Bf wants a throuple

M

Morri

New member
I'm super new to ENM and polyamory. I've been with my bf 6 months and he's always been clear he wants some kind of non-monogamy. He's always talked about wanting a throuple, but also having an open relationship where he can sleep with whoever he likes (he's straight), and I can only sleep with cis women (I'm pan. That annoyed me honestly). I told him I'd be up for being open, but only if I didn't have a gender limitation. He's not ok with that, so being open like that is now off the table. He's now focusing on wanting a throuple.

I'm open to it. I've been reading books and articles and thinking a lot. I could see us with a third (cautiously. I'm aware of unicorn-hunting and that it has many issues, I don't want to hurt anyone). But I'm struggling to tell if the way he's thinking about it is misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic, and it's making me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to try to bring a third into something like that. All my friends are monogamous, so I don't feel like I can talk to them about it. I think they'd err on the side of moral outrage just because having more than two people in a relationship inherently feels unhealthy to them. I can't tell if I'm feeling suspicious of him in this way because I'm mind-reading / overthinking. I tried to talk to him about it recently, but I didn't do a good job. I think I hurt his feelings and he's shut down a bit.

I know I'm on the backfoot already. Am I in the right place to talk about this please?
 
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Morri said:
I'm super new to ENM and polyamory. I've been with my bf 6 months and he's always been clear he wants some kind of non-monogamy. He's always talked about wanting a throuple, but also having an open relationship where he can sleep with whoever he likes (he's straight), and I can only sleep with cis women (I'm pan. That annoyed me honestly). I told him I'd be up for being open, but only if I didn't have a gender limitation. He's not ok with that, so being open like that is now off the table. He's now focusing on wanting a throuple.

I'm open to it. I've been reading books and articles and thinking a lot. I could see us with a third (cautiously. I'm aware of unicorn-hunting and that it has many issues, I don't want to hurt anyone). But I'm struggling to tell if the way he's thinking about it is misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic, and it's making me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to try to bring a third into something like that. All my friends are monogamous, so I don't feel like I can talk to them about it. I think they'd err on the side of moral outrage just because having more than two people in a relationship inherently feels unhealthy to them. I can't tell if I'm feeling suspicious of him in this way because I'm mind-reading / overthinking. I tried to talk to him about it recently, but I didn't do a good job. I think I hurt his feelings and he's shut down a bit.

I know I'm on the backfoot already. Am I in the right place to talk about this please?
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My take is that if you are already feeling qualms, even to the point of already feeling guilty bringing a third person "into this", then your bf isn't the right person to have a throuple with. I say this as someone in a fully active triangle throuple and thrilled to death. So I'm not anti throuple. But....... This just sounds like a guy who wants to get laid by two women, and has other issues behind it. I don't know enough to say that for sure, but that's my impression from reading your post
 
I hope you feel a bit better for airing out some.

I've been with my bf 6 months and he's always been clear he wants some kind of non-monogamy.
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So you two don't have any monogamous agreements? You haven't promised monogamy, but you also haven't figured out what KIND of non-monogamy to practice. Is that where this is? It's only 6 months in, so you haven't had the relationship defining talk about "What is this? Where is this all going?"

I could be wrong, but it sounds like this to me:
  • He might want "open for him, but not for you," but does not to want to say it out loud unless it serves his wants or fantasies.
    • He's not up for open where both of you can date any gender you are attracted to.
      • He wants to date whoever he wants without your interference
      • He wants to tell YOU who to date, even though you are your own person and get to date whoever you want without his interference.
  • He seems to want a one-penis policy. His is the only one in your world.
  • He's approaching this triad thing like a "loophole" where he gets to share sex with other women any way AND limit who you get to date.
    • Why do you have to enter a triad with EACH OTHER?
      • Can you have a triad with 2 other people, and date him separately?
      • Can he have a triad with 2 other people, and date you separately?
But I'm struggling to tell if the way he's thinking about it is misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic, and it's making me uncomfortable.
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You are the one actually there. You are the one who actually knows him and if he's misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic or not. It kinda sounds like he IS.

You have only been dating him 6 months. New relationship energy (NRE) lasts 6-24 months, then the pink, fluffy clouds lift and you see the person without the rose-colored glasses. If you don't like what you see; if he doesn't make the cut for what you want in a dating partner, it's okay to end it and move on. After a time of healing from the breakup, you can choose to explore polyamory on your own, WITHOUT this person.

All my friends are monogamous, so I don't feel like I can talk to them about it. I think they'd err on the side of moral outrage just because having more than two people in a relationship inherently feels unhealthy to them.
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Kind of selling your friends and yourself short. There's nothing wrong with "I don't want any poly for me. I prefer monogamy. But I'm glad you are happy doing your poly thing." What stops you from being honest with your friends? Poly people need support systems.

If these friends really are like that, you need to find better friends who accept you and love you for who you are. Better you find out sooner rather than later who your real friends are.

There are also things that are just unhealthy in ANY relationship model. Misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic stuff would fall into that category, to me. So would these:


Galagirl
 
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SamanthaTX said:
You are already feeling qualms, even to the point of already feeling guilty bringing a third person "into this", then your bf isn't the right person to have a throuple with.
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I am, but I’m wondering if I’m being fair to him in having those qualms. I think I wouldn’t be feeling this way so much if he hadn’t initially been really into a one-penis policy. Honestly, I’d love a conversation about this too. Do one-vagina policies exist, and if not, why not? LOL Is that rule in itself misogynistic and a big red flag?

He’s also really into me finding a girlfriend. He floated the idea. It’s not something I need, but it could be fun. I’ve asked him why he doesn’t feel threatened by a woman, and I find that a bit insulting to FF relationships, and to me personally as a pan person. I’m also not comfortable dating a woman where the bottom line is (as he wants), that after a while, if she weren’t up for dating him too, then I’d have to leave her eventually. That is not okay to me. I’m not doing that.

I would really like to make this work. There are things about the relationship that I have never had before, and I’m 40, so I feel like that’s big news and worth fighting for. If I’m being unfair to him, then I want to be aware of that and work on it, rather than just bow out.

We’re currently monogamous and just us. Just trying to find openness terms we’re both happy with. (In response to someone else’s post. I have to do stuff now but will come back and reply to everyone properly.)
 
You're not being unfair to him. OPPs (and yes, OVPs exist too, and are just as problematic) usually indicate deep underlying insecurities that are fundamentally incompatible with egalitarian polyamory or any kind of healthy enm. Get out now and find someone else who isn't just trying to fulfil fantasies.
 
Morri said:
I am but I’m wondering if I’m being fair to him in having those qualms. I think I wouldn’t be feeling this way so much if he hadn’t initially been really into a one-penis-policy. Honestly, I’d love a conversation about this too. Do one-vagina policies exist, and if not, why not? LOL Is that rule in itself misogynistic and a big red flag?

He’s also really into me finding a girlfriend. He floated the idea. It’s not something I need, but it could be fun. I’ve asked him why he doesn’t feel threatened by a woman, and I find that a bit insulting to FF relationships, and to me personally as a pan person. I’m also not comfortable dating a woman where the bottom line is (as he wants), that after a while, if she wasn’t up for dating him too, then I’d have to leave her eventually. That is not okay to me. I’m not doing that.

I would really like to make this work. There are things about the relationship that I have never had before, and I’m 40, so I feel like that’s big news and worth fighting for. If I’m being unfair to him, then I want to be aware of that and work on it, rather than just bow out.

We’re currently monogamous and just us. Just trying to find openness terms we’re both happy with.
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Ok, but your argument isn't, "I'm 40, and everyone has downsides, and I want to give this a chance a bit longer to be sure because of age." Your argument is all of that, PLUS let's add a really stressful/difficult dynamic, that might hurt a third person, and see if that accentuates the problems that already exist.

At very least, he doesn't sound like a good candidate to be in a POLY relationship with (of any type).
 
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SamanthaTX said:
Your argument is all of that, PLUS let's add a really stressful/difficult dynamic, that might hurt a third person, and see if that accentuates the problems that already exist.
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I would never invite a third person right now. Our communication isn’t good enough for it and I clearly don’t trust his motivations. What I’m trying to figure out is if there is any point in me holding onto this relationship. He’s made it pretty clear that he’s not into two-people-monogamy long term. So if I think that ultimately his whole take on what that looks like is unreasonable and red-flaggy, then I guess I should think of leaving (although I really really don’t want to).

Is there really no way to see what he wants as healthy or reasonable? I was kinda hoping someone would say something along the lines of "Sure, you’re not in a good place to do any of this right now together, but I think it’s possible his heart is in the right place and maybe with time and communication… etc.”, and maybe help me see it from a new perspective that I hadn’t considered.

Gutted that that feels unlikely. But I’m very appreciative to everyone who’s taken the time to read and respond.
 
Morri said:
I would never invite a third person right now. Our communication isn’t good enough for it and I clearly don’t trust his motivations. What I’m trying to figure out is if there is any point in me holding onto this relationship. He’s made it pretty clear that he’s not into 2-people-monogamy long term, so if I think that ultimately his whole take on what that looks like is unreasonable and red-flaggy then I guess I should think of leaving (although I really really don’t want to).

Is there really no way to see what he wants as healthy or reasonable? I was kinda hoping someone would say something along the lines of, "Sure, you’re not in a good place to do any of this right now together, but I think it’s possible his heart is in the right place and maybe with time and communication… etc.”, and maybe help me see it from a new perspective that I hadn’t considered.

Gutted that that feels unlikely. But I’m very appreciative to everyone who’s taken the time to read and respond.
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We don't know him. We can't say for sure, and some people on here act like they can. But the vibe I really, really, really get is that everything you are saying means he's not a good candidate for a POLY relationship. And if he is determined to be poly, I'd show his ass the door. I think I'd have a conversation, explaining why I was against poly (with him), stand your ground, and say either we do monogamous, at least for the foreseeable future (and maybe readdressing years from now if we are in a better place), or else I'm leaving.

I think the fact everyone on here (so far) is saying the same thing, says a lot IMO. There's what you wanted to hear, and then there's the fact you aren't hearing it.
 
GalaGirl said:
If these friends really are like that? You need to find better friends who accept you and love you for who you are. Better you find out sooner rather than later who your real friends are.

There's also things that are just unhealthy in ANY relationship model. Misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic stuff would fall into that category to me. So would these.
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I’ve tried talking to my friends already about being poly, and they all seem to have different levels of lack of respect for polyamory. Thinking it means people don’t really love each other. Stuff like that. It’s not great

Me worrying about misogyny/fetishistic/transphobic stuff has all been directly related to what he wants in terms of openness. He doesn’t say or do anything that makes me think that outside of our talks about this
 
SamanthaTX said:
I think the fact everyone on here (so far) is saying the same thing, says a lot IMO. There's what you wanted to hear, and then there's the fact you aren't hearing it.
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That’s fair, thank you. I think I need to take some time to really process what everyone has said, rather than hold on to what I was hoping for
 
Regarding the issue with your friends not being supportive of non-monogamy, I hear you. That's a common problem for non-monogamous people. We wouldn't need forums like this if we could get helpful advice from our friends!

It's not just a matter of finding better friends or more open-minded/supportive friends; I have had excellent friends for decades who are open-minded about everything except non-monogamy. It just seems to be a Thing People Cannot Deal With.

So, don't stress about that part. Although maybe you could try to find a local poly group in your area, if one exists, to meet poly-minded people.

However, unfortunately, as others have said, I'm not seeing anything redeeming in your boyfriend at all.

If poly people are supposed to be open-minded, he doesn't seem that way at all.
 
I’ve tried talking to my friends already about being poly, and they all seem to have different levels of lack of respect for polyamory. Thinking it means people don’t really love each other. Stuff like that. It’s not great.
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Is it because they are uneducated? When you say, "Did it ever occur to you some polyamorous people want MORE commitments, not less?" how do they respond?

Is this their blind spot, and they are good friends otherwise? It's not the same, but if you love knitting, you will enjoy your knitting-enthusiastic friends a lot more than your friends who are like, "It's cool you knit," but don't actually know about knitting techniques and yarns and all that. It may be you need a mix of friends.

It sometimes stinks when you are the first poly person someone knows. You don't necessarily feel like being the "educator friend." You have to decide which friends are worth keeping and which are not. And either way, you could still seek poly community and make poly friends. Not because you want to date them, but because they know where you are coming from and you don't have to EXPLAIN so much with them.

Me worrying about misogyny/fetishistic/transphobic stuff has all been directly related to what he wants in terms of openness. He doesn’t say or do anything that makes me think that outside of our talks about this.
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So this is about quantity to you? A little misogyny/fetishistic/transphobic stuff is ok to you? But you are trying to figure out "how much is too much"?

Knowing this about his character... would you want to do monogamy with him? Or would you be feeling icky knowing it's there under the hood?
 
I am, but I’m wondering if I’m being fair to him in having those qualms.
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It is fair to YOU to put this much energy into a 6 months-dating thing, barely out of the gate? Usually people are at their best in the early days. THIS is all he has for best? It's ok to walk away if he just doesn't make the cut for you.

Totally fair to him. If you don't make the cut for him, he can drop you too. That's what dating is for, getting to know people and figuring out the compatible ones. What's not fair about it?


I think I wouldn’t be feeling this way so much if he hadn’t initially been really into a one-penis-policy. Honestly, I’d love a conversation about this too. Do one-vagina-policies exist, and if not why not lol. Is that rule in itself misogynistic and a big red flag?
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Both OPP and OVP exist. I'm not a fan of either.

He’s also really into me finding a girlfriend. He floated the idea.
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Why? So eventually you, the honey bait, bring her home for him to fuck too?

I’m also not comfortable dating a woman where the bottom line is (as he wants), that after a while, if she wasn’t up for dating him too, then I’d have to leave her eventually.
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And if she doesn't want to fuck him too, then he expects you to dump her, and what? Go find him another one?

And you worry YOU aren't being fair to HIM?

I would really like to make this work.
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Why? It's okay to make it work for just YOU and move on.


There are things about the relationship that I have never had before, and I’m 40, so I feel like that’s big news and worth fighting for.
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Like what things? You can't get them with another dating partner instead?

Why do you have to "fight" for this relationship, rather than just share a relationship naturally with no "fighting?" You are already lovable. You don't have to jump through hoops to "prove" it.

If I’m being unfair to him, then I want to be aware of that and work on it, rather than just bow out.
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I think you are being unfair to YOURSELF. I'd go the other way. At 40, why on earth would you take on a "red flag fixer upper?"
  • He doesn't communicate well.
  • You don't trust his motivations.
  • You worry he is misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic.
  • He doesn't want monogamy.
  • He gets to date whoever.
  • You only date whom he "approves" of.
  • He wants a OPP.
  • He wants you to bring him back women he can date/fuck too rather than do his OWN other dating.
  • He expects you to dump them if they won't date him.

If I think that ultimately his whole take on what that looks like is unreasonable and red-flaggy, then I guess I should think of leaving (although I really really don’t want to).
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Why not? You don't want to aim for GREEN FLAG people to date instead? Why are you SO invested in a 6-months thing?

Is there really no way to see what he wants as healthy or reasonable? I was kinda hoping someone would say something along the lines of “Sure, you’re not in a good place to do any of this right now together, but I think it’s possible his heart is in the right place and maybe with time and communication…etc”, and maybe help me see it from a new perspective that I hadn’t considered. Gutted that that feels unlikely. But I’m very appreciative to everyone who’s taken the time to read and respond
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I think you see the writing on the wall and are dealing in anticipatory grief, specifically the bargaining stage, where you keep turning the pieces that don't work around and around trying to make them work ANYWAY. Could that be true?

It's a bummer to realize this about a dating partner. So I can understand feeling gutted. But this isn't a reason to STAY. :(

GG
 
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GalaGirl said:
So this is about quantity to you? A little misogyny/fetishistic/transphobic stuff is ok to you? But you are trying to figure out how much is "too much?"

Knowing this about his character... would you want to do monogamy with him? Or would you feel icky knowing it's there under the hood?
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The thing I’m struggling to figure out is whether the fact that he has suggested the one-penis policy, and then a throuple when that didn’t fly, de facto makes him misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic. Misogynistic because he is asking for something unequal, fetishistic because he thinks woman-on-woman is hot and not threatening, and transphobic because he wouldn’t be into me seeing trans women (because of possible penis). It all boils down to the one-penis policy.
 
Morri said:
The thing I’m struggling to figure out is whether the fact that he has suggested the one penis policy and then a throuple when that didn’t fly, de facto makes him misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic. Misogynistic because he is asking for something unequal, fetishistic because he thinks woman-on-woman is hot and not threatening, and transphobic because he wouldn’t be into me seeing trans women (because of possible penis). It all boils down to the one penis policy
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I don't think he's misogynistic. That implies woman hating. The term gets overused, and I don't see evidence of woman hating.

But a sexist double standard? That's showing red flags for me big time. Fetishistic for the reasons you describe? I think a moderately clear red flag there as well. Transphobic? For sure, though that might be less crucial to rather or not you want to date him since you, yourself, are not trans. But it still, at very least, draws attention back to all the red flags from the one-penis rule.

In short, lots of red flags.
 
GalaGirl said:
Like what things? You can't get them with another dating partner instead?
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I’ve never been with anyone I’ve felt so emotionally connected with and had such good communication with (although this week the communication levels feel bad).

I’ve had a lot of relationships. It feels rare.
 
I’ve never been with anyone I’ve felt so emotionally connected with and had such good communication with (although this week the communication levels feel bad)

I’ve had a lot of relationships. It feels rare
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Did he love bomb you at first?

health.clevelandclinic.org

What Is Love Bombing? 7 Signs To Look For

If you think your new relationship is too good to be true, you may need to look for red flags associated with love bombing. This form of psychological and emotional abuse is often disguised as excessive flattery. Here’s what to look for, how to stop it and how to recover from it.
health.clevelandclinic.org health.clevelandclinic.org

And now the mask is slipping and the "real him" is starting to pop out?

The thing I’m struggling to figure out is whether the fact that he has suggested the one penis policy and then a throuple when that didn’t fly, defacto makes him mysogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic. Mysogynistic because he is asking for something unequal, fetishistic because he thinks woman-on-woman is hot and not threatening, and transphobic because he wouldn’t be into me seeing trans women (because of possible penis). It all boils down to the one penis policy
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Are you getting bogged down in vocabulary? Because if he hits you with a hammer or a sledgehammer, or a jackhammer.... the bottom line is that it SUCKS, right? Why give a patootie about which specific one it was?

Read the bold.

If it's not what you want, won't fly with you, is not healthy, and has red flags... isn't that enough data to walk away and not date him any more?

Do you REALLY have to pinpoint if it was scarlet, wine, or cardinal red on the flags?

GG
 
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