Multi-partner cohabitation

Red,

wow, ups downs and rollercoasters.

I too waited and waited patiently for all parties to be ready. i never banked on it, but it was an option i always loved having, co-habitation. not something to rush into. i'm a careful planner. NRE be damned, i wasn't going to mess this one up! slow and steady.

I guess i can take comfort in that i'm not the only one who got left out when one partner's SO changes their minds about cohabitiation. altho it sounds to me like it is for the most part they try and then it doesn't work out. in my case, it was (thankfully?) a partner's SO changing their mind before we tried cohabitation, so i guess i can take some comfort in that. I can't imagine what it must be like for those couples you know, Red, who tried and then fell apart. So painful. i can't imagine.

it seems to me, when it comes to cohabitation, the need to be open and honest and communicative become even more important. am i right?

as for OH (other home), trust me, i liked the concept of having my partner over at my place. but it was only fer a few hours and never overnight. i get what you mean about wanting to be there and not being able to be there. I enjoyed my independence and my home, but i enjoyed the idea of having my honey there when i came home from work, or to snuggle with on the sofa while watching tv, you know? I had no problems with his other SO being there. As a matter of fact, i had no problems sharing him. LOL. i mean, i wouldnt mind cuddling him on his left while she cuddled oh his right <-- lucky man! LOL

as for sex, you're right. i would miss the privacy and spontaneity of wherever and however with nobody walking in. that's the one part of cohabitation that would be tricky.

Ok so, this one is for everybody now. here's another question i post to y'all about cohabitation. how do you introduce the concept of poly to your kids? how do you explain that you have 1 mommy and 1 daddy, but that mommy loves another man who isnt daddy, and daddy loves another woman who isnt mommy, and you all live together as one happy family, or whatever the situation may be?

FYI, I'm not in a poly relationship now. one just recently ended. no kids. no cohabitation (seeing as the relationship ended). I'm just posing these questions for curiosity and for discussion and to share sum of my experiences. I am "banking" the replies in this thread for the next relationship.
 
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Mono,

Thanks so much for sharing your process with us. Your honesty and vulnerability with the group is inspiring.

I wanted to share something from my personal experience. This was not a poly relationship, but I think this concept would help anyone wanting to live together, poly or not.

After dating for 18 months, my female partner and I decided to move in together. We were already in therapy, not because we were having problems, but because we wanted a professional opinion about our relationship. We did live together for 12 years and had a very functional relationship. One of the advantages we had was a result of something our therapist suggested and we took it seriously. It echoes what others have already said. We each had our own personal space within the house. The personal space was considered sacred and we each gave special attention to turning our individual spaces into something that was special for each of us.

The agreement was that a closed door was considered normal and healthy. An open door did not mean that someone could freely enter, however. But we would invite each other into our spaces. When I was in her space, I would consider it a special privilege and would act accordingly. She would do the same in my space. Therefore, we would make dates and wait to be invited into each other's spaces. It kept things really special for us!

My best wishes to all 4 of you!
Idealist
 
A few of my ideas

Quoting Honestheart:
here's another question i post to y'all about co-habitation...
how do you introduce the concept of poly to yer kids? how do you explain that you have 1 mommy and 1 daddy but that mommy loves another man who isnt daddy and daddy loves another woman who isnt mommy and you all live together as one happy family or whatever the situation may be...
Click to expand...

I suspect there's threads on this somewhere (tagged children or family, I suspect). My two cents is to recommend a picture book by Barbara Joose, called I Love You the Purplest. It's about a mother with two sons, who keep asking who is better; she instead compliments each on their successes. At the end of the day, they ask Mom who she loves best, and she explains that she loves one the "bluest" and one the "reddest". It's a great explanation of how polylove works, even if it's meant to deal with sibling rivalry.

Quoting idealist:
The agreement was that a closed door was considered normal and healthy. An open door did not mean that someone could freely enter, however. But we would invite each other into our spaces. When I was in her space, I would consider it a special privilege and would act accordingly. She would do the same in my space.
Therefore, we would make dates and wait to be invited into each other's spaces. It kept things really special for us!
Click to expand...

Strangely enough, I read somewhere (in The Ethical Slut, perhaps?) about a sex party venue where they had a system with their doors and windows to tell others what they could do-- come in or don't, watch or don't, participate or don't... Pretty awesome, I say.

(I'd be curious how everyone here handles that... but I fear that I'm digressing. Mono, what say you?)

In cahoots,
~S
 
saudade said:
Mono, what say you?)

In cahoots,
~S
Click to expand...

If you want to make something seem less than normal to a child, sit them down and tell them that what you do is not what a lot of their friends' parents do.

That being said, a young child is much more ready to accept the concept of diverse relationships because, regardless of whether they have a poly or mono nature, they are relatively un-programmed to believe things should be a certain way.

Children learn by seeing and experiencing. I have no doubt that Redpepper's son would be quite fine with me living in a suite with them. In fact I think he would be quite happy :) He refers to us as a team, his mom and dad and me. Because we gently and patiently integrated my presence into his life, I have simply become family naturally. I am already a very big part of his life. I just live 9 minutes away, as opposed to downstairs.

He has a sense that people are free to love who and however they want. He has learned this mostly from witnessing healthy relationships around him, and a little discussion when things come up.

I can't speak for how to introduce this to an older child or young adult, because I haven't done that.
 
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My kids as well just accept the way things are as normal (they are 3 and 5). My biggest concern with them is that they are going to end up outing us to people that we aren't ready to be out to (mostly family). But that's a bridge that we'll cross when we get to it. I have to run. Sessions are starting up again.

-Derby
 
Honestheart said:
ok so this one is fer everybody now...
here's another question i post to y'all about co-habitation...
how do you introduce the concept of poly to yer kids? how do you explain that you have 1 mommy and 1 daddy but that mommy loves another man who isnt daddy and daddy loves another woman who isnt mommy and you all live together as one happy family or whatever the situation may be...
Click to expand...

When we went poly our oldest in the home was 17. The next was 9 and the little one 2. We were simply honest. Mommy and daddy DO still love each other. Mommy and GG also love each other (romantically). It really just wasn't hard.

MIND YOU, we ALREADY all lived together and the kids have known GG all of their lives (the 17 yr old since she was 18 months). He's lived with us for 7 years. So him BEING in the home was already natural.

They call him Uncle GG and/or GG depending on the moment. My oldest calls me Mom and calls my sister her "other mom" because the first 6 years of her life we raised her alone. She lives with us as well, and is also a primary caregiver.

So the idea of sharing the home, sharing the responsibility of kids, finances, etc., wasn't a new idea for them. JUST the sex part was new.
The youngest QUICKLY and easily figured out that in the mornings when Daddy goes to work, Mommy can be found in GG's room, and at night Mommy goes to bed with Daddy.

The now 10-year old couldn't care less, really. He and I discussed it (that conversation is posted somewhere) and he just expressed that as long as there is love growing it can work out just fine (no explanation what exactly IT meant). :)

I think it very much depends on how you raise your child. If you raise them to believe that everyone is different, and that's not just "ok" but that diversity is good, then this is just one more diversity, and that's even better.

I know that GG moved out for 1 year in the middle and it was DEVASTATING for the whole family. We asked him to move back in (and he did so happily) and it's been MUCH better since.

The kids get more attention with 4 adults in the house, more chances to go do things that they want (like field trips, scouting, camping, 4th of July parade, etc.), because even if Mom or Dad can't go, they can always ask GG or Em.

Maca and I have more time alone without the kids because there are 2 other adults in the home that can babysit without us having to pack overnight bags or find an outside babysitter.

When we talk about the importance of communication, we need to remember that honest, open communication with our children is JUST as important as with our lovers.

EVERY relationship (parent/child, siblings, friends, lovers etc.) requires communication in order to be healthy and happy for both people.
 
RP, I hold onto my dream too. :) I know it can work. It's just a matter of time.

We recently found a place in northern Idaho. We're looking to move to the Coeur d'Alene (spelling?) area in a year or so. It has a master bedroom suite (bath/bed, but no kitchen) on the second floor; another on the main floor; living rm; kitchen; 2 bdrms; bath; and a dining room on the main floor; a laundry room AND another master suite (bath/bed/livingroom) in the basement.

If we were moving right now, it would be perfect. Our little Sweetpea could have a room, so could Sourpea, and GG, Maca and I could each have our own suite.
 
I've not been around much due to being exceptionally busy, but when I read this I just wanted to respond and share my positive experience.

I was very wary of R moving in, because I am very aware that living together is a big step, and it doesn't work for everyone. But for us it just felt right. My gut feeling and intuition told me that it was the right thing to do, and I don't mean just the NRE making everything seem rosy. It was a much deeper feeling that this was how things were meant to progress.

He has been living here for few months now and, so far, it has gone a lot smoother than I anticipated.

Both men have their own room and I am allowed to sleep or spend time in both. We all work different shifts, which gives us time alone, and time together as couples or three of us. We are constantly communicating, and you guys probably already know that's the key to things staying healthy.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out. So far, we have no regrets.

Jools
 
Thanks, Ladyjools. How do you manage without your own space? I would struggle with that. Still, whatever works, right?!

No wonder you are busy! ;)
 
redpepper said:
How do you manage without your own space? I would struggle with that.
Click to expand...

I'd love my own room, but at the moment we can't afford a bigger place. We have a 2 and half bedroom flat. The half bedroom is so small you can't fit a bed in it, so we use it as a study.

Chris and Rick both have their rooms, and so when I'm not with them they get time alone. It's not exactly space of their own, because I'm always welcome in either room, but there usually is time to themselves, and I can take time out in whatever room is free when I want to. The way our shifts all work, I do get some time to myself.

My dream in future would be for us to buy a house together, maybe with a bit of land and 4 or 5 bedrooms so we each have our own space that we can decorate and make our own.

What we have now works, and there have been no arguments, just lots of communication.

Jools
 
redpepper said:
How do you manage without your own space? I would struggle with that.
Click to expand...

We've been thinking about giving up the apartment, buying a big RV, and living in it full-time. It's something a lot of people do when they're retired, and we figured, why wait our whole lives for something we want to do right now? It helps that his job is on the road, so he already lives in a decked-out mini-van 10/14 days, so an RV would actually be a huge UPGRADE for him.

Anyway, my whole point here was about having your own space. Obviously, in a 10' x 30' home, space becomes a huge premium (forget about having your own room.) One article suggested staking out your own space, no matter how small it is, even if it's just a drawer that's only yours. Now obviously, you can't crawl into a drawer to get away from everything, but just having something that the other person will respect as off-limits can (supposedly) make a big difference. And when you need to get away, there's a whole big outside! (And not just living in an RV. We all have access to the outdoors!)

Also, don't be scared to tell your partner(s), "Hey, I'm really feeling frazzled. Do you think you could take the kids for ice cream for a couple hours while I recover my energy?" My husband always feels really guilty asking me for the house to himself for a while, and to be honest, I'm not always in the mood to go out when it's convenient for him, but I can always go for a coffee for an hour or two, and that's usually enough just to get some breathing room.
 
You are so right, SchrodingersCat. I need to ask for my space more often. My men tease me sometimes, because I will sit at the laptop in our kitchen, and draw lines around myself and say, "I am in my own room. Please knock to come in." Of course this becomes a joke to them, and they tease me by pretending to knock, and then my boy gets into it, etc. It is funny, but I am also serious.

Tonight I wanted to sit in the bed on the laptop and polynerdist said no. I like to sit here and type and then fall asleep with it whenever I want, but it disturbs him when my fingers tap on the keys... if I had my own room I would go there.

The outdoors is my space though; I get that. I run to the ocean quite often and feel its space. I love that immenseness I create in myself from that. During the winter that becomes very important, as it rains constantly here and we become more closed-in because of it. Rainy runs are my favorite.

I have always had a dream to have an RV and live that lifestyle. too. We have a camper van that we got when we were married and I have been able to do just that in the summer. We go camping a lot. It is a very different way to live and very appealing. Funny how that doesn't bother me, but this has begun to. You are right, though, more time outside is required when one lives in an RV.

I have taken to kicking nerdist out of the house lately, as he is always here, it seems. That has helped. We have an agreement that when he comes home he is to allow me to go about my business and just say goodnight when he is off to bed. (He goes to bed way earlier than me.) He was hanging around me, and draping himself on me, and I was resentful. I have asked him not to and now go to him when I am ready. I make a point of engaging myself with him for a moment before he goes to sleep, as I know he needs to know I love him at that time.

It all needs working out, for sure, but I would like to move my studio to my room, have my computer in there, have my own couch bed and keep the guinea pigs in there one day. It's just time to get that back. I am afraid to be alone, and I think having my own room will help me with that. I love that I will have two lovely men to go and tuck myself in with if I get scared. :eek: I'm so pathetic, really...
 
Right now, my rooming situation is a bit like ladyjools's. My two partners each have their own bedroom. All of my stuff is in K's (except for my dirty laundry!:rolleyes:), and I alternate where I sleep between their two rooms. When I'm awake and home, though, I'm usually on one of the couches in the living room... We all live with half a dozen housemates, so I spend most of my time in communal spaces and wait until bedtime to use a bedroom.

I'm not sure if it's in my temperament or what, but I don't tend to want a physical space of my own. Sometimes I want mental space, so I grab a novel or my laptop and fall into my own little world, or I go for a walk if the weather is nice enough. (New England isn't as accommodating as I might like!) I don't really like being alone in a room. It's nice for an hour or two, but I get tired of it pretty fast.
 
Maca and I have a room, as it's always been. GG has a room too (short a wall and a door, though). I go from one to the other.

My personal space, where I "escape," is the bathtub (which is communal), or going outside for my walks. It bothers me at times, but mostly I am ok as long as I get the tub time and the regular walks.

With the surgery, I'm not allowed the tub time, and let me tell you, my internal drive to get out and walk is SCREAMING for release. Of course, I'm also sleeping in a chair in the living room, which SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS.
 
redpepper said:
my men tease me sometimes because I will sit at the laptop in our kitchen and draw lines around my self and say that I am in my own room, please knock to come in... of course this becomes a joke to them and they tease me by pretending to knock and then my boy gets into it etc... it is funny, but I am also serious.
Click to expand...

I would get a little frustrated not being taken seriously.

What about using headphones when you want to tell everyone that you need some private time, and also to make it clear to the grown-ups that you really mean this, it's not intended as a joke... that it was funny the first time, but now you really feel that your personal space is being disrupted?

It sounds like your son is just following along with what the grown-up boys do, so if they set the example that Mommy wants to be left alone when she's got her headphones on, he'll understand that he should ask Daddy if he needs something.

Note, you don't actually have to be listening to anything. They're just meant as a "don't bug me, I'm busy" symbol. Heck, you could even use those big clunky yellow construction ones, which have the added bonus of blocking out sound really effectively.
 
The idea of cohabitation has become more normalized and possible for me lately. I am even more confident in the belief of our sustainable family. I'm pretty sure we were meant to take care of each other, regardless of our dynamic.

We're still taking our time, but enjoying the search for appropriate housing. Interesting times :)

Thanks for everyone's input. I hope to hear more of other people's experiences and journeys.

Peace and Love
Mono
 
I started living with S and K (along with a couple other people not in the relationship) almost before I had started dating S or knew what poly was. It all happened so quickly I can't remember what happened first.

One issue that arose (and we are still work through) is that interior walls are not usually well insulated. Being new to poly (and still not sure I am poly) it was highly stressful to hear S and K in the next room. Even lying alone trying to sleep while S was less than 15 ft away gave me a fair bit of trouble. For many people, this is probably a non-issue, but it is a potential one that I haven't seen brought up yet. It is one thing to know your partner is out on a date in a mystical "out there." It is something else entirely to know your partner is with someone else a couple of rooms over. S, K and I have all had to work on being conscious of how much noise we make in bed.
 
Very true, Twig. I don't have sex with GG while Maca is in the house, ever. I do have sex with Maca, and GG can hear us. GG and I talk about it frequently. But it's not as big an issue for GG. He gets a bit aggravated if it's keeping him up when he's tired, but generally we go to bed a good 2-3 hours before he does. Maca, on the other hand, has been very clear that at this point he's not able to handle that. So we don't do it.

And even if I weren't in a poly relationship, when/if I ever build my own house, the inside walls/floors will have insulation, because I FLAT HATE getting woken up by the kids/animals in the mornings!
 
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