We're still Green and looking, please help.

[PackageDealJ&J]

Thanks. So these posts are being written by, let's say, Jason. And Jane is reading over your shoulder, so to speak, and you are sharing her thoughts as well.

I am confused. Some of your posts seem like you're saying you are already in a triad, since you speak about your dynamic and activities in the present tense. Like, you currently do some things as the triad, and some things as individual dyads. Or is that just your ideal and you've never really managed to have a successful working triad?

We had a working triad for the past year, but our third got cold feet when it came to us relocating and she left us. It was our first time with a third. We developed routines that worked for the three of us, and focused heavily on communication and growth. We are seeking a new third for our foreseeable future. We've been broken up for about three months now, but the two of us have already discussed our future plans the next time around, which is why I switched between tenses.

Sorry for the confusion. I do hope this clears things up.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps your research and thinking about things any.

Could think about these possible scenarios. They may not all happen. You also don't have to answer anything online, but maybe think on this, just in case. You seem to want reflection prompts, so I'm offering some. Make of it what you will.

Some of the difficulties in poly dating might be the fact that you are new in town, new to polyamory, and also call yourselves a "package deal." Because your first experience (from the sound of it) was a functional triad that ended because that person did not want to move, you seem to be seeking more of same. It is all you have know so far, and it worked out, so why not?

You could read:

https://www.unicorns-r-us.com

Even if you aren't unicorn hunters yourselves, a potential might hear that "package deal" thing and start feeling leery, or give you side eye, or just plain avoid/steer clear of you both. Maybe you want to stop using that phrasing to see if it expands your options.

Can this change from a triad to a poly V if it turns out the potential dating partner is more into one of you, and not both, after a few dates? Or is the expectation that the potential is out and the "original couple" remains? What if it changes to different couples than the "original couple," or even all of you single again? Is everyone prepared for that?

Could it START as a poly V, with a potential dating just one of you for a year, and if it clicks, start to date the other one the next year, and it becomes a poly triad at that point? What if it doesn't click and this potential, you, or your current partner "Jane" meets someone elsewhere and it's more like a poly N? What other configurations would you be open to, or not open to?

I personally have no issues being in love with more than one person.

Okay. But would your two loves (or more) have to be involved and in love with each other?

See, that I don't understand. How is there not much in it for a unicorn? They literally get to have their cake and eat it too. Twice the love and affection, and if they are bi they can sate both of their sexual interests.

Can Potential date outside of you two? Have another partner(s) somewhere else of any gender they are attracted to?

Can Potential be bi and NOT date one of you? Bi women and bi men are 5% and 2% of population. Why limit yourself to 7% of the population? And that is not cross-checked against which of those are actually okay with polyamory. Some bi people may be seeking monogamy.

Yeah, the dynamic we set isn't always the three of us. We do individual things, as well as throuple things, so it's not so overwhelming. The one-on-ones coupled with the throuple on other days reduces stress and builds on an individual basis, as well.

Okay, that reduces your stress.

What if Potential prefers 1:1 dates only for the first six months, to reduce their stress, and no trio dates at all until after that?

Is group sex expected here, or is that optional and not required?

Our plan was a threeway handfasting ceremony, which would essentially carry the same weight as marriage, without being legally binding.

What if Potential comes already legally married, or already handfasted, and doesn't want to do any commitment ceremonies with you two? Is that a deal breaker?

I handle the searching, and weeding out of scams and con artists. She fine tunes our search by weeding out who I think has potential but am uncertain about.

After Potential 1 is found, will you two be poly-dating others using this same method, and still expect all to date everyone else? Are you coming to this like a "group" or "line marriage" of sorts?

Or this is just your and Jane's way of going, and Unicorn1 can poly date whoever else, in their style? Could you change this way of going without Jane getting upset? Could Jane?

Where will people live? Is cohabitation an expectation or an option here? How about the other way -- NOT living together? Is that an expectation or option here?

What's the current floor plan for you and Jane? Everyone gets their own room? And each ones takes turns hosting each other or other partner(s)?

There would be more to discuss, but those are some starting points.

Hope that helps!

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

You're in the USA, right? From what I understand, over there (I'm not in the US) married couples have a lot of privileges over singles (I caught a Reel on this just the other day) with regards to tax, insurance, credit, relationship property, medical decision making, and more besides. So any partners of yours who aren't also married may have disadvantages, legally, that are overall out of your control (unless you divorce each other and set up a different type of arrangement).

I understand some States are starting to recognise more than two people on a birth certificate...do you have kids? Want kids? Happy if your potential partner already has kids? Happy to have a baby or three with your potential partner?

You've talked about handfasting so it sounds like you're "out" to all your family and friends, well done! Do you need your potential partner to be out to all of their family and friends, too? Or would you be okay with just one of you being presented as the partner to keep the peace?

You mentioned your last partner didn't relocate with you, but only because they got cold feet. Was the relocation unavoidable? A long way? Did your ex balk on giving up a stable job or on moving away from their network?

Do you want a closed triad, "like monogamy but with three"? Or are you open to anyone continuing to find more partners over time? In my experience you never know when you're going to come across someone interesting, and it's worthwhile getting to know them to discover if they have come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Again, these questions are more food for thought than anything you have to answer here.

 

[Magdlyn]

You're in the USA, right? From what I understand, over there (I'm not in the US) married couples have a lot of privileges over singles (I caught a Reel on this just the other day) with regards to tax, insurance, credit, relationship property, medical decision making, and more besides. So any partners of yours who aren't also married may have disadvantages, legally, that are overall out of your control (unless you divorce each other and set up a different type of arrangement).

I understand some States are starting to recognise more than two people on a birth certificate.

I just want to point out that this birth certificate ruling was merely in one very progressive city, not state. It is in Somerville, Massachusetts, just outside of Boston, and next door to Cambridge, MA, where Harvard University is, home to many of the most intelligent, highly educated, open-minded, curious and progressive people in the US. I wish it were entire states being this supportive of polyamory!