Recovering from Broken Agreements (ADHD in polyamory)

[pwr2theladies]

Hey there.
My wife and I opened our relationship to polyamory two years ago. My wife met her partner 6 months ago and they fell in love. I had what I'd say were normal bouts of jealousy and envy, but things have been quite rewarding.

That being said, my wife has adhd. We have had many talks about her lack of time management and impulse control, and also her difficulties staying present. She often tries to be in two places at once, randomly trying to find ways to pop over and see partner (when a random opportunity comes up) while she is supposed to be being present with others, including me. We talked about this stuff and she is kind and receptive, then is pulling the same shit a couple of weeks later.

In the last month alone, she crossed my well-communicated boundary about clocking out of our dedicated date time to talk with her partner. She did it again after we talked about it.

She has been so distracted that she wasn't being present with our six-year old daughter, to the point where I had to say something. And now she has broken a relationship agreement. That agreement centered around our daughter. It was very clear, communicated and written down. "A partner does not get to meet our daughter or spend time with them unless we both clearly consent to that." The goal was to protect her emotional well-being and our co-parenting trust.

Basically, she went to a local event with her mother and our daughter, saw another random opportunity to see partner, asked her mother to watch daughter, clocked out of being present with them, walked around the same local event with partner, daughter saw them and ran over, leading to broken agreement.

It wasn't intentional, but it wasn't an innocent accident either. I feel the agreement was neglected through absent-mindedness and a lack of work on her adhd (which we have talked about). I'm hurt because the agreement was broken. Them meeting didn't actually bother me, but I can't trust my wife to be mindful of our agreements. I feel so fucking hurt, betrayed and disrespected right now.

Thoughts advice, questions? Thanks.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi pwr2,

It sounds like your wife has NRE -- six months may not be long enough for the NRE to go away -- and she is letting it make her forget about your needs and her commitment to you. This is something that happens often in poly, NRE is a powerful drug and it impairs judgment. She is going to need you to drop frequent reminders: "Hey, I'm still here, I need your attention/affection too." You will feel like a nag but do it anyway.

Is she getting therapy for her ADHD?
Just wondering,
Kevin T.

 

[Tenebris Vox]

I have to agree with @kdt26417, it looks like NRE (New Relationship Energy). Having autism myself, these things can be tricky. I have to also ask if she's getting treatment out of curiosity. Because you all need to sit calmly and talk about things.

 

[dingedheart]

My wife and I opened our relationship to polyamory two years ago. My wife met her partner 6 months ago and they fell in love. I had what I'd say were normal bouts of jealousy and envy, but things have been quite rewarding.

Do you have other partners as well? Can you share all the rewarding aspects so people can get an idea of balancing the good with some of the not so good?

That being said, my wife has adhd. We have had many talks about her lack of time management and impulse control, and also her difficulties staying present. She often tries to be in two places at once, randomly trying to find ways to pop over and see partner (when a random opportunity comes up) while she is supposed to be being present with others, including me. We talk about this stuff, and she is kind and receptive, then is pulling the same shit a couple of weeks later.

You might want to try harder consequences when it’s happening.

In the last month alone, she crossed my well communicated boundary about clocking out of our dedicated date time to talk with her partner, she did it again after we talked about it.

I’ll suggest there was no real consequence other than getting a stern lecture, or enduring your negative mood.

She has been so distracted that she wasn't being present with our six-year old daughter to the point where I had to say something. And now she has broken a relationship agreement.

How many relationship agreements did you jointly make? You might want to review that list on what are essential and what aren’t, so you don’t feel even more disrespected and betrayed.

"A partner does not get to meet our daughter or spend time with them unless we both clearly consent to that." The goal was to protect her emotional well-being and our co-parenting trust.

Basically, she went to a local event with her mother and our daughter, saw another random opportunity to see partner, asked her mother to watch daughter, clocked out of being present with them, walked around the same local event with partner, daughter saw them and ran over, leading to broken agreement.

It wasn't intentional, but it wasn't an innocent accident either.

The choice to check out from the plane (being with her mother and daughter) was most definitely intentional. She thought because you weren’t there to call her on it, nobody would care. I guess the other question is how intentional was that particular event. Was it planned for grandma to come along with her and your daughter? Was it planned for lover to be there as well? It might look coincidental or put together on the fly, but don’t underestimate the power of people under the influence of NRE.

I feel the agreement was neglected through absent mindedness and a lack of work on her adhd (which we have talked about). I'm hurt because the agreement was broken. Them meeting didn't actually bother me, but I can't trust my wife to be mindful of our agreements. I feel so fucking hurt, betrayed and disrespected right now.

I know nothing about ADHD. I do know a fair amount about how some people act and make choices when influenced with NRE. In my experience, the people doing this either don’t actually believe in the principles of the agreement in the first place, and/or the thoughts, feelings and agreement made with the old shoe are less important now. And obviously the negative consequence part as well if, "Sorry, I’ll try harder next time," is all that’s needed. Over the yrs I’ve heard many people suggest lowering expectations to virtually nothing for NRE-drunk spouses because it’s just the way it is. Let it run its course and hope your spouse has a marriage to come back to if she or he so desires.

Thoughts advice, questions? Thanks.

I'd make a log of these slights or indiscretions over a period of time and then sit her down and plainly tell her how hurtful or how unloving those things feel and how that wasn’t what you signed up for. Maybe you need to change the dynamics of the game to get her attention. "I’m not happy, and you don’t seem to give a shit. Okay, well then, I’m going to stop x, y, or z."

 

[Tenebris Vox]

Do you have other partners as well ? Can you share all the rewarding aspects so people can get an idea of balancing the good with clearly so of the not so good ?


You might want to try harder consequences when it’s happening.


I’ll suggest there was no real consequence other than getting a stern lecture or enduring your negative mood.


how many relationship agreements did you jointly make ? You might want to review that list on what are essential and what aren’t do you don’t feel even more disrespected and betrayed.



The choice to check out from the plane ( being with her mother and daughter ) was most definitely intentional and she thought because you weren’t there to call her on it and nobody would care. I guess the other question is how intentional was that particular event. Was it planned for grandma to come along with her and your daughter …was it planned for lover to be there as well ? It might look coincidental or put together on the fly but don’t underestimate the power of people under the influence of NRE.


I know nothing about ADHD ….i do know a fair amount about how some people act / make choices when influenced with NRE.
N my experience the people doing this either don’t actually believe in/ on the principles of the agreement in the first place AND OR the thoughts, feelings and agreement made with the old shoe are less important now. And obviously the negative consequence part as well if a sorry I’ll try harder next time is all that’s needed. Over the yrs I’ve heard many people suggest lowering expectations to virtually nothing for NRE drunk spouses because it’s just the way it is…let it run its course and hope your spouse has a marriage to come back to if she or he so desires.


Id make a log of these slights or indiscretions over a period of time and then sit her down and plainly tell her how hurtful or how unloving those things feel and that wasn’t what you signed up for. Maybe you need t9 change the dynamics of the game to get her attention. I’m not happy and you don’t seem to give a shit ok well then I’m going to stop x, y, or z.

1. Heightened Intensity

ADHD can amplify emotional experiences. NRE may feel more overwhelming, intense, or all-consuming than for neurotypical partners.

You might find yourself hyper-focused on the new partner, thinking about them constantly, or getting “lost” in the new dynamic.


Impact: Other partners may feel temporarily neglected or less important if the ADHD partner is absorbed in the new connection.


---

2. Impulsivity and Quick Attachment

ADHD can increase impulsivity in both thoughts and actions. You might jump into emotional or sexual intimacy faster, or make big promises without fully considering logistics or existing agreements.

Strong impulsivity + NRE can make boundaries tricky to maintain.


Impact: In a poly setup, this can strain relationships if your excitement leads to neglecting pre-existing partners or agreements.


---

3. Difficulty with Emotional Regulation

ADHD often comes with emotional dysregulation, meaning highs feel higher and lows feel lower. NRE’s excitement may swing rapidly between euphoria and anxiety.

You may feel guilt or confusion when trying to balance NRE with responsibilities to existing partners.


Impact: Emotional volatility can create tension, especially if pre-existing partners feel insecure or left out.


---

4. Distraction and Forgetfulness

ADHD can make it hard to track details, schedules, or plans, which can be exacerbated when new relationships demand attention.

Forgetting a planned date, message, or agreement isn’t intentional, but it can feel like neglect.


Impact: Other partners might feel sidelined, and communication may need to be extra intentional to compensate.


---

5. Hyperfocus

While distraction is common in ADHD, hyperfocus is too. You may become completely absorbed in the new partner—deep conversations, planning future adventures, thinking about them constantly.

This can feel magical for the ADHD person but may unintentionally shift energy away from existing relationships.



---

6. Difficulty Tempering NRE

People with ADHD may struggle to temper the initial rush of NRE, making it harder to pace the relationship.

This can lead to early burnout for the ADHD partner or even overwhelm the new partner if the intensity isn’t mutual.
Regular Punishment with neurodivergent individuals won't work it will be more intense and can cause unforseen circumstances, I speak from experience on this. You have to be more firm while juggling being more patient and less agressive.

 

[Magdlyn]

My longest term partner has ADHD, and anxiety disorder. She's had therapy, she's on meds and yet it still impacts our lives.

I find it frustrating too. It doesn't actually affect us much, as as far as any NRE she's had for a partner. It had however greatly affected us in the last couple years, since her mom developed bad dementia. She tends to get hyper-focused on her mom's care, neglecting both me, and our house, and her other partner and their house too. I'm not sure what will help except keeping her home as long as possible. When she's here, she's focused on me and Malachi and our homes. When she goes to her parents' place, she stays for months on end and completely drops the ball on her partners, despite feeling guilt about it and missing us a lot. But she always finds a reason to not tear herself away. It's very upsetting for me.

 

[dingedheart]

1. Heightened Intensity

ADHD can amplify emotional experiences. NRE may feel more overwhelming, intense, or all-consuming than for neurotypical partners.

You might find yourself hyper-focused on the new partner, thinking about them constantly, or getting “lost” in the new dynamic.

Impact: Other partners may feel temporarily neglected or less important if the ADHD partner is absorbed in the new connection.

So it’s NRE times what-- 3? 10?

2. Impulsivity and Quick Attachment

ADHD can increase impulsivity in both thoughts and actions. You might jump into emotional or sexual intimacy faster, or make big promises without fully considering logistics or existing agreements.

Strong impulsivity + NRE can make boundaries tricky to maintain.

Impact: In a poly setup, this can strain relationships if your excitement leads to neglecting pre-existing partners or agreements.

I would think entering into a poly setup might have a negative effect on job performance and other aspects of life, as well.

3. Difficulty with Emotional Regulation

ADHD often comes with emotional dysregulation, meaning highs feel higher and lows feel lower. NRE’s excitement may swing rapidly between euphoria and anxiety.

You may feel guilt or confusion when trying to balance NRE with responsibilities to existing partners.

Impact: Emotional volatility can create tension, especially if pre-existing partners feel insecure or left out.

To me what you’re describing is amplification, mostly the same challenges, just a higher intensity.

4. Distraction and Forgetfulness

ADHD can make it hard to track details, schedules, or plans, which can be exacerbated when new relationships demand attention.

Forgetting a planned date, message, or agreement isn’t intentional, but it can feel like neglect.

Impact: Other partners might feel sidelined, and communication may need to be extra intentional to compensate.

And you think that responsibility falls on the spouse/SO, and not on the NRE-drunk ADHD person? How does that work with employers or picking the kids up from daycare? Dropping the ball is still dropping the ball, regardless of how lovesick you might be.

5. Hyperfocus

While distraction is common in ADHD, hyperfocus is too. You may become completely absorbed in the new partner—deep conversations, planning future adventures, thinking about them constantly. This can feel magical for the ADHD person, but may unintentionally shift energy away from existing relationships.

Why do you believe shifting energy away would be unintentional? Hyper-focused would mean extremely intentional. This what a need this is what I want this is what I’m going to do.

6. Difficulty Tempering NRE

People with ADHD may struggle to temper the initial rush of NRE, making it harder to pace the relationship. This can lead to early burnout for the ADHD partner or even overwhelm the new partner, if the intensity isn’t mutual.
Regular punishment with neurodivergent individuals won't work. It will be more intense and can cause unforeseen circumstances, I speak from experience on this. You have to be more firm, while juggling being more patient and less aggressive.

So what you’re saying is punishment or consequences will also feel heightened and thus will be considered too harsh and will cause some sort of rebellion or backlash? Is that what you mean by unforeseen circumstances?

NOTE TO LURKERS: if your spouse or SO has an ADHD diagnosis, reject the idea of opening your relationship, because you’ll be in a constant state of poly hell. If you’re poly-bombed by someone with ADHD, just walk then. Don’t waste a yr or two trying to navigate or thread that needle because the neuro map is rigged against you.

Thank you, Tenebris.

 

[Tenebris Vox]

So it’s NRE times what, 3? 10 ?


I would think entering in poly setup might have a negative effect on job performance and other aspects of life as well.

To me, what you’re describing; is amplification. Mostly the same challenges, just a higher intensity.

And you think that responsibility falls on the spouse/SO, and not on the NRE-drunk ADHD person? How does that work with employers or picking the kids up from daycare? Dropping the ball is still dropping the ball, regardless of how love-sick you might be.

Why do you believe shifting energy away would be unintentional? Hyper-focused would mean extremely intentional. This what a need this is what I want this is what I’m going to do.

So what you’re saying is punishment or consequences will also feel heightened, and thus will be considered too harsh and will cause some sort of rebellion or backlash? Is that what you mean by unforeseen circumstances?

NOTE TO LURKERS: if your spouse or SO has an ADHD, diagnosis reject the idea of opening your relationship, because you’ll be in a constant state of poly hell. If you’re poly-bombed by someone with ADHD, just walk then. Don’t waste a yr or two trying to navigate or thread that needle, because the neuro map is rigged against you.

Thank you, Tenebris.

1. Heightened Intensity — “So it’s NRE times what, 3? 10?”

That varies wildly, but yes — many people with ADHD report that NRE can feel three to ten times stronger than they see others experience it.
ADHD affects dopamine regulation — and NRE is itself a dopamine surge. So when the brain’s reward system is already hungry for stimulation, the “new love” chemical cocktail hits like rocket fuel.

What to do:

Recognize it’s a neurochemical storm, not a cosmic soulmate sign.

Use structure: journaling, reminders, intentional check-ins with existing partners to “anchor” the excitement.

Remind yourself that the high will settle — it doesn’t mean the love fades; it just matures.



---

2. Impulsivity and Quick Attachment — “Could that hurt job or life?”

Absolutely, it can — temporarily.
ADHD already strains executive function (focus, planning, time sense). Add the obsession of NRE and you may see dips in work performance, sleep, or self-care.

Healthy framing:
This isn’t moral failure; it’s a management issue. The goal is to put rails on the energy.

Strategies:

Time-boxing: Schedule specific windows for chatting or seeing the new partner.

“Body double” accountability — ask a coworker, partner, or friend to help you stick to routines.

Prioritize basics: food, rest, meds. NRE and ADHD both erode those easily.



---

3. Emotional Regulation — “So it’s just amplification?”

Yes — that’s a great way to see it. The same poly challenges apply, just magnified.
Emotional dysregulation means the spikes and dips are steeper. The key difference is that self-soothing and emotional transitions take longer.

Helpful practice:

Build cool-down rituals: five-minute breathing, journaling, grounding walks.

Share that pattern with partners so they know highs aren’t mania and lows aren’t rejection.



---

4. Distraction and Forgetfulness — “Who’s responsible when the ADHD partner drops the ball?”

The ADHD person is still responsible.
Neurodivergence explains, but doesn’t excuse. Love-drunk or not, forgetting daycare pickup or missing work tasks are real consequences.

Reasonable solution:

Use external systems — phone alarms, shared calendars, visual reminders.

Partners can offer gentle prompts, but shouldn’t carry the burden.
Think “support,” not “babysitting.” The accountability must stay with the ADHD person.



---

5. Hyperfocus — “If it’s focused, how can it be unintentional?”

Good question. Hyperfocus feels intentional because the mind is locked in, but it’s actually compulsive attention rather than deliberate choice.
It’s like a tunnel where everything else fades out — not because the person chooses to ignore others, but because the brain literally filters out competing stimuli.

The fix:

Schedule “re-entry” points: timers, partner check-ins, or alarms that remind you to come up for air.

Talk openly: “If I vanish into focus, please nudge me kindly — I’m not ignoring you.”



---

6. Difficulty Tempering NRE & “Unforeseen Consequences of Punishment”

Right — consequences feel amplified too.
If you respond to an ADHD partner’s slip with harshness or cold withdrawal, they may experience that as rejection times ten. It can trigger shame spirals or defensive rebellion (“Fine, I’ll just do what I want then”).

Better approach:

Replace “punishment” with clear, consistent boundaries.

Calmly outline impacts (“When you miss our date, I feel forgotten”) and expectations (“Let’s reschedule and set a reminder together”).

Follow through predictably, not punitively. ADHD thrives on consistency, not fear.



---

Final Reassurance — It’s Not “Poly Hell” by Default

It’s true that ADHD + polyamory adds complexity. But it’s not doomed.
With structure, communication, self-awareness, and gentle accountability, many neurodivergent people navigate poly relationships beautifully.

It becomes “poly hell” only when:

NRE isn’t acknowledged for what it is (a chemical state, not destiny),

accountability is replaced with excuses, or

existing partners stop communicating needs.


It becomes “poly growth” when:

everyone practices patience with structure,

partners work with the neurotype instead of against it, and

love becomes less about chaos and more about clarity.

 

[MoPoly]

ADHD is not a free pass to do what you like.

I have ADHD and autistic traits. When I was younger I did get wrapped up in hyperfocus and NRE, but then learned ways to show up for other people when I realised how much I’d hurt them. If your wife wants to do poly she needs to show up for you and your daughter and be a good hinge.

If she can’t do it on her own, she needs a coach or counsellor. But she needs to learn to manage her traits, or everyone around will constantly get hurt.

If she just won’t do it… well personally, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where someone showed me that little respect as…

NRE is not a free pass to do what you like, either!

 

[dingedheart]

1. Heightened Intensity — “So it’s NRE times what? 3? 10?”

That varies wildly, but yes — many people with ADHD report that NRE can feel three to ten times stronger than they see others experience it.
ADHD affects dopamine regulation — and NRE is itself a dopamine surge. So when the brain’s reward system is already hungry for stimulation, the “new love” chemical cocktail hits like rocket fuel.

What to do:

Recognize it’s a neurochemical storm, not a cosmic soulmate sign.

Use structure: journaling, reminders, intentional check-ins with existing partners to “anchor” the excitement.

Remind yourself that the high will settle — it doesn’t mean the love fades; it just matures.

To me, this sounds like a good deal of work on the ADHD person's part, and it seems counterintuitive that someone experiencing 3-10x NRE is going to do.

What do you mean by “anchor" the excitement? The purpose of check-ins is to offload excitement or blunt excitement?

---

2. Impulsivity and Quick Attachment — “Could that hurt job or life?”

Absolutely, it can — temporarily.
ADHD already strains executive function (focus, planning, time sense). Add the obsession of NRE and you may see dips in work performance, sleep, or self-care.

Healthy framing:
This isn’t moral failure; it’s a management issue. The goal is to put rails on the energy.

Strategies:

Time-boxing: Schedule specific windows for chatting or seeing the new partner.

“Body double” accountability — ask a coworker, partner, or friend to help you stick to routines.

Prioritize basics: food, rest, meds. NRE and ADHD both erode those easily.

Strategies are for people who see and realize an issue, and acknowledge their role in the issue. If one has executive-function issue and then is blasted with more dopamine, why would anyone expect them to come up with these strategies?

---

3. Emotional Regulation — “So it’s just amplification?”

Yes — that’s a great way to see it. The same poly challenges apply, just magnified.
Emotional dysregulation means the spikes and dips are steeper. The key difference is that self-soothing and emotional transitions take longer.

Helpful practice:

Build cool-down rituals: five-minute breathing, journaling, grounding walks.

Share that pattern with partners so they know highs aren’t mania and lows aren’t rejection.

Good tip.

---

4. Distraction and Forgetfulness — “Who’s responsible when the ADHD partner drops the ball?”

The ADHD person is still responsible.
Neurodivergence explains, but doesn’t excuse. Love-drunk or not, forgetting daycare pickup or missing work tasks are real consequences.

Reasonable solution:

Use external systems — phone alarms, shared calendars, visual reminders.

Partners can offer gentle prompts, but shouldn’t carry the burden.
Think “support,” not “babysitting.” The accountability must stay with the ADHD person.

Screwing off at work, and/or missing deadlines and forgetting daycare pickup aren’t real consequences. They are real-world issue and examples of dropping the ball. Consequences are having the daycare people mad, and imposing an additional charge, or if that becomes habitual (in the NRE window) asking you to find another daycare provider, because other people’s time is worth something too. And there could be untold consequences with an employer-- bad performance reviews could lead to advancement and/or compensation issues. The outside world isn’t going to give a shit about your NRE for an additional partner outside your spouse, so that begs the question why should a spouse of 15 yrs? Which should mean more-- your relationship with an employer or daycare facility, or your legal spouse?

---

5. Hyperfocus — “If it’s focused, how can it be unintentional?”

Good question. Hyperfocus feels intentional because the mind is locked in, but it’s actually compulsive attention rather than deliberate choice.
It’s like a tunnel where everything else fades out — not because the person chooses to ignore others, but because the brain literally filters out competing stimuli.

The fix:

Schedule “re-entry” points: timers, partner check-ins, or alarms that remind you to come up for air.

Talk openly: “If I vanish into focus, please nudge me kindly — I’m not ignoring you.”

Seem like a good deal of work for the spouse of non-ADHD person. So in this poly dynamic with a ADHD person, the spouse not only has to carry all his own emotional stuff (and a good deal of that could be generated by the ADHD spouse), BUT he or she also has to help keep said person semi-grounded, or in the game, or in the marriage. Is that what you’re saying? What about-- if you can’t carry your own baggage, don’t suit up for the game? In scuba diving, if you can’t carry the gear, you can’t dive!

---

6. Difficulty Tempering NRE & “Unforeseen Consequences of Punishment”

Right — consequences feel amplified too.
If you respond to an ADHD partner’s slip with harshness or cold withdrawal, they may experience that as rejection times ten. It can trigger shame spirals or defensive rebellion (“Fine, I’ll just do what I want then”).

Better approach:

Replace “punishment” with clear, consistent boundaries.

If boundaries, and thus “consistent boundaries,” are what we place on ourselves, if those are crossed, we do X. One of the ones we see a lot of here during the NRE phase is device use during spouse date night/time. My personal boundary is to terminate the date. Get up and remove myself from the activity. NO where could that be considered punishment. It’s a consequence. "If you’re not that interested in me right now, that's okay. I’m not that interested getting some fraction of your attention or interest."

Calmly outline impacts (“When you miss our date, I feel forgotten”) and expectations (“Let’s reschedule and set a reminder together”).

What about the expression you can lead a horse to water but you can make them drink?

If you’re been blown off for a date or special dinner with your spouse, why would it be incumbent upon you to suggest rescheduling and setting a reminder? This is like “making sure“ you’re still “dating“ your spouse. If you have to artificially schedule stuff like that--”Let’s pencil in sex next Tuesday night,“ what’s the point? It’s less about connection and desire, and more about fairness and counting the neglect argument.

Follow through predictably, not punitively. ADHD thrives on consistency, not fear.

The OP sounds like he’s but been nothing but consistent, and yet...

Final Reassurance — It’s Not “Poly Hell” by Default

What’s final reassurance mean? Are you familiar with the 3 tenets that make up poly hell?

It’s true that ADHD + polyamory adds complexity. But it’s not doomed.
With structure, communication, self-awareness, and gentle accountability, many neurodivergent people navigate poly relationships beautifully.

From the simple math it’s only going to be 3-10, or exponentially harder. Maybe not doom, but way harder than the average bear.

It becomes “poly hell” only when NRE isn’t acknowledged for what it is (a chemical state, not destiny),

Or when people enjoy too much of the chemical state without regard for the fallout.

accountability is replaced with excuses, or

Accountability is replaced with excuses and deflection…”It’s your jealousy or insecurity talking,“ rug sweeping.

existing partners stop communicating needs.

I’ve never heard of an example of that. That sounds like blame shifting.

It becomes “poly growth” when: everyone practices patience with structure, partners work with the neurotype instead of against it, and love becomes less about chaos and more about clarity.

I’ve never equated love with chaos, but that could just be me.

 

[Magdlyn]

To me, this sounds like a good deal of work on the ADHD person's part, and it seems counterintuitive that someone experiencing 3-10x NRE is going to do.

Are you saying everyone, poly or not, should insist on only dating 100% "average/normal" people, as far as mental or physical health goes, and never making allowances or learnt to cope with anyone who struggles with their neuro-wiring or other issues such as being a little person, having arthritis, being blind, having a missing limb, cancer, etc., etc. ad infinitum?

News flash. No one's perfect. If you're going to insist on only dating perfect people, you're going to be alone forever.

I think Tenebris offered amazingly clear advice for dealing with people with ADHD. Polyamory is only one area where a person with this condition will struggle. They also struggle with cleaning their houses, holding jobs, etc. That doesn't mean they aren't wonderful valuable members of society and aren't worthy of love. Some of the most lovable, kind, intelligent, extremely interesting and cool people I know have ADHD. The key, as for any condition, is to learn and practice coping skills. And their partner(s) will have to learn to cope, just as the ADHD partner will cope with their partner's "shortcomings."

What do you mean by “anchor" the excitement? The purpose of check-ins is to offload excitement or blunt excitement?
Strategies are for people who see and realize an issue, and acknowledge their role in the issue. If one has executive-function issue and then is blasted with more dopamine, why would anyone expect them to come up with these strategies?

Good tip.

Finally some positive feedback.

Screwing off at work, and/or missing deadlines and forgetting daycare pickup aren’t real consequences. They are real-world issue and examples of dropping the ball. Consequences are having the daycare people mad, and imposing an additional charge, or if that becomes habitual (in the NRE window) asking you to find another daycare provider, because other people’s time is worth something too. And there could be untold consequences with an employer-- bad performance reviews could lead to advancement and/or compensation issues. The outside world isn’t going to give a shit about your NRE for an additional partner outside your spouse, so that begs the question why should a spouse of 15 yrs? Which should mean more-- your relationship with an employer or daycare facility, or your legal spouse?
Seem like a good deal of work for the spouse of non-ADHD person.

It is. A person with ADHD, however, may not know they have it. Nowadays, kids in schools are screened for it, but I know adults who didn't get a diagnosis and treatment until they were in their 30s or 40s, so they never learned the coping skills Tenebris laid out.

So in this poly dynamic with a ADHD person, the spouse not only has to carry all his own emotional stuff (and a good deal of that could be generated by the ADHD spouse), BUT he or she also has to help keep said person semi-grounded, or in the game, or in the marriage. Is that what you’re saying? What about-- if you can’t carry your own baggage, don’t suit up for the game? In scuba diving, if you can’t carry the gear, you can’t dive!

Relationships aren't leisure-time fun hobbies/activities. Relationships take work! You're not going to be in any relationship if you refuse to work at it. We are all flawed human beings. We have personal responsibilities to deal with our health issues, yes, but our partners (if they love us) will also need to learn to cope and support us.

You're not perfect either, dinged. IF you date, don't your partners have to learn to deal with your shortcomings and health issues?

If boundaries, and thus “consistent boundaries,” are what we place on ourselves, if those are crossed, we do X. One of the ones we see a lot of here during the NRE phase is device use during spouse date night/time. My personal boundary is to terminate the date. Get up and remove myself from the activity. NO where could that be considered punishment. It’s a consequence. "If you’re not that interested in me right now, that's okay. I’m not that interested getting some fraction of your attention or interest."

That's fine. There is more you could do, if you were faced with a partner who was easily distracted, if you cared to, and wanted progress.

What about the expression you can lead a horse to water but you can make them drink?
If you’re been blown off for a date or special dinner with your spouse, why would it be incumbent upon you to suggest rescheduling and setting a reminder? This is like “making sure“ you’re still “dating“ your spouse. If you have to artificially schedule stuff like that--”Let’s pencil in sex next Tuesday night,“ what’s the point? It’s less about connection and desire, and more about fairness and counting the neglect argument.
The OP sounds like he’s but been nothing but consistent, and yet...
What’s final reassurance mean? Are you familiar with the 3 tenets that make up poly hell?
From the simple math it’s only going to be 3-10, or exponentially harder. Maybe not doom, but way harder than the average bear.

The "average bear" is just an average. It's not a real person. We poly people are quirky, and we are going to have quirky unique partners. That's my experience, anyway.

Or when people enjoy too much of the chemical state without regard for the fallout.
Accountability is replaced with excuses and deflection…”It’s your jealousy or insecurity talking,“ rug sweeping.
I’ve never heard of an example of that. That sounds like blame shifting.
I’ve never equated love with chaos, but that could just be me.

 

[Tenebris Vox]

To me, this sounds like a good deal of work on the ADHD person's part, and it seems counterintuitive that someone experiencing 3-10x NRE is going to do.

What do you mean by “anchor" the excitement? The purpose of check-ins is to offload excitement or blunt excitement?





Strategies are for people who see and realize an issue, and acknowledge their role in the issue. If one has executive-function issue and then is blasted with more dopamine, why would anyone expect them to come up with these strategies?



Good tip.


Screwing off at work, and/or missing deadlines and forgetting daycare pickup aren’t real consequences. They are real-world issue and examples of dropping the ball. Consequences are having the daycare people mad, and imposing an additional charge, or if that becomes habitual (in the NRE window) asking you to find another daycare provider, because other people’s time is worth something too. And there could be untold consequences with an employer-- bad performance reviews could lead to advancement and/or compensation issues. The outside world isn’t going to give a shit about your NRE for an additional partner outside your spouse, so that begs the question why should a spouse of 15 yrs? Which should mean more-- your relationship with an employer or daycare facility, or your legal spouse?




Seem like a good deal of work for the spouse of non-ADHD person. So in this poly dynamic with a ADHD person, the spouse not only has to carry all his own emotional stuff (and a good deal of that could be generated by the ADHD spouse), BUT he or she also has to help keep said person semi-grounded, or in the game, or in the marriage. Is that what you’re saying? What about-- if you can’t carry your own baggage, don’t suit up for the game? In scuba diving, if you can’t carry the gear, you can’t dive!


If boundaries, and thus “consistent boundaries,” are what we place on ourselves, if those are crossed, we do X. One of the ones we see a lot of here during the NRE phase is device use during spouse date night/time. My personal boundary is to terminate the date. Get up and remove myself from the activity. NO where could that be considered punishment. It’s a consequence. "If you’re not that interested in me right now, that's okay. I’m not that interested getting some fraction of your attention or interest."



What about the expression you can lead a horse to water but you can make them drink?

If you’re been blown off for a date or special dinner with your spouse, why would it be incumbent upon you to suggest rescheduling and setting a reminder? This is like “making sure“ you’re still “dating“ your spouse. If you have to artificially schedule stuff like that--”Let’s pencil in sex next Tuesday night,“ what’s the point? It’s less about connection and desire, and more about fairness and counting the neglect argument.


The OP sounds like he’s but been nothing but consistent, and yet...


What’s final reassurance mean? Are you familiar with the 3 tenets that make up poly hell?



From the simple math it’s only going to be 3-10, or exponentially harder. Maybe not doom, but way harder than the average bear.



Or when people enjoy too much of the chemical state without regard for the fallout.


Accountability is replaced with excuses and deflection…”It’s your jealousy or insecurity talking,“ rug sweeping.



I’ve never heard of an example of that. That sounds like blame shifting.


I’ve never equated love with chaos, but that could just be me.

To me, this sounds like a good deal of work on the ADHD person's part, and it seems counterintuitive that someone experiencing 3-10x NRE is going to do.

What do you mean by “anchor" the excitement? The purpose of check-ins is to offload excitement or blunt excitement?





Strategies are for people who see and realize an issue, and acknowledge their role in the issue. If one has executive-function issue and then is blasted with more dopamine, why would anyone expect them to come up with these strategies?



Good tip.


Screwing off at work, and/or missing deadlines and forgetting daycare pickup aren’t real consequences. They are real-world issue and examples of dropping the ball. Consequences are having the daycare people mad, and imposing an additional charge, or if that becomes habitual (in the NRE window) asking you to find another daycare provider, because other people’s time is worth something too. And there could be untold consequences with an employer-- bad performance reviews could lead to advancement and/or compensation issues. The outside world isn’t going to give a shit about your NRE for an additional partner outside your spouse, so that begs the question why should a spouse of 15 yrs? Which should mean more-- your relationship with an employer or daycare facility, or your legal spouse?




Seem like a good deal of work for the spouse of non-ADHD person. So in this poly dynamic with a ADHD person, the spouse not only has to carry all his own emotional stuff (and a good deal of that could be generated by the ADHD spouse), BUT he or she also has to help keep said person semi-grounded, or in the game, or in the marriage. Is that what you’re saying? What about-- if you can’t carry your own baggage, don’t suit up for the game? In scuba diving, if you can’t carry the gear, you can’t dive!


If boundaries, and thus “consistent boundaries,” are what we place on ourselves, if those are crossed, we do X. One of the ones we see a lot of here during the NRE phase is device use during spouse date night/time. My personal boundary is to terminate the date. Get up and remove myself from the activity. NO where could that be considered punishment. It’s a consequence. "If you’re not that interested in me right now, that's okay. I’m not that interested getting some fraction of your attention or interest."



What about the expression you can lead a horse to water but you can make them drink?

If you’re been blown off for a date or special dinner with your spouse, why would it be incumbent upon you to suggest rescheduling and setting a reminder? This is like “making sure“ you’re still “dating“ your spouse. If you have to artificially schedule stuff

When ADHD mixes with New Relationship Energy, everything tends to feel turned up a few notches. The chemical surge that comes with NRE is already powerful, but for someone whose brain naturally runs on low dopamine, that hit can feel like rocket fuel. What other people experience as excitement might register as complete emotional immersion. It’s not uncommon for the ADHD partner to find themselves thinking about the new person constantly, replaying conversations, and feeling pulled toward them as if gravity itself had shifted. It’s easy for this to look like neglect of existing partners, but it’s really a neurochemical flood rather than a deliberate choice. The goal isn’t to shame the feeling—it’s to build enough structure around it so that life and other relationships don’t get swept away in the current.

Impulsivity plays a part too. ADHD can make emotional or physical connection feel urgent, leading to rapid attachment or over-promising. In the middle of that dopamine rush, the brain says “yes” before the schedule or emotional bandwidth are checked. This doesn’t excuse boundary slips, but it helps to understand the mechanism: impulse first, reflection later. Using external supports—shared calendars, planned check-ins, or simply giving oneself a day before acting on a new idea—can keep enthusiasm from turning into chaos.

Emotionally, the highs and lows are sharper. ADHD brings difficulty with regulation, so the joy of a new bond can swing quickly into guilt or anxiety when balance feels off. Partners can help by keeping communication open and predictable; grounding rituals or agreed-upon check-ins give the relationship a stable rhythm while the feelings find equilibrium.

Distraction and forgetfulness are also real risks. An ADHD brain that’s busy chasing novelty will often misplace dates, tasks, or messages. Responsibility still lies with the person who forgot; love doesn’t override accountability. What helps is designing systems—reminders, visual cues, or partner-shared notes—so that memory isn’t left to willpower alone.

Hyperfocus adds another layer. It feels intentional because attention is locked so tightly, yet it isn’t a conscious decision to exclude others; it’s more like being pulled into a tunnel. The remedy isn’t punishment but planned re-entry points: alarms, scheduled family time, or gentle nudges from a partner that bring awareness back to the wider world.

Consequences need special care. Harsh punishment or cold withdrawal can hit an ADHD partner with disproportionate intensity, triggering shame or defensiveness that makes repair harder. Firm but calm boundaries work far better—explaining the impact, agreeing on concrete steps to rebuild trust, and following through consistently. Predictability helps the neurodivergent brain feel safe enough to cooperate instead of rebel.

None of this means that ADHD and polyamory are incompatible. It does mean that the usual poly challenges—time, attention, balance—require more intentional structure. When everyone understands how neurodivergence shapes the emotional landscape, the situation stops feeling like “poly hell” and becomes a shared problem to solve. With communication, patience, and clear systems, that amplified energy can be channeled into connection rather than chaos.

 

[Tenebris Vox]

To me, this sounds like a good deal of work on the ADHD person's part, and it seems counterintuitive that someone experiencing 3-10x NRE is going to do.

What do you mean by “anchor" the excitement? The purpose of check-ins is to offload excitement or blunt excitement?

Strategies are for people who see and realize an issue, and acknowledge their role in the issue. If one has executive-function issue and then is blasted with more dopamine, why would anyone expect them to come up with these strategies?

Good tip.

Screwing off at work, and/or missing deadlines and forgetting daycare pickup aren’t real consequences. They are real-world issue and examples of dropping the ball. Consequences are having the daycare people mad, and imposing an additional charge, or if that becomes habitual (in the NRE window) asking you to find another daycare provider, because other people’s time is worth something too. And there could be untold consequences with an employer-- bad performance reviews could lead to advancement and/or compensation issues. The outside world isn’t going to give a shit about your NRE for an additional partner outside your spouse, so that begs the question why should a spouse of 15 yrs? Which should mean more-- your relationship with an employer or daycare facility, or your legal spouse?

Seem like a good deal of work for the spouse of non-ADHD person. So in this poly dynamic with a ADHD person, the spouse not only has to carry all his own emotional stuff (and a good deal of that could be generated by the ADHD spouse), BUT he or she also has to help keep said person semi-grounded, or in the game, or in the marriage. Is that what you’re saying? What about-- if you can’t carry your own baggage, don’t suit up for the game? In scuba diving, if you can’t carry the gear, you can’t dive!

If boundaries, and thus “consistent boundaries,” are what we place on ourselves, if those are crossed, we do X. One of the ones we see a lot of here during the NRE phase is device use during spouse date night/time. My personal boundary is to terminate the date. Get up and remove myself from the activity. NO where could that be considered punishment. It’s a consequence. "If you’re not that interested in me right now, that's okay. I’m not that interested getting some fraction of your attention or interest."

What about the expression you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink?

If you’re been blown off for a date or special dinner with your spouse, why would it be incumbent upon you to suggest rescheduling and setting a reminder? This is like “making sure“ you’re still “dating“ your spouse. If you have to artificially schedule stuff like that--”Let’s pencil in sex next Tuesday night,“ what’s the point? It’s less about connection and desire, and more about fairness and counting the neglect argument.

The OP sounds like he’s but been nothing but consistent, and yet...

What’s final reassurance mean? Are you familiar with the 3 tenets that make up poly hell?

From the simple math it’s only going to be 3-10, or exponentially harder. Maybe not doom, but way harder than the average bear.

Or when people enjoy too much of the chemical state without regard for the fallout.

Accountability is replaced with excuses and deflection… ”It’s your jealousy or insecurity talking,“ rug sweeping.

I’ve never heard of an example of that. That sounds like blame shifting.

I’ve never equated love with chaos, but that could just be me.

Saying I've said nothing of substance, while you yourself ask questions of no substance, is antithetical. It intensely has proven that you haven't actually taken in what I've said, selecting parts and trying to pick fault of someone who thinks differently. This says to me just one thing. But I will be more careful with my wording.

 

[pwr2theladies]

This all great discussion folks. Please feel free to keep it going.

Yeah, I have made an effort to learn more about adhd before this.

I currently have no partners which is common i hear for straight men. No this is not me being jealous.

We talked about lot and will have weekly check in until sorted. She agrees that she has a lot more self work to do. I was more blunt about things this time but still injected some compassion.

The key thing is these visits of opportunity with partner when she is ducking out on people including herself

 

[Tenebris Vox]

This all great discussion folks. Please feel free to keep it going.

Yeah, I have made an effort to learn more about adhd before this.

I currently have no partners which is common i hear for straight men. No this is not me being jealous.

We talked about lot and will have weekly check in until sorted. She agrees that she has a lot more self work to do. I was more blunt about things this time but still injected some compassion.

The key thing is these visits of opportunity with partner when she is ducking out on people including herself

It's certainly something, I have one partner at the moment I have so much going on irl that it in itself seems cruel to put that on top of any new relationship. It's hard enough to find someone to connect with, without everything else. My intention was to try and establish a baseline, it wasn't intentional to make it the actual subject, the OP seem to make it a key aspect unless I was mistaken.

 

[FeralGeek]

I thought I responded to this, but I suppose I never hit send.

I don't agree with the idea that a mental health diagnosis should allow for a lower standard of behavior. So she has ADHD. What does that have to do with if she's a good parent? She can have one and be the other and while one may make the other harder or more complicated, it certainly does not provide forgiveness for sub-standard performance.

Yes, everyone should be educated and mindful and REASONABLY accommodating of their loved one's diagnoses. I have several myself and the scars that go along with them and have never been perfect, but I have also never used them as defenses for my shortcomings, nor have I accepted such defenses in court from my ex-spouse.

If I am struggling and I mess up because of something that only I have to deal with, I acknowledge that I messed up and I work on it until I stop messing up that way, but I have never sought exoneration from any responsibility that I can blame no one but myself for taking on.

 

[dingedheart]

Here’s what I wrote and YOU quoted:
To me, this sounds like a good deal of work on the ADHD person's part, and it seems counterintuitive that someone experiencing 3-10x NRE is going to do.

Are you saying everyone, poly or not, should insist on only dating 100% "average/normal" people, as far as mental or physical health goes, and never making allowances or learnt to cope with anyone who struggles with their neuro-wiring or other issues such as being a little person, having arthritis, being blind, having a missing limb, cancer, etc., etc. ad infinitum?

I was trying to connect the various concepts in play with the OP’s situation. I believe he was poly bombed a couple yrs back and at the time didn’t feel any desire to date himself, so he/they were going to be in a one-sided poly experience, mono-poly dynamic. The comment you quoted was questioning someone new to poly, with all the issues Tenebris has kindly pointed out, and the possible strategies to counteract the inevitable fall-out is that likely. Summary: someone with ADHD pushing to open their 10-12 yr mono marriage is going to have a much harder time juggling all the balls than not.

Now, if said ADHD person wants to date other people with the same condition, I’m not sure anyone should care. Date all the quirky people you want as long as it doesn’t get too intrusive to your family.

News flash. No one's perfect. If you're going to insist on only dating perfect people, you're going to be alone forever.

See above …how you made this about dating perfect people, I’m confused. I was talking the work load of the ADHD person!

I think Tenebris offered amazingly clear advice for dealing with people with ADHD. Polyamory is only one area where a person with this condition will struggle. They also struggle with cleaning their houses, holding jobs, etc. That doesn't mean they aren't wonderful valuable members of society and aren't worthy of love. Some of the most lovable, kind, intelligent, extremely interesting and cool people I know have ADHD. The key, as for any condition, is to learn and practice coping skills. And their partner(s) will have to learn to cope, just as the ADHD partner will cope with their partner's "shortcomings."

Yes, all of that is true. HOWEVER, opening a 10-yr marriage is a choice. Effectively wiping the old marriage or relationship off the map and starting fresh. And it sounds to me there is a good deal of tiptoeing around the ADHD person, which in making such a transition, especially if one side remains mono, is exponentially going to be harder. It’s hard in perfect laboratory conditions and with executive function issues and 3-10 times NRE, and then on top of that, the mono has to learn best practices for dealing with their lovesick spouse, and lovesick for someone else. It just seems like an enormous ask.

Finally some positive feedback.

I appreciate all of his feedback. I thought it was very enlightening.

It is. A person with ADHD, however, may not know they have it. Nowadays, kids in schools are screened for it, but I know adults who didn't get a diagnosis and treatment until they were in their 30s or 40s, so they never learned the coping skills Tenebris laid out.

Well, that’s not exactly the case here (according to the OP). And to my knowledge, this is the first thread that has talked about the possible issues and the possible strategies to counter those issues.

(Maybe someone could post Tenebris's advice in the resource section. Kev, get on that.)

Relationships aren't leisure-time fun hobbies/activities.

Can be if you find the right partner.

Relationships take work! You're not going to be in any relationship if you refuse to work at it. We are all flawed human beings. We have personal responsibilities to deal with our health issues, yes, but our partners (if they love us) will also need to learn to cope and support us.

You’re saying a guy that signed up for a mono marriage who, out of love (I don’t know in this case, but lots of cases) reluctantly opens the marriage so his beloved wife can explore her sexuality or find fulfillment isn’t doing enough “work“ out of love so their spouse can enjoy other romantic attachments and experience/enjoy other penises or vaginas? Do more work on him or herself and the relationship during the transition out of love and commitment to get some shared or fraction/less of what you had in the old marriage, and you have to do it delicately, because if you don’t you’ll get bad outcomes?

You're not perfect either, dinged.

Most flawed person I know. It’s embarrassing.

IF you date, don't your partners have to learn to deal with your shortcomings and health issues?

Lucky I don’t have health issues, YET. But then again, I don’t go looking for problems either. I’m sure my life will end in a bang. I’m sure, yes, but how are my shortcomings relevant to this idea of an unbalanced work load by a poly-bombed mono guy?

That's fine. There is more you could do, if you were faced with a partner who was easily distracted, if you cared to, and wanted progress.

I’m sure you’re not aware of how many mono guys I’ve talked with over the yrs trying to make the transition after being poly-bombed, but most if not all, tried and “cared,“ and they all expressed their concerns or issues when, let’s say, excessive texting or device use occurred (using that as example. because it was mentioned earlier).

In general, do you think the behavior stopped? I’m sure in most cases it became less obvious and/or more covert. The guys living in that situation (and we have no idea if their wives or SOs had ADHD) said they felt hurt and disrespected that their spouses didn’t “care.“ Who should bear the responsibility? The poly spouse, ADHD or not, or the mono spouse just trying to hang on, or fighting for scraps? I’m not implying the OP is fighting for scraps, just thinking of some of the past people I’ve talked with where NRE has run amuck.

The "average bear" is just an average. It's not a real person. We poly people are quirky, and we are going to have quirky unique partners. That's my experience, anyway.

Again, not talking about dating quirky or average people/bears. It’s about a married couple considering the process of opening their marriage and what that is going to entail. Does someone have the hinge skills? Are they self-aware enough to know that lack most of the hinge skills? Is there a lot of codependency? Does the mono spouse have insecurity issues, etc., etc.?

Hey, the mono spouse has jealousy issues. The mantra has been to be supportive where you can. But his or her emotional response is his or hers to deal with! I can’t make you feel anything or any way. How is this so different just because there’s an ADHD diagnosis??? I guess why should be so different …it is different but why should it be a get out of class free card.

Now, if the ADHD spouse is making an effort and is asking for help and setting up alarms and scheduling check-ins, to me that's a completely different set of facts, and it shows respect and responsibility. And granted, we’re only seeing the ones when the wheels are starting to come off. But if it has to come from the guy who was trying to hang on to his wife and family, it seems to me an unfair ask.

 

[Magdlyn]

I don't agree with the idea that a mental health diagnosis should allow for a lower standard of behavior. So she has ADHD. What does that have to do with if she's a good parent? She can have one and be the other and while one may make the other harder or more complicated, it certainly does not provide forgiveness for sub-standard performance.

I don't think of ADHD or other neuro-spicy issues as "mental health problems," exactly. And I don't think many neuro-atypical people do. Their brains are wired differently. They have a different approach to how their thoughts operate, to how they process info and stimulation, than neuro-typical people do. There is all kinds of info around about how ADHD people perceive information coming at them.

Be that as it may, whatever the health issue may be, mental or physical (I listed a few above, but of course there are thousands), everyone that is dealing with this or that challenge is going to need accommodations to some extent, right? If you're in a wheelchair, if you need a year off work and housework because you're undergoing chemotherapy, if you only have one arm, if you're transgender, etc., etc., the people around you, at work, school, at home, will have to allow you accommodations. In fact, it's law, in public places.

So of course, family members will have to accommodate for their loved ones with ADHD. If they don't want to, well, good luck finding someone to make accommodations for them when they need it. You know? There's this thing called compassion. In a marriage, we have the concept of "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health." We don't vow to give up on someone when they're unwell, suffer a loss, are struggling with personal issues, etc.

My partner Pixi has ADHD, anxiety, and has a lack of full mobility in her arms. I have arthritis. We accommodate for each other. I am, in fact, honored to make the "extra" effort to help her be more efficient and stay on better track. She gets distracted easily. She puts things down and forgets where. Sometimes I help her, and sometimes I go, "There you go again," and let her find her laptop or water bottle or whatever it is (just one example). I help her with getting dressed when she's in a hurry (because her arms make it more difficult to do certain things). She has dressing tools to aid her too. It's not all up to me.

For me, my knees make steep stairs hard the older I get, so Pixi and Aries help me with running up and down our basement stairs with laundry, or when we take snacks down to our TV room. They walk slower when we go for walks than they would without me. And so on.

Extrapolate this to polyamory...

Unlike what is being implied in this thread, Pixi's NRE was not 3x-10x stronger than mine. In fact, ADHD people get distracted, or they get hyper-focused. You can't really predict it (at least, I can't). Could be one or the other. Her NRE for me only lasted 3 months. I wouldn't say it felt more intense than my own for her did. She had other major things going on in her life when we met that required a lot of focus. We settled into a more pleasant but deep love. It wasn't out of control. We did have some issues with agreements around timeframes for dates and stuff. We had to focus on establishing dependable structure, which we did. Anyway, I don't mean to write a novel.

Yes, everyone should be educated and mindful and reasonably accommodating of their loved one's diagnoses. I have several myself, and the scars that go along with them. I have never been perfect, but I have also never used them as defenses for my shortcomings, nor have I accepted such defenses in court from my ex-spouse.

As long as one is being treated and following a treatment plan for whatever health issue it may be, no one has a right to complain. If someone wants to dump a new partner because she has cancer, well, that's evidence of their lack of character, or strength, but not a dis on the person with the cancer.

If I am struggling and I mess up because of something that only I have to deal with, I acknowledge that I messed up and I work on it until I stop messing up that way, but I have never sought exoneration from any responsibility that I can blame no one but myself for taking on.

I have heard countless people with ADHD saying they do take on things and then don't complete them. It's pretty much par for the course. Doesn't mean they're a bad person. I do need to remind Pixi to not take on too much. She also had to drop certain jobs (before we met, which was when she was 31) , that didn't provide the right kind of structure. She found a great job that provides the right kind of structure, stimulation, changes of pace throughout the day, etc. She is incredibly loved and appreciated at her job. In fact, part of her job is working hard at creating accommodations for people with special needs!

We have a friend though (he's 50 now), who had had 30 jobs in his life, never holding one for long, until he finally got help and was tested and treated for ADHD a few years ago. He's actually a stay-at-home dad to his two school-aged kids now, while his wife is the breadwinner. He's doing better in that role than he'd ever done at other jobs.

As for the OP and his wife's neglecting to not let their daughter meet the newer partner, I'd recommend not taking it personally. It's possible to take in the bigger picture to lessen the feelings of being "fucking hurt, betrayed and disrespected." I don't think polyamory is a lost cause, since my partner seems to handle it very well. In fact, having two partners instead of one seems to suit her better than just having one would. But YMMV.

This is a huge important topic to me, but I've gone on long enough.

 

[Magdlyn]

Here’s what I wrote and YOU quoted:
To me, this sounds like a good deal of work on the ADHD person's part, and it seems counterintuitive that someone experiencing 3-10x NRE is going to do.

I was trying to connect the various concepts in play with the OP’s situation. I believe he was poly bombed a couple yrs back, and at the time, didn’t feel any desire to date himself, so he/they were going to be in a one-sided poly experience, mono-poly dynamic. The comment you quoted was questioning someone new to poly, with all the issues Tenebris has kindly pointed out, and the possible strategies to counteract the inevitable fall-out is that likely. Summary: someone with ADHD pushing to open their 10-12 yr mono marriage is going to have a much harder time juggling all the balls than not.

See above, how you made this about dating perfect people, I’m confused. I was talking the work load of the ADHD person!

You are right. I read your post wrong and I apologize! You were talking about the work the person with ADHD has to do, to be self-aware, to stay focused, etc., not the work their partner needs to do to accommodate for the person with ADHD.

Yes, all of that is true. However, opening a 10-yr marriage is a choice. Effectively wiping the old marriage or relationship off the map and starting fresh. And it sounds to me there is a good deal of tiptoeing around the ADHD person, which in making such a transition, especially if one side remains mono, is exponentially going to be harder.

See above. I've never needed to "tiptoe" around Pixi. However, I have needed to "walk on eggshells" around a close family member who has borderline personality disorder. Now, her emotions are intense! She rages, she used to self medicate to be able to stand herself, etc.

It’s hard in perfect laboratory conditions and with executive function issues and 3-10 times NRE, and then on top of that, the mono has to learn best practices for dealing with their lovesick spouse, and lovesick for someone else. It just seems like an enormous ask.



Well, that’s not exactly the case here (according to the OP). And to my knowledge, this is the first thread that has talked about the possible issues and the possible strategies to counter those issues.

(Maybe someone could post Tenebris's advice in the resource section. Kev, get on that.)

Kevin isn't a mod. And we are not a mental health board. I am not sure a list of how to deal with ADHD belongs in Golden Nuggets.

Can be if you find the right partner.

For you, I guess. I'm not sure you've been in a serious long-term relationship since your divorce long ago.

You’re saying a guy that signed up for a mono marriage who, out of love (I don’t know in this case, but lots of cases) reluctantly opens the marriage so his beloved wife can explore her sexuality or find fulfillment isn’t doing enough “work“ out of love so their spouse can enjoy other romantic attachments and experience/enjoy other penises or vaginas? Do more work on him or herself and the relationship during the transition out of love and commitment to get some shared or fraction/less of what you had in the old marriage, and you have to do it delicately, because if you don’t you’ll get bad outcomes?


Most flawed person I know. It’s embarrassing.

So despite your "perfect health" you are the most flawed person you know? You've never been sick but you're full of flaws, but no one has ever had to accommodate for said flaws? Or are you throwing this all away as a joke for reasons?

Lucky I don’t have health issues, YET. But then again, I don’t go looking for problems either. I’m sure my life will end in a bang. I’m sure, yes, but how are my shortcomings relevant to this idea of an unbalanced work load by a poly-bombed mono guy?

If you're perfect, obviously you can't relate to ever having needed help when you're not well, so ignore all that.

Now, if the ADHD spouse is making an effort and is asking for help and setting up alarms and scheduling check-ins, to me that's a completely different set of facts, and it shows respect and responsibility. And granted, we’re only seeing the ones when the wheels are starting to come off. But if it has to come from the guy who was trying to hang on to his wife and family, it seems to me an unfair ask.

 

[FeralGeek]

I don’t think I disagree with anything you said, Mags. It’s a pretty near-and-dear topic myself and -…

I had to rewrite this next bit a few times cuz my pulse kept rising and I realized that my experience may not be particularly common and I may have just straight up been projecting a bit. My tremendous apologies if this is the case, I think I just got a little triggered from my children’s mother. She did a number on me and I’m still a little… jumpy.

I hope everyone keeps the salt nearby for all of our responses. None of us are professionals, we’re just giving our own, human, prone-to-error, mostly-anecdotal experiences and should only be treated as such. You disagree with me, I might just be the one most vociferously defending your right to do so!