Two months in, and still struggling
- Thread starter tincuptt
- Start date
(This is an older thread I felt was important enough to resurrect.)
An email or a few texts would be plenty. Personally, I don't think there's a big rush to meet a metamour. Claire and New Guy are only two months into dating! What's the rush? What's all this talk about "long-term plans" with this young guy? I don't think Tincuppt meeting New Guy will really help him to get over his jealousy and insecurity. That's a whole red herring, imo.
Claire and NG might break up in a month or two. Who knows? If Tin is afraid he might act in an embarrassing manner when meeting NG, he shouldn't feel pressured to meet him.
I think one thing-- it's totally unfair for Claire to expect Tin to care for four kids regularly while she goes off on her own to wine and dine and have uninterrupted talks and sex and all those other fun adult things with her hot young lover. If she can't afford to pay a babysitter to be going out dating others, she shouldn't be dating. Let her make some money to pay for a sitter so that Tin can enjoy himself with other adults when she goes out with New Guy! I'd feel really taken advantage of if I were you, Tin.
If you were out with your buddies, or at the gym, or pursuing any kind of absorbing hobby while Claire was out, I think you'd feel pleasantly distracted and much less insecure. I think you guys skipped a step in opening up. Read this:
medium.com
or if that link doesn't work, here's the wayback machine version:
web.archive.org
An email or a few texts would be plenty. Personally, I don't think there's a big rush to meet a metamour. Claire and New Guy are only two months into dating! What's the rush? What's all this talk about "long-term plans" with this young guy? I don't think Tincuppt meeting New Guy will really help him to get over his jealousy and insecurity. That's a whole red herring, imo.
Claire and NG might break up in a month or two. Who knows? If Tin is afraid he might act in an embarrassing manner when meeting NG, he shouldn't feel pressured to meet him.
I think one thing-- it's totally unfair for Claire to expect Tin to care for four kids regularly while she goes off on her own to wine and dine and have uninterrupted talks and sex and all those other fun adult things with her hot young lover. If she can't afford to pay a babysitter to be going out dating others, she shouldn't be dating. Let her make some money to pay for a sitter so that Tin can enjoy himself with other adults when she goes out with New Guy! I'd feel really taken advantage of if I were you, Tin.
If you were out with your buddies, or at the gym, or pursuing any kind of absorbing hobby while Claire was out, I think you'd feel pleasantly distracted and much less insecure. I think you guys skipped a step in opening up. Read this:
The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship
You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
or if that link doesn't work, here's the wayback machine version:
The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship – Polyamory School – Medium
You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
web.archive.org
I am somewhat on the fence as far as meeting metamours is concerned. I think there are some cases in which it's best to meet one's metamour/s, and other cases where it's better to not meet them (parallel poly). In my case, I was friends with (he who is now my) Brother-Husband from 1995 onward, and this proved to be very helpful in our (2006) transition into poly. We now practice kitchen table poly and it works for us. I do feel that meeting one's metamour is not part of the required definition of poly. I do consider emotional attachment to be part of the definition. If it's just sex -- no feelings -- then yes, it's ENM/open but not poly. Not meeting one's metamour/s doesn't necessarily mean it's DADT (and DADT can be poly).
Again and again, back in these early days of our board, Redpepper and others were like a broken record-- "Meet your new metamour and everything will be better." It's annoying to me! RP harps on and on about it, ignoring the actual issue here, that Tincuppt is being taken advantage of to do childcare for four kids while his wife goes out on these long-ass dates with her newer partner, enjoying her dates as if she were single.
However, I know RP also spent a lot of NRE time with her new bf Mono, leaving her kid at home with her husband.
Sigh... I feel angry that this new member got such poor advice. He didn't want to meet New Guy, NG didn't want to meet him, the wife didn't want the men to meet. And Tin left the board right after finally asserting he was going to just email the guy-- which probably didn't solve anything!
SlowPoly
Active member
Agreed.
Yes! And if the extra sitter night is just never gonna happen for whatever reason, then Tin could (and, I think, should) routinely take another night, leave Claire at home with the kids, and do something just for Tinself. It's not tit for tat, it's getting a break, nourishing the self, and building identity. Date yourself, people!
Right! At least trade being the sole child watcher. That's actually advised in the Most Skipped Step article.
