Hello from a new poly :)

S

Swin9

New member
Hey everyone,

So, I stumbled upon this forum while I was browsing articles about polyamory, and I thought, why not join? I'd like to chat with folks who are living this lifestyle and might have some wisdom to share.

I'm 31 and bi. Since I was a kid, I've always believed in the idea of "being able to love more than one person at a time." When I found out about polyamory as an adult, I was like, "That's me!" But, all my partners have been firmly in the monogamy camp, so I haven't had a chance to really give this poly thing a shot.

Anyway, fast forward to present day-- I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. He knew I was bi and identified as poly from day one. Finally, a few months back, I told him I would like to open up our relationship because I was feeling this need to try it out growing stronger within me. After some thinking, he said yes, realizing that it could also be something he's interested in, which was awesome.

I started off having a bit of a crush on someone online, but nothing came of it. Then, while I was away for work, I met another guy, and we had a fling for about a week. Given the distance, it couldn't really go any further.

But here's the kicker: my boyfriend, who's always been strongly monogamous (and also saying he wasn't made to do long relationship before me), suddenly went full throttle into dating multiple girls, making plans, and even organizing weekends away with them, all within days of meeting them! Totally caught me off guard, and now I'm struggling to deal with it...

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now. Looking forward to some good chats here. Thanks and nice to meet you all! :)
 
Swin9 said:
I started off having a bit of a crush on someone online, but nothing came of it. Then, while I was away for work, I met another guy, and we had a fling for about a week. Given the distance, it couldn't really go any further.
But here's the kicker: my boyfriend, who's always been strongly monogamous (and also saying he wasn't made to do long relationship before me), suddenly went full throttle into dating multiple girls, making plans, and even organizing weekends away with them, all within days of meeting them! Totally caught me off guard, and now I'm struggling to deal with it...
Click to expand...
Hello and welcome here. Have you told your boyfriend how you feel? And if so, what did he say?

It’s perfectly ok to ask if he could dial it back a bit while you two spend some time establishing a framework that works for you. I find things usually backfire when there hasn’t been enough communication. It’s difficult to know in advance how we will feel about different scenarios, but the skill in poly is being able to own and discuss our feelings, to reach a mutual understanding. To explore how we can cherish each other and tend to our relationship as it flexes and grows.
 
Hi, @MoPoly and thanks a lot for your reply!

Yes, I told him how I felt, or at least I tried. We have had both arguments and conversations about it and in general about this new thing. Overall I'm satisfied with how it's going. He says we're very good at the moment, more than some time in the past, and it's probably true.

I only need to manage my feelings, because even if I asked for it, our relationship is changing very fast!

Also, the main problem is a tricky situation I asked advice for in the "Poly Relationship Corner."

Thank you very much for your words. You are very kind!
 
Greetings Swin9,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I have looked at your other thread, and responded there briefly. To summarize, your boyfriend is conducting a relationship to which you do not consent. And he knows you don't consent. That's cheating. You'll have to figure out how much of that you can tolerate, and yes, breaking up is something you might need to consider. For your own self-respect.

He's certainly enthused about open/poly, all of a sudden, after being strictly monogamous all his life until now. Maybe he just needs to work the novelty out of his system. Maybe he'll calm down after a while. We can only hope, right?

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
So he's currently doing the 'kid in a candy store' thing and it's left you reeling. As you said, it's, "totally caught me off guard, and now I'm struggling to deal with it..." You haven't said he's actually doing anything bad or wrong - at least here - so perhaps you're just looking at your shared calendar and thinking, "wow, that's filled up a lot." I hope you two have also marked out your date days/nights/weekends so you don't miss out on plans together.

So other than that little bit of organising and scheduling rather than taking it for granted that all down time is your dyad time, let's look at some ways to deal with it that don't actually involve him, because even if he did slow his roll, you'd have to do the inner work sometime so might as well dive straight in.

You've long held an identity of being polyamorous for yourself yet dated monogamous people, likely just by happenstance since it's not always easy to deliberately find poly partners. So you never actually had to learn how you'd feel with a poly partner or in an open relationship. Maybe there is a core belief being tweaked here. So, I'm going to borrow a couple of questions from another corner of the internet that you might like to ask yourself with deliberate intention to not stonewall yourself anywhere.

Take the surface thought...perhaps, "our relationship is changing too fast." Or from your other thread, "I'm worried about losing him."
Now, ask yourself: If this is 100% true, why is that so bad? And, what does that mean to me or about me?
Dig deep, don't cop out on something only half true. Keep cycling these questions until you find the bit that you really believe, not that you've picked up as a band-aid for your core beliefs along the way. Once you have identified the core belief that's causing the surface thought, look at the ways that you might be able to heal it if it's a negative one, or harness it if it's a positive one. Spoiler alert...be prepared to find some pretty negative core beliefs, but know that it's very possible to rewrite them and build a more positive set.

Edited to Add: sounds like bf has dug into some of his core beliefs around monogamy and rewritten them so he can embrace polyamory, evidencing the obvious...people change.
 
Thanks to you all for your answers!
Yeah, I supposed you're right, my bf is kinda doing the "kid in the candy store" thing. I mean, it's not bad that our relationship is changing per se, it's just that I was not prepared so I think I probably need a little bit of time to adjust, and of course, talk to him again...
Thanks to you all, you gave me a lot to think about, and your words are very helpful!
 
Glad we could help.
 
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