Insane jealousy is ruining my relationship

C

Ciniclibido

New member
Hello,

Thanks for having me. This community has been very helpful through my way in polyamory. I appreciate all the community effort to inform people about non-monogamous relationships.

I am here because I am desperate. I come from monogamous relationships. I started dating this gorgeous girl that is into relationship anarchy. I have been curious about polyamory and I would like to start practicing it.

However, at first, my current partner was not with a serious partner. We took a trip, and everything went well for the first two months. In the third month, she introduced me to her new partner. This month I have been dealing with an insane jealousy crisis and mental breakdowns because of this. I just can’t get over thinking they are having sex and laughing all the time, even if that's not the case. His new partner is already polyamorous. For my gf it is difficult to see me so jealous.

She told me it is a guy she has known for years, and he comes and goes. I cannot get over the thought that this guy that comes whenever he wants can have intimacy with my girlfriend. I already met him on Friday, and everything has been worse. I fear that my relationship will fail simply because of this guy. I cry a lot. I don't know if polyamory is for me, given this situation. Is there any way to address this?
 
There are a lot of sources on dealing with jealousy in polyamory. I'm sure @kdt26417 will pop along soon with them!

What I'd start off with is that you set yourself a time limit. Say 3-6 months. You review the situation on that day and see if you're willing to continue based on what progress you think you've made.

So for example, if right now you feel 1/10 about this, 0 being awful and 10 being happy, then in 3 months, I'd want to be at at least a 3 for me to feel like the effort was worth it. If I was at a 3 or more, I'd feel like I could go another 3 months and review then again. Maybe at that point I'm at a 6 or 7. So I'd think, okay, I'll review in 6 months and see where I am then.
 
I'm concerned that if you're this distraught, you're simply causing yourself trauma by staying in the situation. I honestly think it might be worth seriously considering pulling back from seeing her at all before you set yourself off into a level of breakdown that would require professional intervention. You are in control of stopping this situation. You can break it off with her as the lesser of two hurts.

Jealousy is a type of fear, and if you are living in a constant state of fear, your brain chemistry will get fucked up, along with your general health. You're more likely to make bad choices around substances, as well as the stress hormones simply giving your heart a hell of a time.

Sometimes, relationships just don't work out. Her preferred relationship model is anarchic. It's very likely there will be many people coming and going through her life. This is part of the joy for those who practice it.

I suspect you were raised with some core beliefs about relationships and they largely revolve around serial monogamy. These generally need massive deconstruction before any form of ethical non-monogamy, especially RA, can be successful. And it's very, very hard to deconstruct them when you're in the midst of a mental breakdown.

So, I'd recommend taking three months off, and stepping away from her and the relationship while you do the inner work to examine your core beliefs, their origins, their usefulness to you, their meaning to you, and if you can release the ones that are currently harming you, or if they will remain essential to your relationship needs.
 
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Could it be that you want something from her she can't give?
 
Evie said:
I'm concerned that if you're this distraught, you're simply causing yourself trauma by staying in the situation. I honestly think it might be worth seriously considering pulling back from seeing her at all before you set yourself off into a level of breakdown that would require professional intervention. You are in control of stopping this situation, you can break it off with her as the lesser of two hurts.

Jealousy is a type of fear, but if you are living in a constant state of fear your brain chemistry will get fucked up along with your general health. You're more likely to make bad choices around substances, as well as the stress hormones simply giving your heart a hell of a time.

Sometimes, relationships just don't work out. Her preferred relationship model is anarchic. It's very likely there will be many people come and go through her life, this is part of the joy for those who practice it.

I suspect you were raised with some core beliefs about relationships and they largely revolve around serial monogamy. These generally need massive deconstruction before any form of ethical non monogamy, especially RA, can be successful. And it's very, very hard to deconstruct them when you're in the midst of a mental breakdown.

So take that three months and step away from her and the relationship while you do the inner work to examine your core beliefs, their origins, their usefulness to you, their meaning to you, and if you can release the ones that are currently harming you, or if they will remain essential to your relationship needs.
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I think this hits the nail on the head. I am starting to drink a lot and get sleep deprived. I am just sad because I want this relationship to work. We are an incredible team in all other aspects. I don’t want to pull out just because I can’t control myself.
 
Ciniclibido said:
I am starting to drink a lot and get sleep deprived. I am just sad because I want this relationship to work. We are an incredible team in all other aspects.
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There are so, so, so many people — millions, literally, millions and millions of people — who are beautiful, amazing partners and who also want monogamous relationships. Please don't destroy yourself chasing this one person. It doesn't sound like she's for you.
 
Ciniclibido said:
I think this hits the nail on the head. I am starting to drink a lot and get sleep deprived. I am just sad because I want this relationship to work. We are an incredible team in all other aspects. I don’t want to pull out just because I can’t control myself.
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It's not about "controlling yourself." It's not good to control your emotions, per se. You need to feel them, breathe through them, and examine them. You can manage unpleasant emotions through exercise, taking brisk walks, for example, or running, lifting weights. The dopamine released will reduce your adrenaline and cortisone. Drinking a lot of alcohol is counter-productive. Exercise may also help you sleep better. Try to eat some nutritious food every day, too.

You've only known this person for three months, so there's no need to continue. It's not like you've been married for years and your wife suddenly told you she's poly. I fully concur with Evie. Take a step back from your new dating partner. Tell her why. Then go no contact for at least 40 days, or a few months. Your feelings will calm down a lot, trust us!

Men are raised to be highly competitive over women. It's not healthy. It's stupid. And it's not necessary. Men do not own women anymore (at least in the West). Women own themselves and have autonomy to share themselves with the lovers of their choice. But many men feel they will be considered weak to "let another man have sex with 'their' woman." This mindset can take a while to unravel and let go.
 
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