I’m in the middle of MY first venture into poly

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Hi all!

Most of you have read my story on previous threads, and thank you all for your support and feedback. I’m in the middle of my two week stint into dating others, and struggling, as I knew I would.

BF broke it off with the woman he was seeing during his two weeks because of “red flags." We have been spending a lot of time together and he has been very attentive and loving. I went on a few dates this week-- twice with same person, and once with another. It was just ok. Not because of the company, but rather, I just can’t rationalize being with someone else when my BF and I have such a connection. Not saying it’s wrong in general, so please don’t misconstrue, it just doesn’t make sense for me. But I said I would try, so here I am.

Bf has expressed “slight” jealousy over me seeing others, to which I have no response. He also seems to be more demanding of my time during this period: asking to see me and texting me constantly. It’s rather confusing, considering he is the one seeking a poly relationship, and this is what we agreed to.

As for me, I’m realizing this isn’t for me. I’ve expressed this to him, and his view is that we probably won’t continue if that’s the case. I’m starting to accept this. We are both sad, but neither want to compromise what we want and how we feel. He keeps saying maybe I'll change my mind, or maybe we just need time, or maybe he can find a way to not partake in the lifestyle . We’ve had 3 years already, so no, I don’t agree. I’m finally setting boundaries and ready to deal with the consequences.

Both feeling heartbroken, but I just can’t pretend I’m doing well with this arrangement.

Anyway, just an update. Thank you!

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, it sounds like your bf is interested in polyamory, but is feeling growing pains. He might have a bit of anxious attachment style, needing reassurance from you while you start to date. That's actually quite common and normal. Lots of us agree to practicing poly, and really want it, but also enjoy/want/need reassurance that we still matter to our poly partner(s), or vice versa.

I'm not sure you should both just close the door on poly after you and he have just tried to date one or two people and not felt sparks. Of course, not every person you meet is going to make your heart sing and your nethers tingle. It can take many dates with many people before you find the right chemistry with someone.

So, I wouldn't say the reasons you both are not feeling as excited about poly is valid. If you are he and OPEN to falling for another person some day, you can be technically poly, but just not practicing. You don't need to be on dating sites, or going on dates with random people "just to try it." You, or he, or both, could just go about your daily lives, but be open to the idea of someone sliding into your life at some point, more by accident, who gets your motor running. Ya know?

 

[LoveBunny]

I was in a similar spot to you end of my last ltr. I was trying to enjoy being in a poly r'ship, but just wasn't. I took on a second sexual partner only because my partner had a girlfriend, and instead of making me appreciate my partner more, it made me feel even more alienated.

Apparently, the level of detached I need to reach in order to want to be with someone besides my person, if I reach it, it doesn't bode well for the original r'ship. Because I'm STILL only interested in pursuing one relationship. If the other person seems like they might be able to offer something closer to monogamy, great, monkey-branch!

This wasn't the case for me, my occasional partner was married, so I couldn't see much point in staying with him after my primary r'ship ended. I had never attached to him anyway.

I applaud you're giving this a shot, but if you'd rather be dating towards a monogamous relationship, get yourself into position to do that.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Well, it sounds like your bf is interested in polyamory, but is feeling growing pains. He might have a bit of anxious attachment style, needing reassurance from you while you start to date. That's actually quite common and normal. Lots of us agree to practicing poly, and really want it, but also enjoy/want/need reassurance that we still matter to our poly partner(s), or vice versa.

I'm not sure you should both just close the door on poly after you and he have just tried to date one or two people and not felt sparks. Of course, not every person you meet is going to make your heart sing and your nethers tingle. It can take many dates with many people before you find the right chemistry with someone.

So, I wouldn't say the reasons you both are not feeling as excited about poly is valid. If you are he and OPEN to falling for another person some day, you can be technically poly, but just not practicing. You don't need to be on dating sites, or going on dates with random people "just to try it." You, or he, or both, could just go about your daily lives, but be open to the idea of someone sliding into your life at some point, more by accident, who gets your motor running. Ya know?

Exactly what I had discussed with BF: Why are we actively pursuing others? Why can’t it happen naturally? If we meet someone we want to pursue, then go for it. Why make a determined effort to date? He agreed. But in practice, who knows?

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

I was in a similar spot to you end of my last ltr. I was trying to enjoy being in a poly r'ship, but just wasn't. I took on a second sexual partner only because my partner had a girlfriend, and instead of making me appreciate my partner more, it made me feel even more alienated.

Apparently, the level of detached I need to reach in order to want to be with someone besides my person, if I reach it, it doesn't bode well for the original r'ship. Because I'm STILL only interested in pursuing one relationship. If the other person seems like they might be able to offer something closer to monogamy, great, monkey-branch!

This wasn't the case for me, my occasional partner was married, so I couldn't see much point in staying with him after my primary r'ship ended. I had never attached to him anyway.

I applaud you're giving this a shot, but if you'd rather be dating towards a monogamous relationship, get yourself into position to do that.

Yes! I have discussed with BF that I feel more detached and distant from him since we started this. He doesn’t like that. He has actually said, “I miss you. I miss us," because he feels the difference in me. Well, this was me, trying this at your suggestion for “us.”

And yes, I’m on a path to realizing I’d rather be monogamous or alone, than in this situation. I thought I would give it at least 2-3 months, but I don’t see my distant feelings towards him changing for the better, nor me enjoying dating when I’m connected to him.

Thank you for your response!

 

[LoveBunny]

Exactly what I had discussed with BF: Why are we actively pursuing others? Why can’t it happen naturally? If we meet someone we want to pursue, then go for it. Why make a determined effort to date? He agreed. But in practice, who knows?

I don't think it makes a difference. Down the road, he meets someone "in the wild" he wants to get serious with, you're still going to feel the same. Only now, you might be even more intertwined.

I was crushed when, after a year of no one but us, my ex reconnected with his ex-secondary. Turns out he'd hoped I'd be ok with poly after a year of just being with me, while I hoped he'd settle into monogamy after a year of lots of great sex with me.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

I don't think it makes a difference. Down the road, he meets someone "in the wild" he wants to get serious with, you're still going to feel the same. Only now, you might be even more intertwined.

I was crushed when, after a year of no one but us, my ex reconnected with his ex-secondary. Turns out he'd hoped I'd be ok with poly after a year of just being with me, while I hoped he'd settle into monogamy after a year of lots of great sex with me.

Agreed. And sorry you were crushed. I get it.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh, okay. I was getting the impression you didn't like the random dating site dates, for yourself or him, but were willing to agree to him being open to date if an actual great person happened to come into his life organically. Now it seems like you're saying you're against polyamory completely.

I had thought that on your other thread but then you tried dating for two weeks and gave up. So, that's it, then? Definitely against poly for yourself, and don't want him to ever do it either?

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Oh, okay. I was getting the impression you didn't like the random dating site dates, for yourself or him, but were willing to agree to him being open to date if an actual great person happened to come into his life organically. Now it seems like you're saying you're against polyamory completely.

I had thought that on your other thread but then you tried dating for two weeks and gave up. So, that's it, then? Definitely against poly for yourself, and don't want him to ever do it either?

I am trying poly. Realizing not for me. And yes, even though really not for me, it makes more sense to me for it to happen naturally than to pursue for the sake of dating. He will do what he wants of course, which is poly. As for me? I won’t continue in our relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Crinkle Cut,

Sorry to hear that your first venture into poly was meh, and distanced you from your boyfriend. I'm sorry that didn't work out. I kind of gather that he is willing to stop doing the poly? Correct me if I misread that part.

Poly is definitely not for everyone. You are saturated at one partner, there is nothing wrong with that. Of course if he is saturated at two (more?) partners, there's nothing wrong with that either. But I don't know, are you and he incompatible?

I hope you can work this out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Hi Crinkle Cut,

Sorry to hear that your first venture into poly was meh, and distanced you from your boyfriend. I'm sorry that didn't work out. I kind of gather that he is willing to stop doing the poly? Correct me if I misread that part.

Poly is definitely not for everyone. You are saturated at one partner, there is nothing wrong with that. Of course if he is saturated at two (more?) partners, there's nothing wrong with that either. But I don't know, are you and he incompatible?

I hope you can work this out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hi. Thank you for your response. No, he isn’t willing to give up poly. I am not convincing him to. But it’s not for me. We are at a stalemate and it doesn’t look good for us.

 

[kdt26417]

Ugh, it sounds like there is a breakup in your future. I'm sorry to have to say that. It may be for the best though, it sounds like the two of you are not compatible. You want opposing things, one of you wants poly and one of you wants mono for both of you. You can't reconcile those differences.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Ugh, it sounds like there is a breakup in your future. I'm sorry to have to say that. It may be for the best though, it sounds like the two of you are not compatible. You want opposing things, one of you wants poly and one of you wants mono for both of you. You can't reconcile those differences.

Agreed. We’ve talked about it a lot lately, and just yesterday I told him that I’ve made a decision. We are both heartbroken, because we are very much in love with one another, and love one another’s company immensely. He asked to give him more time… For what, I’m not exactly sure, other than him saying “to figure things out.” I don’t want him to sacrifice anything for me, and I certainly do not want to be in a relationship that I can’t understand and cannot practice one major aspect of it.

 

[kdt26417]

Alas, sometimes love isn't enough. You can still love each other from afar, without partnering with each other. Yes it hurts, but what's his suggestion? to stay together in the hopes of the mono/poly division going away? I don't think he knows how it can go away, but he has this fanciful idea that time will make it go away as if by magic. I don't think that will work. I am sorry the two of you have to break up, but in the end I think it's for the best.

 

[GalaGirl]

It sounds like you broke up with him. If so, I'm sorry to hear about the break-up, because all break-ups come with some sadness. But I think it is the right thing to do. I'm with you -- dragging it out makes no sense. Love isn't enough. There have to be many other things to make a relationship sustainable.

He asked to give him more time… For what, I’m not exactly sure, other than him saying “to figure things out.”

I get he might be in the stages of grief and want your company in that, but I don't think exes should do that. It delays healing and then... are you really broken up if you're still hanging around like that? I think exes need time apart to do their break-up healing on their own. They can lean on family, other friends, or seek a counselor. Then, after a period of no contact, if the exes want to change again to "exes and friends," they can choose to do that.

I don’t want him to sacrifice anything for me, and I certainly do not want to be in a relationship that I can’t understand and cannot practice one major aspect of it.

Good for you! Be firm in your personal boundaries.

I encourage you to take care of yourself in your own healing.

Galagirl