Same-Sex Couple Dipping Our Toes in Poly

[XJskyboy]

Good job getting his feet wet. I guess he'll be remaining open to the idea of polyamory, though. Now is the prime time for both of you to read Opening Up. Other good (and newer) books are Designer Relationships and Polysecure. (I haven't read them but have heard good things.) Some people like the podcast Multiamory too.

If your partner is very disappointed, I hope he can get perspective that it can years to find a second "Mr Right." I have had to learn a lot of patience. And I've taken months-long or even years-long breaks in actively seeking a second partner when I've gotten too jaded from been burnt too many times.

Thanks a bunch while he’s disappointed, he’s being realistic about it and I’m being supportive. He’s joined multiple local poly FB groups and is exploring that but not being over the top about it. I guess it’s a learning experience for the both of us. And we have both been reading “Opening Up” which has been a great source of info and we’ll have to look into the other titles!

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like you are doing the right things, in an imperfect world. Your husband will find the right guy for your situation eventually. Hang in there!

 

[XJskyboy]

So, things have taken a bit of a twist. For background, we moved from Indianapolis to Dallas 4 years ago. We’ve been sexually open for about 12 years. There’s a guy in Indianapolis who my husband used to hook up with occasionally (who is also in an open relationship) and they still talk occasionally. They were texting yesterday and the polyamory topic came up. The other guy said he is also poly. He then told my husband that he’s taking a vacation to Florida in January and that he should come with. My husband has always had a crush on this guy and of course I said it was ok. But I never envisioned long distance being the way things played out (it’s doable since my husband works for an airline and can travel free). I always kind of envisioned kitchen table poly. Not that I’m not keeping an open mind, but the idea of things starting off with an intimate vacation with a guy I’ve never met has my anxiety up and I don’t really know why. Sorry for the long post. Anyone have some similar experience they can share?

 

[kdt26417]

Wow, that is quite a development. What happens after the Florida trip? Will your husband take regular flights to Indianapolis? Will you ever meet this guy? How do you feel about your husband having a long-distance relationship? Will your husband handle it okay? These are just some questions that came to my mind.

 

[XJskyboy]

Wow, that is quite a development. What happens after the Florida trip? Will your husband take regular flights to Indianapolis? Will you ever meet this guy? How do you feel about your husband having a long-distance relationship? Will your husband handle it okay? These are just some questions that came to my mind.

Thanks KDT. You kind of read my mind there as those are largely the same questions coming to my mind. I think the plan is that if things go well, regular Indy trips are in the cards. He's even talked about a weekend in Indy BEFORE the Florida trip to make sure they really want to do this. I definitely want to meet him if he's in a relationship with my husband. We've met very very briefly in the past, but don't really know each other. As to my husband having a long distance relationship, it gives me some anxiety for sure. It feels like him having two separate lives. But, on the other side, I understand, there's no one right or wrong way to go about these things. So it may just be a learning curve. As to how he'll handle it, he tends to have somewhat of a short attention span and I worry that it'll be a Florida trip, a couple trips to Indy and he'll lose interest. The other thing is I'm not sure the other guy's husband is aware that he's inviting another guy along on his vacation, which worries me because they don't seem to have as good of communication lines as we do (we haven't always, so I know how it goes). I guess we'll see.

 

[Magdlyn]

So, things have taken a bit of a twist. For background, we moved from Indianapolis to Dallas 4 years ago. We’ve been sexually open for about 12 years. There’s a guy in Indianapolis who my husband used to hook up with occasionally (who is also in an open relationship) and they still talk occasionally. They were texting yesterday and the polyamory topic came up. The other guy said he is also poly.

He then told my husband that he’s taking a vacation to Florida in January and that he should come with. My husband has always had a crush on this guy and of course I said it was ok.

Wow, that's a big step!

But I never envisioned long distance being the way things played out. (It’s doable since my husband works for an airline and can travel free.) I always kind of envisioned kitchen table poly. Not that I’m not keeping an open mind, but the idea of things starting off with an intimate vacation with a guy I’ve never met has my anxiety up, and I don’t really know why.

Long distance love relationships are never easy. Maybe this trip will be the start of something big, or maybe this guy will always be a "comet" partner, where they only see each other once in a while, but easily take up where they left off, each time.

Sorry for the long post. Anyone have some similar experience they can share?

Your post wasn't long at all. haha.

I agree, it's a big leap from just seeing this guy occasionally for sex, to taking a big (romantic, probably) trip with him, especially since you never met the guy. (He needs a nickname.) (So does your husband, for that matter.) And they haven't even seen each other in four years!

Of course, this would be entirely different if your husband were your wife and she was swanning off with some casual sex partner you'd never met, to spend X amount of days in a hotel in a different state. But maybe you're still worried about your husband's physical safety. Are you? Or is he pretty fit and could take care of himself, if it came to that?

Otherwise, I wonder what the "anxiety" or worry is:

Is it envy? You want to take a nice vacay with husband to Florida or Mexico on the coast?
Is it jealousy? You're afraid this whole poly thing threatens your security in your marriage? You fear loss?
Are you concerned this guy is richer than you, better looking, better endowed, better sex skills, funnier, smarter, more charming?


Is he just too mysterious in general? Have you seen a few pictures of him? Do you know his life situation, job, family arrangements, with whom he lives? If my partner were going away with some person I'd never met, I would certainly want to know most of these things. (I have a female and a male partner. He's big and fit. She's petite [also fit], but more vulnerable, so it would feel more urgent to get a feeling she'd be safe.) I know Pixi better and trust her taste in people she hangs out with and likes, so I'd trust, but verify, I guess. With Aries, he's newer to poly, so it's not the physical aspect I'd be concerned about, more the emotional.

Maybe you could ask to have a short phone or video call with him and your husband, just to take some of the strangeness off, before they go away. Would that help, do you think?

 

[Magdlyn]

I think the plan is that if things go well, regular Indy trips are in the cards. He's even talked about a weekend in Indy BEFORE the Florida trip to make sure they really want to do this.

Now that I've seen your following post, where you said you're not sure Mr Indy's husband knows about your husband, it's a whole different ball of wax. If Mr Indy is polyamorous, wouldn't that mean his hubs is aware and consenting to all of this? Or is Mr Indy just calling himself poly, when really his hubs thinks he's just having casual sex? Or...?

Sometimes the issue of cheating comes up in so-called "poly" situations. This needs looking at.

I definitely want to meet him if he's in a relationship with my husband. We've met very very briefly in the past, but don't really know each other.

Are you thinking if hubs flies up to meet Mr Indy before the FL trip, you'd go too? Meet him AND his husband, maybe? Have a drink or dinner, the four of you? Then you could know if everyone was informed and consenting to the escalation of the r'ship. Haha, I talked about the escalator before, and taking a vacation together was one of the floors.

As to my husband having a long distance relationship, it gives me some anxiety for sure. It feels like him having two separate lives.

That is a fear, but it doesn't have to be that way. What would having two separate lives mean to you?

But, on the other side, I understand, there's no one right or wrong way to go about these things. So it may just be a learning curve.

But more data is reassuring.

As to how he'll handle it, he tends to have somewhat of a short attention span and I worry that it'll be a Florida trip, a couple trips to Indy and he'll lose interest.

Why would that be your worry? Can't hubs just date whom he wants in the way he wants? Maybe he just likes short adventures. Of course, if he wants to do poly now, he might fall in love... Maybe his attention span is getting longer. He's known Mr Indy for over four years and kept in touch, after all.

The other thing is, I'm not sure the other guy's husband is aware that he's inviting another guy along on his vacation, which worries me because they don't seem to have as good of communication lines as we do. (We haven't always, so I know how it goes.) I guess we'll see.

I'd ask hubs to definitely find out more about this grey area! Ask him to ask directly, if he doesn't already know. Maybe Mr Indy and his hubs have an agreement that what goes on when he's away from town is all good. But you should find out. Don't want a disgruntled hubs showing up with a gun. (Eek, gun laws are lax in TX and FL!)

 

[XJskyboy]

Now that I've seen your following post, where you said you're not sure Mr Indy's husband knows about your husband, it's a whole different ball of wax. If Mr Indy is polyamorous, wouldn't that mean his hubs is aware and consenting to all of this? Or is Mr Indy just calling himself poly, when really his hubs thinks he's just having casual sex? Or...?

Sometimes the issue of cheating comes up in so-called "poly" situations. This needs looking at.

Are you thinking if hubs flies up to meet Mr Indy before the FL trip, you'd go too? Meet him AND his husband, maybe? Have a drink or dinner, the four of you? Then you could know if everyone was informed and consenting to the escalation of the r'ship. Haha, I talked about the escalator before, and taking a vacation together was one of the floors.

That is a fear, but it doesn't have to be that way. What would having two separate lives mean to you?

But more data is reassuring.

Why would that be your worry? Can't hubs just date whom he wants in the way he wants? Maybe he just likes short adventures. Of course, if he wants to do poly now, he might fall in love... Maybe his attention span is getting longer. He's known Mr Indy for over four years and kept in touch, after all.

I'd ask hubs to definitely find out more about this grey area! Ask him to ask directly, if he doesn't already know. Maybe Mr Indy and his hubs have an agreement that what goes on when he's away from town is all good. But you should find out. Don't want a disgruntled hubs showing up with a gun. (Eek, gun laws are lax in TX and FL!)

Thank you so much for taking all the time you did to respond to my posts. It is extremely helpful and educational for a newbie.

I agree that finding out if the other hubby knows about the plan is paramount. I hate the idea of it being a true poly situation on one side and cheating on the other side. Just draws the roadmap for drama.

That's a very good point on what "two separate lives" would mean to me. I guess I've more envisioned kitchen table poly versus parallel. Not that we couldn't make it work, but it's sheer insecurity on my part. We have joint finances, a home, cars, dogs, etc. I don't want him to drift away from me. This may be purely irrational on my part. But It's still a fear.

As for falling in love, I'd be overjoyed if he did fall in love with Mr. Indy. He is someone who is very intimate and I don't think a single person would ever do it for him. I guess it's really not my business how he proceeds with Mr. Indy or how they structure things if they do things.

I also hadn't thought about possibly going along on the pre-Florida trip if it happens. That's a very interesting thought. It might shave off some of the anxiety and I can always stay with friends if they want to have a romantic weekend. It would still give me the opportunity to get to know him a bit better. Great idea.

Thank you again.

 

[XJskyboy]

Wow, that's a big step!

Long distance love relationships are never easy. Maybe this trip will be the start of something big, or maybe this guy will always be a "comet" partner, where they only see each other once in a while, but easily take up where they left off, each time.

Your post wasn't long at all. haha.

I agree, it's a big leap from just seeing this guy occasionally for sex, to taking a big (romantic, probably) trip with him, especially since you never met the guy. (He needs a nickname.) (So does your husband, for that matter.) And they haven't even seen each other in four years!

Of course, this would be entirely different if your husband were your wife and she was swanning off with some casual sex partner you'd never met, to spend X amount of days in a hotel in a different state. But maybe you're still worried about your husband's physical safety. Are you? Or is he pretty fit and could take care of himself, if it came to that?

Otherwise, I wonder what the "anxiety" or worry is:

Is it envy? You want to take a nice vacay with husband to Florida or Mexico on the coast?
Is it jealousy? You're afraid this whole poly thing threatens your security in your marriage? You fear loss?
Are you concerned this guy is richer than you, better looking, better endowed, better sex skills, funnier, smarter, more charming?


Is he just too mysterious in general? Have you seen a few pictures of him? Do you know his life situation, job, family arrangements, with whom he lives? If my partner were going away with some person I'd never met, I would certainly want to know most of these things. (I have a female and a male partner. He's big and fit. She's petite [also fit], but more vulnerable, so it would feel more urgent to get a feeling she'd be safe.) I know Pixi better and trust her taste in people she hangs out with and likes, so I'd trust, but verify, I guess. With Aries, he's newer to poly, so it's not the physical aspect I'd be concerned about, more the emotional.

Maybe you could ask to have a short phone or video call with him and your husband, just to take some of the strangeness off, before they go away. Would that help, do you think?

On this, I think maybe your second to last paragraph may hit the nail on the head. I've realized I'm a huge compersion person. I love seeing him happy with other guys, whether emotionally or sexually. So it's not envy or jealousy. I have seen pics of the other guy. He and I have similar qualities looks and genital-wise. We're roughly the same age, it would appear.

I would say my fears aren't of them exploring a relationship. I would say my fear is being left. Which may be totally irrational.

 

[kdt26417]

You said you and your husband have been together for 16 years. That's a long time; if he was ever going to leave you, I would think he'd have already done it. His short attention span doesn't seem to be a factor in this regard.

 

[XJskyboy]

You said you and your husband have been together for 16 years. That's a long time; if he was ever going to leave you, I would think he'd have already done it. His short attention span doesn't seem to be a factor in this regard.

Very good point. Thank you.

 

[kdt26417]

No prob; happy to help.