Sorry if this isn’t the right section but I have a question

[bingobongo]

Hey, sorry if this isn’t the right section, but my fiancee and I have a question. So we met up with her friend from high school over the weekend for drinks at a local bar so they could catch up. Things went well and after we got home my fiancee told me that her friend (let’s call her Danielle) told her she thought I was cute twice when I left the table to grab drinks. So the next morning I messaged her saying I thought she was cute as well and she responded with, “Thank you! but I’m not looking for threesome fun right now," So me and fiancee think she’s fine af, but don’t know if she meant that she might be interested down the road or if she’s not interested at all. We’ve been talking the past few days so that’s throwing me off and we’re going to be seeing her again for an upcoming concert.

 

[Evie]

Mod note: moved to advice forum.

 

[bingobongo]

Hey sorry if this isn’t the right section but my fiancee and I have a question. So we met up with her friend from high school over the weekend for drinks at a local bar so they could catch up. So things went well and after we got home my fiancee told me that her friend let’s call her Danielle told her she thought I was cute twice when I left the table to grab drinks. So the next morning I messaged her saying I thought she was cute as well and she responded with “thank you! but i’m not looking for threesome fun right now”. So me and fiancee think she’s fine af but don’t know if she meant that she might be interested down the road or if she’s not interested at all. We’ve been talking the past few days so that’s throwing me off and we’re going to be seeing her again for an upcoming concert.

Also what’s throwing me off is if she isn’t interested in the threesome fun wouldn’t she have shut down the idea right away? She did seem interested while we had drinks once she found out we were open/polyam but I can’t tell.

 

[Evie]

“thank you! but i’m not looking for threesome fun right now”

Honestly, this usually means never. It's just trying to avoid conflict with the person asking. Enjoy the friendship. Let go of any hope for that threesome.

 

[bingobongo]

Honestly, this usually means never. It's just trying to avoid conflict with the person asking. Enjoy the friendship. Let go of any hope for that threesome.

We didn’t ask her or mention a threesome though that’s the thing, I just messaged her saying I think she’s cute too and her mind immediately went to threesome.

 

[bingobongo]

Honestly, this usually means never. It's just trying to avoid conflict with the person asking. Enjoy the friendship. Let go of any hope for that threesome.

I had no intentions of mentioning a threesome cuz that’s my partners friend, we were planning on seeing where things went naturally

 

[Evie]

Then she's doing a preemptive strike. She's probably had other couples ask before. Just let it go.

 

[Magdlyn]

I had no intentions of mentioning a threesome cuz that’s my partners friend, we were planning on seeing where things went naturally

Are you in the habit of flirting with your wife's friends? I mean, this is a common scenario for you, to hear a woman thinks you're cute, and you go out of your way to return the compliment? If so, why do you do that? To see if this can go in a sexual direction? Was sex with her your goal? Do you often do casual sexual threesomes with your wife and random women?

It sounds like your wife was being your... wingman? Telling you her friend thinks you're cute so that you can reach out and see where that goes.

Does this usually work, but this time you're not sure what this friend is thinking?

 

[ref2018]

To be honest, I find it really creepy when I turn someone down by saying something "soft" like "not now" and they hang around like bees near the honey all "well, if not now, then *when*?" It really gives off predatory-incel vibes.

tl;dr Your wife's friend is not into you. Don't be a creep. Let it go.

 

[SquishyHusk]

I think that Danielle was just congradulating her friend on finding a cute boy. It doesn't indicate any interest on Danielle's part.

 

[Ariakas]

Are you in the habit of flirting with your wife's friends? I mean, this is a common scenario for you, to hear a woman thinks you're cute, and you go out of your way to return the compliment? If so, why do you do that? To see if this can go in a sexual direction? Was sex with her your goal? Do you often do casual sexual threesomes with your wife and random women?

It sounds like your wife was being your... wingman? Telling you her friend thinks you're cute so that you can reach out and see where that goes.

Does this usually work, but this time you're not sure what this friend is thinking?

hahaha you pretty much described my 20s and 30s. hahaha

To be honest, I find it really creepy when I turn someone down by saying something "soft" like "not now" and they hang around like bees near the honey all "well, if not now, then *when*?" It really gives off predatory-incel vibes.

tl;dr Your wife's friend is not into you. Don't be a creep. Let it go.

This is likely close, however. from experience, not now might be literal. I have had a not now, stay friendly, kept it light and didn't push anything. Later on things did progress to a threesome. So it depends on the person, scenario, life.

Not now, might also be code for "she wants to make sure you guys aren't toxic, lets see how your respond to this"..

Either scenario above is a simple "no worries, thanks for clarifying, look forward to the next time we can hang out". Thats it. No push, no hints. just a friendly cool beans and thank you.

 

[Inaniel]

It looks like you have some confusion about why your intentions were so immediately clear. Let me break it down for you.

Complimenting a friend’s new partner is pretty standard platonic etiquette, and it was aimed at your fiancée, not at you. Saying something like “Well done, he’s a great catch” is a classic way of acknowledging your fiancée’s choice without any hidden agenda towards you.

If the friend had any interest in flirting with you, she would have done so directly. So when you decided to send her flirtatious texts the next morning, it was unsolicited and obvious this wasn’t some subtle signal; it was a blatant indication that you were looking for something more than just a friendly chat.

Her direct response was an attempt to clear up any confusion and set boundaries. By being so direct, she hoped to avoid any further confusion on the matter. Yet here we are...

Moving forward, avoid flirting with her altogether.

And for future reference, even if someone does flirt with you over drinks, you flirt back in that moment! Not the next morning via text.. Do you understand the "why" behind what I am trying to convey here?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello bingobongo,

I don't suppose Danielle has a plan for maybe wanting a threesome in the future; she just knows she doesn't want one now. When she says you're cute, I don't think she's enclosing a message between the lines, she just thinks you're cute and that's all. I suggest you just continue to be friendly towards her, without pushing for something more. If she wants more in the future, she can be direct and explicit about that.

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.