Jeambo
New member
hello, this is Jeambo, gay man in his thirties, living in China.
Three years ago me and my partner was having dinner at a friend's home, and we saw she living with two girlfriends. Then she introduced the idea of *polyamory* to me. That really interested me because I knew I'm not into monogamy, but I didn't know what is **THE THING** I'm into. After her introduction I realized I could be a polyamorist, then I started learning.
Pity, my partner then was a total monogamist and after that we had countless talks, but we didn't reach a poly/mono agreement.
In China when we come out parents about homosexuality, a common response is "I wish you were normal". And that's what he told me when I come out about poly to my partner. That was like a black humor. In fact I wish I were *normal* too, so a vanilla relationship can perfectly satisfy me, and the guy I live with would not leave me, but...
The breakup was heartbreaking. Both for me and him. He left the home we built together. I had some new relationships after that and feel much relieved now, but the wound was permanently engraved on my heart.
Now I have a new boyfriend, a collage student, and we are in a monogamy agreement since we met in this spring. It's not the best solution but the most "not bad" one. We are really attracted by each other, and we both feel good about regular check-ins. After so many long conversations (we talk through all night) I see a perfect partner in him (except the mono part) and he sees a perfect partner in me (except the poly part, of course).
But the mono agreement makes me feel restricted, while he feels insecure still: He knows I'm poly so I'm not *the one* for him and obviously he's not *the one* for me (it's understandable that a boy believes the "the one" thing at the age of 20), and he says the breakup will occur when I have sex with others.
These days things work fine because we had a nominal breakup last month but we do things as usual. Now I'm not the only and nature candidate of *the one* for him, so it's OK if I'm not. That relieved his stress. And in this days of peace he started to think what would it be like if he tries poly. I told him it' OK if he's not, but he seems to be open to explore. As for me, now I see poly as a choice, not a faith, so even I don't like monogamy but now I pay more attention to the good feelings from the relationship. That's what is happening now, and I don't know how the future would be like.
I was an LGBT activist when such activities were allowed in China (not any more since about ten years ago). So when I found I'm a polyamorist I really want to know some other poly folks or find a community. But there seems no poly scene in China. I have some friends who are poly but we don't have a *community*.
The resourses are poor too. Book both about poly and in Chinese are only *The Ethical Slut* (published in Taiwan so we can't buy it but there are pirate ebooks online. it's traditional Chinese but most people can read it fluently) and *Sex at Dawn* (on the science and tech shelf haha). And *Out of Eden* by David Barash if it can be counted as a CNM book. Poly or CNM things are sometimes mentioned in some podcast episodes and blog posts, but still not well-represented.
I want to translate some books into Chinese (had done two books now) and put them on the Internet for free so more people can see them and learn about CNM if they are interested or needing any navigation. But I'm afraid this is illegal, at least not openly couraged so if I do it I will have no friends anymore. But that's not my problem number one: the biggest thing that's trapping me is still no community in sight.
Three years ago me and my partner was having dinner at a friend's home, and we saw she living with two girlfriends. Then she introduced the idea of *polyamory* to me. That really interested me because I knew I'm not into monogamy, but I didn't know what is **THE THING** I'm into. After her introduction I realized I could be a polyamorist, then I started learning.
Pity, my partner then was a total monogamist and after that we had countless talks, but we didn't reach a poly/mono agreement.
In China when we come out parents about homosexuality, a common response is "I wish you were normal". And that's what he told me when I come out about poly to my partner. That was like a black humor. In fact I wish I were *normal* too, so a vanilla relationship can perfectly satisfy me, and the guy I live with would not leave me, but...
The breakup was heartbreaking. Both for me and him. He left the home we built together. I had some new relationships after that and feel much relieved now, but the wound was permanently engraved on my heart.
Now I have a new boyfriend, a collage student, and we are in a monogamy agreement since we met in this spring. It's not the best solution but the most "not bad" one. We are really attracted by each other, and we both feel good about regular check-ins. After so many long conversations (we talk through all night) I see a perfect partner in him (except the mono part) and he sees a perfect partner in me (except the poly part, of course).
But the mono agreement makes me feel restricted, while he feels insecure still: He knows I'm poly so I'm not *the one* for him and obviously he's not *the one* for me (it's understandable that a boy believes the "the one" thing at the age of 20), and he says the breakup will occur when I have sex with others.
These days things work fine because we had a nominal breakup last month but we do things as usual. Now I'm not the only and nature candidate of *the one* for him, so it's OK if I'm not. That relieved his stress. And in this days of peace he started to think what would it be like if he tries poly. I told him it' OK if he's not, but he seems to be open to explore. As for me, now I see poly as a choice, not a faith, so even I don't like monogamy but now I pay more attention to the good feelings from the relationship. That's what is happening now, and I don't know how the future would be like.
I was an LGBT activist when such activities were allowed in China (not any more since about ten years ago). So when I found I'm a polyamorist I really want to know some other poly folks or find a community. But there seems no poly scene in China. I have some friends who are poly but we don't have a *community*.
The resourses are poor too. Book both about poly and in Chinese are only *The Ethical Slut* (published in Taiwan so we can't buy it but there are pirate ebooks online. it's traditional Chinese but most people can read it fluently) and *Sex at Dawn* (on the science and tech shelf haha). And *Out of Eden* by David Barash if it can be counted as a CNM book. Poly or CNM things are sometimes mentioned in some podcast episodes and blog posts, but still not well-represented.
I want to translate some books into Chinese (had done two books now) and put them on the Internet for free so more people can see them and learn about CNM if they are interested or needing any navigation. But I'm afraid this is illegal, at least not openly couraged so if I do it I will have no friends anymore. But that's not my problem number one: the biggest thing that's trapping me is still no community in sight.
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