Hmm. I'm going to suggest extending Blue some grace.
First off, I want to thank you for your thorough message here, sharing your thoughts that may give me more perspective on Blue's situation. I welcome hearing various points of view, which is why I post here.
You texted her at night after she landed from a trip because your partner was deliberately refusing to message you (due to his own pettiness). She saw the message in the morning and gave a polite response. You asked a follow-up question...about what?...even though you would have gotten Pisces' reply that he sent at 4:30 AM by then???...and she got annoyed, both at you and Pisces. I would probably also storm into the bedroom angrily at that point if I had a metamour texting me follow-up questions early in the morning because my partner had been a jerk to her.
Yes, I did. Upon reflection, I realized pretty quickly that I should have just left it at my "thank you". I asked where they were, and she responded "at his place." (Again, had he responded and told me this, I would have left it). So that was my mistake and I apologized for it. Pisces's message from 4:30 DID not contain the information about where they were and if they were together. That's why I asked. Had he, again, I wouldn't have felt the need to ask.
I am in a similar situation except I'm in Blue's position...I got mad at my partner because of something my metamour did that seemed controlling to me...and his response was to complain to my metamour about my reaction. My reaction was actually pretty mild and something he and I resolved quickly, but because he told my metamour about it, she now thinks I had a meltdown and am crazy.
Yes, Pisces is now realizing that it's not a good idea to speak much about one partner to another, unless it's really important.
When Blue saw your FetLife event RSVP, did she actually get mad at you? Or did she get mad/upset at Pisces because she thought she and him would attend that event without you being there, and she was surprised to see it? Did she just quietly unfriend you on the site, or actually communicate with you about the RSVP? Do you only know about her reaction because Pisces told you about it?
I only knew that part of why she blew up at Pisces was because she saw my "might be" attending that event (which she wanted to attend, but knew it wouldn't be with him).
The quick background on that is: Pisces moved back to their city (not to be nearer to her, by the way, that is merely coincidence) this past September. She was asking/expecting them to go to their first kink even together first. Then, if I wanted to go to one with him, I'd have to wait until they had attended an event first. I didn't agree with that, but it's not my situation to deal with. I think it's silly, but that's what she was thinking.
This event is on my birthday. I'd asked Pisces, since I'd be there with him that weekend, if we could go. He said Blue was likely to go with her other guy. I suggested perhaps we could all go for dinner and to the party together, as Pisces has been hoping that the three of us could get together in person to "normalize" our relationships of being around each other. This suggestion was made in September, before they left. I didn't know he hadn't mentioned it while they were away. So when I posted the "might go", it was under the impression that he had brought this idea to her already. But he hadn't, so she was blindsided by the thought that Pisces and I might be "crashing" her party.
As to the unfriending, I found out when I was on Fetlife and saw his profile looked weird, and as did hers, and then saw that I was no longer on her friends list. She didn't communicate at all to me about any of this. I saw the evidence online and Pisces told me the rest. It was part of her "burn it all down" activity.
In your other posts, you mentioned that Pisces' wife had put a lot of restrictions on his dating life, including on his long-term relationship with Blue. So Blue weathered having had a restricted relationship with him for years, presumably supported Pisces emotionally while his marriage ended, and then was apparently enjoying the 6 months of finally getting to spend more time with Pisces as his main partner (he moved near her city, too, no?), especially while her own marriage had become unsatisfying or difficult.
Yes, I suspect she had hoped for more. Hard to say. And no, he moved to that city because he and his ex wife ended up swapping properties this past September, as part of their separation settlement. It was definitely not to be nearer to her, that was a side bonus.
She may not have expected him to get into another serious relationship so soon. Especially not one that has a lot of demands and emotional confusion, as well. Your feelings about Pisces and Blue's international travel, your request for radio silence on that trip, but immediate communication upon the return, Pisces' vindictive refusal to message you that night...that is all stuff between you and Pisces that probably impacted Blue.
Maybe not, though he warned her it was likely. Blue did not know about my feelings over their international travel, and may not have known about my radio silence. But yes, I can see how some things there may have impacted her.
It is certainly possible that Blue and Pisces had different expectations for what their relationship would be like after Pisces' marriage ended. Maybe Blue wanted to become Pisces' main partner (which doesn't in itself make her crazy--especially as it sounded like Pisces moved to be nearer to her and that his desire to have less restrictions with Blue was a reason his marriage ended). Maybe Pisces wanted more freedom to find other relationships instead of just focusing on Blue. Maybe their expectations didn't match up.
Blue did actually think that once the ex-wife was gone, she *would* become the primary, which would indicate hierarchy. As Pisces had had to deal with that with his ex-wife, he very definitely said "NO!" to any hierarchy or couples' privilege. He wanted his full, committed romantic relationships to be as equal as possible. She didn't like that. I get that me being equal to her would be disappointing. Yes, I suspect their expectations didn't match up.
They have been together a very long time and are going through a transition. Maybe they'll break up. Maybe they'll work it out and come to a new agreement and new expectations for their relationship.
Give them some grace while they figure that out.
I agree.
Even Blue's "burn it all down" reaction just sounds like a person trying to figure out if they need to break up with their long-term partner or not. She's upset that he's spending more time with you than her, isn't meeting her needs, etc. Deciding to break up and start deleting online connections and returning his condo keys does not sound "extreme." It sounds like a break up, or an attempt at one. But it sounds like they reconciled and decided to stay together, at least for now.
Doesn't sound extreme? That may be subjective. I consider it extreme. Instead of talking, she acted based on fear, anger and lots of strong emotion. I get that. He was just baffled as to why she didn't come to him sooner, as she waited until it was beyond a mountain.
But apparently this is how she tends to do things.
I can understanding how frustrating it is if Blue thinking of breaking up with Pisces made Pisces upset during his time with you. And that he then had to make/take a lot of phone calls with Blue during those days.
Yes, it was frustrating, anger-inducing and stressful. It impacted us a lot, and was very intrusive.
But honestly, it is pretty hard to decide to break up with a partner of ten years. Especially if he's spending a significant amount of time with someone else, so that even phone calls have to be carefully scheduled.
I'm not necessarily seeing crazy behavior or drama that's just caused by her. It sounds like she and Pisces are going through a rough time and figuring out their relationship in a new way.
I would not reach out to her or communicate with her in any way.
I agree.
My metamour is definitely collecting evidence of any behavior I exhibit that seems crazy to her. My partner now knows not to complain to each of us about the other's reactions to things.
Similarly, I've been with my partner for 12 years and my metamour started seeing him less than 7 months ago. Similarly, he and I have a lot of external factors making our relationship be more transitional and uncertain right now.
It's pretty difficult to be in Blue's position.
Yeah, I get that. Hence why I'm really trying to be sympathetic.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
for lack of a better word. I was able to recognize when my thoughts would take over in situations and now I can stop or change the story to something positive so I’m not stressing and perseverating over things. I’ve also stopped catastrophizing things. I used to do that if my partner was more than 15 minutes late without a phone call or text. My life is so different now. Peaceful, calm and wonderful. That training helped me in so many areas of my life, particularly polyamory, and I initially just wanted to be able to go without texts.
