2 Couples, 4 People, 1 Problem.

[Red5DT]

Ok, so we finally started hanging out with our couple friend and it went to the beds. But now the couple, both wife and husband, want to date my wife but not me. They're ok if I hang around as a FWB, but they're really romantically interested in my wife.

Is this a safe situation? Should I lighten up and let them date? Should I grab my wife and run? I just don't know how to handle this decision.

Thanks all.

 

[ref2018]

Ok, so we finally started hanging out with our couple friend and it went to the beds. But now the couple, both wife and husband, want to date my wife but not me. They're ok if I hang around as a FWB, but they're really romantically interested in my wife.

Is this a safe situation? Should I lighten up and let them date? Should I grab my wife and run? I just don't know how to handle this decision.

Thanks all.

What does your wife think about all of this? Does she get a say in it?

 

[Red5DT]

Yes! She is currently torn. She likes both of them and would like to date them but feels uncomfortable/bad that I will be left out.

I myself am unsure how I should feel and react. I know compersion would be the answer, but I feel so left out.

 

[ref2018]

Yes! She is currently torn. She likes both of them and would like to date them but feels uncomfortable/bad that I will be left out.

I myself am unsure how I should feel and react. I know compersion would be the answer, but I feel so left out.

Compersion is not something you can force on yourself. Your wife is just going to need to decide whether this couple is worth the time and emotional bandwidth that it will take to date them separately.

When you say "left out," did you mean that this was supposed to be an equal swap type of deal, where you date the wife of the other couple and your wife dates the other husband? Was it supposed to be just a FWB arrangement all around? If you're already poly (as opposed to swingers contemplating a transition to poly), had you discussed dating separately already, or had you agreed that you would be a "package deal"?

We really need a lot more information in order to give you the best possible advice.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

From my swinging experience, you generally enter a swinging space with a partner with an agreement to either seek separate partners, seek joint partners/couples, or that you're open to either. If you have agreed beforehand to seek joint partners/couples at that event, it's always best to stick to that, even if it means you don't end up playing with other people.

The majority of the time people change that agreement to adapt to the "dry spell" that they're experiencing, it seems to breed resentment.

What's slightly different is deciding after a few "dry" events that you will move from seeking joint partners, to seeking separate or being more flexible in the moment. But it's best to do that away from the events and not in the moment.

If I extrapolate that to a poly situation, I'd advise that you forego this couple, even if you ultimately decide to change your general approach to polyamory by dating separately from now on.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Den,

You really have to figure out what your own limits are here. Are you willing to let your wife date this couple without you? What about dating separately, is your wife okay with you dating on your own? As for this couple, I can't tell if they're unicorn hunters. They're acting a little unicorn-hunter-ish, especially in wanting something with a woman (your wife) but not a man (you).

In really terse and concrete form, my basic vote would be to let your wife date this couple (as long as that's what she wants). As long as you can stand it. To find out, you might have to give it a try, and see how you feel. If your circuits are then being overloaded, you could then ask your wife to back off. Just don't wait long to ask her. NRE can build up high and fast.

I hope you can work this out.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Ok, so we finally started hanging out with our couple friend and it went to the beds. But now the couple, both wife and husband, want to date my wife but not me.

Is there a swinging background on both couples parts, or did this just happen organically?

They're ok if I hang around as a FWB, but they're really romantically interested in my wife.

So you didn’t get rejected completely. That’s got to be worth something, right?

Is this a safe situation?

Safe for whom?

Should I lighten up and let them date?

IMO you’re in a lose-lose situation.

Should I grab my wife and run? I just don't know how to handle this decision.

I'd let it play out however it's going play out, and find your own romantic interests solo.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

So, here's my perspective, as someone who started my journey into nonmonogamy through swinging. Your wife is honestly just asking for heartbreak if she pursues this couple. (Obviously, this is all my opinion.)

First-- they're comfortable asking her to date independently. Are they going to each be dating her solo, or are they expecting it to be a trio all the time? If the first, maybe it'll be OK. If it's the second, eww.

Second-- have any of you done any of the work to get ready for polyamory? Sex is one thing, love is another. Jealousy and envy are beasts that easily kill relationships all the time. What have ALL FOUR of you done to be ready, especially your wife, who is going to become a hinge partner between her spouse and not one, but two others? Is she prepared to balance needs? Communicate honestly and openly all the time with everyone, while also respecting people's privacy and trust?

Are there kids in the picture? If so, what will they be told? What about friends and family?

Third-- what do you mean by safe? Emotionally, who knows? Physically, as long as everyone involved gets tested and has a record of behaving decently, I don't see why it wouldn't be. This is another area where I ask if y'all have done the work, though. Do risk levels and risk tolerance line up? Have things like testing practices and schedules, pregnancy prevention, if it's a concern, safer sex practices, etc., been discussed? If pregnancy is possible, what is the plan in case of an accidental pregnancy?

Fourth-- if your wife does choose to pursue this couple, are you all comfortable with you also trying to meet someone(s) to date? If yes, see all the discussion points above. If no, that's a breeding ground for resentment. Honestly, even if yes, think about how you'll all feel if wife falls happily in love with two other people, and you never meet anyone. If you aren't prepared to deal with that, then don't open the door to it.

Fifth-- it's on the table. You're all thinking about it. Is there a going back to the original plan or is there only an "I'm not comfortable with THIS situation, but we can figure our shit out and move towards poly in a different situation," or...?

Hubby and I opened up from monogamy, to swinging as a couple, to completely sexually open/"playing separately," to polyamory. A swinging partner that I fell for was the reason we became aware of polyamory and pursued it. That relationship was NOT healthy. We had not done sufficient emotional labor and were not prepared for many of the issues I outlined above. It sucked. I don't recommend it.

 

[Bobbi]

Needing more info…

The thoughts that I'd add to what everyone else said are that it’s incredibly hard to find a couple to be a quad with, as usually some may be attracted to others, and others not. If attractions happen, it can be just between two people, or none, or three, but invariably there’s someone left out. If you are looking for that type of relationship, where you all have attraction, you’ll have a very difficult time finding that. Talk deeply with your partner and really figure out what you each want and what you agree to as a couple.

When diving into polyamory, I suggest you go slow, like one partner each, and navigate and learn with one before adding more into the mix. The dynamic with two of them and one of her will be difficult, as she's not only navigating multiple partners (three of you) but also a couple dynamic (the two of them against you could be a possibility) which could prove challenging to her, and possibly your relationship, if she doesn't have the skills developed strongly enough to handle it.

 

[dingedheart]

When diving into polyamory, I suggest you go slow, like one partner each, and navigate and learn with one before adding more into the mix. The dynamic with two of them and one of her will be difficult, as she's not only navigating multiple partners (three of you) but also a couple dynamic (the two of them against you could be a possibility) which could prove challenging to her, and possibly your relationship, if she doesn't have the skills developed strongly enough to handle it.

How does the rejected spouse suggest this, without sounding like a hurt, angry, jealous, left-out asshole? SERIOUSLY, how would he or anyone challenge someone else’s relationship skill level without sounding horribly arrogant?

Maybe he should get her parents involved too. Let's see how that sits.

I'm not trying to be insulting here, just maybe mirroring how you feel.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

How does the rejected spouse suggest this without sounding like a hurt, angry, jealous, left-out asshole? SERIOUSLY, how would he or anyone challenge someone else’s relationship skill level without sounding horribly arrogant?

Maybe he should get her parents involved too. Let's see how that sits.

I'm not trying to be insulting here, just maybe mirroring how you feel.

"Hey, spouse, I know you're interested in polyamory. I am too! I'm not really comfortable with continuing down the road with this couple, though, since they are not interested in what we originally agreed to. I feel like the situation would be really hard on me if you continued to date them. I've never had to share your love and attention before, and suddenly having to accommodate three additional relationships (you and him, you and her, you and them together), plus me potentially meeting other new people sounds overwhelming. Would you be willing to step back and learn more with me first, to make sure we're both feeling stable and ready? I don't want to get jealous and make a mess of this."

Personal responsibility. Alternatives. Actual communication. Would the conversation be uncomfortable? Probably. But is it accusatory? I don't think so.

 

[Evie]

Okay, well that was a little out of left field. Parents? What?

And why on earth would the now fictitious rejected spouse be an asshole? Because the OP isn't giving AH vibes.

Bobbi is right that it is difficult to navigate dating a couple, and there are skills involved, especially around adhering to one's own boundaries, that so often aren't honed. There are plenty of ways to approach this conversation tactfully without being an AH and there is food for thought for the OP about what *he* would do if his wife's hinge skills aren't great (and why would they be instantly wonderful, it's a whole new way of being to navigate?) And it would be great if he could discuss hinge skills with her and his needs, wants and boundaries.

No assholery being done.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

From my swinging experience, you generally enter a swinging space with a partner with an agreement to either seek separate partners, seek joint partners/couples, or that you're open to either. If you have agreed beforehand to seek joint partners/couples at that event, it's always best to stick to that, even if it means you don't end up playing with other people.

The majority of the time people change that agreement to adapt to the "dry spell" that they're experiencing, it seems to breed resentment.

What's slightly different is deciding after a few "dry" events that you will move from seeking joint partners, to seeking separate or being more flexible in the moment. But it's best to do that away from the events and not in the moment.

If I extrapolate that to a poly situation, I'd advise that you forego this couple, even if you ultimately decide to change your general approach to polyamory by dating separately from now on.

For the record, the reason I mentioned swinging is because it's the only form of ENM that I've done where we sometimes had a "rule" that we come as a pair and have had to navigate that through changing situations like dry spells or lack of mutual attraction/desire.

 

[FtMcryptid]

As a newbie to poly life and someone who is currently dealing with a potentially similar situation, I'm very interested in how more seasoned poly couples handle these issues. First times can be overwhelming.

 

[Red5DT]

So, here's my perspective, as someone who started my journey into nonmonogamy through swinging. Your wife is honestly just asking for heartbreak if she pursues this couple. (Obviously, this is all my opinion.)

First-- they're comfortable asking her to date independently. Are they going to each be dating her solo, or are they expecting it to be a trio all the time? If the first, maybe it'll be OK. If it's the second, eww.

Second-- have any of you done any of the work to get ready for polyamory? Sex is one thing, love is another. Jealousy and envy are beasts that easily kill relationships all the time. What have ALL FOUR of you done to be ready, especially your wife, who is going to become a hinge partner between her spouse and not one, but two others? Is she prepared to balance needs? Communicate honestly and openly all the time with everyone, while also respecting people's privacy and trust?

Are there kids in the picture? If so, what will they be told? What about friends and family?

Third-- what do you mean by safe? Emotionally, who knows? Physically, as long as everyone involved gets tested and has a record of behaving decently, I don't see why it wouldn't be. This is another area where I ask if y'all have done the work, though. Do risk levels and risk tolerance line up? Have things like testing practices and schedules, pregnancy prevention, if it's a concern, safer sex practices, etc., been discussed? If pregnancy is possible, what is the plan in case of an accidental pregnancy?

Fourth-- if your wife does choose to pursue this couple, are you all comfortable with you also trying to meet someone(s) to date? If yes, see all the discussion points above. If no, that's a breeding ground for resentment. Honestly, even if yes, think about how you'll all feel if wife falls happily in love with two other people, and you never meet anyone. If you aren't prepared to deal with that, then don't open the door to it.

Fifth-- it's on the table. You're all thinking about it. Is there a going back to the original plan or is there only an "I'm not comfortable with THIS situation, but we can figure our shit out and move towards poly in a different situation," or...?

Hubby and I opened up from monogamy, to swinging as a couple, to completely sexually open/"playing separately," to polyamory. A swinging partner that I fell for was the reason we became aware of polyamory and pursued it. That relationship was NOT healthy. We had not done sufficient emotional labor and were not prepared for many of the issues I outlined above. It sucked. I don't recommend it.

Great reply! Thanks so much!!!