He did. I’ve actually read that article, trying to figure this out. But I appreciate you linking it. Thank you
Bf wants a throuple
- Thread starter Morri
- Start date
You are welcome. So now there's a new one at the top of the list.
- He love bombed you.
- He doesn't communicate well.
- You don't trust his motivations.
- You worry he is misogynistic/fetishistic/transphobic.
- He doesn't want monogamy.
- He gets to date whoever.
- You only date who he "approves" of.
- He wants an OPP.
- He wants you to bring him back women he can date/fuck too rather than do his OWN other dating.
- He expects you to dump them if they won't date him.
It sounds like you see this is unhealthy and are kind of in shock that this happened to you. You weren't stupid. He was pretending/fronting to suck you in.
Dude is just not a healthy sounding person to be with now that you are out of NRE and see him in the light of day.
Super disappointing. But not a reason to stick around here longer.
Even if you are super new to ENM and polyamory? You are still the expert on YOU and what you will and will not put up with in a relationship. You get to decide what you are and are not up for. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU.
If this doesn't fly for you? It doesn't fly for you. Dude doesn't make the cut when measured against your personal standard for what you seek in a poly dating partner. Trust yourself.
GG
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I think you just answered that for yourself, so I'll just agree with you: Yes, all those things do make him de facto all those other things.
I'm glad he's openly communicating his red flaggy thoughts. /sarcasm
You're 40. That's not old. It's not young either. You're not over the hill. Many people in their 40s finally come truly into their own, become assertive, establish their authentic selves, get a little money maybe, pursue interests, and establish firm boundaries and standards around whom they want to form relationships with either romantic, familial or platonic.
I'm non-binary, polyamorous and pansexual. I left my ex-husband at age 52. I should've left him 10 years earlier, but mostly I stayed with him for the kids. We tried to do poly in our 40s. He wanted a triad. He wanted a OPP. When our unicorn didn't want me, he fell out of love with me and fell in love with her. He maintained a modified relationship with her until we split, and as soon as we did, she moved in with him.
I, on the other hand, went on to live as my authentic self. I have a (trans) female long-term partner and a long-term "questioning" queer-friendly male partner. I kept my standards high. I went through many relationships that didn't fully suit me. I gave up on finding the right man. (I was lucky to find my gf right away.) After I gave up, my bf found me on Fetlife, and we just casually started chatting as friends. After 3 years we met, when he began to pursue polyamory. He has a compatible style of poly to mine.
So... my little life story, just to add to the chorus of people who are telling you not to settle for less than you deserve. Avoid more fighting and heartbreak. Be true to yourself.
Also, welcome to the forums. Please check out our resources list to firm up your knowledge of healthy polyamory, so you have a firmer foundation.
I think if he's assuming that any woman you date ought to be willing to fuck him too, and that you'll be required to dump a girlfriend who likes you but who's not into him, then that does indeed sound misogynistic, because it is not giving women (either you or anyone you date) a lot of agency to make their own choices, and it's not acknowledging that women are people with feelings of their own, and are not REQUIRED to have sex with anyone.
I do not think it's an overuse of the term misogyny. "Hatred of women" takes particular forms in our society. Believing that women are required to do certain things and shouldn't have the agency to decline is a particular form that misogyny takes.
But I don't want to quibble about the definition of misogyny, so I hope that your boyfriend's view here is clearly noted to be absolutely red-flag problematic, regardless of whether it's misogynistic.
Regarding a One Penis Policy, there are some cases where I'm sympathetic to it. For example: Many times over the years, we have observed straight married men come here for advice after their wife asks for ENM in order to date women and explore her bi side. The husband prefers monogamy, but does the hard emotional work of examining his feelings, and comes to an agreement that his wife can date other women.
But then, the wife later meets another man and also wants the freedom to date men too. The monogamous husband struggles and feels like that's not what he agreed to. He's not a sexist villain who wants to restrict his wife with an OPP, but he's not sure he's okay with his wife having a boyfriend either. And I don't think he needs to be okay with it, since he didn't want to do ENM in the first place.
I have also seen similar cases where the monogamous straight husband gives his bi wife permission to date women upon her request, and he asks if he can date other people also, but the wife says he can't date other women, only men. Since she is only going to be dating other same-sex people, she considers this fair...but it's not fair, since the husband isn't bi. So, that would be an example of One Vagina Policy.
I have also seen couples where the woman happily agrees to a OPP because she genuinely does not want to date other men. And, there are lesbian poly couples where neither member has any interest in any penis; but also, I've seen one member of a lesbian/bi couple wanting to insist that her female bi partner not date cis men due to penises being icky or threatening or something (a zero penis policy, I guess?)
To me, it is reasonable for a poly person to compromise for the comfort of a mono partner. Maybe that compromise would take the form of an OPP and OVP. Like, it's okay for a hesitant mono partner to request limitations on the poly partner.
But for the poly partner, the one who is pushing poly...to insist on an OPP or OVP sounds like they just want to control their partner and have freedom for themself that doesn't apply to their partner.
I do not think it's an overuse of the term misogyny. "Hatred of women" takes particular forms in our society. Believing that women are required to do certain things and shouldn't have the agency to decline is a particular form that misogyny takes.
But I don't want to quibble about the definition of misogyny, so I hope that your boyfriend's view here is clearly noted to be absolutely red-flag problematic, regardless of whether it's misogynistic.
Regarding a One Penis Policy, there are some cases where I'm sympathetic to it. For example: Many times over the years, we have observed straight married men come here for advice after their wife asks for ENM in order to date women and explore her bi side. The husband prefers monogamy, but does the hard emotional work of examining his feelings, and comes to an agreement that his wife can date other women.
But then, the wife later meets another man and also wants the freedom to date men too. The monogamous husband struggles and feels like that's not what he agreed to. He's not a sexist villain who wants to restrict his wife with an OPP, but he's not sure he's okay with his wife having a boyfriend either. And I don't think he needs to be okay with it, since he didn't want to do ENM in the first place.
I have also seen similar cases where the monogamous straight husband gives his bi wife permission to date women upon her request, and he asks if he can date other people also, but the wife says he can't date other women, only men. Since she is only going to be dating other same-sex people, she considers this fair...but it's not fair, since the husband isn't bi. So, that would be an example of One Vagina Policy.
I have also seen couples where the woman happily agrees to a OPP because she genuinely does not want to date other men. And, there are lesbian poly couples where neither member has any interest in any penis; but also, I've seen one member of a lesbian/bi couple wanting to insist that her female bi partner not date cis men due to penises being icky or threatening or something (a zero penis policy, I guess?)
To me, it is reasonable for a poly person to compromise for the comfort of a mono partner. Maybe that compromise would take the form of an OPP and OVP. Like, it's okay for a hesitant mono partner to request limitations on the poly partner.
But for the poly partner, the one who is pushing poly...to insist on an OPP or OVP sounds like they just want to control their partner and have freedom for themself that doesn't apply to their partner.
That's actually not an example of a One-Vagina Policy because the wife would be dating other Vaginas. It is not a "One-Penis Policy" either because the husband would be allowed to date other Penises. It's Something Else, but it isn't a "One-Type-Of-Genitalia-Only Policy."
A One Vagina Policy would be like a triad with two Penises and one Vagina, but the Vagina is straight and the Penises are bi, and they are all allowed to date other Penises, but no one is allowed/wants to date other Vaginas.
Hello Morri,
It sounds like your boyfriend is being a little bit selfish. He wants a throuple, for his own satisfaction. What about the satisfaction of you and the third? Would you get as much out of it as he would? Does that matter to him? You might want to have some more talks with him, see if you can get a better look at his feelings and motivations. Don't second-guess yourself. If you are having qualms, there is probably a good reason for that. I don't think you're being unfair to him. If what he wants is unhealthy and unreasonable (owing to his selfish motivations), then you really should try to see that clearly.
Regards,
Kevin T.
It sounds like your boyfriend is being a little bit selfish. He wants a throuple, for his own satisfaction. What about the satisfaction of you and the third? Would you get as much out of it as he would? Does that matter to him? You might want to have some more talks with him, see if you can get a better look at his feelings and motivations. Don't second-guess yourself. If you are having qualms, there is probably a good reason for that. I don't think you're being unfair to him. If what he wants is unhealthy and unreasonable (owing to his selfish motivations), then you really should try to see that clearly.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Oh, that's funny! I don't thinking of it that way. I think of it as, "You can only date One Vagina/Penis, which is mine!" Rather than, "There can be only One Vagina/Penis in the Polycule!"
LaminarFlow
Active member
I agree! It really comes from the point who is asking for the "style and practice." Once upon a time I dated a lady and she wanted a No Penis Policy. Obviously I bolted.Oh, that's funny! I don't thinking of it that way. I think of it as, "You can only date One Vagina/Penis, which is mine!" Rather than, "There can be only One Vagina/Penis in the Polycule!"
You're right, thanks for the clarification.Oh, that's funny! I don't thinking of it that way. I think of it as, "You can only date One Vagina/Penis, which is mine!" Rather than, "There can be only One Vagina/Penis in the Polycule!"