Mono/Poly Relationships

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GabetheBabe

New member
Hi Everyone,

This is my first post, hopefully I'm doing it right! I discovered I was poly in 2018 and have been ethically practicing it since 2021. It's been a wild, hard, but fulfilling journey. I've learned a lot about myself and have realized how deeply wired I am towards polyamory. Not only that, I have learned a lot about what types of polyamory practice and theory I need in my partners (i.e. non-hierarchical, community based, decolonized, very least garden-party metas, etc.).

I recently met a woman and we instantly had a deep connection. I've honestly never felt anything as powerful as quickly as that connection before. Like, for the first week after our initial date, I was having an intense physical and emotional reaction to her. Literally felt like I was on drugs: loss of sleep, elevated heart rate, intense waves of dopamine, and well, effects that viagra induces... After the second date, my body thankfully regulated.

In the past I've had long-term deep committed relationships, all which took a good amount of time for my partners and me to get to that deep level of connection. To my surprise, on the first date she was already really into me (we had met a couple months before and had lightly kept in touch over social media). I'm not someone who is easily able to find people I'm fully attracted to and have them feel the same towards me. Usually I entangle myself with people who I either find physically (less often) or personality (more often) as attractive -- hard to find someone who is both. But I did with this woman. All that to say, she was "perfect," in that regard and I hadn't been so happy in years.

Only two major problems: I'm deeply kinky and polyamorous and she is deeply vanilla and monogamous.

I told her on the first date that I was poly and she got really sad. But we said we would just flow for a little and see how it went. On the fourth date (after 3 mind-blowingly wonderful dreamlike dates), I sat her down and said that I couldn't be mono for her. But I told her I was down to do the hard work and explore a mono/poly relationship. The night ended in tears and she decided to end things, as it would "literally" make her feel "sick" knowing I was seeing other people. Mono is non-negotiable for her, as poly is for me. It broke my heart though, that she would want 0% of me, rather than 80%, if she couldn't have 100%.

I'm feeling really pissed off at the universe for throwing this at me after I was finally feeling stable and empowered to be single after a 6-month break from any kind of entanglement. And I'm feeling a bit of an existential crisis about choosing polyamory over someone who made me really happy (regardless of being vanilla + mono). The last person the universe introduced me to who I was super into took place a year ago (but she didn't like me back). I can't help but ask myself: "Will I ever be in a healthy loving polycule?" "Am I doomed to fall in love with people who I'm ultimately not compatible with, or am compromising with either physically or emotionally?" "What is wrong with me to throw away such a special connection?"

I've had a lot of loving support on this from friends, but they are all, for the most part, mono, so there's still a barrier of understanding. I think what I'm wondering is if anyone has figured out compromises between a strictly mono and deeply poly partnership. I assume there's no saving this connection, but I'd still like to know. The only ones I could think of is DADT (which she said no to), or that I would be mono for a period of time (didn't think of that till too late, but I doubt she'd be down + seems pretty drastic?). The other thing I'm wondering is if anyone has any resources on the existential crisis bit of this. It's one thing to practice polyamory, to read about it, and to believe in it. But it's another to double-down on it and deny yourself potential happiness, even if that happiness may not be sustainable.

Thanks, everyone, for reading this far. Much love.
 
GabetheBabe said:
It's one thing to practice polyamory, to read about it, and to believe in it. But it's another to double-down on it and deny yourself potential happiness, even if that happiness may not be sustainable.
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I think I've mentioned this on here before, but I have a friend who, in short, has a lot of obstacles when it comes to finding reliable, well-matched partners.

My personal opinion is that she should drop the "must be poly/okay with poly" aspect to her dating criteria. Why?

1) She doesn't have the time or energy for more than one serious relationship. The times she has sustained more than one relationship, they were unfulfilling and/or harmful relationships that didn't meet her needs, and that is why one filled in some of the gaps of the other.

2) Her lack of intimate companionship reduces her quality of life, in addition to the existing obstacles. The poor experiences with people mentioned previously leaves her jaded. This becomes a vicious circle, where the better matches are repelled by her chronic low mood.

3) In (shared and agreed) hindsight, the best matches have been people ultimately seeking monogamy, and partnered people haven't been good matches. Of course, there are more monogamous people, and some of her personality traits/limitations may be more suited to people who aren't very adventurous, for want of a better word.

I think she is in danger of never having a fulfilling partnership again if she insists on polyamory. I wish she would risk commiting to monogamy with one good match and see what happens.

The kink thing is harder to solve in one sense, in that if you can't share that intimacy with a mono partner, I think it makes you incompatible. But I also know far more people who have fully embraced kink after meeting a kinky partner than I do poly people.
 
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GabetheBabe said:
if anyone has figured out compromises between a strictly mono and deeply poly partnership?
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No. It's like being with someone who wants kids and you don't, or they want to live in Antarctica and you don't. You want poly and she doesn't. Any compromise on her part is not going to happen. So the ball is in your court.

Either you choose monogamy, her version of monogamy, or you part ways. That's the only choice here. Doing something you know you'll hate for the sake of keeping someone will make you resent and even hate her over time. This is also why smart poly people will only date poly people. No point in even getting to know someone if they don't want what you want. You are now experiencing the pain of not doing that firsthand. But please don't put her on a pedestal. You don't know her yet. She's still a stranger you've dated a few times. NRE makes everyone seem perfect. It sounds like she had qualities you've never experienced in one person before, but beyond that, she's still a stranger.

Don't get discouraged though. Your perfect person might be the next date or the 50th first date. The more you know what you want, the better your chances of finding it.
 
Hey Gabe

Damn that must feel really unfair. The universe puts this amazing person in your life and then gives you two incompatible relationship preferences. I'm glad both of you are honouring your own needs by sticking to your values, though, as much as it sucks.

Although we often call relationships where only one person is seeing others, mono-poly, it's not really accurate is it? The non dating partner isn't mono in the same way this woman is. The non dating partner has to be good with their partner dating, which is as much of a poly mindset as being a hinge, really. I've seen a few so called mono-poly relationships fall over because at the end of the day, the mono person was actually really mono, and eventually they were honest with not coping with what they perceived as a part time partner. At least this lady knows herself from the get go.

I hope you find someone relationship compatible in the not too distant future.
 
Thanks so much everyone for chiming in so quickly. Really appreciate it and makes me feel heard.

SeasonedPolyAgain, you have an interesting point and I really appreciate you giving a different side to this. I think there is something to be said in terms of becoming more lax about being strictly poly -- in that it might prohibit really special connections from taking shape. Maybe I have become too militant in being polyamorous? That being said, I am quite different from your friend in that I do have time and energy for multiple relationships and have really felt fulfilled when I've had more than one. The people I've most recently dated have't left me jaded, rather I have gained valuable life lessons and have learned more about myself. And I'd say the healthiest partner I've dated so far was poly and we had such a great time exploring polyamory together. I honestly wish so badly I could be content with either mono or poly, but I know that drive for more partners will never switch off until I am polysaturated.

I think you are totally right though, the kink thing does make us sadly incompatible. I could introduce her and teach her as much as I can, but there is a huge limitation because she does't get turned on by any type of pain (acute or not) or slight discomfort. It would be really hard to give up polyamory and kink all in one swoop.

Bobbi, Thank you so much for the tough love and directness. As an optimist I think I was in denial about the fact that there is probably no compromise for such a situation. And you're right: In my early 20s I was in a 5 year relationship and discovered I was non-mono. Instead of breaking up I buried my needs and conformed to monogamy for another 2 years. I eventually ended up in a weird state of being in love with my partner but also resenting her. And eventually I ended up cheating a few times. I would never want risk seeing and treating another human in that light again. Yes, I am feeling the consequences! haha but that NRE felt better than heroin; truly cosmic! Lesson learned. I also really appreciate you pointing out to not put her on a pedestal. She is a stranger, a stranger for some reason my body and soul want to entangle with deeply, which is wild given I don't actually know her too well.

Evie, I really appreciate your understanding of the unfairness of the situation! Sometimes the universe can be very mean! It's taken me a long time to be able to honor my own needs. In that 5 year early 20s relationship it was pretty much a one way street for my ex partner. I was continuously giving and not getting my needs met. I've had a lot of growth thankfully since then. But in this case, it does really suck. You're also completely right I think in that even though it's called a "mono/poly" relationship, it's not actually honoring the possibility of the two values coexisting under one roof. At the end of the day she said "I think, for me, monogamy is also a non-negotiable, same as polyamory is for you. I think I've realized that a big part of how I receive love is by my partner being with just me intimately." I've done so much mono deprograming I actually find this hard to understand! ...But I suppose there's no getting around that statement other than suppressing my needs/values and choosing monogamy, which would feel like a huge backtrack I suppose.

Thank you all so much, this has been really cathartic. I wont give up hope just yet!
 
Hello GabetheBabe,

Mono/poly relationships can be done, but only if both parties are consenting. It sounds like this woman you recently met is not consenting. She doesn't want a mono/poly relationship, she wants a mono/mono relationship. It's too bad she feels that way, I can see that the two of you were perfect for each other in every way except for that one little thing. Okay, maybe not so little.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin,

Thanks so much for your response! Yes I suppose the bottom line was there was no way she was going to consent to a mono/poly relationship. Or at least have some open dialogue to start an ongoing conversation about potential options which would last more than an evening. It's too bad, given the connection and attraction we had for each other. Alas.

Many thanks for the sympathies!
 
No problem. I hope you get some healing in the coming weeks.
 
GabetheBabe said:
That NRE felt better than heroin; truly cosmic! Lesson learned. I also really appreciate you pointing out to not put her on a pedestal. She is a stranger, a stranger for some reason my body and soul want to entangle with deeply, which is wild given I don't actually know her too well.


Thank you all so much, this has been really cathartic. I wont give up hope just yet!
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It is weird when someone is so immediately attractive, even as a stranger. Some say it's their smell, the most primal sense. Some say the beloved seems to be a perfect combination of your trusted childhood loved ones, a mother, a father, perhaps a sister or brother.

I'm pagan, but I am not very "woo," but I used to wonder also if this attractive stranger (whether romantically/sexually attractive, or just someone who felt like a best friend from the moment you met) wasn't the reincarnation of someone you knew in a former life and were deeply entangled with...

I hope you get this feeling again, with an appropriate poly person (or three!).
 
Magdlyn said:
I used to wonder also if this attractive stranger (whether romantically/sexually attractive, or just someone who felt like a best friend from the moment you met) wasn't the reincarnation of someone you knew in a former life and were deeply entangled with...
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That's my belief. I have no idea if reincarnation exists, but these people are just so connected to me, and this sense of "knowing" them-- there really isn't much explanation for it. To me it makes more sense than religion or belief in God.
 
I can't help but believe in reincarnation. It explains a lot of my connections, in my mind.
 
Your dating partner may have felt the same. But, being monogamous, she didn't want to have to sit at home while you go off and feel this way all over again bout the next woman. She would prefer a partner willing to sustain focus on one r'ship. Just think, now you get the fun of dating & catching feelings all over again
 
Magdlyn said:
It is weird when someone is so immediately attractive, even as a stranger. Some say it's their smell, the most primal sense. Some say the beloved seems to be a perfect combination of your trusted childhood loved ones, a mother, a father, perhaps a sister or brother.

I'm pagan, but I am not very "woo," but I used to wonder also if this attractive stranger (whether romantically/sexually attractive, or just someone who felt like a best friend from the moment you met) wasn't the reincarnation of someone you knew in a former life and were deeply entangled with...

I hope you get this feeling again, with an appropriate poly person (or three!).
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Thanks Magdlyn, I hope I get this connection again too. Three would be great haha but totally happy with one or two.

I'm Jewish (culturally) Pagan (spiritually) and love your thoughts on this. In all honesty I was quite blown away. It was a very strange experience. Like the first date with this stranger (which turned into a whole weekend) felt so natural as if we had been seeing each other for at least a year. Everything from how we touched each other to just sitting next to each other watching Netflix. I've never felt so deeply connected instantaneously before. I know she felt the same because she said so. We must of known each other in a past life... or maybe in a future one or had already been dating in a parallel universe. Maybe twin flames? I'm not woo in any sense, but it's experiences like this that make me question the universe.

It's quite special, and honestly I've been in a slight existential crisis about the whole ordeal. How can someone get so close to my soul while at the same time be so different? There are definitely some deeper lessons to be explored here...
 
LoveBunny said:
Your dating partner may have felt the same. But, being monogamous, she didn't want to have to sit at home while you go off and feel this way all over again bout the next woman. She would prefer a partner willing to sustain focus on one r'ship. Just think, now you get the fun of dating & catching feelings all over again
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You're right, but it was deeper than this too. There was a visceral reaction when I said I was poly. I like the term monogamy moral panic: a made up term that describes the intense reaction monos get towards polyamory, like disgust, anger, or fear. With her it was a mixture of that and immense sadness and misunderstanding.
 
GabetheBabe said:
You're right, but it was deeper than this too. There was a visceral reaction when I said I was poly. I like the term monogamy moral panic: a made up term that describes the intense reaction monos get towards polyamory, like disgust, anger, or fear. With her it was a mixture of that and immense sadness and misunderstanding.
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Yes, I think your experience here (the existential crisis part in particular) is largely because of her extremely adverse reaction to the idea of poly.

She "got very sad" upon hearing that you're poly on the first date, when it should be too early to have strong feelings at all. The first date should be for getting to know someone and asking things about each other, including being open to hearing unexpected things. It sounds like she jumped to "immense sadness and misunderstanding" rather than trying to understand your philosophy of dating.

However, if monogamy is necessary for her, it's good that she stuck to her guns, rather than make herself miserable trying to be okay with non-monogamy. We see so many posts here from mono people in absolutely miserable situations with poly partners.

I know what you mean about that knee-jerk "moral panic" reaction some mono people get upon hearing about polyamory. As a non-monogamous person, it makes me want to "spread the word" and educate people more widely about ENM and about questioning the cultural conditioning about monogamy.

But, I think some people have those knee-jerk reactions because they are genuinely wired for monogamy and don't need to try another relationship style.

The first time an acquaintance told me about his poly relationship, my knee-jerk reaction was "That sounds awesome!" It was like a lightbulb went off for me. I had already been questioning monogamy and seeking non-monogamy, but that brief conversation clarified for me that there was indeed a particular way of dating that appealed to me.

So, what I mean is, someone who is open to poly dating WON'T have the kind of adverse knee-jerk reaction this woman had.
 
Thanks for your message, Meera. I agree with everything you said. Quite an existential crisis, indeed! It does seem, though, hard as it is, we both made the right decision to stick to our values. Everyone seems to agree settling is not the way.

It also makes me want to spread the word. But it does seem some are wired for monogamy. My knee-jerk reaction to learning about non-monogamy also sparked intrigue and excitement. I remember the first time I learned I could love two people at once. It was such a lightbulb mind-blowing moment. How could I ever go back after discovering this!?

Yeah definitely, this woman was the first I've come across as having an adverse reaction to the very thought of poly. Everyone else I've met has either dabbled or never tried, but interested, poly, or like "that's cool, happy to be FWBs with you, but at some point I'll be mono with someone."

It's an interesting situation, given the polar opposites we are in terms of relationship style, mixed with the unique deep connection we felt towards one another.
 
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