So, in a quick change of topic, Karma has always asked that I tell him what's wrong, instead of going with habitual (and often untrue) "I'm fine."
Problem is, he's got shit going on in his life, and I feel like he doesn't need me adding to it, so really, I only vent to him when I'm completely overwhelmed, or just that fucking pissed.
Lately, he's decided he needs to focus mostly on his own needs.
Good for him.
I'm really, really glad that he's finally choosing to focus on his problems and stresses, rather than trying to save the world for the rest of us. Don't get me wrong - the need to help people is something I love about him - but I don't want to see it wearing him down the way it has.
Family's kind of a touchy topic for us, because he feels like I let my family walk all over me, I never stand up for myself, they take advantage of me, etc. That's really only true in part, but because of how our schedules are, and the fact that he just doesn't see much of the interaction between us, I can see why he'd feel that way: He really only hears about my family when I'm overwhelmed and need to vent.
He's a fighter, through and through.
I'm a negotiator, when I can be.
In spite of what he seems to see, this doesn't mean I never fight. Honestly, he doesn't see most of the fights going on in my life. I don't take shit when I feel like it's truly inexcusable.
Yeah, I've made major mistakes and taken more than I should have in the past, but I'm not the perpetual victim/doormat that he seems to see me as.
It hurts, when a loved one seems to be telling you you're always weak and never stand up for what's right.
On the flipside of the coin, I feel like he fights when there's no need to. It's like he can't not fight. I pick my battles. If I can better my own life or my loved one's lives by simply dealing with the problematic person, enduring unfairness, and then moving on, so be it. I don't fight if I don't have to, because more often than not, that exacerbates the situation.
I see that as careful thought, he seems to see it as cowardice, and failing to stand up for what's right.
So what this whole mess boils down to (at least as far as I can see) is that from his perspective, my grandmother is taking advantage of us, and we have no obligation to care for her, much less put up with her bullshit. From my perspective, this is the right thing to do.
Neither of us is very good at backing down if we're sure we're in the right.
I'm hurt and angry, because our last fight was basically about how he feels like I won't stand up for what's right, and how I feel like he makes problems into fights when they could simply be endured or outlasted.
Tonight, we fought about whether or not my grandma should be kicked out and stuck in a nursing home.
I'm tired of being criticized for not fighting the way he would.
I'm not him.
I just wish he could respect that I have made a decision based on what I think is right, as has my family. None of us like it. None of us want her here. We all love her very dearly, but none of us are really equipped to handle this stress with any semblance of grace.
We have been addressing our issues with her behaviour one at a time, politely, and with as much compassion as we can. It's hard, it's taking a long time, and we've only just gotten started. We all feel like it would be cruel to just tell her we fucking hate this that or the other, when instead, we can patiently suggest alternate diets, gently remind her to take pills, ask her not to scream at us when she's upset, and so on.
It's not fun.
It's not easy.
But I truly believe that by being direct and patient, rather than confrontational and brutally blunt, we can help her without too much pain.
Karma hates the whole thing, thinks she's a petulant child who's taking advantage of us, picking on me and my siblings, criticizing my mother unfairly, neglecting the pets, causing more trouble than she's worth, etc. I haven't actually argued those things too much. He's right, it's a pretty fucked up situation, but she's been hurt so many times she has no real notion of other people's feelings or needs, and no idea how much her demands and criticism can weigh on us.
But she does have the capacity to learn and grow - I've seen it. She's changed over the last few weeks, and I know it's slow, and painful, and I know it's gonna suck in the meantime, but the family has decided to have her here, where we can take care of her, rather than foisting her off on a stranger, and effectively rejecting our own kin just because she's a royal pain in the ass.
He says he "accepts" it. Acceptance is not the same thing as respect.
Yes I'm young, yes I've made mistakes, but that doesn't mean my choices deserve no respect.
If his problem with me is that I don't fight for what's right, why is he so mad that I'm doing it now?
I understand he misses me, and he and Mohegan and I had plans tonight. I really fuckin' wanted to go chill with them. My mother, father, brother and I went to visit family friends this weekend, and my sister and grandmother stayed behind.
Between Friday night and Sunday morning, the neighbors started a fire, the plumbers fucked up and broke the water lines so we have no water, and in the process of trying to repair it, broke the Invisible Fence wire, so the dogs can't go out in the yard anymore. My little sister had to cancel the party she'd been planning for today, and had to deal with Grandma bitching and moaning about the water, and the noise the dogs were making because of strangers tromping around in the yard and the fact they couldn't go out to pee. By the time we got home, she was in tears, on the verge of a breakdown, and grandma started shrieking and bitching before we were even out of the goddamn car.
We were all pissed, stressed, and she was taking her issues out on us.
So yeah, I would have MUCH preferred to go spend the night with Karma and Mohegan, who I actually love spending time with. Instead, I opted to stay home, and take my brother trick-or-treating, walk the dogs, and fold laundry, because my mother was about to have a complete breakdown, and Daddy was dealing with Grandma and the plumbers. I know I disappointed Mohegan and Karma, but I didn't want to leave my family on their own. And Mom wouldn't have been okay with me leaving anyway.
Instead, I'm gonna turn in early, and hope tomorrow's a little better.
