Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

[Bluebird]

I have a date with the new guy (2nd date) and we’re doing an escape room together this afternoon. I actually have a date scheduled after that tonight with SirGawain, as his RPG has been canceled, and he’s available. I’m not sure what the plan is, at this point. There is going to be some time between the two dates, so I am going to do some Christmas shopping. I spent a ton of time wrapping gifts yesterday. True story - I’m actually done with SirGawain’s presents already!

I’m trying to cement the schedule in December for my winter trip to NY to see my nieces and nephews, and my sister. MisterMoonbeam has a week of vacation left, DarkKnight has zero. So, there wasn’t really much to be said about who was going with me! None of us are excited to really go - the issues with my mom has soured everything. However, I’m not planning to see her or my brother, and I am going to 100% be focused on being a supportive aunt and adult, as my sister’s ex passed away a month or so ago and my nieces and nephews need me.

The plan right now is to attend Yuletide at the PA Ren Faire on the 9th. I have the tickets already, and I’m waiting for a cloak I bought to arrive. I want to make a floral crown with evergreen and lights and holly berries. It’s going to be gorgeous! Anyway, we can either stay up there overnight and continue on the trip North the next day, or come home and sleep there to travel to NY on Sunday. It’s not a great distance for us, so it kinda makes sense to save a little bit on the hotel and come home.

When we are actually in NY, we will stay at my oldest nephew’s house. At the moment that’s all we got! I want to make it a fun trip with some side quests along the way, but that will depend on how bad the weather is! MisterMoonbeam has never been to Niagara Falls, and I’d love to show him the sights there, but more than likely it’ll be too cold and snowy out. So we will probably do something else!

 

[Bluebird]

The date went really well. He had never done an escape room before and we ROCKED it together. He was SO giddy and excited afterward, it was cute to see. When we won, we took time to walk downtown and we hit up a bar - we didn’t drink but he had a steak & cheese and I nibbled in a side salad. Then he suggested we go down to the rock shop, which I thought was sweet because he remembered I mentioned having a collection of stones. I got a good kiss goodbye and a message later saying he had an amazing time. We’re going to try and schedule another date for next week.

I did get some Christmas shopping done and was able to meet up with SirGawain at Mission BBQ for dinner. I was home by 9 pm and able to snuggle up to DarkKnight for a good sleep.

This morning we had an animal control person come by to take a look at our raccoon issue. He said there has been no basement intrusion as the deck space just opens uunderneath to the actual cement foundation. He also said that they don’t do a humane release - if they trap it, it’s dying. So, I guess we have a new bestie. Our plan is to tear down the deck and replace it due to its age anyway, so he said basically we can deal with it then, with a broom. lol

I’m going to wrap the stuff I bought in a bit, have lunch here at home with MisterMoonbeam, and then go pick up my son and take him grocery shopping. Tonight MisterMoonbeam and I are going to a rock club meet up. We talked this morning more about our schedules coming up, including Valentine’s. He already bought tickets for us the weekend after that for us to go to Mythicon and two dances, but he realized there was another dance event in more northern Pennsylvania that is a vampire masquerade that he would love to take me to - but it’s the weekend before Valentine’s!

Neither SirGawain or DarkKnight have made any plans yet for then, so I’m now anxious. I wanna go to the Vampire thing, like, A LOT. But neither of those guys is going to choose to take me to something like that. I do know that DarkKnight isn’t going to claim any time then as he has a theater program that is running that whole month, pretty much. So he had suggested dinner on a weeknight around Valentines, which is perfectly fine. I’m not sure about SirGawain. I was actually thinking maybe he and I could go and see DarkKnight perform! So IDK how that will all shake out.

 

[Bluebird]

Yesterday I did more present wrapping and then I took my son grocery shopping. It was good to see him, though he was at my house on Sunday for D&D. I got him stocked up on food for the month and now I won’t see him until next weekend - we do our family Thanksgiving on Saturday.

Last night I had a date night with MisterMoonbeam and we went to a rock club meeting that I joined a couple months ago. I missed the first gathering but this one I was there! MisterMoonbeam is not into rocks as much as I am, but he definitely knows stuff! Anyway, there was good discussion and I guess they are going to have meetings and “field trips” once a month. I’m excited to have excursions that are rock related, even if I go on my own in the future.

Oh! During the meeting I got a text from this dude that I am dating and he asked me to go to a local cave with him on our next date! What are the odds? I felt so SEEN. I have good feelings about him, for sure. So far it seems like he’s really invested in getting to know me. Sweet. I wasn’t able to text him back til much later in the evening, but our conversation was good when I did.

My schedule is getting crazier though, since it’s the end of the year. It’s so weird that I’m not putting together any holiday decoration giveaway, I’m not matching seniors or teens for gifts, there’s no special random acts of Christmas.

 

[Bluebird]

I’m home alone today and have spent most of the morning just lounging in bed. I’m finally up. My period is still ongoing so I’m irritable about that. I’m going to have some breakfast and then feed the cats their lunch, and then shower.

Here is me a couple days ago. I wore this on my second date with this new guy. Maybe I should give him a name here? Hmmm. Gonna have to think on that!



I haven’t worked at all on the painting in my craft room this week. The plan was to get that finished. I guess at this point it’s going to be bumped entirely to next week. It happens. I did take a trip out to the storage unit this weekend to see about getting it emptied. This unit was mainly for my Blessing Box though there is a little bit in it that was personal junk. SirGawain came with me to look it over - I hadn’t been there since like February. I put my hands on every single box and bin, decided what needed to go and sent DarkKnight a picture. He stopped last night and loaded up the van and took everything I circled in the photo to be donated. It looks like this now:



I have a person who wants the coffee tables and the metal shelves on the left and right. They’re also taking a Christmas tree. The plastic shelves in the back are ours, and they’re coming back to the house, as is the sandwich board to the front left. The red & black bins are full of donations, but so need to dump them into cheaper bins before giving them to Goodwill. I’m not gifting $20 bins. Lol

Everything else is going to the dump, except for the wading pools in the back. I’ll bring those to the house as well.

Seriously though, this is two trips and then we can get rid of this unit. Whoo hoo! It’s only costing us $30 a month, but it’s time to let it go. I guess I can say I got something done this week, even if it’s just me telling DarkKnight where to unload stuff. Teamwork! Lol

So yeah, I will have him stop again tonight. This afternoon I’m going to make some room in the garage for stuff. THAT area is still a disaster but I’m doing what I can to get this house in shape!

Tonight MisterMoonbeam has a second date with this new lady and I’m hoping it continues to go well. I think DarkKnight and I are going to do a lot of budgeting and figure out some scheduling for next year. I also want to play a new game I bought and he said yes to that. Yay!

 

[Bluebird]

So no budgeting happened last night, but that’s okay! We played the new escape room board game - we did the tutorial and the first adventure. It’s an Unlock! brand game and there are 3 scenarios, each based on a different board game. We did the easiest one, based on Ticket to Ride. It was a LOT of fun and I enjoyed spending that time with DarkKnight! We achieved 3 out of 5 stars though and went over our time by 6 minutes. The last puzzle had a lot of steps and we weren’t very clear on what we were trying to achieve. lol We got it though - only 2 hints and 2 penalties the entire game.



I chatted some with the new guy, and he brought up a concern he had which I was able to dispel and I could tell he was much relieved. We are planning to see each other Tuesday for sure now, and he’s going to take me to a local cave attraction.

Funny enough, my bestie in NY also started texting me and I let her know I would be coming up with MisterMoonbeam next month and that we hoped to see her! I really miss her, even though we are such very different people.

MisterMoonbeam apparently had a great second date, so yay! He had said he would call me before leaving work (he went into the office yesterday) but he forgot to call me until he was almost at the restaurant! I had just assumed he was working late but I was kind of distracted because I was figuring out logistics on picking up our 12 foot Christmas tree. So no harm done, I guess!

They had dinner and then threw axes. He texted me when the date was over and he was headed home, but at that point I was talking to my bestie in NY and matching up socks. lol I caught the text like 10 minutes later, so I called him and we talked for maybe 15 minutes. It was a little before 11 pm then so I was actually ready to turn in since I was with DarkKnight (he never stays up late).

I had realized at that point that I never got a phone call around 6 pm as I do every day from SirGawain, and he texted me a few minutes later, still at work. I told him to please not to call because DarkKnight was wanting to sleep.

I woke up this morning extremely agitated - my period is again way way too heavy and it’s past the regular timing. I’m pissed off that my regular 4 days of brown spotting has again turned into 4 days of brown spotting and so far - two days of extremely heavy, clotty bright red and deep red flow. WHAT THE FUCK. It began when I started back on the Metformin. This is bullshit. I don’t want to live like this. My tampon has of course leaked overnight and I had to change my pajama pants. Thankfully nothing got on the sheets this time.

I’m glad I see the doctor today, but it won’t be my doctor. I hope whoever this dude is, he will LISTEN to me that this is not at all normal for me. I have really bad cramps and I just want to cry.

This morning DarkKnight is up and making me breakfast. My plan is to go shopping in a bit - I gave away a ton of cubbies and shelving last night that was in the storage unit, the garage and in my house. We had this black set of cubbies in the living room, which has been holding the VCR and the PS2, PS3, and PS4. Also the battery charger and an echo dot. Only like two things fit, because the cubby isn’t a Kallax and instead is some knockoff brand with undersized cubes. It’s been annoying me for sooooo long. So this morning I am going to go out and buy something to put in that space. Maybe a small bookcase? I need to take some measurements!



My doctor appointment is a little after 1 pm, and when that is done, I need to get back home and then MisterMoonbeam and I are leaving for Virginia for the weekend. I still don’t know what’s up with my Christmas tree. Apparently the delivery truck was late getting to the store last night. They told me to call back and probably DarkKnight will get it this evening when he gets home from work.

 

[Bluebird]

I got the Christmas tree myself! Pulled it inside and everything. I won’t do that again, but I was excited to have it home.

My doctor appointment was good and bad. The nurse made me cry, as she was rude and condescending and it just upset me. I wasn’t meeting with my actual doctor though, instead today they matched me up with a doctor doing her residency.

1 - My blood pressure was 120/70 so they decided against giving me any meds for that. Previously I’ve been running high, so I thought that was a foregone conclusion. Nope. So yay! I need to continue to take my blood pressure at home, which I will do.

2 - They’ve decided to forgo the continuous glucose monitor for now. My A1C is now down far enough that just doing the single reading before one meal and then again two hours afterward with a finger stick should be enough information.

3 - I’m now officially off of the Metformin. My period today is needing to change out the ULTRA tampon every hour again. This has me so incredibly upset, so I am glad to be done with this medication! They prescribed me some Ozempic, but they were uncertain if the pharmacy could fill the script due to shortages, and it’s unknown if my insurance will cover it. The internet says it goes for like $900 a month, so uh, yeah.

4 - I’m no longer required to keep track of my diet. They said with my numbers continuing to track downward, it’s clear I understand what I should be eating, and they are only interested in the glucose number, not carbs and fiber and such. She said if I were on insulin, it would make sense, but I can stop if I’d like. I do not like. I will continue to update my food diary.

5 - They’re happy with the level of exercise I have been doing and are encouraging me to continue. Okay.

6 - I will go back to see the doctor on January 5 for a follow up on the first month on Ozempic, though I should call if I have any troubling side effects.

That’s about it, other than they think I have only lost 10 pounds, when my scale says 15. Whatever. I’m actually happy right at this weight now. They said I should be prepared to drop more when I start the Ozempic.

I’m so very glad that this visit is over. I was terribly anxious this entire week, worrying about it. As MisterMoonbeam and I left for Virginia, I could feel the tension staying behind as we headed for Virginia. My main worry was mostly not that he would leave me due to my health issues, but that he would want to leave but stay out of duty. He understands my wonkiness but says he’s fine and not going anywhere. So yay about that.

 

[Evie]

Did you talk with your doctor about endometriosis at all?

 

[Bluebird]

Did you talk with your doctor about endometriosis at all?

I did, but she just set up a lab test for my red blood cell count because she was concerned at the amount of blood I am losing. She said that since I have no other symptoms and this seems to have a clear-ish trigger, we’ll just stop the Metformin and go from there.

My insurance is so shitty, I honestly don’t need to know what’s up at these prices. I’ve got to save the HSA cash to pay for the endoscopy that I’m still waiting for the endocrinologist to schedule me for in December. And then hopefully be able to have enough left to pay for a month or two of Ozempic without sacrificing a small slush for regular visits and prescriptions.

 

[Bluebird]

I had a fun time in Virginia this weekend. We talked more with our triad friends, and had some very open and honest discussions about emotions, sex and life in general. We’re going to go to a pirate-themed private play party at the end of December together. Right now the plan is still to do parallel play and just be voyeurs when it comes to each other.

I get the feeling the one woman wants to get with me, but the dude is happy to keep things friendly between us. He spent an hour watching me put on makeup, straighten my hair and talked with me about life plans & stuff in general on Sunday morning. Like, he obviously finds me attractive. I’m down for whatever, and I like having him as a friend, so not escalating is fine.

Speaking of fine, holy shit MisterMoonbeam is looking amazing lately!



He sent me this picture when I was at my last friend’s charcuterie birthday party on Saturday. I couldn’t stop staring at it! He’s so sexy, and kind, and just all around amazing! I told him he needed to be sure to take an umbrella outside with him or else he might drown in pussy. I seriously find him so fucking hot OMG.

I guess the feeling is mutual, as the last week we’ve been banging each other’s brains out and having some sort of sexual contact every single day.



On Sunday we left Virginia after noon, and drove home leisurely. We stopped at this old mill and took a tour, and had lunch at Firehouse subs along the way. We talked a lot about polyamory and I feel very good about our communication.

 

[Bluebird]

So I got a call this morning and my endoscopy is now scheduled for February. It made me feel a little afraid for a short bit but I was then able to move forward with my day.

After my lunchtime walk, the new guy messaged me and he got his STD testing done today! I was happy to hear this, and we just spent about an hour texting back and forth about safe sex practices and preferences. I feel good about him, I do, but I’m still waiting for that jolt of NRE.

 

[Bluebird]

Did you talk with your doctor about endometriosis at all?

Soooo the doctor just called and she wants me to go in for a specialized ultrasound. She suspects I might have endometrial hyperplasia. She says I have almost all of the risk factors.


I have at one point been diagnosed with diabetes, gallbladder disease and thyroid disease. I'm waiting for a call back with an appointment date now for the ultrasound. She DID use the cancer word as this is highly associated with it. She said she doesn't feel comfortable with me not getting looked at.

So yeah

 

[MeeraReed]

I am not a doctor, but a quick google search says that endometrial hyperplasia is not cancer, but may be precancerous. Don't panic yet!

Sounds like it could be treated with progesterone therapy or a hysterectomy.

I was very, very scared to have my hysterectomy last year (for uterine fibroids) but it went super well and let me say, life without a uterus is awesome.

I spent a long time living with symptoms that I should not have tolerated. My uterus weighed almost 5 pounds (due to benign tumors) when they removed it!! I should have had it taken out years earlier. It was impacting my life negatively in ways I hadn't even realized.

You seem to be having very frequent, very heavy periods. Women are taught that menstrual symptoms are just something to tolerate, but we should learn to be more proactive when something isn't right with our bodies.

It could be good news if they identify a cause for your symptoms! A problem with a name will have a treatment plan.

 

[Bluebird]

I am not a doctor, but a quick google search says that endometrial hyperplasia is not cancer, but may be precancerous. Don't panic yet!

Sounds like it could be treated with progesterone therapy or a hysterectomy.

I was very, very scared to have my hysterectomy last year (for uterine fibroids) but it went super well and let me say, life without a uterus is awesome.

I spent a long time living with symptoms that I should not have tolerated. My uterus weighed almost 5 pounds (due to benign tumors) when they removed it!! I should have had it taken out years earlier. It was impacting my life negatively in ways I hadn't even realized.

You seem to be having very frequent, very heavy periods...women are taught that menstrual symptoms are just something to tolerate...but we should learn to be more proactive when something isn't right with our bodies.

It could be good news if they identify a cause for your symptoms! A problem with a name will have a treatment plan.

I used to have frequent, heavy periods but for the last year it’s generally been 4 days of light brown spotting and then it’s over. I thought I was heading toward menopause; this change to two-week long bloodbaths is not okay! I hope that this ultrasound shows that the issue is easily fixable.

This scares me much more than the endoscopy. Not the procedure, but the potential outcome.

What’s crazy is that I have a known issue with progesterone - back when I was trying to conceive with my first husband, it came to be known that my luteal phase was very short because of a lack of progesterone. I took it for a bit, and it did improve the length of my cycles. We ultimately discovered my ex was 100% sterile due to a genetic issue, so I went off of it.

This potential diagnosis seems likely. I’m not appreciative that all of these health concerns are hitting at once. Thank you for letting me know your experience. It calms me a bit.

 

[Bluebird]

I had a date with the new guy again yesterday. He had said he wanted to take me to a local cave for a tour and I had never been, so that went over really well! I paid for lunch at a diner, and we sat and talked for a bit before heading to the cave. We had a bunch of time available afterward, so he came over to the house and met MisterMoonbeam, and got the tour here.



The plan is to wait for his test results to come back (he got tested on Monday) and maybe have an overnight next Friday. We will see.

Later in the evening, DarkKnight came home and wanted to eat out before he went to practice, so he went and got Thai food while MisterMoonbeam and I headed to Chili’s. Afterward we went to Target where I finished up Christmas shopping for my nieces and nephews (I need to still buy a gas card but I’m waiting til I’m actually in their town in NY to get that.) MisterMoonbeam had a rough evening with lots of poops and pain after Chili’s, so he kept me company in the evening in between trips to the bathroom. DarkKnight had the overnight with me after his practice though.

I have a bunch of financial stuff to figure out this week - maybe Thursday night? MisterMoonbeam and I will be heading to his parents for Thanksgiving (our big family gathering is Saturday with the kids and our polycule). Today I have a million errands - the post office, somewhere to buy more silverware, continued Christmas shopping and I still need to buy the furniture piece for the living room. I’m hoping to get the tree up on Friday - I cleared the atrium corner out of all of the plants to make space for it, and washed the floor, so that’s ready now.

 

[Bluebird]

Today MisterMoonbeam and I had turkey with his parents. It’s always sorta stressful when we visit since they don’t know that we’re polyamorous and that I’m married. It went okay but I feel like such a shit for not being open with who I am but MisterMoonbeam has been hiding this stuff for over 20 years from them, and it doesn’t make sense to give them a reason to freak out when they’re in their 70s.

We returned home after DarkKnight had taken my son back - they ordered in Chinese and watched TV together all day - so I didn’t get to see him. He’ll be back over on Saturday for our big family feast day! Anyway, it was still early so DarkKnight, MisterMoonbeam and I had junk from Sheetz for dinner and played an escape room board game. It was fun but stressful too, just like a real escape room. Lol

I actually was feeling out of sorts, but even more so when I realized that SirGawain had spent the day with his dad, and with his siblings and their dating partners. I’m like, uh, you told me you didn’t have anything planned? I would have definitely made space in my schedule to go! Instead he told them I couldn’t come.

He’s done this before - where he just doesn’t ask and then I’m left wondering if he didn’t want me there, or if he just assumes I don't wanna be there. It makes me feel unsettled, and like I don’t know where I stand with SirGawain. I also resent a bit that he makes me look like I don’t care to go and support him at family events, when I absolutely would if the timing worked! And this I actually could have gone if he had mentioned it at all.

He said sorry but it felt very forced and I still don’t understand what happened, to be honest.

 

[Bluebird]

DarkKnight had to work today which makes me sad. I wish he was at home with me.

MisterMoonbeam is home, but right now he’s still in bed. He’s going to help me put up our new 12 foot tree, and I’m very excited. I’m also a little stressed because I didn’t take into consideration that my old tree was like 5 feet shorter and so don’t have enough garland or decorations to make it look good. I’m planning on maybe popping out this morning while he’s still asleep and looking for ideas. I don’t want to spend a lot, but I also want my tree to be fabulous! Ugh it’s Black Friday though. I don’t really want to be out in nonsense.

SirGawain says he has today off as well, but he made no overtures about spending time together today so I guess he isn’t interested. He will be here tomorrow night for our family dinner and a sleepover, and we have D&D on Sunday.

I need to get all my bins from the storage room downstairs in order, and ready to be moved. Since everyone was sick with Covid, all of my Halloween stuff is just crammed into the space, blocking up everything. So it’s going to take time to get everything situated.

WTF! I’m typing this and suddenly all of the lights go out and then there’s a huge bang, like a firework going off on the Fourth of July - out in the distance. And then silence in my house. I immediately went to the electric company website and reported an outage. Guess I will get dressed and go shopping for Christmas decorations?

 

[Bluebird]

We had our family Thanksgiving today and all my kids were here as well as their partners. DarkKnight and I had a morning out together downtown and that was nice too.

My tree is halfway done but it scares me because we only have like a six foot ladder and putting stuff at the top is crazypants since it’s 12 feet tall. This isn’t the best picture, but it’ll work for now. lol I still have to put ornaments on. Yes, my tree this year has globes on it!

 

[Bluebird]

Apparently I am old and climbing up and down ladders for two days is not something my body enjoys. Ugh! Everything is achy and cramped up - especially my feet. I need a full body massage! I woke up at 4 am today feeling just terrible. I can’t wait to go and shower under some hot water. I’m thinking about spending some time in my master bath jetted tub…

I’m actually feeling really hungry right now, which is crazy because I ate a big plate at Thanksgiving dinner last night. I’ve spent the last few days NOT sticking to my diet and I’ve been eating a lot of carbs. My goal is to have leftovers today and be back to strict eating tomorrow.

I’m trying to decide whether to get out of bed and make some chai right now, or wait a few hours to have DarkKnight make it for me with some flavored cold foam. Right before we discovered I was diabetic, he had bought syrups and a milk frother and was making my morning drinks DELICIOUS. Now I haven’t had any in several months and it would be nice to enjoy that on my last cheat day.

I need to do budgeting today and since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to be working with my partners to transfer credit card balances to our new 0% card. Originally I was very confident we could end 2023 with almost no new debt, but this last month we’ve been racking it up for points and spending on Christmas. That said, with everything on a new card, at least all of our upcoming payments will get it knocked down fast.

We still have not been able to hold our state of the union but maybe if I hustle we can get it on the table for next weekend!

 

[Bluebird]

I’m not in a very cheery mood. I don’t know why. I feel down and depressed. I am anxious about finances and about this maybe being my last Christmas and possibly splitting with SirGawain. There are so many moving parts to my life and so many have the potential to be catastrophic.

Okay, that may be an oversell. That word is a bit much. I have to finish paperwork and figuring out stuff, but the State of the Union will be this coming Sunday.

Finances - I have all of the bills paid for this month and the guys are good. We still have a bunch of Christmas gifts to cover over the next couple of pay periods. DarkKnight has two and he says he’s solid on paying for them. I can’t remember how many I have yet, but I’m fairly sure I can pay with cash. MisterMoonbeam hasn’t budgeted as well and he needs to probably charge them.

MisterMoonbeam was several hundred dollars over because of various reasons this paycheck, and his balance on his credit card went up. I was able to cover things but it stressed me out.

We are transferring the largest part of our credit card debt to a zero interest card. That check will go into the mail today. However, we aren’t going to get out of the beginning of the year without charging more - I have the trip to PA & NY this month, and then the classes that MisterMoonbeam & I are taking in Jan-Feb-March. We have two dances we are attending in February, and both of my girls have birthdays in January. Oh, and then MisterMoonbeam’s new grandbaby is being born, and that’s a plane ticket for me to Arizona (his will be free as we will visit when his work sends him next year).

My biggest anxiety is my health. I’m back to eating in a strict manner today and I can’t say that I feel like the carbs and choices I made for Thanksgiving were really worth it. Ugh. Oh well, moving forward.

I know that I am going to have to pay out of pocket for the endoscopy in February, and whatever the ultrasound costs this month. I do have HSA funds but I know the full cost of both of those has to be covered because they will come up against our deductible. Do we have enough? I don’t know. I don’t know what they will even cost. I haven’t heard from the doctor about the cost of Ozempic, and I don’t think the insurance is going to pay for that at all. At $1000 a month - that definitely isn’t sustainable. It’s honestly a non-starter with both of those procedures having to be paid as well.

I’m trying not to borrow trouble but I feel like my endoscopy will probably be okay? Like maybe they will discover that I’ve had some damage but I can’t focus or worry that they might find esophageal cancer, though that’s what the doctor was concerned about. It seems like that’s an unnecessary escalation.

I am very very concerned about the uncontrolled bleeding I’ve experienced the last few months, and I’ve pretty much stopped reading about endometrial hyperplasia because that diagnosis seems like it will stick. I have all of the hallmarks of it and every single risk factor except for smoking. I’ve never been dumb enough to do that, thank goodness. This is what the ultrasound will figure out though, but I am anxious about it. Honestly I am feeling very fatalistic about it, and I think I will be having a hysterectomy. This is just a feeling. I need to be more positive but it just feels like a forgone conclusion and series of events. I know that isn’t true but it’s in my headspace and I’m letting it simmer.

Oh geez also my son got a letter yesterday that he’s being taken off of disability. I kept telling him he was working too much but he’d just not listen. I do think he can survive on his fast food job but it’s going to be terrible long term for him. I’m really really anxious about them coming at him for overpayments. He doesn’t have it. I’m not sure how that will shake out either. And he will lose his health insurance. Fuck.

I have a huge stack of stuff to mail out today, so I am heading to the post office when it opens. I also need to pay our last regular internet bill - we switched to dedicated fiber a bit ago and the final amount is like $3. I have to go to the office and pay it. lol I also need to do some grocery shopping. This evening we are going to empty the van and prepare for the next dump trip this week.

The new guy I’ve been seeing had his STD tests come back and everything was negative. However, they did not do an HSV test so he’s going to be using condoms with me. I won’t risk it. That said, I am into him when we are together but I haven’t felt a shred of NRE. He’s coming for an overnight on Friday, and he will meet DarkKnight then. He’s already met MisterMoonbeam.

He won’t meet SirGawain, since SirGawain has difficulty with adjusting to new partners and can’t be civil. I’m having less and less patience with SirGawain. I told him straight up a month or so again that if he didn’t get his house clean for the New Year, I would break up with him. I keep checking in to see if he’s even attempted to hire a cleaner, but nope. I just feel like I’m not a priority, I can’t even open the front door at his place without gagging. He’s done a great job keeping the basement clean after the last time he had someone in to spruce it up, but I can’t get down there without being assaulted by the smell of the rest of the house. One bathroom has a broken toilet and can’t be used at all, the one in the basement is okay, but you couldn’t pay me enough to use the one upstairs.

I can’t get into the bedroom because it’s hoarded up and unsanitary. I haven’t slept over there in over a year now, and he seems content with that. Even though a couple of weeks ago he told me he isn’t coming to my house at all once the winter weather hits because he doesn’t want to drive in it. So where does that leave us? I don’t think he’s concerned about it.

I’m dead serious about leaving him in January if he doesn’t get this taken care of. A year! It’s been a year. What the fuck? Thank goodness we moved to the new house because he definitely would have been unable to host Thanksgiving.

I’m supposed to see him for a date night this week on Wednesday or Thursday. Which won’t be at his house, so I will drive to Frederick. Maybe we will see a movie? I am really wanting to see the new Hunger Games and of course, Godzilla. We have D&D on Saturday so he will get a sleepover then again - he had one this Saturday and spent the entire day Sunday here. That would have been nice but I was working on getting the house clean for Thanksgiving and decorating the tree, and he didn’t offer to help and spent all of Saturday on his laptop until I point blank told him he needed to spend time with me. So he shut it down immediately, but then sat in the atrium on his phone instead. Sigh.

I spent some time last night looking at all of our pictures together and I do love this man. Why, I don’t know. I got his Christmas presents first and I feel happy about them. I feel drawn to him but this is not a healthy dynamic. I don’t know if he can have a healthy dynamic with anyone though - and I am questioning if he’s even attending therapy anymore. What’s the future here? I am going to stick to my words though, as not being able to even hang out at his house - it’s been a YEAR since I slept over. How can that not be a priority?

 

[Bluebird]

My tree is complete. I am really in the dumps today, but I finished grocery shopping this morning, and finished the tree this afternoon.





It’s 12 feet tall. All of my memories are on here.

Edited to add a nighttime photo: