Help! :')

[Adri3nXX]

Hello community! I'm relatively new to the poly scene. I've been in 3 poly relationships so far, but the one I'm in is the most serious I've been in as of yet. I have 2 partners, currently in a V, as in I'm dating each of them but they aren't involved with each other.

We've been having issues after about 2 or 3 months since I began dating my 2nd. Me and my first have been together for almost 2 years now.
My second is newer than us, as this is not only his first ever serious relationship, but also his first poly.

He opened up to me about serious feelings of jealousy towards my other partner whenever I left to go back to him, as soon as I started staying nights at my #2's, as well as having trouble sleeping and feeling separation anxiety whenever I was gone. It has been effecting not only our relationship, but mine and my #1's as well.

I'm worried about one of my relationships ending due to this conflict, as my #2 begs me to stay just one more day and my #1 gets less and less of my time because I can be a bit of a pushover and usually agree.

Please give this 18 year old some advice. I'm sure y'all have A LOT more experience and knowledge of how to handle and fix this than I do.

 

[Evie]

Number 2 isn't going to get used to polyamory. You can't fix it. Get out now, for both of your sakes. You and he dating is just traumatising #2 (and possibly causing his difficulties with separation anxiety to escalate) and doing #1 a disservice.

I had my own #2 like this once. The kindest thing was to stop seeing him so he would stop spiralling whenever I wasn't there. He would leave increasingly angry messages on my phone. He would threaten to harm himself. He would get intoxicated more and more often, I was worried about his work since driving was a part of his job. He would tell me how wonderful I was and then how terrible I was. He just couldn't accept polyamory and it was hurting both of us.

Alternatively, send him to a psychiatrist and be prepared for a really rocky ride while he learns secure attachment. But don't try and fix his insecurities yourself, you can't love someone into being happy with polyamory.

 

[Albert Ross]

after about 2 or 3 months since I began dating my 2nd

having trouble sleeping and feeling separation anxiety whenever I was gone

If I'm reading this correctly, your new partner of 2–3 months has trouble sleeping and experiences separation anxiety when you aren't around. Is that correct?

Leaving polyamory aside for a moment, that is not healthy adult behaviour. You said this is #2's first relationship, and, fair enough! They're not a bad person, there's nothing wrong with them for feeling this way; but being that emotionally dependent on a partner, especially one they've only been dating for a few months, means they have a lot of emotional growth and work they need to do.

As much as you care for them, you can't do that work for them. And you have a whole-ass other relationship you need to keep taking care of:

my #1 gets less and less of my time because I can be a bit of a pushover and usually agree.

Gently, being a pushover is something that you need to work on. It's good to know this about yourself! But being a people pleaser does not work out well (ever, but especially) in polyamorous relationships, where you must do your best to balance the needs of all of your partners with your own needs.

This may all sound like "You're doing it wrong!" but, look: I think all this is probably very normal stuff to go through when you're young, figuring out who you are, and how to have relationships.

Wishing you luck, and feel free to keep asking questions and sharing your experiences here.

 

[MeeraReed]

You're 18...which should be a fun and free age to be exploring yourself and figuring out YOUR life.

Do you have any nights where you sleep alone / live by yourself? (That could include being in a college dorm or with your family of origin).

You really should be having some time to yourself, not just feeling like you're the rope in a tug of war between two partners.

Albert Ross is totally right that Partner #2 is not exhibiting healthy behavior regardless of poly or mono. He can't sleep well without you? How did he sleep 3 months ago before he met you?

If you weren't dating anyone else, would Partner #2 be upset about you splitting time between him and your own place/your parents' house/your college and needing time apart from him that had nothing to do with being poly?

If so, he's not ready to date anyone yet.

If not, and he's exhibiting separation anxiety JUST as a reaction to you being poly--then Evie is right and you should kindly break up with him so that he can find a monogamous partner.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Adri3nXX,

Tell your #2 he must stop having jealousy feelings about your #1, explain that even though you love your #1, that does not mean you love your #2 any less. Your #2 is probably afraid that you will leave him for your #1, explain to your #2 that in poly, nobody has to break up with anybody.

Hopefully that helps,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Please give this 18 year old some advice. I'm sure y'all have A LOT more experience and knowledge of how to handle and fix this than I do.

I noticed you are 18. Are your other partners also teens?

Do you all live in your own spaces/homes/dorms/etc.?

My second is newer than us, as this is not only his first ever serious relationship, but also his first poly.

That's going to be a problem then, because he's basically an untried dating partner. SOMEONE has to be the first dating partner, and you happen to be it for him.

But due to his own inexperience, is he jumping into a poly V without enough education on that? Is he getting TOO latched on to you, after only 2-3 months of dating? Did #2 agree to poly just to get dating access to you, and not because they gave poly much thought? Would he have agreed to anything, just to get to date you, or just to date, period? Did he figure that if he could get you to like him "more," eventually you would drop everyone else and be with him only, so he is trying to suck up all your time and attention?

If anything like that is going on, that's not healthy sounding.

Also, you do not exist to be his "life raft" person.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

He opened up to me about serious feelings of jealousy towards my other partner whenever I left to go back to him, as soon as I started staying nights at my #2's, as well as having trouble sleeping and feeling separation anxiety whenever I was gone.

Dating people should not cause THIS much disturbance or distress. It's okay to be excited, nervous, etc., during the early stages of dating someone. But still... it's just dating people.

You are 18; this is too much pressure on you. He should not be using you or dating you as his "medicine" or "coping thing."

How was he sleeping/coping before you arrived 2-3 months ago? You are not his woobie.

Alternately, he's doing fine and just TELLING you all that, because he knows you are a softie and then he gets what he wants -- you here tending to him some more with all attention on him. Tread with caution. There is such thing as love-bombing.

My #2 begs me to stay just one more day, and my #1 gets less and less of my time because I can be a bit of a pushover and usually agree.

Begging is not attractive, not is being a pushover, nor is neglecting your other partner, taking them for granted, or standing them up. So be sure to set boundaries and keep your word. Becoming a balanced hinge takes some personal work. If you are flimsy with your word, over time NEITHER partner is going to trust you.

Have you poly-dated other people while partnered to #1? Was #1 was fine with it? Is it just that THIS new partner of yours is really latching on to you, and you're letting him, whereas previous partners were okay with sharing your time and attention?

If #2 is becoming an issue, and you find yourself caretaking them or trying to "manage them" so they chill out, rather than them managing themselves, you might choose to drop #2.

You could move on to poly-dating other people, while still dating #1, who carries themselves better.

#2 is not a BAD person, just maybe not compatible with what you want. They might be happier dating monogamously, so there's less to deal with.

You might also check the Scarleteen boards and the guide there:

A First Polyamory Guide

(Mostly) everything (okay, okay, not mostly everything, but a lot) you wanted to know about polyamory.

www.scarleteen.com

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

He opened up to me about serious feelings of jealousy towards my other partner whenever I left to go back to him.

These feelings are normal. It's his job to gain the skills to handle his feelings, and they should get better over time. That being said, this being his first serious relationship will make things harder, because he is completely inexperienced in relationships and poly.

as soon as I started staying nights at my #2's, as well as having trouble sleeping and feeling separation anxiety whenever I was gone.

So the jealousy started once you started overnights with #2? Maybe you need to pare back on the overnights until he learns to manage his feelings. He shouldn't have trouble sleeping because you aren't there, this is NRE. He needs to also learn to cope with how NRE is affecting him.

I'm worried about one of my relationships ending due to this conflict, as my #2 begs me to stay just one more day and my #1 gets less and less of my time because I can be a bit of a pushover and usually agree.

If you don't learn good hinging skills you may lose BOTH relationships. To be a good hinge, you need to be able to own and enforce your decisions. "No" is an essential word to be able to say and mean. You cannot say it nicely, flirty or submissively. You must say it like you mean it. Own it. And enforce it.