Turning Into A Small Village...

MariusdeRomanus

MariusdeRomanus

New member
I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or just want to talk to someone about the recent happenings in my lovingly crowded home.

Very recently, I became involved in my first poly relationship with my husband, and four other people. On Monday, another couple joined us, as well. We've had what I can only imagine as normal arguments, being such a big group starting out. We're all very careful with one another, though there's still the unfortunate stepping on feelings by accident while we adjust to the newness.

There's a lot of NRE that's gotten us into a fair amount of trouble. It's hard to determine what will make us uncomfortable as we first set out. So we think that we're going good until we're suddenly very upset. We've been communicating rather well, though, and most of the problems don't last for very long.

Can anyone tell me how to manage spending time with six lovers, or is this unique?
 
Hey, Marius. Sure, easy answer. Send three over this way! :) I'm happy to help.

Just kidding (sort of).

Balancing time is always tough, in general. Balancing all the interrelations in such a large group sounds like a headache, to me. Likely the only thing that will help is lots of clear communication and lots of patience. The farther back you are in the line, the longer you have to wait.
 
Hi Marius. I haven't got anything constructive to offer. My jaw is still on the floor. :eek:

But hey, you are a heroine. Good luck and good loving to you all.
 
I have two male loves that live with me, one female secondary, and two other male secondaries, and I thought that was crazy. One more would be just insanity. I simply wouldn't do it, truth be told. It just wouldn't be sustainable for me. I have been at this a long time. This is the most loves I have had. After at least a year of trying to maintain some semblance of sanity, it is just not going to happen anytime soon. I have had to make drastic decisions about just how many people I can invest in, and have a connection with, at the same time. I have had to lessen my time with my two male secondaries as a result. We all agreed to this, but it has been hard. One has gone by the wayside for the moment, to make some changes to his life.

I think that what is really sustainable is one primary and one secondary, or co-primary, and that's it. Having two primaries depends on your definition and belief about the primary/secondary thing. One has to remember that your number-one primary/priority is yourself. It's just not possible to have enough of that with more than two, for me.

So now what? I don't want to "get rid" of people. I love them each in their own way. I just try and make it work. I have dramatically adjusted my life, to the point where I do hardly anything but have dates with people. It's hard when those who don't know ask me what I have doing, and why I am not painting, singing, running, volunteering, sewing, or gardening-- all the things I used to do. I don't have anything to say. I have no information to give.

Now that I have my own room in the house, and Mono has just about moved into the house, I am purposely scheduling "me" time to do things I enjoy, but it is to the detriment of my relationships. The depth with everyone, the connections, and perhaps even the point, eventually, have the potential to fade. So be it. But it makes me sad that that might happen. I don't want it to, but the reality is that five is just too much for me, the way I have been going.

I have to say (and don't take this the wrong way), at this point in the game, to me, your arrangement sounds like a nightmare. Good luck.
 
Purely time-wise, I believe I could have four more lovers. It's the emotional part that I'm not sure would work. I'd need to fall in love with them first, after all.

Then again, I'm unemployed. Add a job, and I'd have much less time. And my main problem, I think, wouldn't be being with them one-on-one, but with all of them at once. I'd want everyone to know everyone, and if possible, be on good terms. I'd want to do things all together. And I tell myself, I'm not a very social person, so wouldn't that feel like too many people?

On the other hand, we were six in my family (four kids + parents) and we did lots of stuff all together, and it was fine. So that's just one more person.

Six would be much easier to achieve if it included my metamours. Then, even if both my partners only have one person besides me, that's already four people. If I get a third and they have a partner, or I get a third, and Raga or Sean gets a third too, or if they both get a third, we're at six people, and I'd only be involved with two or three on a romantic level.

I think at that point, the way to go would be doing a lot of things as a group, or with several people at once. Still trying to get alone time with everyone, in which case you split into couples (with one trio, I guess) to do various activities, then get back together and shuffle, then have supper all together, or something.

It seems to me in your case you're all a big family, so it's not six unrelated people, with you in the middle, which makes it all easier in this specific case (more complicated in many ways, too, I'm sure!)

And I'd also need to take some alone time. But I think I probably wouldn't have much of a social "external" life, because one of my lovers would almost always been involved in some way! That's not necessarily a bad thing, though.
 
Thanks for all the comments, both constructive and funny. :)

We do almost everything together, every second we can. I have noticed (thanks to Redpepper's reply) that my time is consumed by my lovers. We're really on six days into our relationship, and already I'm dropping the ball on other stuff! At the moment though, I don't feel that's necessarily a bad thing... I'd much rather pay attention to my relationships and all the fine detailing than play Dungeons and Dragons-- even though three of my lovers play it with me. I simply don't have an interest in things that involve people who aren't part of the relationship right now. This will probably change later, and maybe that's for the better.

Like Tonberry though, I don't have a job. Only four of my lovers do, and one is on SSI for a heart problem. I'm a full-time student, but it's a lot easier than I would've thought to pay attention to my studies, because I have six lovers to whoop my ass if I miss an assignment, something they take perverse joy in doing. And I go to most of the same classes with one lover.

Our dates are humongous! We had our first date last Thursday, and just seating us took a bit. :eek: We've all agreed (because of the screaming of some bank accounts) that maybe we might wanna do things closer to home. The one-on-one dates are a little harder to manage right now, because of some adjustments to the new types of relationships, and dealing with some shades of jealousy.

We keep it simple for the one-on-one stuff. Company and Vegeta play a video game together (even if everyone is still in the house). Ariel and I do crafty things, such as make soap, and soon we'll be making Christmas stockings for everyone. And so on. In short, I have kept a few of my hobbies. I suppose that makes me lucky. We all share so much in common.

But even though it's very hard, I wouldn't have it any other way. The vibes are all wonderful when we're together, and everyone is comfortable. Our communication (usually somewhat patchy as just friends) has amped up to an awesome level.

Now my only issue is the one person (Thunder) who didn't come into the relationship with their own primary. We all worry about his moodiness when it comes and goes, and he's told us how sad he can get at night when everyone goes to bed with their primary, and he's by himself with no one to cuddle. We thought to fix this with a funny (but serious!) idea for a "mattress room," a communal bedroom full of everyone's beds. Maybe this will help him at nights. I also worry that maybe he gets unhappy with displays of affection, even though these are to more than just our primaries. I like to think it's evenly distributed.

Maybe that is an easier topic to find advice for.
 
MariusdeRomanus said:
My only issue is the one person (Thunder) who didn't come into the relationship with their own primary. We all worry about his moodiness when it comes and goes. He's told us how sad he can get at night when everyone goes to bed with their primary, and he's by himself with no one to cuddle. We thought to fix this with a funny but serious, idea for a "mattress room," a communal bedroom full of everyone's beds. Maybe this will help him at night. But I also worry that maybe he gets unhappy with displays of affection, even though the displays are to more than just our primaries. I like to think it's evenly distributed.
Click to expand...

It seems like maybe in a group this large it would be easy to make sure Thunder didn't have to go to bed alone every night. It might be something you'd have to work up to. But if all the "primaries" put themselves in Thunder's shoes, and think back to what some of the goals of living in a group are about, i.e., sharing, that someone could crawl in with him, at least occasionally! I mean, c'mon. Fair is fair, right? :)
 
One question: is it your intent as a group to all be equally primary to each other? Or do you mean to have your original primary be your primary still, and everyone else in the group your secondary? It makes a big difference in what the viable solutions available to you may be.
 
Athena said:
Is it your intent as a group to all be equally primary to each other? Or do you mean to have your original primary be your primary still, and everyone else in the group your secondary? It makes a big difference in what the viable solutions available to you may be.
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Good question, Athena. I wonder about that, too. My loves sort of became what they became out of time constraints and willingness to be in my life for certain things, events, etc. Like Tetris, it all sort of shuffled down to what worked for us.
 
Redpepper, it is exactly like Tetris, only we don't have cool techno themes. 😛

It's a great idea to just shuffle partners every night, or so. But this is the very beginning and we're still sifting through adjustments. Some boundaries we've made have been that primaries go to bed with their primaries. Company and I tried to sleep in Thunder's bed, but he sprawls a lot and it made Company grumpy. Ariel and Vegeta have also invited him to sleep in their bed pretty often.

GS, that's why we're thinking of a mattress room. But Ariel would like to wait until after some family visits next month to do it.

Athena, it could be possible at some point way, in the future, that we would all be primaries to each other. As of right now, no one can really see it that way, so everyone has their primaries, and everyone else is secondary.
 
So does that mean Thunder is secondary to everyone? I think I would be moody too! :cry:

Is there room for growth in the household? I.e., would Thunder be able to bring his own primary in, should he find someone?
 
There is room for Thunder to find someone and bring them in, at least in my opinion. I'm not sure what the others think. That's definitely something for us to talk about.
 
This is Company reporting in. Here's some more about the situation:

Thunder is a lonely fellow who wants someone to cuddle. He and I have had a talk about the possibility of him "wooing" Marius or me, in an attempt to bridge the gap between secondary and primary. The possibility exists, but neither of us are cheap dates, if you catch my meaning. There's an emotional investiture that we're looking for that he might not be ready for. He's having difficulty opening up fully.

Do you know what he said to me the other day? Do you know what his bitch ass said to me? He said, "I don't have feelings." I should kick him in the teeth.

Marius, sitting beside me, would like to point out that we know he's lying. Hence, the teeth kicking.

This is a huge adjustment for all of us. Before this network began, I was the sort to be quite comfortable stewing in pessimism. When you have six people counting on you for support, one must needs muster enough hope to feed the family.

Ariel is having issues with jealousy. Vegeta is resisting the need to find her own voice, instead of letting others speak for her.

The other two, Andulvar and Selene, I don't know what they're doing. They're new. We're breaking them in still. ;)

The practical reality is that it all might completely explode and fall apart because too many people are adjusting at once, and we have little in the way of stability or foundation. For better or for worse, everyone in the group has agreed that we're determined not to let that happen.

Slow to act, quick to commit. We'll keep you all updated so you can watch the drama unfold.

Marius wants to point out that we are not, in fact, a sitcom.

Company disagrees.
 
One does indeed need to muster up hope to feed the family. I agree entirely-- there is no room for pessimism and negativity in poly, especially with a big tribe. It's just not productive, and can result in failure, I think.
 
Company said:
This is Company reporting in.

Thunder is a lonely fellow who wants someone to cuddle. He and I have had a talk about the possibility of him "wooing" Marius or me in an attempt to bridge the gap between secondary and primary. The possibility exists, but neither of us are cheap dates, if you catch my meaning. There's an emotional investiture that we're looking for that he might not be ready for. He's having difficulty opening up fully. Do you know what he said to me the other day? Do you know what his bitch ass said to me? He said, "I don't have feelings." I should kick him in the teeth. Marius, sitting beside me, would like to point out that we know he's lying. Hence, the teeth kicking.

This is a huge adjustment for all of us. Before this relationship I was the sort to be quite comfortable stewing in pessimism. When you have six people counting on you for support, one must needs muster enough hope to feed the family. Ariel is having issues with jealousy. Vegeta is resisting the need to find her own voice, instead of letting others speak for her. The other two, Andulvar and Selene, I don't know what they're doing. They're new. We're still breaking them in.

The practical reality is that it all might completely explode and fall apart because too many people are adjusting at once, and we have little in the way of stability or foundation. For better or for worse, everyone in the group has agreed that we're determined not to let that happen.

Slow to act, quick to commit. We'll keep you all updated so you can watch the drama unfold. Marius wants to point out that we are not, in fact, a sitcom. Company disagrees.
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Assuming you wrote this tongue-in-cheek, I think I like you, Company. :)

How did you all meet and from there decide to live in a poly config?
 
TruckerPete, we have a very close-knit history together.

I've known Selene the longest. We went to the same elementary school. She was a grade above me. Oddly enough, we didn't say one word to each other until seventh grade, and we were sitting out of P.E. on the same day. We didn't say anything more than one sentence each until we met again in high school. We then became very, very close friends via email (even though we lived very close), and began spending more and more time together the more time went on. She first told me she loved me when I was seventeen or so. I'll always remember it. We now go to college together and have many of our classes together.

I did happen to get kicked out of that high school, and had to go to a different one closer to my home, where I met Thunder and Vegeta. :cool: We were all in the same graduating class, and we spent almost every day together in senior year and beyond.

Selene introduced me to Company, whom she met on a forum. We all live in California, but Company used to live in Ohio. I became involved with Company almost immediately, and we married the same year. <3

About a year or so after Company and I married, Selene met Andulvar through her work and began dating him, and Vegeta and Ariel met online and began dating.

Things between all of us certainly didn't start smoothly. For instance, I didn't like Andulvar at all when we first met, and I gave Ariel a very bad first impression. Almost nobody liked Company at first. Through the years we've known each other, the wrinkles have been slowly smoothed out...

Selene and Andulvar moved out on their own almost a year ago. We've had more than a few encounters which made the term "polyamory" jump into our minds. At first we had a lot of problems finding a way for it to work and decided not to. That seemed like an end to the idea for a long time.

Then a month ago, Vegeta, Ariel, and Thunder got their first place, in the same neighborhood as Andulvar and Selene. Little did anyone know, they'd begun their own polyamorous relationship. Thunder had wanted to keep it under wraps for his own reasons. Around the same time, Company and I were kicked out of my parents' home. The three of them had room to take us in.

Ariel just pointed out to me that if we had stayed with Andulvar and Selene, this would never have happened. Interesting idea. Obviously, there's no way to prove it, but Thunder is secretive enough that it's probably true.

This whole relationship was a surprise to me, because they talked about the possibility of it while I wasn't around a lot, and usually at school. I was also still upset about the tense situation with my parents, though the three of them were very, very there for me the entire time.

... Vegeta kept tapping her chest and saying "This is your home." :)
 
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