partner not telling me something

[fireandashe]

hi, i am currently dating 3 partners. i believe one (who we will call E) is either not telling us about a relationship they are in, or is planning on leaving us for said person. (i find this more unlikely, but reasons to follow will support this batshit thought.)

I've been dating E for about a year and a half, and it started off great. But between distance, a new job for them and a new friend group of theirs, they've grown extremely distant, to the point where i really only get to talk to them, outside of texting, once a month. With this recent friend group came a person (let's call them C) who they, as far as i can tell, have started to spend a LOT of time with. when i visited E, they were texting for long periods of time. they've since gotten art together (furries lol) and as of most recent they've updated a banner on a social platform of them and C holding hands.

i'm willing to admit that there's a chance i'm paranoid and insane! my first relationship ended in my partner leaving me for a friend, and i've had trust issues since, so i'm open to the idea that i'm reading waaaaaaaaaaaaaay way way into this and i'm wrong. and hey, if they are dating, good for them! while i've had previous jealousy issues, i'm a lot better about rationalizing that part out, and generally as long as my partners are happy i'm happy. that's not what bothers me.

the issue comes from the lack of communication from E about this person, as well as their greater absence from both my life and the rest of the polycule since they met C. while E has brought this person up before, and i've indirectly communicated with them, it feels a little like they're hiding something. maybe they're not ready to talk about it, i'm not sure. our general lack of dates or hanging out since then have worsened the situation to the point where it feels like they don't want to hang out

either way, this situation has me VERY uncomfortable and not sure what to do. help. (once again, open to the idea that i'm overreacting in some form. i've dealt with jealousy/insecurity issues in the past, but this feels different.)

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm going to go with generic animal names, OK? I have a hard time with initials. If you want something else, I'm happy to go with what you pick.

NRE lasts from 6-24 mos. This is 18 mos, so it may be you are seeing Emu without the rosy glasses now.

I could be wrong, but whether or not Emu is dating Crow, your relationship with Emu was already kind of becoming "meh." From your post:

• Started great, but it sounds like they maybe moved away with the new job and have a new friend group they spend the bulk of their time with now.
• They've become distant and there's a lack of communication
• Other than texts, you only talk to them once a month.
• When you visit, Emu doesn't give you intentional, focused date time. They have their head in their device.

Does Emu still make the cut for what you seek in a healthy dating partner? Is this a satisfying relationship for you?

You seem worried they are going to break up with you. But apart from not liking the uncertain "up in the air" feeling... would a break-up actually be better than this "meh" sort of dragging-out thing? Maybe you want to reflect on that?

If you still want to date Emu, ask for the changes in behavior you'd like to see. Basically, they either step up or they don't. And you will have your answer.

Galagirl

 

[Musso]

Have you talked to E about how you feel and to get an update on how they're feeling and seeing where all this is going?

 

[Magdlyn]

I am currently dating three partners. I believe one (who we will call E) is either not telling us about a relationship they are in, or is planning on leaving us for said person.

So you and E and two others are all dating each other? You seem to imply that, when you say "telling us," and "leaving us."

Is this some sort of quad where everyone is supposed to be equally involved romantically and sexually with everyone else?

(I find this more unlikely, but reasons to follow will support this batshit thought.)

I've been dating E for about a year and a half, and it started off great. But between distance, a new job for them and a new friend group of theirs, they've grown extremely distant, to the point where I really only get to talk to them, outside of texting, once a month.

So maybe E used to live with you and your two OSOs, or lived quite nearby, but now E has moved, has a new job, new friends, and is dating C. It sounds to me like E is enjoying their new life in their new city, and the distance is making it into a "texting only" relationship, with maybe one phone call and/or visit a month? Is that right? Are your other two "quad" partners getting to text or phone E more than you?

I mean, in a quad-type thing (you're calling it a polycule), it can be complicated to keep everything and everyone in balance. Perhaps E is greatly enjoying their one-on-one attention from C, and the NRE happening. It sounds like E is drifting away.

With this recent friend group came a person (let's call them C) with whom E, as far as I can tell, has started spending a LOT of time. When I visited E, they were texting for long periods of time. They've since gotten art together (furries lol) and most recently, they've updated a banner on a social platform with E and C holding hands.

I'm willing to admit that there's a chance I'm paranoid and insane! My first relationship ended in my partner leaving me for a friend, and I've had trust issues since. So I'm open to the idea that I'm reading waaaaaaaaaaaaaay way way into this, and I'm wrong. Hey, if they are dating, good for them! While I've had previous jealousy issues, I'm a lot better about rationalizing that part out. Generally, as long as my partners are happy, I'm happy. That's not what bothers me.

The issue comes from the lack of communication from E about this person, as well as their greater absence from both my life and the rest of the polycule since they met C. While E has brought this person up before, and I've indirectly communicated with them, it feels a little like they're hiding something. Maybe they're not ready to talk about it. Our general lack of dates or hanging out since then have worsened the situation to the point where it feels like they don't want to hang out.

Either way, this situation has me VERY uncomfortable and not sure what to do. Help. (Once again, open to the idea that i'm overreacting in some form. I've dealt with jealousy/insecurity issues in the past, but this feels different.)

As Musso said, have you outright asked E if they are becoming more invested in their relationship with C, and less interested in dating you and the other two? I mean, it seems you see E is giving you much less attention than when they lived nearby/with you. That's pretty obvious. I don't think you're paranoid. That just seems like an observable fact.

Relationships often drift apart when they turn into a long-distance thing. Many/most people don't love LDRs, especially if their love language is touch.

 

[Magdlyn]

I will add that it's extremely frustrating when you observe your partner doing something, and they deny doing it, or downplay its importance or impact on the relationship. Maybe they are afraid of "being in trouble," don't want to face facts, figure it's none of your business, or whatever. This reduces trust and intimacy. But we, as the listener, have to respond to "bad news" with grace, without blowing up or being mean, or trying to control, or trying to hurt the partner as we are hurting. This isn't easy.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello fireandashe,

You mentioned distance, I'm just curious how far away E is from you. LDR's tend to be rough, the distance limits how much effect you can have on E's affairs. C could just be a friend, E is probably lonely, on the other hand E wouldn't text C so much if C was just a friend. In any case it is concerning that E has withdrawn from you, and isn't communicating with you. I don't think you're crazy for worrying about it, I would too if I was in your shoes.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.