Multi-partner cohabitation

Mono, I don't like people in my house either. It's for different reasons. But my husband knows that I would freak if he brought more than two people home with him without MAJOR PLANNING. I occasionally have a guest, but it's only one or two people at a time, and it's usually my friend come to help out with yard-work. And we're not even renting or living with additional partners!

So it is ok with me, what you just said.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
One of the things and trip wires of me moving in was certainly control over the space that I pay for.

It is "my space." I need that.

I need to feel secure and in control of my space. Without that I would long for my own place again.
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That is my main concern with considering eventually moving in with my partners. They own their home (a 3 level townhome w/4 bdrms & 4 bthrms) and so I would move in with them, since I rent. I must have my own space, with the ability to enjoy quiet and stillness. Plus, I am a bit of a neat freak, so it's going to be trying not to take over the cleaning and organization of the entire house. I have a year to mull it over and discuss these things with my partners, so I'm sure there will be a posting about it. :)
 
eklctc said:
That is my main concern with considering eventually moving in with my partners. They own their home. I would move in with them. I must have my own space and the ability to enjoy quiet/stillness. Plus, I am a neat freak so it's going to be trying not to take over the cleaning and organization of the entire house.
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I spoke to Redpepper about the posts I will share on here. We need to be honest with each other and not let any little things compile.

In your case, probably an open discussion of boundaries could create a healthy and relaxed environment. If you took over cleaning more of the house, and were happy in doing that, that could be seen as an additional benefit to the family as a whole, as long as you were ok with that and didn't start feeling like a maid!

I mow the grass at Redpepper's. I've been doing it for two summers and that will not change now that I live with them. I also do house maintenance because I enjoy it. So, besides rent contribution, I assist with the running of the household through acts of service. I also pick up their son and babysit a lot. The big thing is that I do these things because I want to and it makes me happy and feel important to the entire family.

Time to deliver Redpepper a coffee. :)
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I mow the grass at Redpepper's, I'v been doing it for two summers and that will not change now that I live with them. I also do house maintenance because I enjoy it. So, besides rent contribution I assist with the running of the household through acts of service. I also pick up their son and babysit a lot. The big thing is that I do things because I want to and it makes me happy and feel important to the entire family.
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I reeeeeaaally am conscious of not burdening you with tasks that need to be done. I make sure I make requests of Mono and PN and don't bark out orders. Sometimes I do, when I find myself overwhelmed, and something needs to be done that isn't on their radar. So not fair, and I apologize and explain myself afterwards and feel really bad.

It's really important to me that people do what they want to do, and feel happy doing, so that they feel like they are contributing, but not resenting that. Instead, I want them to feel that they are proud of our house and their contribution to it.

It's absolutely thrilling to me and PN that not only does Mono like to do stuff around the house, but feels like it's his contribution. It's most definitely one of the reasons I picked him as my life love. I am a huge "acts of service" person, if we are to be talking about the book, The Five Love Languages (whose author I forget, but you can find it in the "book rec" thread). To me, that is the ultimate love, I think because I wasn't really given to in that way as a child and now crave it as an adult.

Yeah, so it's important that people are doing what they want, and not because they think they have to. It's also important to check out what people's standards are. If someone's cleaning standard is different than another's, its not okay to put the expectation on them that they become something they aren't. In terms of the situation that you could be in, eklctc, I would think that it would be better to do the housework and keep it to your standard, because that is how you want to contribute and that is what makes you feel a part of the household. But keep in mind that their standard is different and that they might mess things up again... I see no reason why you couldn't ask them to at least respect your efforts and verbally appreciate your contribution.

Really, all one needs is to feel appreciated and that one's contribution is worth something. If it isn't worth something to housemates, then it's time to change the contribution, I think, not in a resentful way, but in a practical way, in order to get needs met for appreciation.
 
Redpepper was sick yesterday, and PN was covering for a lot of stuff, as it was Halloween, and Sundays have the normal week's preparation to do. I got to help out by cleaning the kitchen while PN was grocery shopping with LB, and I raked some leaves to clear a candy path for hungry children looking for a sugar fix. PN cooked supper and I took care of the clean up before Redpepper and I retreated to the OH for a movie and sleepover.

Things are feeling very normal and cool. I wasn't too worried about noise travelling upstairs and could tell that Redpepper is happy to be close to her son and hubby.

My bike is back on the road and covered just outside my door, and I am happy to have her closer. as well. Redpepper isn't the only one that feels separation anxiety. ;)

Redpepper was a little surprised when I offered to show the suite to her mom and dad. They are family to me and are treated pretty much the same way I treat my own parents. I'm not as family-oriented as RP's family, but do feel certain obligations and enjoy their presence.

PN seems pretty relaxed, as well. I haven't taken over their lives and, if anything, have to be pulled upstairs. LOL! I love having my own space and I feel very at home.
 
A week into it and all is well.

Things I've noticed:
- I don't feel like I am encroaching on PN's territory. I feel pretty self-contained and yet still close.
- I seem to spend less time with Redpepper's family on a day-to-day basis, probably because I am trying not to encroach. I have to work on that. Apparently I am more welcome than I thought!
- PN seems happier.
- I am happier.
- Redpepper seems happier
- My little buddy is overjoyed.
- Redpepper's family seems ok and likes that I painted the suite and am not sponging off off PN and her.
- My only source of current discomfort revolves around the storage of my bike. Fixing that.
- Sex has not been an issue. :D
- Walking to work is cool.
- My parents are happy for me, and a little in disbelief.
- I've told friends at work that I live in Redpepper's suite and am waiting for them to push the question about what the full dynamic is...I'm pretty quiet about that.
- I love Redpepper on an ever deeper level as time goes on.

So far, the most important thing is that I feel like a positive to have around!
 
MonoVCPHG said:
-Sex has not been an issue.
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Too quiet. We don't have to whisper. Sheesh, at your place you got off on making sure the neighbors knew what was going on. Now it's all very secretive, even when I've said that certain parts of the house are good to go for loudness.
 
redpepper said:
We don't have to whisper. Sheesh, at your place you got off on making sure the neighbors know what is going on. Now it's all very secretive, even when I've said that certain parts of the house are good to go for loudness.
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Your sex is a bell. Bring it and I'll ring it!
 
The benefits of having had tenants in the past, I guess-- you know where you can hear things and where you can't.
 
You guys are trailblazers I think. Z's dream is to have us living with his SO, and whenever I get the heebie jeebies I hop over here and read about how it can work so well.

I think someone should base a TV program on your set up to balance those programs on polygamy that give polyamory a bad name.
 
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sage said:
I hop over here and read about how it can work so well.

.
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Thanks, Sage. We're very early into this and will share the good with the bad as much as possible. I'm glad that my posting on here can give some hope and sense of possibility for others, if that is the case. Hopefully others will chime in with their own cohabitation stories. We only know one other family that has been doing this for a few years. They are also a V with two men and a woman.
 
Before I start, let me just say that the first few post on this topic have drawn up a lot of comments for me. I apologize if this has already been discussed. Please be nice.

I have thought long and hard about cohabitation. First a little background...

Nikki, my and Wifey's girlfriend, moved in with us as a favor to help her save up money for her own place. She unfortunately lost her job 2 weeks into it. We had all been friends for years, this so it wasn't anything we needed to think about, or so we thought. A few months, we thought, it won't take her to long to find a new job, we thought. Almost a year before she moved out. During this time, Nikki and Wifey were involved, and I was just friends with Nikki, so she slept in the living room.

We have 2 kids. She has one who shares custody with her kid's father. When her child is with us, our youngest and her child share a room.

A lot has happened within this time, and it's definitely a blessing in disguise. I leaned a lot about my (now) girlfriend Nikki's living habits, and she ours. I would agree with people needing their own personal space. But if you think about how "some" marriages/relationships work once they have been together for a good chunk of time, you start having "together space." The idea of a man cave or a woman’s den seems to disappear over time, although having them can be beneficial.

Wifey and I sleep with each other every night. We share a bathroom and common area. I do not stay in a separate room from my wife. So my goal is to integrate her into our lives, as Wifey and I have with each other. One room. We share one joint bathroom. Shared closet space. Shared finances and house/kid responsibilities. Essentially the same way “most" 2 person-couples do things.
 
polytriad said:
Wifey and I sleep with each other every night. We share a bathroom and common area. I do not stay in a separate room from my wife. So my goal is to integrate her into our lives as Wifey and I have with each other. One room. We share one joint bathroom, shared closet space, shared finances and house/kid responsibilities. Essentially the same way “most" 2-person couples do things.
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Thanks for sharing this, Polytriad. It's great to hear about other's situations. What are the ideas of your wife and girlfriend from their perspective of what they would like to see? Is everyone on the same page?
 
MonoVCPHG said:
What are the ideas of your wife and girlfriend from their perspective of what they would like to see? Is everyone on the same page?
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Nikki just moved from her initial move-out place (a room in an apt she rented) to her own house, that she will share with one other person. She is looking forward to have something that is hers, which I understand. She has been living with people for 3+ years, out of obligation, not choice. When her lease is up, we will probably jointly move to a new place together. I know she wants things joint. She didnt want to leave our place, but it was time.

On the other hand, Wifey is glad to have her home back. She would like to invite Nikki in to our space as opposed to doing her a favor. She likes the integrated life, but has a hard time letting go of the "just me and her forever" mindset. But she is really coming around to the joint idea. She just wants to be in a position to make that decision because she wants it, not because Nikki needs a place to stay.

Wifey and I don't think is fair (in our own opinion) to segregate, because we understand how much joy it brings to have a partner to lie next to nightly, or a partner to help cook dinner, or to call a bedroom ours and have our relationship bed. So if we was to had things separate then we would feel like Nikki is missing something, thus putting into question of her finding that somewhere else. But then again, we are a triad, so it's different.
 
Yes the triad dynamic is certainly different. Because feel RP needs more privacy and flexibilty with her space I would like to see more segregation. It would be nice for her to have her own entry, bathroom and private access to her space so she could be more social with it. All things to work towards.
 
Sorry, Polytriad. That sounds like hell to me. ;)

I have just come from a situation where I had no place to call my own, and I certainly would be dragged kicking and screaming back to it if it were to be the case that this doesn't work out.

Don't get me wrong; I love time with everyone in the family; I love being all in the same bed; I love that everyone helps out with child care, supper, gardening, etc. There is nothing I love more than all cuddling up together, going for a walk together, sleeping together, playing together. But I require a place to retreat to. Somewhere to regain my inner self. I didn't have that before, and I think it's important that everyone have that, if it is what they desire.

It sounds like the women desire this too, and are relishing the new space they have for themselves. I am happy for them. It sounds like it was needed. That doesn't mean that there won't be times together, and that that isn't valid for them, but I think if I were in your situation I would be very careful to make sure they have what they need, even if it doesn't fulfill your goal.
 
I adore both my men. I'd love to fall asleep PEACEFULLY with both of them, one on either side of me, and wake the same way. HOWEVER, I HATE not having my own space. GG has his own room. Maca and I share a room, but I think of it as his room. If there's a conflict, it's his room, I end up on the couch. I HATE not having ONE ROOM, at least, that is JUST MINE. :(
 
LovingRadiance said:
I HATE not having ONE ROOM at least that is JUST MINE. :(
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Someone would find out and be on your doorstep looking for a place to stay. :p Considering the brood you already have in your home, I'm surprised you're still sane. Is is 11 or 12 now? I think I would be in a tent in the back yard. Oh yeah, it gets cold where you live, so that's not an option.
 
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