Am I Wrong?

M

Monopoly1

New member
I could really use some advice. My wife and I are in a poly relationship, after being monogamous marriage for 20 years. We’ve been to therapy separately and couples therapy together. We have set agreements and I have my boundaries. We’ve had ups and downs, but overall it’s been ok. I haven’t dated anyone, just some online dynamics. I’m definitely more into ENM, but she’s more into polyamory.

Two days ago, I matched with a woman online and we had a good connection. It’s very rare to match on an app, as I suspect many men here can attest. During this initial conversation, the woman asked for some consent from my wife that we were in an open/ poly relationship. My wife agreed and the consent was transmitted to the new connection.

The next thing that’s important to know is that my wife does use apps to meet people, but she also just meets men out in the wild and makes connections. Of course, none of them are poly. Because I’ve read a lot and seen the negative stories, I know that those relationships generally don’t end well, because monogamous people want monogamous relationships. I expressed my concerns, but she didn’t want to hear it. So I butted out.

Last night she went on a date with her current boyfriend. This is their 5th or 6th date, which generally have been around 4 hours each, with one in which she met some of his friends. After their date, this person expressed some kind of concern about me and they felt something was wrong.

So this morning she asked me if I would write a message like she had. This set me off because it seemed so weird. Also I was just overly emotional and wasn’t my best. I then learned that he hadn’t asked for the message. She wanted it. Additionally, she had never told him about our arrangement and boundaries. This really upsets me. She’s just involved with some guy that knows she’s married, who isn’t poly, and has no details about our relationship. Am I wrong to be upset with this? I definitely wasn't listening well because I was so emotional. I wish I’d handled it better, but I don’t think my issues are off base.

Edit to add: She was up front that she was married and poly. As far as I know that is all she said. She didn't review the structure and I don't believe she told him she was dating others.
 
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Am I reading this right? She has had five or six dates with a guy that thought the whole time she was cheating on her husband?
Sounds like a red flag to me.
 
I'm sorry you are upset.

I have a hard time with things not in chronological order. Let me repeat back what I understand. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok? The order of how things happened goes something like this...
  • Wife is dating Guy.
    • She was up front that she was married and poly.
      • As far as you know that is all she said to Guy at that point in time.
  • Last night she went on a date with Guy.
    • This is their 5th or 6th date
    • After their date, this person expressed some kind of concern about you and they felt something was wrong.
      • What did Guy think was wrong?
  • This morning wife asks you to write a message that you consent to open marriage/dating other people. Similar to what she did for you to help reassure your potential.
    • This upset you because something about it felt off?
      • You asked more questions. You learned...
        • Guy didn't ask for that kind of reassurance directly. She was asking for it to reassure him with.
        • She never told him about the open marriage agreements and boundaries you and her have and how those might affect their dating life on that side of the V.
        • Guy knows she's married to you. But she never told him she ALSO dates other people besides you and Guy.
        • Guy is not actually poly. He's monogamous but playing the field right now? Seeking casual? Something else?
        • If your wife is taking advantage of Guy somehow in his naivety, you don't want to help her do that?

Is that what is upsetting you? Those parts in red? You find your wife's way of practicing poly kinda... shady? Weird? Something else?

And learning all that and/or about this side of her made you upset/emotional? You look at her different now?

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry you are upset.

I have a hard time with things not in chronological order. Let me repeat back what I understand. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok? The order of how things happened goes like this...
  • Wife is dating Guy.
    • She was up front that she was married and poly.
      • As far as you know that is all she said to Guy at that point in time.
  • Last night she went on a date with her current boyfriend.
    • This is their 5th or 6th date
    • After their date, this person expressed some kind of concern about you and they felt something was wrong.
      • What did they thing was wrong?
  • This morning wife asks you to write a message that you consent to open marriage/dating other people. Similar to what she did for you to help reassure your potential.
    • This upset you because something about it felt off?
      • You asked more questions. You learned...
        • Guy didn't ask for that kind of reassurance directly. She was asking for it to reassure him with.
          • She never told him about the open marriage agreements and boundaries and how those might affect their dating life
          • Guy knows she's married to you. But she never told him she ALSO dates other people besides you and Guy.
          • Guy is not actually poly. He's monogamous but playing the field right now? Seeking casual? Something else?
          • If your wife is taking advantage of Guy somehow, you don't want to help her do that.

Is that what is upsetting you? Those parts in red? You find your wife's way of practicing poly kinda shady?

And learning all that or about this side of her made you upset/emotional?

Galagirl
Click to expand...

You did a better job of summarizing it than me :D

Yes. those things in red basically are what upset me. Am I off base? And if not, what do I do?
 
We were posting at the same time.

Ok, thanks for verifying that I got the order more or less right and it's the red parts that bug you.

I can only tell you what I would do in these shoes. If all this was bothering me:

  • She never told him about the open marriage agreements and boundaries and how those might affect their dating life
  • Guy knows she's married to you. But she never told him she ALSO dates other people besides you and Guy.
  • Guy is not actually poly. He's monogamous but playing the field right now? Seeking casual? Something else?
  • If your wife is taking advantage of Guy somehow, you don't want to help her do that.

I'd tell wife if I write to Guy I plan to go, "Hi, I'm the spouse. I've agree to practice open marriage. It is consenting. Our agreements are ___. I'm cool with my wife dating me, you, and whoever else she's dating."

I'm going to be honest and upfront with him. That is how I carry myself.

But if he later gets mad at her that SHE left things out, and he had to learn about it from my message, I'd expect that they could sort all that out between themselves on their side of the V.

So does she still want me to send this message of consent?

If she gets mad at me for wanting to be super honest and upfront in my message, I'd ask her what she thinks she'd like me to do instead. And if they are unrealistic, unreasonable, or irrational things, I would DECLINE her request to do those things, and I would DECLINE to send this message. I'm not up for hinky.

Sometimes you just have to butt out because sometimes people have to learn the hard way. It doesn't mean you don't care about your wife, but it DOES mean if she's doing wonky things, has skills yet to learn, etc., you step back, give her room. And if she makes messes, you expect her to clean up her own messes. And you put your foot down on any of those messes leaking over on to you. Sloppy hinges stink.

I think you will find your way of practicing poly is going to be different than your wife's way of practicing poly. In the small things, you might not care. People are different, so their poly practice CAN be different. Like you are ready for overnights with a new potential sooner than she is, or vice versa.

In terms of general honesty though, you might want to talk to wife about being honest and up front with all parties. Consent matters.

It may not seem obvious right now, but if she's not being honest with her potentials and leaves things out with them, eventually YOU will wonder what she might be leaving out with YOU. What are you being kept in the dark about?

How is it that she wants to proceed?

Have the needed talks you need to have.

Galagirl
 
Thought of another perspective...

Is wife wanting you to do her hinge jobs FOR her?

Like telling Guy all this stuff is really her job as the hinge, but then she wants you to message and "fill him in" for her? So she doesn't have to do it?

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Thought of another perspective...

Is wife wanting you to do her hinge jobs FOR her?

Like telling Guy all this stuff is really her job as the hinge, but then she wants you to message and "fill him in" for her? So she doesn't have to do it?

Galagirl
Click to expand...
I don't know. Maybe?
 
Hello Monopoly1,

I think you should tell your wife that before you send this guy a message declaring your consent, you would like her to clear a few things up with him. You would like her to tell him about the open marriage agreements and boundaries you have. You would like her to tell him that she is dating more guys besides just you and him. Tell her that after she gets him up to speed on those matters, then you will send him the message she wants you to send. Anyway that is my first thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I don't know. Maybe?
Click to expand...

Well, if she is, that is another way to be a sloppy hinge. Some people do that kind of thing. They also push for KTP so the metas have to sort out all the plans among themselves, getting the hinge off the hook. They successfully offload their hinge jobs onto other people to do it for them.

Again... Decide your limits for what you are and are not willing to do. Then have the needed talks with your wife. That is my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
Another perspective...write the message she asked for, just like you had previously asked for, and leave her to her relationship. Honestly, your concerns sound a little paternalistic.
 
Great example of why dating non-poly people can be tricky. But OK, let's go with what is here. It sounds like your wife DID say that she is poly and thus in an open marriage. I'm not sure what is confusing her boyfriend. I can say that my wife dated a guy who knew everything but STILL thought of himself as cheating because she's married. It was messy, but it was her problem not mine (mostly...things like that bleed over insofar as tension is tension and if my wife is upset, it affects me). I met the guy in person. I'm not sure what writing a letter would do. If he doesn't trust the situation, how does he know you even wrote it? He either trusts your wife or he doesn't.

It's not your job to convey your relationship boundaries. It's hers. So I wouldn't include those in my letter. But if you want to write a note saying "Hey, I'm aware of you, and ok with it" I don't see how it would hurt. I don't think it will solve the problem though, because I suspect this guy is starting to get feelings and wishes you didn't exist (not in a malicious way...he just wants a monogamous relationship). Probably won't end well, but that's also not on you .
 
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