I broke an agreement, now what?

[Ciniclibido]

Hello forum! thanks for this space to discuss poly stuff.

I am man, currently poly. I am in relationships with two girls (Tina and Kate).

I have been dating Tina for 4 months. She has been diagnosed with BDP and she is starting therapy. There have been issues in our relationship.

Kate and I have been dating for some weeks.

This is my first time doing poly I have been dealing with jealousy and anger management with my recent metas.

My intention is to keep connecting with Tina. We usually have a very fun time together. We love each other. She had a mental crisis a month ago. We have been repairing the relationship from the distance that we had to put between us so she could cope with her feelings. The relationship has been feeling shaky, but lately our intention has been to repair it and get back to a heathy place.

I recently started dating Kate. I asked Tina about our agreements. She said she doesn't want to know anything about Kate (how she looks or even her name) , and I respected that. She has severe trauma related to abandonment.

A couple days ago, Tina and I were having dinner and she took a photo of our hands. She wanted me to post it in my social media. I meditated a moment, because I didn´t know if Kate would be jealous of the photo. I actually just expressed the concern of uploading the photo because I don't like my family to see my endevours. Tina acted super weird after that.

A day after that, I just expressed her through a voicenote my other concern, about Kate seeing the photo. Tina wrote that she was actually hurt and furious: why was I not have able to say that in the restaurant, why did it take me a day to say it? Tina told me she is not a moron and she could tell that was my thought in that moment. She told me also that I broke an agreement of not talking about her EXCEPT to share necessary information (status of my relationship, schedule issues, etc.). I was confused about what information I should share with her, but she is telling me she was clear before that she needs me to be more transparent and assertive.

Yesterday I tried to talk with her about the issue, and my intention to take corrective action. I gave her an apology and asked more about how I could improve my communication. She expressed that she was still angry at me. She does not want to dialog, she is coping with a lot, this is not the first time I hurt her, she is having trust issues with me. This breaks my heart. I know I am new to poly, but I can´t shake the feeling of committing mistakes every week or something. I love her, but I don't want to hurt her. Not sure if I am the right guy for her. Probably her metas that have more poly experience could be a better fit for her. Is there any further step to repair?

 

[Albert Ross]

This sounds like a very stressful situation. I feel for you, stranger. It sounds like you're trying pretty hard to control your partners' reactions—not posting a photo Tina asked you to post because Kate might be jealous, not being entirely honest with Tina when explaining why you weren't posting it—and that approach is backfiring on you.

You can't prevent other people from experiencing negative feelings. So you might be better served by getting real clear on your agreements with your partners, and real clear on what you want, and then expecting them to manage their own feelings. You don't owe Tina infinity emotional labour just because she has BPD.

Honestly, I'm sure there are many great things about your relationship with her, but the way you describe it sounds exhausting. After only four months? I'd be asking myself if a person who gets intensely upset and angry at the slightest mention of my other partners is really someone I want to do polyamory with. You know?

 

[Bobbi]

A day after that, I expressed to her through a voicenote my other concern with Kate about the photo. Tina wrote me she was actually hurt and furious: why I could not have been able to say that in the restaurant, and why it took me a day to say it. Tina told me she is not a moron and she could tell that was my thought in that moment. She told me also that I broke an agreement of not talking about her EXCEPT of the necessary information (status of my relationship, schedule issues, etc).

When you are the hinge (they are your partners, not your metas; they are metas to each other) you need to decide what you do with your stuff. Your first response should have been the end of the discussion.

Knowing you have multiple partners, YOU need to decide if you are going to share it all on social media. Then share based on your decision. You may choose to post nothing involving partners at all or you may choose to only post partners who consent to be posted there. It's up to YOU and it's up to you to let your partners know your policy. If you do post with their permission, then your other partners will need to deal with their own feelings of seeing you with other partners. If they don't want to see it they can not follow you. If you choose not to post ever, then they have to accept your decision.

Tina asked you to never talk about or mention Kate, so don't. You could easily make decisions without mentioning other partners. Sometimes if you feel cornered and can't figure it out on the spot you can always say "let me think about it" and get back to them later on it. Make sure you give an answer soon, though, because nobody likes feeling blown off.

she is telling me she has been clear before and she needs me to be more transparent and assertive.

This was not an issue of transparency, as she didn't want to hear about other partner. BUT you need to decide for yourself how you want to answer. Yes, you can take partners' feelings into consideration when making a decision, but in the end, the decision is yours to own. Do NOT blame others partners for your decision, which is what you did when you mentioned to Tina about how Kate might feel. By doing that you essentially blamed Kate for not wanting to post the picture, instead of making it what YOU wanted.

In poly, you cannot make everyone happy all the time. Get used to knowing that you'll have to master dealing with those times.

she is having trust issues towards me.

I have found that trust is gained by being honest about everything... even the worst things. I personally wouldn't ever have a partner that never wants to hear other partners' names. They are a part of my life and I want to be with people who want to know about my life and the people in it. I'd tell her that I'm going to share, and be honest about non-private things, and if she cannot hear it then we are not right for each other. ...But that's me.

I know you are new to poly, and negotiating more than one relationship takes time, and working through mistakes, but that doesn't mean every thing your girlfriend dislikes is a mistake on your part.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

A day after that, I expressed my other concern with Kate about the photo. Tina wrote me she was actually hurt and furious: why did I not say that in the restaurant, and why did it take me a day to say it? Tina told me she was not a moron and she could tell that was my thought in that moment.

Some people process faster than others. If Tina processes faster, she could have just as easily asked you "Are you worrying about how your other partner will take it?" Instead, she wants to dump all her feelings on you and blame you.

She told me also that I broke an agreement of not talking about her EXCEPT for the necessary information (status of my relationship, schedule issues, etc.).

So she wants it both ways? She doesn't want to know about Kate, but she wants to know why you don't want to post the pix? And she wants to know instantly, and not let you have time to process, and figure out what to say, that still honors the agreement, not to mention other partners?

She wants a lot at once. It sounds like it's a difficult standard to meet "just right."

I was confused about what information I should with her. She is telling me she has been clear before and she needs me to be more transparent and assertive.

I think you could say, "No, thanks. This agreement is too hard to keep and feels unnatural. I'm not going to overload you with data about my other partners. But I'm also not okay with you wanting instant answers, not giving me time to think about how to say things, and blowing up at me because I'm trying to meet your standards. I'm letting that all go and will be speaking naturally from now on. And if we aren't the right fit because you don't like how I talk, we just aren't the right fit."

Yesterday I tried to talk with her about the issue, and my intention to take corrective action. I gave her an apology and asked more about how could I improve my communication . She expressed that she is still angry at me, she does not want to dialog, she is coping with a lot, this is not the first time I hurt her, and she is having trust issues with me.

It sounds like her BPD stuff includes being quick to ignite and very slow to come back down. If you are going to keep dating her, know that's something you will be dealing with a lot.

This breaks my heart. I know I am new to poly, but I can´t shake the feeling of committing mistakes every week. I love her, but I don't want to hurt her. Not sure if I am the right guy for her. Probably her metas that have more poly experience could be a better fit for her. Are there any further steps to take to repair?

I think it's less about "repair," and more about, "Do I feel like being a partner to a person newly-diagnosed with BPD, and handling her blow-ups?" It's okay if you aren't sure you are the right guy for her and don't want to deal with her blow-ups or her other BPD things. It's not her fault she has BPD, but if her presentation of it is more than you can handle, that's not your fault either.

SOMEONE has to be your first poly partner. That doesn't mean you have to stick with her forever. It's only been 4 mos of dating. You could end it. Then there would be no more upsets for either of you.

Not everyone you date is going to be a match. That's normal with any dating, not just poly-dating.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

Welcome to walking on eggshells. Someone just learning to manage their BPD is going to be a lot of work. You've obviously already lived through some blow ups so be careful of becoming conditioned by her behaviours or you'll lose a chunk of yourself to trying to manage her feelings to try and prevent that swing between you being on the pedestal or the pyre. And you'll never succeed. Only she can succeed in managing her reactions, and that's going to take time and intensive therapy.

Sometimes the best way to love a BPD person is to walk away, so they don't destroy themselves trying to cope with a situation they just can't.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cinic,

It seems to me that Tina has been giving you some mixed information about what she wants you to tell her about Kate. Tina says she has been clear with you about that, and I'm not sure I'm inclined to agree. I don't think you can agree to something you misunderstand. If you can't agree to something, then it can't be an agreement, and you can't break it. Tina is trying to vilify you, and you have done nothing wrong. That's my take on the situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.