Nesting

AngelQBlack

AngelQBlack

New member
I am 40 years old with a two-year old. I have been exploring polyamory for about five years. Now that I have a small child involved, a like-minded community is really important to me.

I am lucky enough to have a beautiful amazing nesting partner that has helped me more than I could ever imagine any one person being willing to help me. I couldn't be a working mother without him. My daughter isn't even his biological child and he is my greatest support.

I love him. I love him with everything I have to give.

I don't ask for much in the relationship, but I do have a weakness that I have asked him to be aware of. I have not been in a successful polyamorous relationship before, so everything I'm feeling in this relationship is new and I'm having to do a lot of unpacking. My one ask right now is no overnights. I'm just not ready for it. He has another partner that he been with since before I arrived into the picture. He spends two nights a week with her and I have accepted that.

But last Saturday, he went to a friend's party and didn't come home until the next day around 11 am. It was such an emotional assault to me. I knew it wasn't on purpose. He passed out and ended up sleeping it off at his friend's. But I didn't feel like I had enough time to process that, and he was already leaving to spend the night with his other partner. When he came back he brought his other partner with him and there still wasn't any space to unpack.

The next day, Tuesday, he messaged me that he was going to visit a potential new partner after I got off work. Tt was too much for me. I was upset. But he left anyway, and came back that night. Then on Thursday he wanted to spend the night with the same new potential partner. By this time I just felt emotionally exhausted. I felt like I hadn't had any time to catch my breath. He left again, despite me feeling uncomfortable with it, and by the time he came back the next morning, I no longer felt safe with him and didn't even barely want to touch him.

We have since talked through it all, and he spent Friday night with me, but I am still looking at him differently now. We have this beautiful connection and wonderful love for one another, but things don't feel the like that right now. I still feel hurt.
 
Hello AngelQBlack,

I am in favor of polyamory in general, however the situation between you and your nesting partner does not seem very healthy to me. He is willing to spend time with his other partner, without caring much whether you consent or not. Maybe he's not doing it on purpose but it is still unfair to you. My vote is to break up with him, I know that is probably not what you want to hear, you and he have so much in common with each other, it is just this one little thing that is driving you apart. But I do not want you to feel hurt. Sometimes you have to love each other from afar, you can't always be nesting partners.

Regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello AngelQBlack,

I am in favor of polyamory in general, however the situation between you and your nesting partner does not seem very healthy to me. He is willing to spend time with his other partner, without caring much whether you consent or not. Maybe he's not doing it on purpose but it is still unfair to you. My vote is to break up with him, I know that is probably not what you want to hear, you and he have so much in common with each other, it is just this one little thing that is driving you apart. But I do not want you to feel hurt. Sometimes you have to love each other from afar, you can't always be nesting partners.

Regards and sympathy,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
I really don't sense this is a break-up worthy offense. His one mistake is that he got drunk and passed out at a party and didn't let her know. Otherwise he was just keeping up with his usual schedule with his two partners.
 
But last Saturday, he went to a friend's party and didn't come home until the next day around 11 am. It was such an emotional assault to me.
Click to expand...
Did he or someone there let you know he was crashing there, or did you spend all night expecting him to be home any second?

I hope you both build "potential for whole nights out with mates" into your lives going forward, because even in monogamy this is an important part of life.

Unless you're perceiving this as "the beginning of the end" and believe he's actually intentionally drawing away from you. In which case, it's him you really need to talk to, not the internet.
 
Evie said:
Did he or someone there let you know he was crashing there, or did you spend all night expecting him to be home any second?

I hope you both build "potential for whole nights out with mates" into your lives going forward, because even in monogamy this is an important part of life.

Unless you're perceiving this as "the beginning of the end" and believe he's actually intentionally drawing away from you. In which case, it's him you really need to talk to, not the internet.
Click to expand...
I spent the whole night expecting him to come home any minute. He had assured me prior to leaving that he was not planning on staying the night. He even messaged me at one point that he would be on his way home soon.
 
Evie said:
Did he or someone there let you know he was crashing there, or did you spend all night expecting him to be home any second?

I hope you both build "potential for whole nights out with mates" into your lives going forward, because even in monogamy this is an important part of life.

Unless you're perceiving this as "the beginning of the end" and believe he's actually intentionally drawing away from you. In which case, it's him you really need to talk to, not the internet.
Click to expand...
He and I have talked a lot about it and I'm still struggling. That's why I brought it to people that I hope may have some experience with a situation like this. Most people I know have no understanding of polyamory and I don't have anyone to bounce this off of. I don't feel like this is the "beginning of the end". I want to feel better about it all and continue to grow with him
 
Magdlyn said:
I really don't sense this is a break-up worthy offense. His one mistake is that he got drunk and passed out at a party and didn't let her know. Otherwise he was just keeping up with his usual schedule with his two partners.
Click to expand...
I don't think it's break up worthy either. But one of the other partners is new and there is no schedule yet. He literally just started seeing her this week and after Saturday it just felt too soon for me to handle emotionally
 
AngelQBlack said:
I spent the whole night expecting him to come home any minute. He had assured me prior to leaving that he was not planning on staying the night. He even messaged me at one point that he would be on his way home soon.
Click to expand...
Ooof, that's rough. It's a dick move on his part, and I see why you're mad. But SEASONED is also right, it's not a polyamory issue, other than that he has someone new he wants to be spending time with on top of dropping the ball at the party.

Are his manners usually top notch? How have you guys navigated him meeting a new person before? Are you worried she was at the party?
 
Evie said:
Ooof, that's rough. It's a dick move on his part, and I see why you're mad. But SEASONED is also right, it's not a polyamory issue, other than that he has someone new he wants to be spending time with on top of dropping the ball at the party.

Are his manners usually top notch? How have you guys navigated him meeting a new person before? Are you worried she was at the party?
Click to expand...
I suppose it's important information that it was a sex party that he was at. I was trying to avoid getting into that detail but I guess it adds to complexities of the situation. Also, he met the new person at another sex party that we were both at together and I didn't know that he had gotten her number. They have been chatting over the last few weeks and I didn't realize that they were getting close enough for him to want to start spending more time with her.

This is the first time since we've been together that he is wanting to put more effort into another person, besides hus already established partners. So it's new territory for me.

He and I also met at a sex party, but it took us a few months to start diving in deeper. It feels really fast with this new person.
 
So, I think what happened was, he spent a night at a (sex) party because he got drunk and passed out. He'd told you he was not going to spend the night there, and even messaged from the party to say he'd get home soon, but then he didn't come home. I can see why you'd be worried.

Then he didn't show enough apologetic behavior for the getting drunk/passing out thing, because he was off the next night to stay with his OSO. And he brought her back to your shared home the next morning for a while.

That night (I think) he had an evening date with a new person. And the following day, he spent the night at her place, despite your ask that he not do overnights with anyone besides you and his established OSO.

Do I have that right?

How long have you been with this guy?
How long did you date before moving in together?
How long have you now been living together?
Is he living at your place, or did you and your daughter move into his place, or did you two get a new place together?

I am going to wait for your answers to those questions before giving more feedback. What I am wondering is, if he and you were swept up in NRE, and moved in together too soon, before really getting to know each other.

Basically, the week went like, Guy goes to sex party, gets drunk, passes out. Next day spends night at OSO's. Next day goes on evening date with new person. Next night sleeps at new person's house.

So it sounds like he spent four days in a row out partying, dating, having sex and sleeping with others. Do you feel neglected and/or taken for granted?

One other question: does he have an alcohol problem? Maybe it's just me, but I'd avoid getting drunk at sex parties, because if you're having sex with multiple people, or even one person whose sex health status you don't know, you've got to be scrupulous about using condoms, and being drunk doesn't bode well for that kind of care.
 
Magdlyn said:
So, I think what happened was, he spent a night at a (sex) party because he got drunk and passed out. He'd told you he was not going to spend the night there, and even messaged from the party to say he'd get home soon, but then he didn't come home. I can see why you'd be worried.

Then he didn't show enough apologetic behavior for the getting drunk/passing out thing, because he was off the next night to stay with his OSO. And he brought her back to your shared home the next morning for a while.

That night (I think) he had an evening date with a new person. And the following day, he spent the night at her place, despite your ask that he not do overnights with anyone besides you and his established OSO.

Do I have that right?

How long have you been with this guy?
How long did you date before moving in together?
How long have you now been living together?
Is he living at your place, or did you and your daughter move into his place, or did you two get a new place together?

I am going to wait for your answers to those questions before giving more feedback. What I am wondering is, if he and you were swept up in NRE, and moved in together too soon, before really getting to know each other.

Basically, the week went like, Guy goes to sex party, gets drunk, passes out. Next day spends night at OSO's. Next day goes on evening date with new person. Next night sleeps at new person's house.

So it sounds like he spent four days in a row out partying, dating, having sex and sleeping with others. Do you feel neglected and/or taken for granted?

One other question: does he have an alcohol problem? Maybe it's just me, but I'd avoid getting drunk at sex parties, because if you're having sex with multiple people, or even one person whose sex health status you don't know, you've got to be scrupulous about using condoms, and being drunk doesn't bode well for that kind of care.
Click to expand...
That's basically right. Wednesday he was at home, but yeah, basically it was almost a week of staying out late partying and sleeping around. And yes, I did feel taken for granted and neglected.

To answer the other questions:

How long have you been with this guy?
We've known each other for about a year, but didn't start getting serious about each other until around July or August of last year.

How long did you date before moving in together?
He moved in around the end of September, beginning of October, so only a couple of months, really.

How long have you now been living together?
About 5 months.

Is he living at your place, or did you and your daughter move into his place, or did you two get a new place together?
I invited him into my space. He had a situation at his place, and I offered to let him and his cats stay with me in exchange for childcare. But we just kept growing closer, and we were both surprised at how easy the transition was.
 
Poly doesn’t mean that all of your previous standards for consenting to a relationship go out the window.

I don’t date people who get black out drunk, or otherwise have poor boundaries that keep me up at night worrying about them. I drew that line in the sand long before poly was part of my vocabulary.
 
AngelQBlack said:
That's basically right. Wednesday he was at home, but yeah, basically it was almost a week of staying out late partying and sleeping around. And yes, I did feel taken for granted and neglected.

To answer the other questions:

How long have you been with this guy?
We've known each other for about a year, but didn't start getting serious about each other until around July or August of last year.

How long did you date before moving in together?
He moved in around the end of September, beginning of October, so only a couple of months, really.

How long have you now been living together?
About 5 months.

Is he living at your place, or did you and your daughter move into his place, or did you two get a new place together?
I invited him into my space. He had a situation at his place, and I offered to let him and his cats stay with me in exchange for childcare. But we just kept growing closer, and we were both surprised at how easy the transition was.
Click to expand...
It sounds like you were/are in a state of NRE and let him move in with you when you really didn't know him well at all. He has been living [rent-free?] with you, in exchange for child care, but now he's getting pretty busy out there partying and dating, leaving you home with the kid and without his company.

It might be time to make some different living arrangements and time to set up a firmer calendar to assure everyone's needs are met. What do you think?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top