Help me navigate please. I’m kind of lost

N

NewP0!Y

New member
I have been in and on again off again relationship, although she does not want to refine it as a relationship, for 7 1/2 years.

A little over two years ago, she had an experience. It was only five days, but she was on vacation with someone, and she was hung up on that experience for two years, even without any contact with that person.

Even after when we were intimate, she had boundaries up. And boundaries are fine, but she would also tell me how much she loved me, but I wasn’t allowed to share some of the most intimate parts of that such as kissing, hand holding, or even eye contact during physical intimacy.

I have literally been her rock. I’ve supported her through everything. She needs something, I get it, she needs help, I drop everything and I’m there, she has no one to spend her birthday with or holidays, I make sure I’m there. I literally give her my heart, love, time, energy, everything I have.

She has things stored at my house. She stores her travel trailer in my yard when she’s not using it. But I also realize that I also pay for everything. I have paid for every hotel room, every meal we’ve ever gone out to have, and every road trip we’ve gone on, I put in the gas. It’s not about the money, it’s about the reciprocity.

Now she’s temporarily living in Florida and I’m in the northeast. I’ve noticed that when I fly down there, typically twice a month, I’m buying her groceries, taking her dog out for almost every walk, cooking almost every single meal. I do everything.

And when we are intimate, it’s the same thing… No hand holding, no eye contact, no kissing.

I have always known that she’s poly and I support her in that. But she’s never really explored with anybody. keep in mind she told me she couldn’t have those things with me because her feelings for me were too deep and it will be too hard. She also said that she couldn’t kiss me because she hasn’t kissed anybody in two years and when she did have that kiss, it would be very special and sacred and deep and emotional.

2 1/2 weeks ago, she met somebody. they’ve now slept together. They’ve had that eye contact, kissing, and handholding. I feel shattered. I know we are not officially in a relationship, but we kind of are without the title. I’m not upset she had sex. I’m upset She shared those deep intimate moments that just three weeks ago she told me she was not ready to share with anybody. And now, as I’ve walked with her through her journey and I’ve been patient and respectful, I’m once again left at arm's length when it comes to the more deeply intimate moments. I need advice. My heart feels like it’s in a vice.
 
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I'm sorry.
It seems she's just not into you. She told you you're not in a relationship. She's not reciprocating. She won't share intimacy. Aren't these clear signs she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you?
I'm not saying she doesn't like you in some way, but I suggest you stop providing for her in hope for something more. It's not coming.
 
Tinwen said:
I'm sorry.
It seems she's just not into you. She told you you're not in a relationship. She's not reciprocating. She won't share intimacy. Aren't these clear signs she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you?
I'm not saying she doesn't like you in some way, but I suggest you stop providing for her in hope for something more. It's not coming.
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Why does she constantly tell me she loves me? Is it because she knows I’ll always give her anything she wants?

It’s also hard because this new person is sooooo similar to me. Even she has said so. She’s said you both are very much alike.
 
NewP0!Y said:
Why she constantly tell me she loves me? Is it because side she knows I’ll always give her anything she wants?

It’s also hard because this new person, is sooooo similar to me. Even she has said so. She’s said you both are very much alike.
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I don't know if she only loves you because you give her everything she wants. She would probably not know herself. You will have to trust your gut on that. But from the outside, it sure looks like you're going overboard with giving.

NRE (new relationship energy), which she now has with her new partner, sure fires up sexual desire. It's normal to want to focus on the new person entirely. People have to make a conscious effort to maintain connection with their preexisting partner. In this case, however, it's mainly highlighting the ways in which this non-relationship is already lacking.
 
Hello NewP0!Y,

It sounds like she doesn't appreciate all that you do for her, also she keeps you at arm's length, that can't be easy. What are some of her good traits, what are some of the plusses in your relationship with her? I'm assuming you aren't ready to break up with her. You just need her to treat you better, that is very understandable.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello NewP0!Y,

It sounds like she doesn't appreciate all that you do for her, also she keeps you at arm's length, that can't be easy. What are some of her good traits, what are some of the plusses in your relationship with her? I'm assuming you aren't ready to break up with her. You just need her to treat you better, that is very understandable.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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I’m not ready to walk away but this hurts. What are the pluses? Good question. I think it’s because she’s just there. I think I kept hoping that she would organically take it to the next level. And it’s really hard because she says, "I feel all of these things for you. I just can’t have them with you right now," but then she’s able to have them and explore with other people. We have intimacy, but I’m craving kissing, eye contact. It goes beyond the sex. And that’s what she said she can’t give to me, because it goes too deep, and she can’t go deeper with me right now, or she won’t be able to explore with other people.
 
NewP0!Y said:
I’m not ready to walk away but this hurts. What are the pluses? Good question. I think it’s because she’s just there. I think I kept hoping that she would organically take it to the next level. And it’s really hard because she says I feel all of these things for you. I just can’t have them with you right now but then she’s able to have them and explore with other people. We have intimacy, but I’m craving kissing, eye contact, it goes beyond the sex. And that’s what she said she can’t give to me because it goes too deep and she can’t go deeper with me right now or she won’t be able to explore with other people.
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Is this just her way of keeping me in the picture ‘just enough’?
 
1. It sounds like she never saw you as equal to her, or as a human being at all. If she did, you would be more to her than a surrogate friend/acquaintance/friend with benefits.

2. Even if she saw you as that, she would have at least disclosed to you from the beginning that with absolute certainty you are free to do as you wish, and so is she.

3. With you having to feel obligated to be a "boyfriend" without being one, and instead a beneath a cockroach stranger that she tells herself is something more.

4. It's time to tell her to officially put it all on the table. Explain herself to you, explain why she expected you to be "an option" that will never ever leave, instead of a human being that can live like she has. Find yourself another lady that you can share those moments with. Have a birthday of your own that someone will wanna celebrate. Have an existence of your own with someone else that will see you as human.

5. On behalf of her and me, we are deeply deeply sorry for how we are as people. And wanna let you know you are valued , treasured, important and deserve someone that will cherish you, celebrate you and love you until the realities can no longer manifest for us.

6. First part of 5 is rhetorically for her and more me.
 
Hi NewP0!Y,

It sounds like she says all the right things to you, "I love you," "I have to have you," but then her actions don't line up with her words. Especially when she says she can't do certain things for/with you, because she has to save them for other people. That doesn't even make sense (especially in the poly world). I think she is stringing you along. She is giving you just enough verbal reassurance to get your hopes up, even while she has no intentions of backing those words up with action. I think you are like her safety net, she wants you there to catch her if/when she falls. Again this is all based on your descriptions, you are hoping she will organically take it to the next level, without you having to force it. I'm very sorry this isn't happening.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
anonymousb said:
1.It sounds like she never saw you as equal to her or as a human being at all . if she did you would be more to her than a 'Surrogate friend/ acquaintance/Friends with benefits" and .

2. Even if she saw you as that, she would have at least disclosed to you from the beginning that with absolute certainty you are free to do as you wish and so is she.....

3. With you having to feel obligated to be a "boyfriend" without being one and instead a beneath cockroachss stranger that she tells herself is something more.

4. It's time to tell her to officially put it all on the table. Explain herself to you, explain why she expected you to be "An option" that will never ever leave . Instead of a human being that can live like she has, find yourself another lady that you can share those moments with . Have a birthday of your own that someone will wanna celebrate . Have an existence of your own with someone else that will see you as human.

5. On behalf of her and me, we are deeply deeply sorry for how we are as people. And wanna let you know you are valued , treasured, important and deserve someone that will cherish you, celebrate you and love you until the realities can no longer manifest for us....

6. First part of 5 is rhetorically for her and more me.
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Thank you for all that. This is so hard. The hurt comes in waves and I hate it. I think it’s also highly emotional because we are both women. 💔
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi NewP0!Y,

It sounds like she says all the right things to you, "I love you," "I have to have you," but then her actions don't line up with her words. Especially when she says she can't do certain things for/with you, because she has to save them for other people. That doesn't even make sense (especially in the poly world). I think she is stringing you along. She is giving you just enough verbal reassurance to get your hopes up, even while she has no intentions of backing those words up with action. I think you are like her safety net, she wants you there to catch her if/when she falls. Again this is all based on your descriptions, you are hoping she will organically take it to the next level, without you having to force it. I'm very sorry this isn't happening.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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This is what all my friends say. She knows I’ve always been there , ALWAYS. She’s been my best friend and my lover.
 
It's an imbalanced relationship. She gets everything from you, you hardly get anything from her. Was it always like this?
 
I find this very hard to read because I know people like you, that want so badly to be liked, or loved, and have so much compassion for the ones they love, that they give and give, of their money, and of their time, and of their souls, to people who just take and take until the giver's well runs dry. Then the taker shoves them out of their life and moves on to the next giver.
 
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Magdlyn said:
I find this very hard to read because I know people like you, that want so badly to be liked, or loved, and have so much compassion for the ones they love, that they give and give, of their money, and of their time, and of their souls, to people who just take and take until the giver's well runs dry. Then the taker shoves them out of their life and moves on to the next giver.
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Oh boy, that hits hard. And I already see it with this new person. This new woman is giving constantly already just a few weeks in. And it hurts even more because my person says the new person is soooo much like me. It leaves me feeling confused. She already could have had me. I can’t do the bread crumbs anymore. But I feel like I’m stuck in cement and can’t leave. I hate how this hurts sooo bad.
 
NewP0!Y said:
I can’t do the bread crumbs anymore. But I feel like I’m stuck in cement and can’t leave. I hate how this hurts sooo bad.
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It sounds as though inside yourself you already know that you need to leave for your own self-preservation. This woman is never going to change and never going to meet your needs. She’s had 7.5 years to demonstrate that.

Perhaps asking yourself the question “Why am I so attached to someone that doesn’t truly care for me?” might shed some light on why you’ve been prepared to put up with this one-sided relationship for so long. Do you still genuinely love her or is this a co-dependent or addictive pattern from long ago? When we’re “stuck in cement and can’t leave” it is often because these patterns go to the root of our childhood and parenting, the core of our selves. Therapy can be helpful exploring this.

I’m sorry to hear you are hurting so much and still having to deal with her rejection after so many years investing in her both emotionally and financially. But I think you know that things won’t change and you deserve better. So cut yourself free, spend some time reflecting and healing - the pain will pass - and then you will be available to meet someone who truly loves and values you.
 
NewP0!Y said:
I have been in and on again off again relationship, although she does not want to refine it as a relationship, for 7 1/2 years.

A little over two years ago, she had an experience. It was only five days, but she was on vacation with someone, and she was hung up on that experience for two years, even without any contact with that person.

Even after when we were intimate, she had boundaries up. And boundaries are fine, but she would also tell me how much she loved me, but I wasn’t allowed to share some of the most intimate parts of that such as kissing, hand holding, or even eye contact during physical intimacy.

I have literally been her rock. I’ve supported her through everything. She needs something, I get it, she needs help, I drop everything and I’m there, she has no one to spend her birthday with or holidays, I make sure I’m there. I literally give her my heart, love, time, energy, everything I have.

She has things stored at my house. She stores her travel trailer in my yard when she’s not using it. But I also realize that I also pay for everything. I have paid for every hotel room, every meal we’ve ever gone out to have, and every road trip we’ve gone on, I put in the gas. It’s not about the money, it’s about the reciprocity.

Now she’s temporarily living in Florida and I’m in the northeast. I’ve noticed that when I fly down there, typically twice a month, I’m buying her groceries, taking her dog out for almost every walk, cooking almost every single meal. I do everything.

And when we are intimate, it’s the same thing… No hand holding, no eye contact, no kissing.

I have always known that she’s poly and I support her in that. But she’s never really explored with anybody. keep in mind she told me she couldn’t have those things with me because her feelings for me were too deep and it will be too hard. She also said that she couldn’t kiss me because she hasn’t kissed anybody in two years and when she did have that kiss, it would be very special and sacred and deep and emotional.

2 1/2 weeks ago, she met somebody. they’ve now slept together. They’ve had that eye contact, kissing, and handholding. I feel shattered. I know we are not officially in a relationship, but we kind of are without the title. I’m not upset she had sex. I’m upset She shared those deep intimate moments that just three weeks ago she told me she was not ready to share with anybody. And now, as I’ve walked with her through her journey and I’ve been patient and respectful, I’m once again left at arm's length when it comes to the more deeply intimate moments. I need advice. My heart feels like it’s in a vice.
Click to expand...
I read your story and it sounds a lot like mine, the difference being I've been married 16 yrs. I'm a guy, straight. She turned poly about 4 yrs ago. All that pain you're feeling is unfathomable. I've been there. The only thing that helped me was getting a fantastic therapist. Been seeing him every week for the last 2+ yrs. Find one, don't go through this alone
 
NewP0!Y said:
I have been in and on again off again relationship, although she does not want to refine it as a relationship, for 7 1/2 years.

A little over two years ago, she had an experience. It was only five days, but she was on vacation with someone, and she was hung up on that experience for two years, even without any contact with that person.

Even after when we were intimate, she had boundaries up. And boundaries are fine, but she would also tell me how much she loved me, but I wasn’t allowed to share some of the most intimate parts of that such as kissing, hand holding, or even eye contact during physical intimacy.

I have literally been her rock. I’ve supported her through everything. She needs something, I get it, she needs help, I drop everything and I’m there, she has no one to spend her birthday with or holidays, I make sure I’m there. I literally give her my heart, love, time, energy, everything I have.

She has things stored at my house. She stores her travel trailer in my yard when she’s not using it. But I also realize that I also pay for everything. I have paid for every hotel room, every meal we’ve ever gone out to have, and every road trip we’ve gone on, I put in the gas. It’s not about the money, it’s about the reciprocity.

Now she’s temporarily living in Florida and I’m in the northeast. I’ve noticed that when I fly down there, typically twice a month, I’m buying her groceries, taking her dog out for almost every walk, cooking almost every single meal. I do everything.

And when we are intimate, it’s the same thing… No hand holding, no eye contact, no kissing.

I have always known that she’s poly and I support her in that. But she’s never really explored with anybody. keep in mind she told me she couldn’t have those things with me because her feelings for me were too deep and it will be too hard. She also said that she couldn’t kiss me because she hasn’t kissed anybody in two years and when she did have that kiss, it would be very special and sacred and deep and emotional.

2 1/2 weeks ago, she met somebody. they’ve now slept together. They’ve had that eye contact, kissing, and handholding. I feel shattered. I know we are not officially in a relationship, but we kind of are without the title. I’m not upset she had sex. I’m upset She shared those deep intimate moments that just three weeks ago she told me she was not ready to share with anybody. And now, as I’ve walked with her through her journey and I’ve been patient and respectful, I’m once again left at arm's length when it comes to the more deeply intimate moments. I need advice. My heart feels like it’s in a vice.
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Hey there, just wanted to say that as someone who is trans (trans man) and had this type of relationship with another trans person (trans femme) I have recognized that with other queer people these feelings are pretty heightened in eays that they just aren't for non-queer people. Not saying that's what's happening here but it can play a part in why it's so hard to let go and why the pain feels so intense.

Im also someone who gives unconditionally, it's a part of who I am and because I have no intention of changing who I am in order to emotionally assimilate I now know I have to be careful of who I give myself to. It's really really hard to practice but it began with kindness towards myself. You are deserving reciprocation, there is nothing wrong with you, and you don't have to be perfect. Love is unconditional but relationships are not. Every person you allow to have access to you has the power to change you in irrevocable ways so make sure that it's for the good of your wellbeing. Anyone who loves you wants to give you that. My heart goes out to you.
 
MoPoly said:
It sounds as though inside yourself you already know that you need to leave for your own self-preservation. This woman is never going to change and never going to meet your needs. She’s had 7.5 years to demonstrate that.

Perhaps asking yourself the question “Why am I so attached to someone that doesn’t truly care for me?” might shed some light on why you’ve been prepared to put up with this one-sided relationship for so long. Do you still genuinely love her or is this a co-dependent or addictive pattern from long ago? When we’re “stuck in cement and can’t leave” it is often because these patterns go to the root of our childhood and parenting, the core of our selves. Therapy can be helpful exploring this.

I’m sorry to hear you are hurting so much and still having to deal with her rejection after so many years investing in her both emotionally and financially. But I think you know that things won’t change and you deserve better. So cut yourself free, spend some time reflecting and healing - the pain will pass - and then you will be available to meet someone who truly loves and values you.
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Thank you for this. You are reiterating what everyone has been telling me. I have been struggling a lot. Tonight they are sleeping together. Monday I’m supposed to visit with her and stay for a week. She told me she just wanted to remain in the space she’s in with the other person, so essentially it will be a platonic visit all around. I’m just so tired of being kept at arms length and having different emotional boundaries set for me than every other person she meets. But this is excruciatingly painful
 
Mike53 said:
I read your story and it sounds a lot like mine, the difference being I've been married 16 yrs. I'm a guy, straight. She turned poly about 4 yrs ago. All that pain you're feeling is unfathomable. I've been there. The only thing that helped me was getting a fantastic therapist. Been seeing him every week for the last 2+ yrs. Find one, don't go through this alone
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I have taken a deep dive the last two weeks until self-care, which includes therapy, reiki, massage, etc… I have also been seeking out advice from those that are in polyamorous relationships on forms such as this one. I’m trying to sit with all the information and really decide what I need to do for me, I need to put myself first, and these are words I have never said before
 
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