I feel like my partner left me for two strangers

[Trashbucket]

So basically, after being ignored for almost a whole month, I was informed by my boyfriend that my partner had been spending all that time at the house of two people we had met only a month ago, and that apparently they were hanging around them without us.

My boyfriend has talked and hung out with them occasionally. I haven’t even seen both of them in person, let alone had a real conversation with them. So imagine my surprise and hurt when I find out my partner has been sleeping in the same bed as these two strangers and cuddling with them, and during one of the cuddle sessions, apparently one of the guys got hard and it was pressing against my partner’s back.

None of the people in the situation decided that it was totally inappropriate, which made me sick to my stomach and furious. When I confronted Partner, they said that they asked me to open for this exact reason. They said that the cuddling incident wasn’t their fault. Technically, the inappropriate part wasn’t, but it was still wrong of them to act like it was casual and okay and that me and my boyfriend would not be upset. We’ve made it clear that we would be in the past.

And it turns out, all of these events happening without my knowledge were before they visited me on Christmas and asked how comfortable I was with them being open. Note that there was absolutely no mention of them being interested in anyone, especially the two guys. I was of the belief that they just needed reassurance

We had agreed in the past that anyone new would have to be someone who all three of us knew very well, and trusted very well, even if not all of us would date them.

Partner said to be open and honest about how I felt (even though I reiterated the point about adding ppl we don’t all know). So I straight up said that I didn’t want to allow them a relationship with the two guys and that it made me uncomfortable, because I didn’t fucking know them. And they went silent.

Then a few minutes later they said they wanted to try and find a compromise. And we didn’t. They didn’t even try.

And then, when they got out of the car, being dropped back off at the guys' house, because they had plans to go to a nice steakhouse together, they said that they wanted to take a step back and think about what they wanted and to just be friends with me and my boyfriend until they figure it out.

I can’t help but feel that they were just soft-breaking-up with us so they could do whatever they wanted with the two guys, regardless of me and my boyfriend’s discomfort.

Sorry if this was an incoherent ramble. I’m spiraling a bit because I was promised forever from them, and they threw that all away because I didn’t want to share my forever with two strangers.

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like you're in a triad with "Partner" and "Boyfriend." How long have you and Boyfriend been in a triad with Partner?

So, Partner at first had agreed that they wouldn't date anyone else unless they had your and Boyfriend's approval. You feel the two new people are "strangers" because yo haven't met them. Obviously they aren't strangers to Partner, at least anymore.

So, despite no sex having happened, they've all been sharing a bed for sleeping, and Partner told you that one of the guys got an erection that they felt on their back.

You're mad because Partner didn't make sure to introduce the two new people to you and Boyfriend and get your "approval." Now Partner wants to renegotiate those terms. Maybe Partner prefers to make their own choices about whom to date. So Partner has stepped back from their relationship with you and Boyfriend, preferring new couple over you two.

Is that correct?

Partner wants more autonomy, and you and Boyfriend don't want to grant it. So, you're incompatible.

 

[Trashbucket]

It sounds like you're in a triad with "Partner" and "Boyfriend." How long have you and Boyfriend been in a triad with Partner?

So, Partner at first had agreed that they wouldn't date anyone else unless they had your and Boyfriend's approval. You feel the two new people are "strangers" because you and Boyfriend haven't met them. Obviously they aren't strangers to Partner, at least anymore.

So, despite no sex having happened, they've all been sharing a bed for sleeping, and Partner told you that the guy got an erection that they felt on their back.

You're mad because Partner didn't make sure to introduce the two new people to you and Boyfriend and get your "approval." Now Partner wants to renegotiate those terms. Maybe Partner prefers to make their own choices about whom to date. So Partner has stepped back from their relationship with you and Boyfriend, preferring new couple over you two.

Is that correct?

Partner wants more autonomy, and you and Boyfriend don't want to grant it. So, you're incompatible.

We’ve been dating since 2022.

My partner did not make any effort to actually renegotiate the terms. As far as I had known, we all agreed that we would discuss and agree on new additions, and that it would be very hurtful to just decide to be intimate/romantic with other people without everyone consenting. My partner just vaguely referred to compromise instead of acknowledging my and our boyfriend’s discomfort and hurt at their actions with the new guys.

I believe they prefer the new people because they’re letting those people break boundaries they’ve set with me and Boyfriend based on past relationships. For instance, they said very clearly to us that they don’t want to be touched or hugged while they are upset, which we respected.
But apparently the new people get a magical pass to comfort them by cuddling and they directly said that the new guys could comfort them better than our boyfriend.

Not to repeat myself, but we only started talking to the new people about a month ago, and I’ve known my partner and boyfriend for nearly eight years.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Trashbucket,

I am very sorry about the inconsiderate, reckless way your partner has been acting. I am assuming you do not want to break up with your partner, although I have to say it sounds like they are breaking up with you, demoting you to just a friend for the time being. And they ignored you for almost a whole month. That by itself speaks volumes. As does their sudden relationship with these two strangers. I don't know what you can say to change their mind about any of this, you could pretend and say, "This is okay with me," but that would only encourage them to go all the further in the direction they are going. I don't think you need to consider a breakup -- I think you need to plan on one, it is going to happen. Now mind you, I hope I'm wrong when I say that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Trashbucket]

Hello Trashbucket,

I am very sorry about the inconsiderate, reckless way your partner has been acting. I am assuming you do not want to break up with your partner, although I have to say it sounds like they are breaking up with you, demoting you to just a friend for the time being. And they ignored you for almost a whole month. That by itself speaks volumes. As does their sudden relationship with these two strangers. I don't know what you can say to change their mind about any of this, you could pretend and say, "This is okay with me," but that would only encourage them to go all the further in the direction they are going. I don't think you need to consider a breakup -- I think you need to plan on one, it is going to happen. Now mind you, I hope I'm wrong when I say that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

I’ve been asking family for advice, as well.

As much as part of doesn’t want to completely break it off, if my attempts to try and meet some kind of agreement don’t work out, or they just flat out continue ignore us, I’ll probably just drop them entirely.

They seem to be very set in disregarding how their actions have affected me and our boyfriend. This entire situation has been very stressful and anxiety-inducing. It’s been affecting my physical health, as well.

Once again, thank you for your support and such.

I might come back and update whatever conclusion we finally come to.

 

[Magdlyn]

We’ve been dating since 2022.

So, a year or maybe a bit more...

My partner did not make any effort to actually renegotiate the terms. As far as I had known, we all agreed that we would discuss and agree on new additions, and that it would be very hurtful to just decide to be intimate/romantic with other people without everyone consenting. My partner just vaguely referred to compromise instead of acknowledging my and our boyfriend’s discomfort and hurt at their actions with the new guys.

I believe they prefer the new people because they’re letting those people break boundaries they’ve set with me and Boyfriend, based on past relationships. For instance, they said very clearly to us that they don’t want to be touched or hugged while they are upset, which we respected. But apparently the new people get a magical pass to comfort them by cuddling and they directly said that the new guys could comfort them better than our Boyfriend.

Partners/hinges shouldn't share too much about their intimate behaviors with other partners, whether it's sex or just cuddles. This just leads to envy and jealousy. It does sound like Partner is seriously rethinking their current relationship (with Boyfriend, especially) and is ready to move on with this new couple, no matter what. I am so sorry this has been so painful.

Not to repeat myself, but we only started talking to the new people about a month ago.

Boyfriend has met them irl and you've maybe chatted in text with these guys a time or two?

I guess if Partner hadn't started sharing sleep with New Guys, and you all got to know them at the same rate, you'd feel less like Partner was dating strangers. But Partner is just moving ahead with dating them.

I’ve known my partner and boyfriend for nearly eight years.

That's a long time. You were friends for eight years and partners with them for a year or two, but somehow got off of the same page about adding new partners. I hope this can be worked out!

 

[Trashbucket]

So my partner (I’ll keep calling them that for convenience, though we aren’t currently dating as of right now) has apologized and admitted that it was messed up what they did and that they don’t expect immediate forgiveness. I can’t say I’ll be able to forgive them for a while, but it does feel a bit better to have that apology.

I’m planning on staying at least friends with them, but probably not re-establishing a romantic relationship.

Also:

Partners/hinges shouldn't share too much about their intimate behaviors with other partners, whether it's sex or just cuddles.

I think I should have clarified that my partner, my boyfriend and I were all equally dating each other. I’m not quite familiar with all the terms, but no one out of the three of us wasn’t dating the other.

Like I said, the three of had explicitly agreed that adding another person or people would be talked about clearly and agreed upon, and that we were not in an open relationship.

My partner did not discuss with us before cuddling and sharing a bed with the two strangers, which would cause envy and jealousy because it felt wrong that they’d do something so intimate. (Although nothing sexual happened, except for the one incident mentioned above, it felt like a not okay thing to do without even bringing it up.) It was clearly breaking the boundaries the three of us had agreed on.

I will say that I was likely just projecting my insecurities and fears when I said that they’re probably just wanting to run off with the new guys, because I felt hurt and panicky about the whole situation. I'm sorry if that like misled anyone. I can sometimes tend to let my emotions get ahead of me and assume the worst.

Now I’ll just have to see if they’ll keep to their word, and if they do improve and make up for what happened. I’ll also be working to improve myself and how I had been treating them, and just hope we can work stuff out.

 

[Tinwen]

Huh. What strikes me is the lack of communication, where they haven’t told you for a month they had new close friends (or more). When I read this, I thought: are they even in a relationship? Maybe they are long distance? What is that lie of omission about?

Do you usually speak so little about your daily lives?

I’m sorry this happened to you. But, it does seem you are not very compatible. Maybe this is for the better.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Trashbucket,

It sounds like things have improved a little, at least your partner apologized. Now you just have to see if they'll keep their word, such as distancing themselves from these two strangers, and making up for what happened. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened.

This entire situation has been very stressful and anxiety-inducing. It’s been affecting my physical health, as well.

I'm also sorry it's affecting you like this. It sounds hard.

So my partner (I’ll keep calling them that for convenience, though we aren’t currently dating as of right now) has apologized and admitted that what they did was messed up, and that they don’t expect immediate forgiveness. I can’t say I’ll be able to forgive them for a while, but it does feel a bit better to have that apology.

I’m planning on staying at least friends with them, but probably not re-establishing a romantic relationship.

That's probably for the best. You can end it and stop being a closed triad with (you, Partner, and BF.) And change instead to a poly V where (BF dates you) and (BF dates Partner.) But (you and Partner) have broken up.

It's up to BF if they want to keep going with Partner or not. It's up to him how feels about the cheating. You stay out of that dyad. Focus on your own wellbeing.

Like I said, the three of us had explicitly agreed that adding another person or people would be talked about clearly and agreed upon, and that we were not in an open relationship.

It sounds like you all were in an exclusive, closed triad. Before seeking to date new people, each of you had agreed to bring up changing to an Open Triad first.

None of the people in the situation decided that it was totally inappropriate, which made me sick to my stomach and furious. When I confronted Partner, they said that they asked me to open for this exact reason. They said that the cuddling incident wasn’t their fault. Technically, the inappropriate part wasn’t, but it was still wrong of them to act like it was casual and okay and that my boyfriend and I would not be upset. We’ve made it clear that we would be in the past.

And it turns out, all of these events happening without my knowledge were before they visited me on Christmas and asked how comfortable I was with them being open. Note that there was absolutely no mention of them being interested in anyone, especially the two guys. I was of the belief that they just needed reassurance.

And then Partner cheated on agreements. They did not bring it up first, and started dating these other people, sharing a bed/cuddles etc. It kinda sounds like Partner lied to them too, and said that it was all okay because they were in an open triad, when really they were in a closed triad.

Then Partner wanted to talk about changing things to an open triad, after having cheated on agreements at the Christmas visit.

I'm not sure why it was necessary to tell you about one of them having an erection. That was TMI.

Partner has since apologized for the poor behavior. You can choose to forgive, or you might not. You might choose to give them an opportunity to make amends. But you might not be interested in that.

Even if you do choose to forgive, even if you choose to give them an opportunity to make amends and return to "neutral," you still don't have to agree to a "reboot" and keep dating them, or keep being friends. There's nothing wrong with being just "plain exes," if you prefer to be done.

You get to decide what you will and will not put up with. You get to decide what you will and will not participate in.

Take your time thinking things out. Sometimes "working it out" means letting go.

You mentioned feeling anxious, scared, and panicked. But sit with that discomfort, even if it's kind of ugh. Don't make rapid decisions to "just get over with it" or to make it "all go away." Think about your long-term wellbeing. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl