helped me quit drinking, which saved my life. We shared stories of trauma and abuse, love and despair. We have so much in common, and she literally changed my life... I fell in love.

A few months went by, and we decided we should meet. So I traveled to her home state and spent the weekend with her. It was an amazing weekend, better than any I can remember. We shared a lot. It was like a dream.

On the 2nd to last day, she told me she was, poly, parallel, and that it was non-negotiable. I instantly felt betrayed. Why did she wait so long to tell me? Knowing full well I was unabashedly monogamous, I thought that it was deliberately to get me into a headspace where it would be too hard to turn her down and just break it off.

I'm not the kind of guy that bullshits when he says he loves. So, despite hours of conversations and her being open to my interrogation and happily willing to answer questions, my heart was still broken. I knew my emotions were tied only to an ideal I had expected or anticipated, not to anything she truly did. So I left her state with the promise that I loved her, and would do everything I could to better understand her, and make a levelheaded determination on whether I was able to be with her.

I did research, due diligence, everything I could to understand this sweet girl..

Here is what I know, or at least what I've read:
She must think highly of me and care about me to invite me in, knowing I've been mono my whole life, and the inevitable baggage that comes with that.
Knowing she cares about me, per the above, she risked a lot telling me. We are in different states, she could have carried on, especially considering the parallel dynamic, and just not said anything to me.

Here is what I don't know:
Is it wrong that I still feel betrayed by the timing of her telling me?
Could her reasoning have been sincere, rather than some attempt to rope me in before telling me?
I have attachment and a abandonment issues that I have been very upfront in disclosing, even before the poly bomb got dropped. Is she crazy for inviting me in, and I crazy for seriously considering it?

Thank you.

Her good qualities are real, but she was not upfront and honest. Do you want to wait, hope and pray that she'll change? Disclosing that she is poly after was covert and caused you hurt.