speakyourtruth
New member
Hi all 
New to this forum, so please be gentle.
Before I discovered this community, I tried Reddit. The post was flagged by their mods for "Incest or incest adjacent situations" which honestly sent me into an emotional tailspin. I live in a pretty conservative area, I'm not 'out' to my family (they know I'm bi, but don't know I'm poly) and I don't have a lot of poly friends, so it's easy to have days where you feel really bad about yourself or like you're some sort of freak in comparison to everyone you know. Seeing that my post got modded out of the /polyamory subreddit made me feel like I was every bit as gross as I had feared.
The relationship I'm seeking advice on below, in my view, is not incestuous because the siblings in question would not live together, sleep together, etc. They would not be in a romantic partnership with one another. If you feel otherwise, I'd love to hear your feelings on it, provided they're expressed in a respectful way. It's been a complex situation to navigate.
Characters:
Me = me; cis-female; 31yo; bi
Apple = my partner; cis-male; 33yo; straight
Evergreen = Apple’s sister; cis-female; 28yo; lesbian
Hibiscus = Evergreen’s partner; cis-female; 28yo; lesbian
The Current Relationship Structure is separate like this:
H – E
. A – M
What I wish for:
ABOUT ME:
I'm in one of those "bi wife energy" couples—we swap gender roles pretty easily, we're pretty switchy in bed, and we're pretty openminded about the world and have pursued queer community everywhere we've gone. Think: grown up theatre kids.
We’ve been in a highly-committed open relationship for nearly 12 years. We have been through so many difficult periods of life, we've really grown up together, and I feel our relationship is rock solid. I also love his family. I love his family so much it makes me question a lot of things about my own upbringing. His parents have shown me so much love and grace, and I feel so much affection and duty toward them. I have gotten to know his sister (I'm going to call her Evergreen) and her partner (Hibiscus) quite well over the last 2 years, and I adore them. The four of us get along so well. We live several hours apart but love it when we can make time to visit. Holidays with that family are an absolute blast.
THE SITUATION:
Earlier this year, coincidentally as I was processing some crazy grief over the loss of a family member, I found a private moment and blurted out to Evergreen that I had a crush on her (which I’ve had for a year). She took it very calmly and seemed open to talking it out, but very surprised and unsure how to navigate. She immediately told Hibiscus (good!) and Hibiscus freaked out (bad!). I think the way I shared it was very awkward; I clearly hadn't figured out all my feelings yet and sort of just dumped a lot a their doorstep. And I think Evergreen sort of did the same thing to her partner. She didn't know what she thought or felt about it, but what was most important to her was maintaining connection with Hibiscus. So, IMO she sort of bypassed figuring out her own feelings and boundaries, and instead just defaulted to whatever Hibiscus told her was acceptable or not.
They are not poly, as far as I know, and they don’t know that I’m poly. I got the sense that they were mostly just upset because they assumed I meant to leave Apple and “steal” Evergreen, which was NOT on the table. To be clear I didn't proposition Evergreen or anything. I didn't really have a motive in mind, but I basically recklessly lobbed the ball into their court. And afterward we didn’t find a good opportunity to talk it out all together.
It ended up blowing over: I think they assumed it was a weird side effect of my grief. (I sort of let them believe that) Hibiscus did freak out, but we ended up speaking directly about it and I was able to calm her down. I may have downplayed my feelings a bit to do so — which in hindsight feels a little like self betrayal. And I ended up having a one-on-one conversation with Evergreen as well, where I think I was a bit more generous with details on the depth of my feelings, but maybe deflected or ignored any of the sexual / romantic attraction I was feeling, because at that point, after speaking with Hibiscus, I felt pretty disgusting and predatory. (Predatory as a result of internalized 'polyphobia' and shame for any and all desire; not because I actually did anything predatory!) And after all of this I can’t tell what exact part was so freak-out worthy: Was it the assumption of infidelity? Or that Apple and Evergreen are family? Or is the idea of a poly lifestyle what’s upsetting?
Now, it's been about 6 months. In the weird dystopian novel that is my life, we've had several natural disasters in my area since then that have really drawn focus away from love life and intimacy. But we're starting to settle back in now. And those same feelings for Evergreen are resurfacing.
It's easier to deal with now, because I know she at least has an inkling that I'm interested in her. But, as I said, I think they convinced themselves it was a phase, and—for convenience's sake—I've let them. But I find myself doing extra things for her. I'll prep her breakfast. Or I'll make something special the way she likes it. I'll leave her little gifts or say unexpected compliments. I'm awkward and half the time I can't make eye contact with her, but the other half of the time I feel like we look straight into each others' souls. It feels very “in between”. Like: we’re so intimate already in some completely platonic ways.
WHERE I'M AT:
I’m feeling pretty bummed that I can’t even talk about these feelings as a means of resolving them. I've basically resigned myself to love Evergreen deeply my whole life. And I think I will always be attracted to her, whether that gets an outlet or not. I will get to see her at holidays and I guess that will have to be enough.
And, yes, I would like to pursue a life that keeps her close by. A life where we always live in the same city, where I get to take her on little dates and trips and explore our attraction. Where we could all four grow old together, watching each others' kids and planning holidays and celebrating the gift we found in this incredible friendship!! I do not want to "steal her" from her partner. I do not want a triad with her and her brother. I just want to be close to her always and have the opportunity for one-on-one intimate moments... possibly playful moments if she had interest.
But after the knee-jerk reaction I got from Hibiscus earlier this year, I don't feel that a second discussion would be well-received by Hibiscus. Oddly, I feel like Evergreen and I could have a frank conversation about it and come out in a respectful and comfortable place. Somewhere that honors clear boundaries and gives her/them whatever space they need. But I just don't feel Hibiscus is ready to receive it with the same maturity.
Preventing me from having another conversation alone with Evergreen is: I don’t think she feels secure enough in the Hibiscus relationship to ask for a non-monogamous setup, even if it were what she wanted.
I just want to know! Under different circumstances, would Evergreen even find me attractive? (If no, then this whole romance thing is moot!) Have she and Hibiscus had conversations about monogamy and what the boundaries and expectations are in their relationship? If so, are there ways I could better respect those?
I also want to make sure she's understands my true feelings. Like I want her to see the purity and devotion (sorry for the melodrama - it's true though!) I have for her. It seems like a sad thing not to tell someone how much they mean to you.
HELP!
So, what do I do.
My partner suggested that I go to Hibiscus directly and have a conversation with her first. I love Hibiscus so much as a friend and I do not want to cause either of them pain. But going to the partner first sort of feels icky to me— as if Hibiscus “owns” Evergreen. And I feel like I owe that connection (my connection to Evergreen) more respect than that.
I've fantasized about just pulling Evergreen aside and telling her all of this. "I like you: if you would never be attracted to me in any universe, then that's great. Just say so. If that's not the case, then can you tell me what sort of relationship you're open to here?" Maybe also I would explain that Apple and I have already talked, and we are 100% solid. Maybe giving clarity on what I don't want (marriage, exclusivity) to make it feel a little less open ended and scary?
Or, like in all the stories, do I swallow the feelings, let Evergreen & Hibiscus go on assuming it was a weird phase, and try to get over it?
I feel the need to be honest, but not at the expense of their happiness or our relationships.
Truly any advice or life stories would be helpful.
New to this forum, so please be gentle.
Before I discovered this community, I tried Reddit. The post was flagged by their mods for "Incest or incest adjacent situations" which honestly sent me into an emotional tailspin. I live in a pretty conservative area, I'm not 'out' to my family (they know I'm bi, but don't know I'm poly) and I don't have a lot of poly friends, so it's easy to have days where you feel really bad about yourself or like you're some sort of freak in comparison to everyone you know. Seeing that my post got modded out of the /polyamory subreddit made me feel like I was every bit as gross as I had feared.
The relationship I'm seeking advice on below, in my view, is not incestuous because the siblings in question would not live together, sleep together, etc. They would not be in a romantic partnership with one another. If you feel otherwise, I'd love to hear your feelings on it, provided they're expressed in a respectful way. It's been a complex situation to navigate.
Characters:
Me = me; cis-female; 31yo; bi
Apple = my partner; cis-male; 33yo; straight
Evergreen = Apple’s sister; cis-female; 28yo; lesbian
Hibiscus = Evergreen’s partner; cis-female; 28yo; lesbian
The Current Relationship Structure is separate like this:
H – E
. A – M
What I wish for:
ABOUT ME:
I'm in one of those "bi wife energy" couples—we swap gender roles pretty easily, we're pretty switchy in bed, and we're pretty openminded about the world and have pursued queer community everywhere we've gone. Think: grown up theatre kids.
We’ve been in a highly-committed open relationship for nearly 12 years. We have been through so many difficult periods of life, we've really grown up together, and I feel our relationship is rock solid. I also love his family. I love his family so much it makes me question a lot of things about my own upbringing. His parents have shown me so much love and grace, and I feel so much affection and duty toward them. I have gotten to know his sister (I'm going to call her Evergreen) and her partner (Hibiscus) quite well over the last 2 years, and I adore them. The four of us get along so well. We live several hours apart but love it when we can make time to visit. Holidays with that family are an absolute blast.
THE SITUATION:
Earlier this year, coincidentally as I was processing some crazy grief over the loss of a family member, I found a private moment and blurted out to Evergreen that I had a crush on her (which I’ve had for a year). She took it very calmly and seemed open to talking it out, but very surprised and unsure how to navigate. She immediately told Hibiscus (good!) and Hibiscus freaked out (bad!). I think the way I shared it was very awkward; I clearly hadn't figured out all my feelings yet and sort of just dumped a lot a their doorstep. And I think Evergreen sort of did the same thing to her partner. She didn't know what she thought or felt about it, but what was most important to her was maintaining connection with Hibiscus. So, IMO she sort of bypassed figuring out her own feelings and boundaries, and instead just defaulted to whatever Hibiscus told her was acceptable or not.
They are not poly, as far as I know, and they don’t know that I’m poly. I got the sense that they were mostly just upset because they assumed I meant to leave Apple and “steal” Evergreen, which was NOT on the table. To be clear I didn't proposition Evergreen or anything. I didn't really have a motive in mind, but I basically recklessly lobbed the ball into their court. And afterward we didn’t find a good opportunity to talk it out all together.
It ended up blowing over: I think they assumed it was a weird side effect of my grief. (I sort of let them believe that) Hibiscus did freak out, but we ended up speaking directly about it and I was able to calm her down. I may have downplayed my feelings a bit to do so — which in hindsight feels a little like self betrayal. And I ended up having a one-on-one conversation with Evergreen as well, where I think I was a bit more generous with details on the depth of my feelings, but maybe deflected or ignored any of the sexual / romantic attraction I was feeling, because at that point, after speaking with Hibiscus, I felt pretty disgusting and predatory. (Predatory as a result of internalized 'polyphobia' and shame for any and all desire; not because I actually did anything predatory!) And after all of this I can’t tell what exact part was so freak-out worthy: Was it the assumption of infidelity? Or that Apple and Evergreen are family? Or is the idea of a poly lifestyle what’s upsetting?
Now, it's been about 6 months. In the weird dystopian novel that is my life, we've had several natural disasters in my area since then that have really drawn focus away from love life and intimacy. But we're starting to settle back in now. And those same feelings for Evergreen are resurfacing.
It's easier to deal with now, because I know she at least has an inkling that I'm interested in her. But, as I said, I think they convinced themselves it was a phase, and—for convenience's sake—I've let them. But I find myself doing extra things for her. I'll prep her breakfast. Or I'll make something special the way she likes it. I'll leave her little gifts or say unexpected compliments. I'm awkward and half the time I can't make eye contact with her, but the other half of the time I feel like we look straight into each others' souls. It feels very “in between”. Like: we’re so intimate already in some completely platonic ways.
WHERE I'M AT:
I’m feeling pretty bummed that I can’t even talk about these feelings as a means of resolving them. I've basically resigned myself to love Evergreen deeply my whole life. And I think I will always be attracted to her, whether that gets an outlet or not. I will get to see her at holidays and I guess that will have to be enough.
And, yes, I would like to pursue a life that keeps her close by. A life where we always live in the same city, where I get to take her on little dates and trips and explore our attraction. Where we could all four grow old together, watching each others' kids and planning holidays and celebrating the gift we found in this incredible friendship!! I do not want to "steal her" from her partner. I do not want a triad with her and her brother. I just want to be close to her always and have the opportunity for one-on-one intimate moments... possibly playful moments if she had interest.
But after the knee-jerk reaction I got from Hibiscus earlier this year, I don't feel that a second discussion would be well-received by Hibiscus. Oddly, I feel like Evergreen and I could have a frank conversation about it and come out in a respectful and comfortable place. Somewhere that honors clear boundaries and gives her/them whatever space they need. But I just don't feel Hibiscus is ready to receive it with the same maturity.
Preventing me from having another conversation alone with Evergreen is: I don’t think she feels secure enough in the Hibiscus relationship to ask for a non-monogamous setup, even if it were what she wanted.
I just want to know! Under different circumstances, would Evergreen even find me attractive? (If no, then this whole romance thing is moot!) Have she and Hibiscus had conversations about monogamy and what the boundaries and expectations are in their relationship? If so, are there ways I could better respect those?
I also want to make sure she's understands my true feelings. Like I want her to see the purity and devotion (sorry for the melodrama - it's true though!) I have for her. It seems like a sad thing not to tell someone how much they mean to you.
HELP!
So, what do I do.
My partner suggested that I go to Hibiscus directly and have a conversation with her first. I love Hibiscus so much as a friend and I do not want to cause either of them pain. But going to the partner first sort of feels icky to me— as if Hibiscus “owns” Evergreen. And I feel like I owe that connection (my connection to Evergreen) more respect than that.
I've fantasized about just pulling Evergreen aside and telling her all of this. "I like you: if you would never be attracted to me in any universe, then that's great. Just say so. If that's not the case, then can you tell me what sort of relationship you're open to here?" Maybe also I would explain that Apple and I have already talked, and we are 100% solid. Maybe giving clarity on what I don't want (marriage, exclusivity) to make it feel a little less open ended and scary?
Or, like in all the stories, do I swallow the feelings, let Evergreen & Hibiscus go on assuming it was a weird phase, and try to get over it?
I feel the need to be honest, but not at the expense of their happiness or our relationships.
Truly any advice or life stories would be helpful.
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