Help for the union

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Dee100

New member
I’m new to poly I just came out as bisexual in March 2024. I met a beautiful woman online. She was married. We talked for about 6 months long distance before meeting, just me and her. We fell In love before even meeting in person.

So we decided to try poly. I met with her and her husband. I thought I could do it. I relocated and moved right in, dived right into the poly life.

Everything was good until I stopped wanting to have sex with the husband. I didn’t want any sexual contact with him. He really started to gross me out.

And now I’m in love with the wife and need to tell her I’m moving out. I can’t even do it anymore. I was trying for her. He still was texting me asking me to have sex with him. I have turned him down. She said she would choose me if he asked her to choose. We all sleep together. I sleep next to her. I don’t want him to touch me ever. He is so selfish and I can’t bite my tongue anymore so I think it’s best that I leave.

I will not try poly again. I’m beating myself up because I should have gotten to know him before having sex with him. I don’t know what to do. They offered me a room to myself, I think it’s better to just leave. Please help.

Dee
 
Hi Dee, welcome.

I'm sorry it isn't working out and this wasn't what you expected. It kind of sounds they are "unicorn hunters."

Is the lady figuring out her own bisexuality? Did they do any research about opening up their relationship/polyamory? Do they know you aren't obliged to date the husband in polyamory? Husband can date the lady, and you can date the lady separately. It's called a "V."

Polyamory can be amazing with the right partners and when there's a joyful consent from all. It doesn't sound he is fit to do polyamory.

You have to do what is best for YOU. If you don't feel safe around the husband, as he's not respecting your boundaries, please leave. Let the lady figure out what she wants to do with her husband. That isn't your problem. If she leaves him... great. You can date and pursue monogamy if polyamory isn't for you, and that's okay.
 
Hello Dee,

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with poly, poly should be fun and exciting and instead you saw the husband's true colors and it grossed you out. I don't blame you for not wanting to try poly again but I wish you could forgive it for the way it betrayed you. If there's any way I can help let me know.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
LaminarFlow said:
Hi Dee, welcome.

I'm sorry it isn't working out and this wasn't what you expected. It kind of sounds they are "unicorn hunters."
Is Lady figuring out her own bisexuality? Did they do any research about opening up their relationship/polyamory? Do they know you aren't obliged to date the husband in polyamory? Husband can date the lady, and you can date the lady separately. It's called a "V."

Polyamory can be amazing with the right partners and when there's a joyful consent from all. It doesn't sound he is fit to do polyamory.

You have to do what is best for YOU. If you don't feel safe around the husband, as he's not respecting your boundaries, please leave. Let the lady figure out what she wants to do with her husband. That isn't your problem. If she leaves him... great. you can date and pursue monogamy if polyamory isn't for you, and that's okay.
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Yes, we had a few conversations. The first conversation was me telling him that I didn’t wanna have any type of sexual contact with him.

So now me and her are gonna have a conversation tonight. I can’t sleep with the both of them anymore, as far as not sex, just sleeping in the same bed with the both of them. I don’t wanna even be in the room with them. He keeps trying to be nice.

So yeah, they’ve had a third person in the past. I think it was two other young ladies that they, like, had a night with, and wanted to continue, but the young ladies only wanted to be with her and not him, as she is bisexual.

I definitely should have waited to have sex with him. That was discussed prior to me and her first time. But he was there and kind of rushed things a little bit.

Yeah, no more monogamous, no more poly for me.

So tonight me and her will talk about what it will look like, just me and her seeing each other.

He likes for us to greet him with a kiss. I said I didn’t want to kiss him anymore and he didn’t like that. Then I agreed to only hugs, and I would only give half hug. That lasted two days before he was complaining to her. So now I don’t wanna do either. So I feel like I just need to get out of his house. Basically, what he complained about me giving him half hugs, he told her not to discuss it with me. But she did, so I am going to tell her tonight. We will see.

Thanks for the kind words.
 
Dee100 said:
The first conversation was me telling him that I didn’t wanna have any type of sexual contact with him
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Good. Keep your boundaries up. No is no.
Dee100 said:
So now, me and her are gonna have a conversation tonight. I can’t sleep with the both of them anymore, as far as not sex, just sleeping in the same bed with the both of them. I don’t wanna even be in the room with them
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Do you have a place in the house where you can withdraw, that's just for you to have your space? If so, close the door and if they want to speak to you they can kindly knock and you'll let someone in.


Dee100 said:
they’ve had a third person in the past. I think it was two other young ladies that they had a night with, and wanted to continue, but the young ladies only wanted to be with her and not him, as she is bisexual.
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Why is the husband not dating someone else if the ladies don't want to be with him? Threesomes/triads aren't mandatory in polyamory. People can date separately. Perhaps the lady could tell her usband he should find someone else to date?

Dee100 said:
I definitely should have waited to have sex with him.
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It's okay, you know now what you don't want.

Dee100 said:
That was discuss prior to me and her first time, but he was there and he kind of rushed things a little bit yeah no more monogamous no more poly for me.
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Are you okay with the lady dating her husband? You move out? The lady has a relationship with you and her husband, and you do parallel poly between two households? Or do you want to do full monogamy?

Dee100 said:
So tonight me and her will talk about what it will look like, just me and her seeing each other. He likes for us to greet him with a kiss. I said I didn’t want to kiss him anymore. He didn’t like that. Then I agreed to only hugs. I would only give half hug. That lasted two days before he was complaining to her.
So now I don’t wanna do either. I feel like I just need to get out of his house. Basically, what he complained about me giving him half hugs he told her not to discuss it with me. But she did, so I am going to tell her tonight. We will see. Thanks for the kind words.
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Don't have physical contact if you don't feel like it and don't want to. Even if you do not want to give a hug, that's okay if you're not ready for that.
Good luck with the talk tonight, and happy to help.
 
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He sounds like a jerk who probably told his wife to "go find us a girlfriend" and expected you to fuck him etc. as the price of admission to her.

This isn't polyamory, it's manipulation. I'm sorry they have put you through that and I agree you should get out asap. Get away from his expectations and attempts at control. The earlier you leave, the less likely it is to escalate.

You are your number one person. Treat yourself no less than how you'd expect your ideal partner to treat you.
 
I am confused.

I met a beautiful woman online. She was married.
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Okay, but was it an open marriage, or an online cheating affair? It kinda of sounds like he makes her put herself out there as the bait to bring him back goodies. Or she's even into it. Whether its 1 user or 2 users here, the impact is the same on YOU -- it stinks! Get out!

So we decided to try poly. I met with her and her husband. I thought I could do it. I relocated and moved right in, dived right into the poly life.
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If you wanted to move, you could have taken your own flat and dated her from there. What was the big hurry for cohabitation?

Were you expected to date him too, or just share sex with him? That's not actual polyamory.

It sounds like you were hunted and moved in to be a living sex toy.
And now I’m in love with the wife and need to tell her I’m moving out.
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GOOD!

I can’t even do it anymore. I was trying for her.
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That's where you went wrong. If she weren't in the picture, would you still choose polyamory? Or was it just to gain dating access to her?

Whose idea was it for you to date/share sex with the husband, too?

If you wanted to try poly dating her, you could have said, "I want to date you. I'm okay with you also dating your husband. But I don't want to date him or share sex with him. If I choose other partners to date, *I* will pick them out, not you. I will live in my own place."

Why are you all sharing a bed?! Take the room -- where you can LOCK THE DOOR. Check for spy cams in there. But even better, if you can afford it, take a hotel room, or stay with friends while you set up a new flat. Don't be there at all.

This is not actual polyamory. It's weird and abusive sounding. You might consider talking to a domestic violence hotline for tips on leaving safely.

I'm sorry this happened to you. People took advantage of your naïveté.

She said she would choose me if he asked her to choose.
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Why bother telling you that? And why does he even have to ask her to choose, instead of her choosing her own things herself?

She's basically okay with this set up, hon.

Save yourself. Drop them both.

This is not a healthy relationship at all. I hope you can get out safely.


www.loveisrespect.org

Home

Healthy relationships for young adults can be confusing. Love is more than just the way you feel, and we're here to help.
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Galagirl
 
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So I feel like I just need to get out of his house. Basically, what he complained about me giving him half hugs, he told her not to discuss it with me. But she did, so I am going to tell her tonight.
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So is this a case of he's hurting her, and she tells you stuff so you will pity her and stick around? Emotional manipulation of you for her benefit? Because if you are around you take some of the abuses off of her? And not like she's the only one here being abused?

Again, whether there is 1 user or 2 users, the IMPACT is the same on you. This is not a safe place for you to be.

Get yourself out of there ASAP and drop them both.

You actually do not have to tell either one of them your plans to leave. They may try to block or stop you. Have you considered that? You might just want to make your escape plan and then just get gone.

GG
 
Hello. Yes, it started out as poly. I agreed to sleep with him and I started to not want to anymore. I had a conversation with her and she was ok about it, said she was ok with me not sleeping with him. We talked the other day. I told her that he was irritating and I wanted to start sleeping in the other room. To my surprise he like that. She asked why and if he said anything to me or made any advances towards me, and he didn’t. But she said that she didn’t want to sleep from room to room. She didn’t want to split up her nights, and I’m probably prolonging it.

She is my first. I probably should have just left because she did say that if you feel irritated now, you’re always gonna feel irritated. I told her that maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just having anxiety or something, but I was totally surprised. I heard demeanor so I’m still there. I probably need to make a move just so I can feel free. I don’t wanna be angry or have an argument, but I know I don’t wanna be with him. So I don’t know what I’m waiting on to make a move, but I’m going to.
 
Gently... this did NOT start out as healthy polyamory. To me, it is not even polyamory at all.

She started something up with you and got you hooked.

Why would you agree to share sex with him when you don't even know him? That's not polyamory. That's them making it like you have to "pay" him with sex to get to date her.

It's weird and abusive. You feel weird because this situation IS weird.

I had a conversation with her and she was ok about it, said she was ok with me not sleeping with him.
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How "generous." She's okay with you making decisions about your own body. (sarcasm)

Where was this "generosity" at the start and telling you that you don't have to date him, it could just be a poly V?

But she said that she didn’t want to sleep from room to room and she didn’t want to split up her nights.
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She is TELLING you, "My convenience is more important to me than you feeling safe or comfortable. I don't care if you have sex with him or not. I prefer you sleep in this room so I don't have to bother getting up."

People who date each other expect to go to to them and pick them up, or to meet up at the restaurant or whatever for a date. Here? She doesn't even want to do the work of being a hinge and walk to the other room.

I told her that maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m just having anxiety or something. But I was totally surprised.
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You were surprised because you used to think she was the "nice one" compared to him, and instead, found she's just as awful.

I get going into a sort of "fawning" response to get out of more conversation quickly, like putting it on you to "escape." But it is NOT really you. Your feelings are beeping the alarm that you are not safe here. LISTEN to them.

Get out of there entirely! These are not safe people for you to be around. They are harming you. All these mind games-- don't keep playing them.

So I don’t know what I’m waiting on to make a move, but I’m going to.
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Yes. Get out. Save yourself. You don't even have to tell them you are going. They might try to block you from going, or pull your heart strings, or manipulate to get you to stay. You could decide to just get gone and not look back. Then when you land safely somewhere else, think about counseling to process all that happened.

This was NOT okay. This was NOT any healthy anything. Polyamory does not mean you have to accept abuses.

Galagirl
 
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I’m not going there tonight after I get off. I going to text her and not talk until Friday morning when he is at work. Then I can get my things, or she can bring them to me.
 
I just talked to her in person. I didn’t go to the house tonight. I feel terrible. Haven’t said anything to him. She wants all three of us to sit down and talk. I told her I would think about sitting down and talking about him. Still thinking if I should do that.
 
Dee100 said:
I just talked to her in person. I didn’t go to the house tonight. I feel terrible. Haven’t said anything to him. She wants all three of us to sit down and talk. I told her I would think about sitting down and talking about him. Still thinking if I should do that.
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You’re doing great. It’s gotta be so so hard, but you’re doing everything right.
 
I just talked to her in person. I didn’t go to the house tonight. I feel terrible. Haven’t said anything to him. She wants all three of us to sit down and talk. I told her I would think about sitting down and talking about him. Still thinking if I should do that.
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I normally encourage honesty, but all bets are off in this case.

LIE, if you have to. Get your stuff. Bring a friend to help and witness any shenanigans. Make whatever "pretend nice," like you will come back to talk on [date] after you are settled at your new place. Lie about where you are going. They don't need to know your new address.

And then don't bother going to the meet up. You can say "I changed my mind," or not even that. You can block all methods to contact you. You just ghost.

You don't have to tell her you had any intention of following through. You don't have to have conversations again, like you already did. What for?

You do not owe users/abusers honesty, truth, your time, your energy. You do what you gotta to make it to escape day, and get the heck out of there. These people were ok with hurting you.

Don't let her tug on your soft feelings for her so she can access you and hurt you again.

Galagirl
 
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