Partner answered meta's phone call mid-intimacy

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SerenaSolo

New member
Hi There,

I'm a solo poly woman in my 30s. For about 3 months I've been dating a man in his 40s. Let's call him Phil. Phil is married to Betty, who I've come to see as a friend during our kitchen-table-style poly get-togethers.

Yesterday, during intimacy, Betty (not knowing Phil and I had arrived back to their house) called Phil on his phone asking when he was coming home, seeming annoyed that he hadn't checked in with her before going to bed with me. He answered and they proceeded to have a very awkward conversation, all while I was laying there naked and confused. I wasn't sure what I was feeling in the moment, other than not prioritized.

I waited out the five-minute conversation and then we attempted to continue our alone time, but the mood was obviously gone. I've come to realize that Betty has over the years developed a learned helplessness of reliance on Phil, and that if I continue this relationship, I am in for more of this. I told Phil that I need him to have a phone call with me later to communicate some feelings about last night, but I'm not sure how to get it all out there. I love Phil, but I cried on the way home because of how sad it made me feel.


Any advice for communicating this?
 
Albert Ross said:
Hi. I'm sorry, I can't get past this part yet: What kind of person—who doesn't have, like, a kid in the hospital—answers their phone in the middle of sex? 🤨
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This is the part I totally fritzed out on too. I have a kid, and in my head, if my coparent called, they are an adult that can deal with a kid emergency for a couple minutes until I can call them back. Phil and Betty don't have kids, but I think Phil is so attentive to Betty that he has assumed a caretaker role.
 
It's unfortunate Phil and Betty's relationship is apparently so enmeshed that he needs to play on-call emotional support to another adult, and honestly, Stranger, that does not bode well for his being a good partner for you.

I think the bottom line is, you need to make it very clear to Phil what you need from him in order to keep dating him. Namely, when you're on dates (let alone when you're intimate, FFS!!!) he is focused on you and him.

If he can't do that, it doesn't really matter if his excuse is "But my poor wife!" or "But my poor Labrador rescue puppy!"—he doesn't have a relationship to give, in my strident stranger on the internet opinion. :)
 
Albert Ross said:
It's unfortunate Phil and Betty's relationship is apparently so enmeshed that he needs to play on-call emotional support to another adult. And honestly, stranger? That does not bode well for his being a good partner for you.

I think the bottom line is, you need to make it very clear to Phil what you need from him in order to keep dating him. Namely, when you're on dates (let alone when you're intimate, FFS!!!) he is focused on you and him.

If he can't do that, it doesn't really matter if his excuse is "but my poor wife!" or "but my poor Labrador rescue puppy!"—he doesn't have a relationship to give. In my strident stranger on the internet opinion. :)
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I think this was what I started coming to realize last night. I will have to lay it all out there and make my needs crystal clear. We've communicated what we want before but this was something I never even considered when we talked everything through.
 
Out of curiosity, were you guys in their bedroom and was her annoyance at not being able to get something out of the room or use the ensuite or something?
 
Evie said:
Out of curiosity, were you guys in their bedroom and was her annoyance at not being able to get something out of the room or use the ensuite or something?
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No there's a ton of bedrooms and we were in his.
 
I missed the part where you were at his house. Was she also there, or was she calling from elsewhere? If she was there... are you sure she didn't know y'all were there?

Regardless, this is very obnoxious and I would probably not continue putting up with it, especially after only 3 months.
 
An update:

Phil got a chance to call and we hashed it out. He acknowledged that even right after he answered, he realized he messed up and he wasn't surprised when I said it made me feel like I wasnt being prioritized. He apologized a lot and when I said that going forward I would need this as a boundary, he agreed fully and said he would 1. Make sure to communicate with Betty that the phone won't be answered for the next X amount of time for dates and such, and 2. Actually not answer. We will see how it all pans out. Thank you all for the advice and for listening.
 
Albert Ross said:
I missed the part where you were at his house. Was she also there, or was she calling from elsewhere? If she was there... are you sure she didn't know y'all were there?

Regardless, this is very obnoxious and I would probably not continue putting up with it, especially after only 3 months.
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I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have known, she tends to stay in their shared bedroom after getting home. Since this is the first big hiccup we've had, I'm willing to continue dating him and see how it goes for a bit but if things keep happening like this I will reevaluate.
 
There's a setting called do not disturb. He can turn it on and off easily on the tray. He can even set it so repeated calls ring through in case of emergencies. He should turn that on when with you. That way you two won't be psychologically distracted by noise from the phone
 
Hello SerenaSolo,

In my opinion, it was totally inappropriate, inconsiderate, and revealing, that your partner answered Betty's phone call right while you were having sex with him. It says something about what his true feelings are for you. It says that Betty is his top priority, no matter what. Is this what you want in a relationship?

It sounds like you were able to talk with him and hash this out. His words, at least, are saying that he will make you the priority in the future. Now let's see if his actions line up with his words.

Respects and regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello SerenaSolo,

In my opinion, it was totally inappropriate, inconsiderate, and revealing, that your partner answered Betty's phone call right while you were having sex with him. It says something about what his true feelings are for you. It says that Betty is his top priority, no matter what. Is this what you want in a relationship?

It sounds like you were able to talk with him and hash this out. His words, at least, are saying that he will make you the priority in the future. Now let's see if his actions line up with his words.

Respects and regards,
Kevin T.
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Yes, he acknowledged that, and also said that this situation made him realize that Betty has him "trained" to answer the phone when she calls. But I told him that it was a boundary for me from now on, if it happens again, now that he knows that it is 100% not okay with me.

As an independent/solo poly person I am willing to date married people, realizing that there is a natural hierarchy that forms because of that, but I have my limits.
 
It sounds like you were firm with him, and put your foot down, which seems to me like the right thing to do. And so far, he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. I don't mean to be such a pessimist. His words certainly sound good. I just want to hold off from passing further judgment until I know what his future actions are.
 
SerenaSolo said:
Hi There,

I'm a solo poly woman in my 30s. For about 3 months I've been dating a man in his 40s. Let's call him Phil. Phil is married to Betty, who I've come to see as a friend during our kitchen-table-style poly get-togethers.

Yesterday, during intimacy, Betty (not knowing Phil and I had arrived back to their house) called Phil on his phone asking when he was coming home, seeming annoyed that he hadn't checked in with her before going to bed with me. He answered and they proceeded to have a very awkward conversation, all while I was laying there naked and confused. I wasn't sure what I was feeling in the moment, other than not prioritized.

I waited out the five-minute conversation and then we attempted to continue our alone time, but the mood was obviously gone. I've come to realize that Betty has over the years developed a learned helplessness of reliance on Phil, and that if I continue this relationship, I am in for more of this. I told Phil that I need him to have a phone call with me later to communicate some feelings about last night, but I'm not sure how to get it all out there. I love Phil, but I cried on the way home because of how sad it made me feel.


Any advice for communicating this?
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Good luck with dating this married man. I assume he's new to poly?

Btw, you can say "having sex," or even use coarser words. We are adults here. If you prefer to use delicate euphemisms, you can, but it's not at all necessary. ;)
 
Magdlyn said:
Good luck with dating this married man. I assume he's new to poly?

Btw, you can say "having sex," or even use coarser words. We are adults here. If you prefer to use delicate euphemisms, you can, but it's not at all necessary. ;)
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Nope, they've been poly since they got married 20 years ago 🙃 I'm relatively new to poly, going on about a year and a half now, though. And also thanks for the heads up! Wasn't sure if it was allowed or not!
 
Yes indeed, 20 years of great experience or 20 years of poor experience? I wouldn’t dream of answering my phone during sex or even having it switched on. Being clear and firm was the best thing. Hope it pans out well for you.

My suspicion would be around the core issue of the 20 years of “training” by Betty to answer the phone when she calls. What else has she “trained” him to prioritise and do for her and her security? It is usually not just one thing in this type of relationship dynamic unfortunately. And why has he allowed himself to be “trained”? If Betty thinks you are “retraining” him is this going to become a battle of her influence over yours? I hope not.

Keep alert, your eyes open, and communicate your needs as soon as anything dodgy comes up. X
 
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