Should I walk away?

R

Rain

New member
My husband of 11 years and I are new to poly. We decided to dip our toes by joining a poly-dating website together. Looking to start a relationship with someone, first with friendship and see what blossoms. From past experience on dating sites from before our relationship, we thought that most likely it wouldn't be fruitful, but we tried anyway.

I found someone and been chatting with them for a month. I felt a real connection, but I wanted to clarify what their dating status was, and what they were looking for. I end up finding out that they are not in an open relationship and their partner didn't know. Needless to say, finding this out sucked royally. We discussed it and decided to remain friends without the possibility of a relationship.

My question is-- should I have walked away, connection or not? It feels messy. I feel like I'm being boxed, closed.
 
Oh dear, so you went looking for ethical non-monogamy and found a cheater. If this doesn't sit well with you, perhaps you don't actually need to be friends with this person.
 
Rain said:
My husband of 11 years and I are new to poly. We decided to dip our toes by joining a poly dating website together. Looking to start a relationship with someone, first with friendship, and see what blossoms. From past experience on dating sites from before our relationship, we thought that most likely it wouldn't be fruitful, but we tried anyway. I found someone and been chatting with them for a month. I felt a real connection, but I wanted to clarify what their dating status was, and what they were looking for. I end up finding out that they are not in an open relationship and their partner didn't know. Needless to say, finding this out sucked royally. We discussed it and decided to remain friends without the possibility of a relationship. My question is-- should I have walked away connection or not? It feels messy. I feel like I'm being boxed, closed.
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It makes total sense that this whole situation feels messy and confusing. You went in with honest intentions, clear agreements with your husband, and the hope of exploring something new in a healthy, ethical way. Finding out someone you connected with wasn’t actually in an open relationship would throw anyone off balance.

You didn’t do anything wrong by feeling a connection, or by wanting to clarify their situation. In fact, asking was absolutely the right thing to do. Once you learned the truth, you made the ethical choice by stepping back from anything romantic. That shows integrity.

Whether you “should have” walked away completely really depends on what you need in order to feel safe and respected. You’re allowed to protect your peace. If staying friends feels like you’re being boxed in or held in a weird emotional limbo, it’s completely okay to step back further or walk away entirely. Protecting your boundaries isn’t cold — it’s healthy.

And remember: just because this experience was disappointing doesn’t mean the whole idea of poly or dating as a team is flawed. This was about one person not being honest in their own relationship, not about anything you did.

You handled an unfair situation with clarity and kindness. Now it’s just about deciding what feels healthiest for you moving forward. You’re allowed to choose peace over connection when the connection comes with complications you didn’t ask for.
 
I end up finding out that they are not in an open relationship and their partner didn't know. Needless to say, finding this out sucked royally. We discussed it and decided to remain friends without the possibility of a relationship. My question is should I have walked away, connection or not? It feels messy. I feel like I'm being boxed, closed.
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Why be friends with a cheater if it is messy and makes you feel boxed or closed? Friendships are supposed to feel good, not yucky.

Friendship is also not a "consolation prize" to "no dating relationship." Friendships are valuable relationship shapes all on their own. Does this person actually make the cut for what you value in healthy friendships?

GG
 
Evie said:
Oh dear, so you went looking for ethical non-monogamy and found a cheater. If this doesn't sit well with you, perhaps you don't actually need to be friends with this person.
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My thoughts exactly. I've already made the decision to walk away but I just needed to go through the emotions. It helps tremendously to hear that from someone else. I feel even deciding to strictly be friends, just me knowing they're partner doesn't know, is like I'm saying it's OK. When in truth it isn't.
 
XTremeMeow said:
It makes total sense that this whole situation feels messy and confusing. You went in with honest intentions, clear agreements with your husband, and the hope of exploring something new in a healthy, ethical way. Finding out someone you connected with wasn’t actually in an open relationship would throw anyone off balance.

You didn’t do anything wrong by feeling a connection, or by wanting to clarify their situation. In fact, asking was absolutely the right thing to do. Once you learned the truth, you made the ethical choice by stepping back from anything romantic. That shows integrity.

Whether you “should have” walked away completely really depends on what you need in order to feel safe and respected. You’re allowed to protect your peace. If staying friends feels like you’re being boxed in or held in a weird emotional limbo, it’s completely okay to step back further or walk away entirely. Protecting your boundaries isn’t cold — it’s healthy.

And remember: just because this experience was disappointing doesn’t mean the whole idea of poly or dating as a team is flawed. This was about one person not being honest in their own relationship, not about anything you did.

You handled an unfair situation with clarity and kindness. Now it’s just about deciding what feels healthiest for you moving forward. You’re allowed to choose peace over connection when the connection comes with complications you didn’t ask for.
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Thank you. That is really well said. I was beating myself up about it, but then realized, why should I? My partner and I communicate openly, with hard topics as much as silly/goofy ones. I'm very honest and I need trust. I feel like I can't trust him because his partner doesn't know. What's to say he won't do this again? The fact of him only telling me because I asked him really doesn't sit well with me. I feel like this wouldn't end well for me. And most likely I'd get badly hurt. So, I'm fully walking away.
As much as it wasn't a good experience, it won't make me close up. I know there are kinder spirits out there. I just need time. I appreciate your words.
 
Hello Rain,

I think you did the right thing, you de-escalated the new relationship from dating to friends. He needs to do his own work in his relationship with his partner, that is his responsibility. I'm sorry you had to find out like that. Sometimes you have to walk away, to honor your own ethical code. This is one of those situations.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
Why be friends with a cheater if it is messy and makes you feel boxed or closed? Friendships are supposed to feel good, not yucky.

Friendship is also not a "consolation prize" to "no dating relationship." Friendships are valuable relationship shapes all on their own. Does this person actually make the cut for what you value in healthy friendships?
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True. Friendships are a beautiful thing and very valuable. I'm against cheating, and being friends after knowing his partner doesn't know felt like I was saying it was okay when it isn't. That's a valid question. No, he doesn't.
kdt26417 said:
I think you did the right thing. You de-escalated the new relationship from dating to friends. He needs to do his own work in his relationship with his partner. That is his responsibility. I'm sorry you had to find out like that. Sometimes you have to walk away, to honor your own ethical code. This is one of those situations.
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I appreciate that. I shifted to friendship to be able to sit with my thoughts, emotions, and values. The answer of walking away was there, but I believe I just needed time to think things through, and digest what I was faced with.
 
Rain said:
Thank you. That is really well said. I was beating myself up about it but then realized, why should I? My partner and I communicate openly, with hard topics as much as silly/ goofy ones. I'm very honest and I need trust. I feel like I can't trust him because his partner doesn't know. What's to say he won't do this again? The fact of him only telling me because I asked him really doesn't sit well with me. I feel like this wouldn't end well for me. And most likely I'd get badly hurt. So, I'm fully walking away. As much as it wasn't a good experience, it won't make me close up. I know there are kinder spirits out there. I just need time. I appreciate your words.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing all of that with me. Honestly, I think you’re handling this with so much more clarity and strength than you’re giving yourself credit for.

You’re absolutely right: open communication and trust are the foundation of any healthy connection, especially in poly dynamics. If his partner doesn’t know and you’re the one who had to pull the truth out of him, that’s not on you. That’s a reflection of his choices, not your worth. And you’re right to take that seriously. If transparency isn’t there from the start, it’s fair to question whether it ever truly would be.

Walking away isn’t a failure. It’s you protecting your heart, your boundaries, and the kind of connection you actually deserve. That takes courage.

I’m really glad you’re not letting this experience close you off. There absolutely are kinder, more aligned people out there — people who communicate openly, who treat everyone involved with respect, and who don’t make honesty something you have to dig for.

Take whatever time you need. You handled this with integrity, and that already puts you miles ahead of the situation you were given. And I’m here, cheering for your healing and for the beautiful connections waiting for you down the line. 💛
 
XTremeMeow said:
Thank you for sharing all of that with me. Honestly, I think you’re handling this with so much more clarity and strength than you’re giving yourself credit for.

You’re absolutely right: open communication and trust are the foundation of any healthy connection, especially in poly dynamics. If his partner doesn’t know and you’re the one who had to pull the truth out of him, that’s not on you. That’s a reflection of his choices, not your worth. And you’re right to take that seriously. If transparency isn’t there from the start, it’s fair to question whether it ever truly would be.

Walking away isn’t a failure. It’s you protecting your heart, your boundaries, and the kind of connection you actually deserve. That takes courage.

I’m really glad you’re not letting this experience close you off. There absolutely are kinder, more aligned people out there — people who communicate openly, who treat everyone involved with respect, and who don’t make honesty something you have to dig for.

Take whatever time you need. You handled this with integrity, and that already puts you miles ahead of the situation you were given. And I’m here, cheering for your healing and for the beautiful connections waiting for you down the line. 💛
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Thank you. Your words are like a much needed warm hug.
 
I want to thank all of you for your support, advice, point of views and obvious harsh truth. I appreciate it all tremendously. I am very grateful I found this forum.xo
 
Rain said:
I want to thank all of you for your support, advice, point of views and obvious harsh truth. I appreciate it all tremendously. I am very grateful I found this forum.xo
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Your words are so kind. If you ever need someone to talk to, writte to me directly
 
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