Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

[Bluebird]

I did reach out to my ex-metamour and she answered me promptly. She said SirGawain was with her the same day that I broke it off with him, and she will be seeing him on Saturday. She told me she’s got this. So that made me feel better, by like, a lot. I respect the shit out of her for a lot of reasons.

Today started off okay so far, and apparently I have lost even more weight. I was 221 pounds on Sept 6 and now I am 203. So I feel good about that, at least. This was a shock to me though to have another loss, because my glucose numbers still are terrible. Like before breakfast I was at 236 and two hours later I was at 247. Not a bad jump but they’re not good numbers and they’re not going down.

That said, last night my newest Stitch Fix box arrived and I was excited because I had asked for an all pants order. Y’all, I had been a size 18 and more lately a 16. So these were all 16. None of them fit. Fucking zero jeans. So I returned them all this morning asking for 14s. I am nervous that 14 will be too small, but maybe not!

I did score a pair of new leggings, and what was awesome was that the price was listed at $76 - which made me make a frowny face - but online when checking out, they were $27! Much better.




MisterMoonbeam and I are now on our way to the start of our driving vacation. We got a late leave time because my youngest came over to use our dryer: hers has been out for a while and she’s been over a few times. So she did her laundry and we sat around and chatted. We finally got on the road a couple of hours ago, heading to the post office (Stitch Fix return), to the UPS store (Amazon returns) and then to the mall for lunch at Primanti Bros. While there we went to JCPenney and bought MisterMoonbeam a new belt, as he’s lost some weight as well.

Now we are actually leaving town and heading for our first destination - I’m really excited!

 

[Bluebird]

We had a fun start to our traveling vacay!

MisterMoonbeam and I spent Friday in Lancaster, PA at Bube’s, which is a brewery, hotel and restaurant. They have 8 themed hotel rooms, each done up in floor-to-ceiling amazements: there’s a jungle room, a good princess room, one for Mardi Gras, the Southwest, Morocco, Arabian nights and more! We snagged the “Dark Princess” room - all of them are only $100 a night!



Prior to our sleepover, we spent time at the Troll Market, which had some fun stuff for us to browse through and enjoy. That evening MisterMoonbeam had hooked us up with tickets to a Dickens’ murder mystery dinner party, so that was an interesting experience as well!

Today we were at PA Yuletide. We hadn’t ever attended the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire prior to this, and we agreed that we will come back next year for that! Yuletide itself was a blast, and I enjoyed the time spent with my sweetie.



We both had holiday garb and we had several people ask for photos with us. That was kinda cool! He actually stole my blanket cloak this morning - it matched his tunic perfect, so I couldn’t stop him from snagging it! lol I had brought my new hooded capelet and a brown cape that I’ve had for a bit but never actually wore, so I didn’t mind him using my cloak as I thought he was sexy as hell!



Actually, MisterMoonbeam has lost some weight, and his black vest is too large for him now. We agreed we need to buy a smaller size! DarkKnight is going to try it and see how it works for him before we sell it though. The cropped Vixen corset I was wearing today is made from the same fabric, though mine is too big as well. lol



We are home now - we arrived in time for DarkKnight to get home from his choral performance this evening, and we shared a meal. MisterMoonbeam was beat and I let him use my jetted soaking tub to ease his tired muscles.

The plan for tomorrow is for DarkKnight and I to go see a local theater performance of A Christmas Carol together. While that is happening, MisterMoonbeam is having my son and one of our D&D friends over to tweak their characters in preparation for the start of our continuing campaign in the new year. I need to do budgeting and wrap Christmas gifts in preparation for the next leg of our trip, which begins Monday!

 

[Bluebird]

Today has already been busy. Is it a vacation if you spend all your morning running around the house? Lol

The guys really were motivated for some reason this morning, and they helped me with a lot of little things. First up, I registered myself to take a workshop about will-writing, and MisterMoonbeam is taking a series of classes on ornithology and another about photography in the Spring. So that’s all paid for. The photography class was one of his Christmas gifts from me!

Then DarkKnight moved our irock robot to a space in the dining room, so I can relocate our sunroom cat tree into that spot. I want to move the loveseats away from the Christmas tree to the other side of the sunroom. So I swept out those spots, and MisterMoonbeam helped me relocate the litterbox plant-pot around the corner to the game room. There was a spot of pee on the litter mat, so rather than worry about it, he took that to the trash immediately and I replaced it with another new one we had stored already. Just to be safe, I put down a layer of My Pet Peed and we are waiting for that to dry now. When we wiped the floor, nothing came up but I wanna make sure we don’t start something crazy!

I also had the guys take all of the Amazon boxes downstairs so I can get presents wrapped in anticipation for my trip to NY this week. It’s a lot. I’m going to start some laundry in a minute and then wrap until the washer stops. lol I had MisterMoonbeam take his clean laundry into his bedroom, but we are going to sort his clothes this evening before packing his suitcase - he’s down a size and my bestie dropped off three bags of stuff in that size from her fiancé who passed two years ago. So I need to get that all processed.

One of my Blessing Box volunteers called me a minute ago and her partner just got out of the hospital. He has cancer and is not doing well. They had to remove part of his kidney, and a bunch of his back muscle. She asked if I could buy her paper towels, toilet paper, etc this week, and of course I said yes. I’m going to see if one of the guys can pick up and deliver while I am wrapping presents - I’ll wrap their gifts in return!

After my laundry is in the dryer, I’ll shower and get ready to go see A Christmas Carol this afternoon with DarkKnight.

 

[Bluebird]

I got my period. Right on time - Whoo hoo!



The show was good, and I enjoyed the time with DarkKnight. I think out of all of the live theater shows I’ve seen in my lifetime, I’ve seen A Christmas Carol the most.

 

[Bluebird]

Short photo drop!

I have all of my presents wrapped now but I still have more to buy. Gah! While I was in the basement finishing those, MisterMoonbeam sent me this photo:



I literally teared up! He got the 3D printer working and completed this project for me! I had planned this back when we were still trying to close on the house. lol I was so amazed how how great these D&D dice look above our built-ins in the game room.

Here we all are at dinner tonight. I treated my loves to Outback Steakhouse:




Me, in my outfit of the day photo:



I’m getting a little emotional lately about the weight I have lost, because yeah, my corsets are now closing and I have to sell or trade them to buy new. This is a cropped Vixen and it’s too big. I wore it this weekend at Yuletide, with it open, but it was so loose that way, it was ridiculous. Closed it doesn’t look as good, but it felt ridiculous then as well. To be clear, this fucking thing costs $119 and black is a must-have staple in my garb wardrobe. Sigh. Also, I own 5 cropped corsets. One I just got, and that I think is a Large, so it will fit. The other 4 are either L/XL or just XL. They need to be traded or sold. I’m pretty bummed.

When I get back from vacay, I’m going to make a spreadsheet so I know what to do with stuff.

I also just want to document that I was teary at two different times today because I was missing SirGawain.

 

[Bluebird]

Today was a travel day for MisterMoonbeam and I. We left late but that was okay. Our only scheduled stop was to do a parking lot swap with an online friend who I met last year. She gave me a Damsel in this Dress skirt and I traded her my three bathing suits - all of which are comically large on me now. I was really nervous because swimsuits are a bitch to fit but she said she was willing to give it a shot. Thankfully, she messaged me afterward that they fit her really well and she’s happy! I’m hoping to use the skirt as part of a steampunk look for the summer.




After completing our trade, MisterMoonbeam and I found a hotel to stay at (we got a newly remodeled king suite with a living room for less than $150!) and we ordered in for dinner. I reworked the boutonnière I made that he used at the autumn masquerade we attended earlier this year, and I tried to make a new Christmas crown for me. I’ve been working on this stupid thing for a few weeks now and can’t seem to get the evergreen boughs to sit right on my head. I got part of it looking okay, but I figure I will try again throughout the week. We bought tickets for the Ohio Ren Faire Yuletide for this weekend so I put together some new holiday outfits for us to wear, and I’d like to have this crown done for that!

 

[Bluebird]

We finally made it to NY!

While on the drive, I found a pic of me from July 2020 - and wow! I lost my ex-husband, 20+ pounds and the red box dye. I love what I found.



Here’s a selfie from today while in the car:

 

[Bluebird]

This has been a very emotional trip for me. It’s my first time coming to NY for the holidays and not seeing my mother. I’ve had a lot of time in the car for introspection and I’ve had a lot of negative thoughts about myself and how I handle conflict.

I’ve been crying a lot.

I had a nightmare a couple of nights ago about a banana tree and two golden monkeys and a cat that killed one. It was absolutely a stress response and a stand-in for my anxieties.

I told MisterMoonbeam that there are a lot of similarities between wanting my mother back into my life and the same with SirGawain. I know they’re messy for me. I love them but they’re not healthy choices for me. Of course they are vastly different situations, but I was raised that you take people back - boundaries are meant to be flexible.

Yet at the same time, my attachment disorder makes everything wrong for me anyway. Within my extended family, I’m the oldest and the oldest daughter. I MUST hold shit together, even if I trust none of them. My connections with my siblings are trauma bonds. Protecting myself from them and their needs is second nature, but I still allow them entry into my life in spite of that.

It’s terrible. I’ve had sooooo much therapy over the years. But knowing and doing are two different things.

I want my mom back. But the truth is, she will be the same person. She will not admit that anything she did was wrong. I want SirGawain back. He would also be the same person. I need to maintain that distance. I don’t have the spoons to deal with any of it.

So I’m crying a lot and maintaining. It’s hard.

 

[Bluebird]

Yesterday afternoon was Christmas with my sister and her kids. Then we spent $300 on dinner with my niece and nephew and their partners - we treated them to PF Changs and had a blast. I love them all so much!

It was snowing when we came out of the restaurant.



MisterMoonbeam made me drive.

Today we left Canandaigua and headed for Buffalo, NY. There we met up with one of my closest friends from high school and her husband (I was maid of honor in her wedding, way back when). MisterMoonbeam and I did this hybrid escape room/adventure game which was super fun.



I’m writing this from the car as we are on the road to Cleveland now.

 

[Bluebird]

OMG today was like something out of a dream. MisterMoonbeam and I went to the Franklin Park Conservatory & Botanical Gardens in Columbus, Ohio. We literally started talking about this place at the beginning of our relationship, so it was amazeballs to have the trip finally happen!




The place has EIGHTEEN Chihuly installations, and if you know me, you know I’m all about glass art!



We saw all of them, and then walked around in the Children’s Garden, and saw the seasonal Garden Railway.



At one point we were outside on this big flagstone raised area and I was like, “hey, this is a great spot for a wedding, if you would ever marry me…” Of course he rolled his eyes at me, as per usual. I finished up with “or like, a commitment ceremony of some sort.”

And then he said, “well, now that I might do.”

Y’all, I about fell over! I’m like what in the hell! This man never jokes about stuff like that. I grabbed his hand and said WHAT?!?! and then he started laughing and kissed me and then kept walking.



I’m not sure what was up with that, but if he is actually finally thinking about it, I’m so down! Which he knows.

Today was pretty great though, even without that nonsense! He was just really loving and sweet the entire time. Seeing all of the exhibits together and having him be just as excited as me - it was awesome.

Originally we were planning on getting tickets for the evening after dark Christmas light setup, but we did a LOT of walking and that wasn’t gonna happen. We had reserved a hotel (the first time this entire trip lol) so we drove to that afterward and immediately both took a 2-hour nap.

 

[Evie]

Oooo, exciting! And thank you for bringing my attention to a place I can visit when I'm next there

 

[Bluebird]

I had an absolutely wonderful evening on Saturday with MisterMoonbeam at the Ohio Yuletide event.

 

[Bluebird]

I’m home today and just generally being a bum. I started writing a list of stuff I need to do and I don’t wanna do any of it. I let DarkKnight take the car to work today so I can’t go shopping (which is half the damn list) and I haven’t even got dressed yet.

MisterMoonbeam and I have been talking about going to the Poly Living conference in Philly in February, but no one there seems to check their Facebook messages or answer any questions. It seems really expensive for a conference with no information! They recently listed the speakers/panelists but there’s no info on what the topics are. At $200 pp plus several hundred dollars for the hotel - that’s going to be a no from me until more info is given.

 

[Bluebird]

I spent yesterday evening running errands with MisterMoonbeam. We hit seven different locations to finish up Christmas shopping and getting decorations so I can make our fireplace mantle look amazing. Along the way, he said he wanted to talk about his commitment ceremony comment.

I’m like, uh, okay…and he then said he didn’t like discussing things in the car because it made him feel trapped, and that his late wife would always bring things up in the car so he’d be railroaded into things. He can’t focus in the car. I’m thinking - uh, you brought this up, not me!

But then he went on to say that I wasn’t like her and he always has to remind himself that. He said that he felt like an asshole even mentioning it, but he didn’t ever propose to his wife. That someone they knew got engaged and she asked if he could see getting married in the future and he said yes. Suddenly, she was planning a wedding.

MisterMoonbeam said he didn’t want that again.

He said he wants to really take the time to plan out what a commitment ceremony would look like, and what it means to him, and that **he asks me to be with him.** He doesn’t want it rushed, and he wants that it’s purposeful and that he feels confident with everything.

Guys, I started tearing up because I don’t want anything BUT that. I told him I wanted to make what I want very clear to him, so he can understand my side of things. As much as I love him, I can’t have a ceremony this coming year. I would prefer to wait. If I have to legally divorce DarkKnight, not only would having a commitment ceremony with another partner destroy him, it would probably destroy me. I could never, ever do that. Also, I have too many health things going on to want to spend time planning anything. I’m a mess.

To me, just having him now be open to the idea is enough. I’m excited about it, and it makes me feel wonderful to think about. I told him when we hit our five year anniversary, maybe then. (Four years is March 2024.) I said, maybe we could do a joint commitment ceremony with DarkKnight after that time, if he and I have a legal divorce. (He seemed really enthused about this idea!) I know MisterMoonbeam is pagan, but I’m unsure about a hand fasting. I like the idea of doing something while at a Ren Faire, but I’m also okay with someplace secluded that is just us. He said he was going to take it all seriously and plan out what he wants. I told him we could take longer. We have forever to work it out and his feelings on the matter are important.

I know all of his hesitations and concerns are wrapped up in grief with the 20+ years with his late wife. The fact that he now wants to explore this with me really feels special. Even if the timing is shitty right now, I’m in love with him. That doesn’t feel like it’s going to change.

That said, my ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow. I’m feeling dizzy just typing that sentence. I’m terrified that it’s going to be the worst case scenario. I’m supposed to be up and decorating for our family party this weekend but instead I’m still in bed trying not to cry and not vomit.

The one thing that is really important to me, which I told him more than once, is that this discussion about ceremonies isn’t being triggered by me being sick and maybe dying. Fuck that. He said not in the least, so I guess we are okay on that score.

 

[Bluebird]

My living room isn’t terribly Christmas-y, but I got the mantle done today.







Hi Lenny! So far he’s stayed away from the fireplace.







I love the D&D dice ornaments we bought at Ohio Yuletide. Adding those to the garland just made it seem like home.

 

[Bluebird]

Ugh. Last night was fucking terrible.

I received my latest Stitch Fix box and I was very teary over it. Basically, I sent my last box back because my stylist sent size 16s to me, and none of them looked right. So, I asked for a set of jeans & pants in all size 14s, thinking I’d be sending them back too, because clearly those would be too small.

They weren’t. They all fit, and 2 of the 3 pairs were loose. FML My tops don’t look good with them - everything now is ill-fitting. It makes me feel like I am not me anymore. I don’t think I’ve lost more weight, but I am clearly losing inches.

I don’t like this at all. I feel like I’m losing myself.

 

[Bluebird]

The ultrasound is done. The tech was very nice. She was chatty with me, until she wasn’t. I asked if she saw anything and she said yes, “fibroids for sure and…well, I can’t diagnose.” Okay then. At one point the screen looked like there was confetti everywhere - lots of different colors - and I asked her if my ovaries were throwing a party and she matter-of-factly said that was the blood flow. I’m not sure if that was a bad thing or a good thing but it didn’t look calm.

That was all external ultrasound. Then she did a vaginal one and was quiet the entire way through. I asked her if she had ever seen a scan where she was like OMG that poor person! She told me she sees lots of those, unfortunately.

Uh, yeah. So the radiologist is supposed to be reading my pictures this morning and should get back with results within 2 business days. The tech said my health app should update quicker than anything, and it could be as early as today.

I didn’t get a good feeling.

 

[MeeraReed]

I had an ultrasound of my thyroid a few years ago (checking on a nodule that my doctor had felt and wanted to check if it was cancer) and the tech got awful quiet and somber. I could tell she saw something and she's not allowed to diagnose. Man, it sucked.

It turned out to be a benign thyroid nodule--BUT I had to get a biopsy that was inconclusive and THEN surgery to remove half my thyroid. Only then could they be sure it wasn't cancer.

So, the ultrasound techs do see things, but that doesn't mean it's cancer.

I also had lots of uterine thyroids and had many ultrasounds for them. Transvaginal, fun! The uterus makes weird growths.

 

[Bluebird]

I had an ultrasound of my thyroid a few years ago (checking on a nodule that my doctor had felt and wanted to check if it was cancer) and the tech got awful quiet and somber. I could tell she saw something and she's not allowed to diagnose. Man, it sucked.

It turned out to be a benign thyroid nodule--BUT I had to get a biopsy that was inconclusive and THEN surgery to remove half my thyroid. Only then could they be sure it wasn't cancer.

So, the ultrasound techs do see things, but that doesn't mean it's cancer.

I also had lots of uterine thyroids and had many ultrasounds for them. Transvaginal, fun! The uterus makes weird growths.

Thank you for sharing this with me, I appreciate it.

I haven’t heard anything back yet and I’m a mess. MisterMoonbeam took me to dinner at Outback tonight, and we talked a bunch about his late wife, and her passing. My situation is fostering a lot of discussions that we haven’t had before. So there’s that.

I’m hoping I get an update in the morning!

 

[kittyxuchiha11]

I also wanted to say I had an ultrasound where the tech got very quiet and took A LOT of pictures, wouldn't tell me anything at all. I had to wait weeks to hear anything back from it and then when I went in all they said was nothing was wrong there was just growth and slight cell changes but nothing was cancerous. Same thing happened when I went for a coloscopy. Both times I was freaking out, but it all turned out okay. And even worse case scenario, it will be scary but you'll get the help you need <3