Limerence/attachment/new relationship energy/infatuation/whatever it’s called

B

B&JENM

New member
Hi!

My husband Jack and I recently decided to move forward with ethical non-monogamy. We found a guy, call him Shrum, that I was wildly attracted to, who is interesting, and has some things in common with both of us. This was going to be someone for me to ultimately have a sexual relationship with, and for Jack to enjoy watching us, but to eventually join in at some point, once everyone was fully comfortable with each other.

My goal was to pursue a friends-with-benefits situation. I don’t feel comfortable having sexual relationships with strangers. I was hoping they could be friends with us, with hot sex on the side.

We met Shrum about three weeks ago, had three dates, and talked in threeway communication via text basically continuously throughout the day for those weeks. I began to feel infatuated with Shrum. I have a passionate personality, so I have a tendency to go in hard. I am pretty sure Shrum has a very similar personality to mine, as he was coming in hot and heavy, as well.

Jack picked up on the infatuation and understandably didn’t feel comfortable with it, so we put things on hold with Shrum until we could sort out our stuff. He was understanding.

Back story-- Jack and I have been together 18 years in a monogamous relationship. We both wanted to spice things up.

This was the first sexual encounter (not full sex) I’ve had in 18 years, so the hormones and dopamine were MASSIVELY high. Same thing for Shrum, who was experiencing this for first time in 12 years. (He’s going through a divorce.)

Although this new relationship reminds me of how I was prior to Jack. When I get involved, I tend to go all in, deep level, while also experiencing anxiety around the relationship: just another point to add that leads to the obsessive flair.

I’m starting therapy with someone who is an ENM and sex therapist, but also I think can help me work through my own stuff that could get in the way of me approaching this mindfully and healthily.

The plan is to also do some couple's counseling to help us work through sex life and navigate ENM stuff.

Maybe this is sort of like a blog post, but I'm looking for shared experiences, success stories, or advice.

Thanks!!
 
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You want shared experiences or success stories, but not information or advice about good polyamorous practices in general? In other words, you just want to hear from people who have had successful long-term triads? (There aren't many of us.)
 
Magdlyn said:
You want shared experiences or success stories, but not information or advice about good polyamorous practices in general? In other words, you just want to hear from people who have had successful long-term triads? (There aren't many of us.)
Click to expand...
I’m good with whatever advice to be honest
 
B&JENM said:
I’m good with whatever advice, to be honest
Click to expand...
Okay!

Would you please choose nicknames for husband and new guy, for ease of responses?

First of all, check out this list of resources:


I recommend starting with reading the book Opening Up. It covers open relationships, swinging and polyamory. If you're more into listening than reading, check out Multiamory.

You seem to have a voyeurism/exhibitionist kink, and a desire for threeway MFM sex, and for friendship, but not necessarily for polyamory (romantic love with multiple people). However, you're deeply infatuated. We call it New Relationship Energy (NRE). It is indeed a hormonal state. And part of NRE is anxiety, for everyone: does he like me as much as I like him? Do we want the same things? Will he hurt me? And in an open relationship: how will my current partner react to all this? Etc.

Is your main concern to reduce your anxiety before you actually start having sex? You could put on the brakes a bit, stop talking to new guy all day long, take a breather, reconnect with your husband, maybe go on a little fun overnight with him for some romance and to get a sense of normality, some distance from the headiness of the new feelings.
 
Magdlyn said:
Okay!

Would you please choose nicknames for husband and new guy, for ease of responses?

First of all, check out this list of resources:


I recommend starting with reading the book Opening Up. It covers open relationships, swinging and polyamory. If you're more into listening than reading, check out Multiamory.

You seem to have a voyeurism/exhibitionist kink, and a desire for threeway MFM sex, and for friendship, but not necessarily for polyamory (romantic love with multiple people). However, you're deeply infatuated. We call it New Relationship Energy (NRE). It is indeed a hormonal state. And part of NRE is anxiety, for everyone: does he like me as much as I like him? Do we want the same things? Will he hurt me? And in an open relationship: how will my current partner react to all this? Etc.

Is your main concern to reduce your anxiety before you actually start having sex? You could put on the brakes a bit, stop talking to new guy all day long, take a breather, reconnect with your husband, maybe go on a little fun overnight with him for some romance and to get a sense of normality, some distance from the headiness of the new feelings.
Click to expand...
Thanks for this response. I’ll check into those resources. Good point about adding nick names to help with clarifying the different people involved.

Husband is Jack.
I’m Gin.
Third wheel is Shrum.

I think, bottom line, Jack and I were hoping to gain a friend with benefits without emotions getting involved. Yes, Jack's kink is to watch... and maybe be involved at some point. The kink is also watching me be wanted by the guy and I’m in complete control, then complete boss… So being emotionally vulnerable doesn’t go with that side if things. It is also understandably a threat to see me liking Shrum in any way more than sexual. I would feel the same if he were to start seeing other women.

I think that’s the main struggle. I don’t know if it’s even possible to exclude emotion when having ongoing sex and a relationship with someone, unless it happens maybe monthly or something. This is all brand new to us. My hang-up was having sex with strangers. I just wanted to know the person, like them as a friend, respect them and feel respected, etc., but no romantic component. Purely a ‘friend.’

We can’t do the true poly thing as it’s hurtful to us to each other have true romantic feelings towards other people.

Confusing…
 
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I'm more ENM than poly... not for want of trying. So for me, it is totally possible to have a sexual relationship with a deep friendship without wanting or needing more. But I am incredibly independent emotionally, maybe to the point of being distant. Who knows?

I guess my question to you is: what do you want? I feel you have described what your husband wants/needs.

To add, I love being a CuckQueen at times, but have no need to watch or know any details. As long as my partner enjoys, that is enough for me. xx
 
Brazen said:
I'm more ENM than Poly...not for want of trying. So for me it is totally possible to have a sexual relationship with a deep friendship without wanting or needing more. But I am incredibly independent emotionally maybe to the point of being distant. Who knows

I guess my question to you is what do you want. I feel you have described what your husband wants/needs. To add I love being a CuckQueen at times but have no need to watch or know any details. As long as my partner enjoys that is enough for me xx
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Well, I want a friend with benefits, someone we could hang out with regularly, maybe twice per month, with some conversation in between. I don’t mind at all having sex in front of my husband. He doesn’t enjoy the cuck side of things, more just a voyeur, and wants to record for himself for later viewing. But same as you, I have no need to watch him with another woman. That’s not a turn-on. The threesome would need to be eased in over time, as that seems overwhelming. It’s so good to hear it’s possible for you to do this without getting emotionally vulnerable. I’m hoping therapy with the ENM expert can also help me figure that out. I want to go into this with my mind right.
 
Brazen said:
I'm more ENM than Poly...not for want of trying. So for me it is totally possible to have a sexual relationship with a deep friendship without wanting or needing more. But I am incredibly independent emotionally maybe to the point of being distant. Who knows

I guess my question to you is what do you want. I feel you have described what your husband wants/needs. To add I love being a CuckQueen at times but have no need to watch or know any details. As long as my partner enjoys that is enough for me xx
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Also since you have a similar experience would you mind if I send you a message if I have more questions? Not even sure that’s a thing on here. I’m new
 
If you want to really be prepared, it would be best to wait a while before going all in with Shrum. Most couples who were formerly mono but want to open their relationship to either casual sex or full-on polyamory do best when they do research for at least a year. You don't sound ready because you've become so infatuated and more attached to Shrum than you expected, or wanted to be.

Since you need and emotional connection of at least friendship to have sex, how to rein in your feelings when you're more emotionally invested than you want to be? I don't know if you can. The emotions will only get stronger once you actually start a physical relationship.

Brazen feels like they can have casual sex and not go overboard. You're already deep in NRE. It might just be a personality thing. Maybe you're not built for hooking-up. Maybe you're a lover.
 
Hello Gin,

I would call it NRE. NRE makes it hard for us to remember to take care of our original partner. You are experiencing some NRE, and Jack is noticing that and maybe he feels a little bit left out. Hopefully your work with your therapist/s can help sort some of that out.

The good news is that NRE doesn't last forever, your feelings for Shrum will eventually settle back down, and you will see Jack in a new light. In the meantime, it is okay to ask Jack to remind you of when he is feeling left out and needs extra care from you. You are sincere about wanting to be good to him, but the NRE just makes it hard to remember that.

I hope this post is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If you are full on in NRE and only want a friends with benefits then you need to SLOW DOWN. NRE is like heroin. The more you are exposed the more you want/need. Talking all day is like shooting up all day... Stop it. Maybe check in once daily AT MOST. If things aren't settling then go a few days with no contact. If that's not enough, go longer. Once you are back with your faculties, then resume in moderation as if you are making A FRIEND. Try to stay away from intimate conversations (intimate meaning deep or connecting, not necessarily sexual). You are just getting to know him and are looking for a FWB, not a boyfriend, so keep that in check. Space is your friend in this situation.

When you start hooking up, space that out too. Start with once per month. Then every three weeks. Do it as far apart as long as you need to, until everything really feels like no big deal emotionally. Then you can drop to every two weeks.

If you don't slow down, you'll find yourself in a situation you don't want.
 
Nailed it Bobbi! I think so, anyway. This was what I was thinking and planning on, slowing WAAAY down. It did feel like a drug certainly, and I had withdrawal symptoms for a few days after we decided it was necessary to take a break. Today I feel back to normal, thankfully.
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hello Gin,

I would call it NRE. NRE makes it hard for us to remember to take care of our original partner. You are experiencing some NRE, and Jack is noticing that and maybe he feels a little bit left out. Hopefully your work with your therapist/s can help sort some of that out.

The good news is that NRE doesn't last forever, your feelings for Shrum will eventually settle back down, and you will see Jack in a new light. In the meantime, it is okay to ask Jack to remind you of when he is feeling left out and needs extra care from you. You are sincere about wanting to be good to him, but the NRE just makes it hard to remember that.

I hope this post is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thank you Kevin. It helps to normalize the experience IMO. Makes me feel less crazy. Your words were very helpful.
 
Magdlyn said:
If you want to really be prepared, it would be best to wait a while before going all in with Shrum. Most couples who were formerly mono but want to open their relationship to either casual sex or full-on polyamory do best when they do research for at least a year. You don't sound ready because you've become so infatuated and more attached to Shrum than you expected, or wanted to be.

Since you need an emotional connection of at least friendship to have sex, how to rein in your feelings when you're more emotionally invested than you want to be? I don't know if you can. The emotions will only get stronger once you actually start a physical relationship.

Brazen feels like they can have casual sex and not go overboard. You're already deep in NRE. It might just be a personality thing. Maybe you're not built for hooking-up. Maybe you're a lover.
Click to expand...
Thanks again, Magdlyn. You may be right about me being just a lover. I'm hoping that slowing way down and taking our time before getting intimate again will help: we haven’t had sex but have messed around. I'm hoping the FWB works for me with a little therapy/support to work in strategies to help. If FWBs doesn’t work, we’d just go back to monogamy, likely.
 
Magdlyn said:
Okay!

Would you please choose nicknames for husband and new guy, for ease of responses?

First of all, check out this list of resources:


I recommend starting with reading the book Opening Up. It covers open relationships, swinging and polyamory. If you're more into listening than reading, check out Multiamory.

You seem to have a voyeurism/exhibitionist kink, and a desire for threeway MFM sex, and for friendship, but not necessarily for polyamory (romantic love with multiple people). However, you're deeply infatuated. We call it New Relationship Energy (NRE). It is indeed a hormonal state. And part of NRE is anxiety, for everyone: does he like me as much as I like him? Do we want the same things? Will he hurt me? And in an open relationship: how will my current partner react to all this? Etc.

Is your main concern to reduce your anxiety before you actually start having sex? You could put on the brakes a bit, stop talking to new guy all day long, take a breather, reconnect with your husband, maybe go on a little fun overnight with him for some romance and to get a sense of normality, some distance from the headiness of the new feelings.
Click to expand...
I checked out the Multiamory podcast. Omg!!!! That’s great. Thanks for sharing!
 
Magdlyn said:
You want shared experiences or success stories, but not information or advice about good polyamorous practices in general? In other words, you just want to hear from people who have had successful long-term triads? (There aren't many of us.)
Click to expand...
Also I edited above…i was looking for advice.
 
Bobbi said:
If you are full on in NRE and only want a friends with benefits then you need to SLOW DOWN. NRE is like heroin. The more you are exposed the more you want/need. Talking all day is like shooting up all day... Stop it. Maybe check in once daily AT MOST. If things aren't settling then go a few days with no contact. If that's not enough, go longer. Once you are back with your faculties, then resume in moderation as if you are making A FRIEND. Try to stay away from intimate conversations (intimate meaning deep or connecting, not necessarily sexual). You are just getting to know him and are looking for a FWB, not a boyfriend, so keep that in check. Space is your friend in this situation.

When you start hooking up, space that out too. Start with once per month. Then every three weeks. Do it as far apart as long as you need to, until everything really feels like no big deal emotionally. Then you can drop to every two weeks.

If you don't slow down, you'll find yourself in a situation you don't want.
Click to expand...
Bobbi, I want to say again this was really good advice and you said some things I think I needed to hear…my husband also agrees strongly with the points you made.

Btw, shrum and I did go very deep in our conversations. That actually happened the first night of meeting him. I’m usually a reserved person and slow to get to know (but loooove deep conversations once comfortable). Shrum, on the other hand, I think, doesn’t hesitate getting deep and that’s how he looped me in, to be honest. After getting deep I feel like it’s going to be hard to backtrack but we HAVE to find a balance. It felt like we were on a rollercoaster. I do think those deep convos and constant texting are what fed that NRE big time. So that maybe is a solvable problem.
 
Personally, I think I have kind of trained my NRE after many crushes/experiences when I was much younger. I look at it logically. NRE may be wonderful, but it's a chemical reaction, often to someone you really do not know. Then I think about the reality of actually spending time with that person. Their personal habits, life views, personal relationships, which I would have no idea about, as the time together is in a bubble. ( I am also hyper aware of love bombing, as I've been burnt before).

The beginning of a relationship, no matter what kind, can be amazing; however, keeping wits and reality is important. xx
 
Smart. Rational.

I’m kind of out of the NRE now that we haven’t talked for a few days. THANKFULLY. That was scary and unexpected. But yes, I definitely agree it’s a chemical reaction: this guy is totally fun, we have some things in common, and he seems to be good to have as a friend. But our life goals are completely different and we would actually make a disastrous long-term couple.

My husband meets all my needs as a spouse and he certainly shares my life goals.

If the NRE flairs again, I’ll try to think of it as only a chemical reaction and recognize we need to get some space in that moment and then reconnect with the husband. Maybe it’s not such a catastrophe and hopefully I will go into this a little more level headed next time (such as when the break with shrum is over), maybe with some better boundaries. I get the burnt feeling though:.. I went through that a lot before meeting my wonderful husband.

Thank you for your feedback. Keeping this rational is absolutely necessary.
 
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