Finding NP/primary partner

D

dorcia

New member
Hi all, 31 y/o gay male here. I've tried solo poly and dating someone in a hierarchal setup where I was a secondary, and I've learned that this isn't for me. The last relationship I was in, I was a secondary, and I longed to be his primary. While we had a beautiful relationship in so many ways and had so much joy, laughter, and great sex, I never felt like I was "chosen" and I felt like I was playing second fiddle to my meta, especially because my boyfriend ended up marrying his meta over the course of our relationship -- purely for insurance purposes -- but I did not sign up to be in a relationship with a married person. We worked through it for a few months, but in the end, my feelings that my boyfriend had broken our relationship contract (in addition to moving out of state) came between us and was the beginning of the end. Deep down, I hope that we can be a part of each other's lives moving forward, whether as partners or not, I just know I need someone who can put me as a primary.

In general, I haven't been in many relationships, and the ones I have been in have been largely abusive or super short-lasting, aside from my last and most recent (the one I've described above). I've learned in the last year I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, which is really hard--and yes, I am beginning to read POLYSECURE and am trying to work on this--however, I feel really firm in that what I want is a primary partner or a nesting partner. I do fantasize about getting married, and I fantasize about fostering a teenager, ideally a queer teen that's been disowned. I want someone who will be a life partner for me, and from there, either ENM or poly (I'm slightly leaning towards ENM, but I think I could pursue multiple relationships, but likely only one other one for time reasons). However, I find the idea of monogamy being super limiting and stifling for me because sexual freedom and autonomy are important to me. I know one person cannot fill all my needs, so I know that ENM/poly is it for me, I promise I'm not monogamous. When I was monogamous, I felt really trapped. However, I do want someone to navigate the hard stuff with, especially as it comes to finances. This world is so cut out for couples - it's fucked.

Reddit would have me believe what I want is contradictory to polyamory but I know it's not. I know this because there are SO MANY MARRIED POLY PEOPLE! And some of them have kids too!

But here's the thing - how the fuck do I find a primary? It seems like everyone in the apps is already partnered, especially the gays! It's crazy!

I've seen a few different schools of thought about this: the first is what I'm currently planning on, which is once I'm healed from this breakup (which I'm not yet, so I'm not planning on entering into anything this soon) is to use OKCupid (a site I have historically not had luck on) and doing the filters and focusing on non-monog singles--a pretty narrow dating pool--and explicitly state what I'm looking for. I would do the same with any other dating apps.

The other school of thought is to meet up with partnered people in hopes that one would be open to a nesting partner situation, as some people expressed they found their nesting partners that way. Is there a third option? also, is there a way to do this without the apps? I really hate them, but I understand their usefulness as we are in a minority.
 
The third option is to find someone who wants the marriage and fostering part, and compromise on polyamory. By that I dont mean monogamy, but as a gay man, it will be easier for you to find someone who is at least willing to be sexually open. But sometimes you do have to work out what is mpre important. One life partner and the other things you want, or theoretically being able to have another boyfriend
 
It is possible to have two primaries, aka co-primaries. My nesting partner Pixi and I basically both have that. It took years for both of us to find the right OSOs for our configuration. But it did finally happen. I feel really lucky.

My bf Aries lives with some of his (blood) family members, but he spends pretty much every weekend, Friday night-Monday night, here at my house. Pixi goes to her bf Malachi's house for that period, or maybe one extra day as well. During the rest of the week, Pixi comes back here and she and I are together. So it's pretty much a 50/50 split.

There is a certain amount of financial intermingling between Pixi and me, between Aries and me, and between Pixi and Malachi. None of us are interested in having kids, though. (I actually have 3 adult kids already, so I am done.)

So, my point is, even if you date someone who is already seriously partnered, you could find out if they are open to, or actively interested, in working toward having a co-primary situation.

Btw, we get a lot of dissatisfied reddit users coming here who are tired of the culture there that you describe. I NEVER wanted more than two lovers. I am pansexual, so I wanted one femme lover and one masc lover. That's what I finally ended up with, a transwoman and a cis man. I have had up to three partners at one time, but that was when I was actively dating and knew that the people (besides Pixi) that I was dating were not going to end up as serious life partners. I was okay with something more casual for a secondary or tertiary until a better match came along. But I found having 3 partners tiring.
 
You sound like a beautiful person! I could have written much of what you expressed--- the previous experience being secondary, and the history if abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Kind souls like us are often the victims of abuse and being taken for granted. We have "soft" boundaries where firm boundaries should be.

It sounds to me, in your situation, like it would be good to date in the spirit of monogamy, with the possibility of ENM later. It is very much okay to expect and express and desire to be the primary/only in your partner's life. Perhaps start dating people who are interested in monogamy and then express early in the dating process that you are interested in ENM, but you want that person to be your primary/partner/co parent, and for now you only focus on them.
 
BirdieMakes3 said:
You sound like a beautiful person! I could have written much of what you expressed--- the previous experience being secondary, and the history if abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Kind souls like us are often the victims of abuse and being taken for granted. We have "soft" boundaries where firm boundaries should be.

It sounds to me, in your situation, like it would be good to date in the spirit of monogamy, with the possibility of ENM later. It is very much okay to expect and express and desire to be the primary/only in your partner's life. Perhaps start dating people who are interested in monogamy and then express early in the dating process that you are interested in ENM, but you want that person to be your primary/partner/co parent, and for now you only focus on them.
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Thank you for this - birdie. Have you had experience/luck with this? I'm worried that trying to "change" a person who's monogamously oriented will not go well in the long run.
 
Hello dorcia,

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time finding a nesting/primary partner, you are not doing anything wrong, you deserve a man who will be there for you for life. I think you just need to keep trying, there must be someone out there who is right for you. I wonder if you would be interested in an arrangement of you and two other guys, where all three of you are primaries to each other? I'm not saying forget about a two-man arrangement, just that you might want to add a three-man arrangement to your list of possibilities. You might also find it helpful to join a local poly group. Google "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city, and see if anything turns up.

I hope you have better luck in the future.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
dorcia said:
Thank you for this - birdie. Have you had experience/luck with this? I'm worried that trying to "change" a person who's monogamously oriented will not go well in the long run.
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I have had relationships where I date someone who is mono, but they know about my ENM background. We made an agreement to proceed in the relationship as either monogamous or me being ENM and them being okay with that. It has been different situation in different stages of my life.

For example with my second husband--- He himself was monogamous. I was involved with a triad, but decided to date him as well, on the side. The triad dissolved, and he was left as my primary and only partner. We decided to get married and have a baby. During that time we agreed that we would be monogamous until such time as I felt the need to be active poly again. That monogamous period lasted until our baby was 3. (That marriage did not last-- had to do with mental health issues, not ENM.)
 
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