MFM or FMF - perceptions of ease

Evie

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
To avoid a full hijack of another thread, let's discuss this here. I'll start with my perceptions.

Perception 1a: a lot of men who post here want FMF relationships. One man, two women. Bonus if the women are into each other. Often that man is in an original married couple who are unicorn hunting.

Perception 1b: we have a quite a few members who actually have this set up (but usually V rather than triad) but a LOT more people who create accounts looking for it.

Perception 2a: women are frequently hinges in polycules, creating MFM configurations, or FFM ones. We have/have had quite a large number of members over the years who are in this configuration.

Perception 2b: we have the occasional new profile created by a woman looking for this.

N.B. Often, polycules are also more complex than three people. So there may be zigzags (multiple hinges) or stars in a polycule.

Possible reasons that MFM or MFF *seems* more common than FMF (my observations over the last 10 years).

- Women are more likely to sustain being a hinge than men are. Men want to be hinges but women are more likely to be able to develop two or more longer term relationships.

- It can be difficult for men to find women who agree to sharing him with another. Since a large number of our posters are from the US, given long standing sociopolitical factors, women are vulnerable (especially financially) when a relationship ends, so the idea of sharing is not just an emotional challenge, it's potentially literally life or death.

- Participating in forums like this (or Reddit) is more common among women.

- Personal bias since I'm in a zigzag and am both a leg and a hinge but I tend to subconsciously notice more successful V posts with women as hinges.

What have others noticed in the discourses both here and on the wider web regarding buildable and sustainable polycule configurations?
 
I’m surprised I’m the first (or one of the first) to reply to this. Chances are the lack of response is just that this post happened a bit more overnight for us USA forum users.

To the point though, I think you kind of hit it. I (and probably others) appreciate the use of your caveats - that this is observational and bordering on anecdotal - and why you’re also asking a wider audience about these perceptions and sustainable configurations.

But, again, you nailed it. This is also what I see. This is also what I see as successful. And I also believe your reasoning is close to the truth if not bang-on.

And luckily, we have awesome users like you, Magdlyn, Kevin, ref, and even SeasonedPolyAgain (although they’ve been MIA I’m afraid) who are there to explain this and link to prior threads to all the new people. We (really the more senior members of the forum) also do a great job for understanding exceptions to the norms.

I planned on writing so much more, but I think I was just getting a little too talkative.
 
Women tend to be more emotional than men, so they are more inclined to joining online-support groups. I'm not sure if other data can be proven. It's fair to you say it comes from your own perception. I wouldn't know, but to me a FMF or FFFM seems like a more appropriate setting, at least for what I envision. But yeah, once again, good observation. Had to google a lot of these words, so I'm learning
 
Hi @phillip could you please elaborate on what you mean by "more appropriate setting"?
 
It would be more appropriate for what I want. I would not like to go in details about it publicly, if that's okay.
 
I think it's a total myth that women are more emotional than men. That's a type of deficit thinking that positions men as incapable of having a wide range of emotions.

Men are often less exposed to other men's emotions so don't see how emotional men can be (because of the toxic masculinity culture of not showing emotion in front of others) but that doesn't mean they feel any less.
 
phillip said:
It would be more appropriate for what I want. I would not like to go in details about it publicly, if that's okay.
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Thanks for clarifying that it's what you desire for yourself, and not what should be some kind of natural order.
 
I agree that men feel emotions just as deeply. My point was that women are often more open to expressing it, especially in social or online spaces. And yes, it's a cultural thing. I wouldn't call it toxic, because that comes off as judgmental and loaded-- kind of what you're pushing against here. It’s more about traditional expectations of how men should behave.
 
Yes, and that's also "misogyny, homophobia, and violent domination", which are not related to women expressing emotions more than men.

That's like seeing a wheel and saying "that's a car". It could be a truck, a scooter, or just a wheel.

I'm not going to engage in this off-topic discussion anymore.
 
Evie said:
To avoid a full hijack of another thread, let's discuss this here. I'll start with my perceptions.

Perception 1b: a lot of men who post here want FMF relationships. One man, two women. Bonus if the women are into each other. Often that man is in an original married couple who are unicorn hunting.

Perception 1b: we have a quite a few members who actually have this set up (but usually V rather than triad) but a LOT more people who create accounts looking for it.

Perception 2a: women are frequently hinges in polycules, creating MFM configurations, or FFM ones. We have/have had quite a large number of members over the years who are in this configuration.

Perception 2b: we have the occasional new profile created by a woman looking for this.

N.B. Often, polycules are also more complex than three people. So there may be zigzags (multiple hinges) or stars in a polycule.

Possible reasons that MFM or MFF *seems* more common than FMF (my observations over the last 10 years).

- Women are more likely to sustain being a hinge than men are. Men want to be hinges but women are more likely to be able to develop two or more longer term relationships.

- It can be difficult for men to find women who agree to sharing him with another. Since a large number of our posters are from the US, given long standing sociopolitical factors, women are vulnerable (especially financially) when a relationship ends, so the idea of sharing is not just an emotional challenge, it's potentially literally life or death.

- Participating in forums like this (or Reddit) is more common among women.

- Personal bias since I'm in a zigzag and am both a leg and a hinge but I tend to subconsciously notice more successful V posts with women as hinges.

What have others noticed in the discourses both here and on the wider web regarding buildable and sustainable polycule configurations?
Click to expand...
To answer your final question, I have noticed few actual Vs. Generally if people are poly, each person in a V, not just the hinge, is also a hinge.

So, for example, if there is a MFM V:
Each guy might also be a hinge, having another gf or bf (or two).

I think women culturally, are more encouraged to be socially adept, and to be allowed to network, discuss, without fear of being judged as "weak" for showing emotions, doubt, insecurity, etc. But successful poly men, men of today, who are not drenched in toxic masculinity, are more socially adept. They can be vulnerable, they can be aware of love languages, and Non-Violent Communication skills, etc. They can adapt, negotiate, respect boundaries, etc. They don't have to be possessive and think about "owning" a woman, and "sharing" her with other men.

I expect this kind of knowledge and these skills to increase in the circles where polyamory is more common.

Men just have to be careful to not collect partners like men of old collected harems, like collecting possessions for the pure reason of more sex, or for social status, and/or to appear rich enough to financially support more than one woman, etc.
 
phillip said:
Women tend to be more emotional than men, so they are more inclined to joining online-support groups. I'm not sure if other data can be proven.
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Can you prove this one? I know "women are more emotional than men" is something that is frequently stated, but i'm gonna go ahead and ask you to please link me to a study or an article that makes this claim and then provides proof to back it up because I do not believe this initial premise is true.

To answer the original question, I find most people's confusion comes from the difficulty in not extrapolating from their own limited, anecdotal experiences. Most folks have never questioned if their "gut" is actually accurate and 99 times out of 100, it's not. Also, the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Evie, we don't actually have any sort of data for this site, do we? We could do a survey! I'd love to actually do some science about this.
 
FeralGeek said:
Evie, we don't actually have any sort of data for this site, do we? We could do a survey! I'd love to actually do some science about this.
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The beauty of this site is it's a gold mine waiting to be...mined. Rather than a new survey of just current participants, it would be possible to do a convenience sample of blogs over the years and see what polycule shapes show up.
 
Evie said:
The beauty of this site is it's a gold mine waiting to be...mined. Rather than a new survey of just current participants, it would be possible to do a convenience sample of blogs over the years and see what polycule shapes show up.
Click to expand...
I have some time on my hands if this becomes something that just needs some effort.
 
FMF seems like the the best possible outcome for straight dudes out there but it is extremely difficult to get started. What I did notice from reading and talking to another guy in a similar situation is that having a partner have a cuckquean fetish makes it more feasible. I kind of lucked into it.
 
Stevek said:
I kind of lucked into it.
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I appreciate the humility, but let’s be fair, being a straight guy who can maintain a healthy relationship with ONE woman, let alone multiple, is remarkable in and of itself. You’re obviously bringing something to the table besides luck.

I suspect emotional maturity.
 
FeralGeek said:
I appreciate the humility, but let’s be fair, being a straight guy who can maintain a healthy relationship with ONE woman, let alone multiple, is remarkable in and of itself. You’re obviously bringing something to the table besides luck.

I suspect emotional maturity.
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You also need to be in relationship with two incredibly understanding women. I am not the first to toot my own horn but my wife does appreciate me being calm and dealing with every curveball that life throws at us expertly.
 
Stevek said:
FMF seems like the the best possible outcome for straight dudes out there but it is extremely difficult to get started. What I did notice from reading and talking to another guy in a similar situation is that having a partner have a cuckquean fetish makes it more feasible. I kind of lucked into it.
Click to expand...
Well, my bf Aries has me and one other gf. It took him several tries, over a couple of years, texting with lots of women, being friendly and patient, going on first, second or third dates only to have things not work out, etc., before he found another gf besides me for an ongoing irl relationship. She also lives over an hour away, and can't host him overnight, and is married with an adult child living at home, so it's far from ideal. So, it's not just "luck"-- it's work, caring and perseverance.

And no, I am definitely not a "cuckquean." I'm just polyamorous and, of course, am entirely fine that both of my partners are, as well.
 
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