Vanilla bean

[MichelleT]

I am new to this whole Poly thing. I've always been interested in it and Have enjoyed my solo time with him and loved it with all 3 of us together. I recently met up with a couple that I completely adore both of them, they're new into doing solo stuff, And I just don't know how to handle when I should ask for a solo date? when I should ask for all 3 of us to get together? It has only been a few weeks since we've all actually just met. Can someone please explain, or maybe even suggest how to look up what is proper in asking for solo dates, for all 3 of us getting together or just in general anything.

 

[Bobbi]

There aren't any "rules of etiquette". Just ask. You should be having one on one dates with each that want to build a relationship with you. If they say group dates only then run.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am new to this whole poly thing. I've always been interested in it and have enjoyed my solo time with him and loved it with all 3 of us together.

Who is "Him" and the other? A different couple than the below?

I recently met up with a couple that I completely adore both of them, they're new into doing solo stuff, And I just don't know how to handle when I should ask for a solo date? when I should ask for all 3 of us to get together? It has only been a few weeks since we've all actually just met. Can someone please explain, or maybe even suggest how to look up what is proper in asking for solo dates, for all 3 of us getting together or just in general anything.

I'm not sure what other research you've done into polyamory generally, and managing a triad specifically. Please check out our resources list here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

Triads are the hardest form of polyamory to do. There are three dyads in a triad, and the feelings and dynamics will develop at different rates. You're in NRE right now, hormones are at a fever pitch. As you continue to date them, the dynamics will change-- how you feel about each person, and how each of them feels about you. Also, you have to negotiate "couple privilege," their status as a longer-term established couple (perhaps even married) affects how you will "fit in."

It sounds like all your dates so far have been as three? I hope they are amenable to having solo dates and solo sex. Some so-called poly couples aren't, because they fear it will threaten their relationship. The sooner you find this out, the better!

Personal anecdote: I once dated a guy for a short time who had a long-term gf. He brought her along on our first date for dinner, and I liked her very much. My second date was with him alone. My third date was mostly a sex date with both of them. It actually went well. We had sex as a three, but he didn't cum because he was so busy orchestrating everything (he was a Dom). After getting dressed and chatting for a while in the living room, he indicated he wanted more sex, and his gf wasn't interested, so she gave her blessing for us to go off and do it one on one.

Finally, I had one more date with him, but he had to let me go because of issues with his kids' custody, and his ex (their mom) making his life complicated. It seemed to be going well up to that point, because the gf was chill and tolerant of the guy and me being alone together... I mean, she was his sub, so whatever he said, she was likely to agree to. It's too bad I didn't get to see where this could have gone.

I hope your couple is as chill and welcoming! Just remember they are individuals, not a Borg (Star Trek reference).

 

[MichelleT]

There aren't any "rules of etiquette". Just ask. You should be having one on one dates with each that want to build a relationship with you. If they say group dates only then run.

Who is "Him" and the other? A different couple than the below?

I'm not sure what other research you've done into polyamory generally, and managing a triad specifically. Please check out our resources list here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

Triads are the hardest form of polyamory to do. There are three dyads in a triad, and the feelings and dynamics will develop at different rates. You're in NRE right now, hormones are at a fever pitch. As you continue to date them, the dynamics will change-- how you feel about each person, and how each of them feels about you. Also, you have to negotiate "couple privilege," their status as a longer-term established couple (perhaps even married) affects how you will "fit in."

It sounds like all your dates so far have been as three? I hope they are amenable to having solo dates and solo sex. Some so-called poly couples aren't, because they fear it will threaten their relationship. The sooner you find this out, the better!

Personal anecdote: I once dated a guy for a short time who had a long-term gf. He brought her along on our first date for dinner, and I liked her very much. My second date was with him alone. My third date was mostly a sex date with both of them. It actually went well. We had sex as a three, but he didn't cum because he was so busy orchestrating everything (he was a Dom). After getting dressed and chatting for a while in the living room, he indicated he wanted more sex, and his gf wasn't interested, so she gave her blessing for us to go off and do it one on one.

Finally, I had one more date with him, but he had to let me go because of issues with his kids' custody, and his ex (their mom) making his life complicated. It seemed to be going well up to that point, because the gf was chill and tolerant of the guy and me being alone together... I mean, she was his sub, so whatever he said, she was likely to agree to. It's too bad I didn't get to see where this could have gone.

I hope your couple is as chill and welcoming! Just remember they are individuals, not a Borg (Star Trek reference).

I am referencing the same couple. I just worded it differently in both places. My thing is, they are new to doing this, only a couple of months, maybe a month into it. She's been into it longer than her boyfriend. The thing I'm having a little bit hard time understanding is he was so gung ho in the beginning, you know, messaging me constantly about how great things we're gonna be, how he can't wait to have solo time with me. His girlfriend was in agreement with it completely, but then after we had our weekend solo while she was gone on her weekend, the messaging slowed way down.

Don't know if I should be thinking he's just comfortable with how it's going right now and he doesn't feel he needs to message, or maybe he's just feeling a little bit guilty about what he did because he is more new to all this than she is. I've been told a couple of times by both of them individually that they really like me, they like all of our time together, and they don't feel any "threat" to us having solo time with either person.

This guy did tell me though that he feels more like it's a control thing if he can see me and her together, rather than her on her solo dates, cause that makes him question things, meaning, if she is on a solo date with somebody and he's not there to watch.

 

[Albert Ross]

Go then, there are other worlds than these.

I'm just saying, this sounds like you're a guinea pig for this couple's early, awkward foray into open relationships. You do you, but that doesn't sound hell-yeah awesome.

 

[Bobbi]

My thing is, they are new to doing this, only a couple of months, maybe a month into it. She's been into it longer than her boyfriend.

This is what you should be concerned about. They just started and haven't really worked through things. It's an experiment. It could work if all of you put in the work, but it's unlikely. If you keep seeing them, I wouldn't get super involved, and I'd be relieved at the slow down in texts. Know that at any time it could end, and if you can't handle that much ambiguity then get out now.

messaging me constantly about how great things were gonna be

All good and dandy before you met. Also meaningless. I've connected amazingly with people before meeting and when we met there was nothing there. Compatibility needs to be figured out in person over time.

This guy did tell me though he feels more like it's a control thing if he can see me and her together, rather than her on her solo dates, cause that makes him question things.

So he's insecure and wants to control the situation (yellow flag), does he? Or does he manage his feelings while she goes out solo anyway and not take it out on her when she gets back? That's the work that he needs to do... it's hard work.

 

[MichelleT]

You all have had great input for me to consider! I really appreciate it! I've pretty much detached myself from any feelings, before any of this happened just so it'll be easier when I see things aren't going positively.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MichelleT,

While you are enjoying your time with this couple so far, it sounds like they have some issues and as you said they have only been doing this poly thing for a month or two. You are smart to detach yourself from any feelings, as things with this couple could turn south. In the meantime, if you want a solo date with either of them, go ahead and ask. And if you want to be with both of them, go ahead and ask that too.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[MichelleT]

Hello MichelleT,

While you are enjoying your time with this couple so far, it sounds like they have some issues and as you said they have only been doing this poly thing for a month or two. You are smart to detach yourself from any feelings, as things with this couple could turn south. In the meantime, if you want a solo date with either of them, go ahead and ask. And if you want to be with both of them, go ahead and ask that too.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Kevin T.,
This couple has been dating for 2 years, the guy that is with her has known about her Poly situation during that time and they've had couples nights, went out to certain venues, blah blah,. The only thing that is really new with both of them is having solo dates! Meaning they've only been doing solo dates for the last couple of months. And she was the one that initiated that not him

 

[Magdlyn]

They are new to doing this, only a couple of months, maybe a month into it. She's been into it longer than her boyfriend. The thing I'm having a little bit hard time understanding is he was so gung ho in the beginning, you know, messaging me constantly about how great things we're gonna be, how he can't wait to have solo time with me. His girlfriend was in agreement with it completely, but then after we had our weekend solo while she was gone on her weekend, the messaging slowed way down.

So you did have one solo date with the guy. Let's call them Sky and Belle. Sky, the guy, was messaging you a lot before or just after you met, but now he's slowed down. And he's already said he'd rather watch you and Belle do the sex, because he will question polyamory's benefits otherwise. He wants there to be "something for him" as Belle has her gay sex.

As Bobbi said, there are yellow flags here. Maybe even red flags.

Polyamory's first rule is open and honest communication. If they just jumped into opening their relationship, they might have no idea what they're doing. Check out the books on our resource list. Maybe you should all read the most basic book at least, Opening Up. And there are articles about the first steps to take when opening, the rights of "secondaries" (that's you), the hazards of triads, etc. Do your research. Ask them questions and get good answers that reassure you you are being used as toy to spice up their faded sparks.

Don't know if I should be thinking he's just comfortable with how it's going right now and he doesn't feel he needs to message, or maybe he's just feeling a little bit guilty about what he did because he is more new to all this than she is.

Ask! "I wondered why you're messaging me less now that you were before. I liked keeping in touch. Is everything okay? Is there a problem with us having had a solo date?"

It's possible to just date one member of an established couple. Just because they're together and into threesome sex doesn't mean it's the perfect deal for a bisexual person to step in, and fit right in.

I've been told a couple of times by both of them individually that they really like me, they like all of our time together, and they don't feel any "threat" to us having solo time with either person.

But you don't trust that they actually feel this way.

This guy did tell me though that he feels more like it's a control thing if he can see me and her together, rather than her on her solo dates, cause that makes him question things, meaning, if she is on a solo date with somebody and he's not there to watch.

"A control thing" is not a good thing. No one person of a dyad should be controlling what the other one does in bed or on dates. If he feels insecure, he should read the book Polysecure to come from a place of confidence.

 

[MichelleT]

Kevin T.
She has been Poly, I'm not sure how long I think it's been years and she brought him into it when they started dating.

 

[kdt26417]

Okay, that makes sense.
It sounds like maybe they were doing some swinging originally?

 

[MichelleT]

Okay, that makes sense.
It sounds like maybe they were doing some swinging originally?

They're not really swingers, is what they both told me.
They like their "circle" small, meaning she has 3 lovers, and I believe what she had said is she loves 2 of them but is more friends with the other one and he only has 1 that he solo dates and I'm the second 1 to come in!
Our first solo date trip was for 2 nights, And originally it was supposed to be for 5 nights , but on the 3rd day he said I'm gonna have to cut it short because I feel like I'm betraying her. And I'm assuming he said this because it's all very new to him. I told him I understood, But after he dropped me off at home the more I thought about it the more I was super confused as to actually thinking that he just used me!

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, he definitely has some issues he needs to work out.
Don't give up on the situation, just be cautious and aware that all things are not perfect.

 

[MichelleT]

Yeah, he definitely has some issues he needs to work out.
Don't give up on the situation, just be cautious and aware that all things are not perfect.

Right now I'm just laying back.... and let him contact me instead of me bombarding him with all types of questions or concerns. If honesty and openness are what is very important to them, then I'm thinking I will hear from him when he is ready

 

[kdt26417]

That's probably the best way to approach the situation, for the moment.

 

[Magdlyn]

They like their "circle" small, meaning she has 3 lovers, and I believe what she had said is she loves 2 of them but is more friends with the other one

So Belle has 3 lovers including Sky, the guy you're dating, or 4 including him?

and he only has 1 that he solo dates and I'm the second 1 to come in!

And Sky has Belle, plus another woman, let's call her Cindy, AND you?

That's not a "small" poly-dating network.

Our first solo date trip was for 2 nights, And originally it was supposed to be for 5 nights , but on the 3rd day he said I'm gonna have to cut it short because I feel like I'm betraying her.

How long had you been dating when you went on this 5 day trip with Sky (that was cut short)?

Most typical poly overnights, especially with someone who is already part of a couple, is only 1 night. 5 days really seems too long.

And I'm assuming he said this because it's all very new to him. I told him I understood, But after he dropped me off at home the more I thought about it the more I was super confused as to actually thinking that he just used me!

Used you for what? It sounds like Belle was going away for 5 days with someone else herself, so she told him he should too? And he wasn't ready?

 

[MichelleT]

So Belle has 3 lovers including Sky, the guy you're dating, or 4 including him?

And Sky has Belle, plus another woman, let's call her Cindy, AND you?

That's not a "small" poly-dating network.


How long had you been dating when you went on this 5 day trip with Sky (that was cut short)?

Most typical poly overnights, especially with someone who is already part of a couple, is only 1 night. 5 days really seems too long.

Used you for what? It sounds like Belle was going away for 5 days with someone else herself, so she told him he should too? And he wasn't ready?

We had only 1 "date", And a couple nights later it was all 3 of just so she can meet me.
When me and him went on our first date, he was showing me pictures of the place he wanted to go to, and I said it looked beautiful I would love to see it "sometime", and then he suggested well I'm going there on this date would you like to go? and then we can come back On Monday night and you can stay until Tuesday afternoon, and then I said that sounded great. When I mentioned being used, I meant it just sounded like he just wanted to see how things worked out between him and I, then he decided to cut it short, and just decided to take me home.

 

[Magdlyn]

We had only 1 "date", And a couple nights later it was all 3 of just so she can meet me.

So you had one date with Sky, and then a date with both of them to meet Belle. Have you not had sex with Belle? Are you ladies planning on a sexual romantic relationship with each other, or is she just your metamour, the partner of your partner? I am confused.

And after your first date with Sky, I assume just a regular dinner date, with our without sex, you agreed to go on a 5-day vacation trip with him? That was a leap.

When me and him went on our first date, he was showing me pictures of the place he wanted to go to, and I said it looked beautiful I would love to see it "sometime", and then he suggested well I'm going there on this date would you like to go? and then we can come back On Monday night and you can stay until Tuesday afternoon, and then I said that sounded great. When I mentioned being used, I meant it just sounded like he just wanted to see how things worked out between him and I, then he decided to cut it short, and just decided to take me home.

Well, dating is about meeting someone and seeing if they suit you. If he decides you're not right for him, it doesn't mean you were used, it just means he wasn't into you.

 

[MichelleT]

So you had one date with Sky, and then a date with both of them to meet Belle. Have you not had sex with Belle? Are you ladies planning on a sexual romantic relationship with each other, or is she just your metamour, the partner of your partner? I am confused.

And after your first date with Sky, I assume just a regular dinner date, with our without sex, you agreed to go on a 5-day vacation trip with him? That was a leap.

Well, dating is about meeting someone and seeing if they suit you. If he decides you're not right for him, it doesn't mean you were used, it just means he wasn't into you.

On the first date that I had with him it was just to see if we both got along, both clicked, stuff like that. The rule was that there was to be no intercourse, involved only kissing. Then when I went over to meet her for all 3 of us to meet up, that's when we all intertwined with each other, let's just say that. During mine and his date that night, that's when he mentioned going away with him.