Loving in Plural

CoralRose

CoralRose

Member
Many moons ago when I was a bright-eyed college freshman, my major was "undecided." At 18, I couldn't possibly fathom what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Turns out, no one does -- most people change careers multiple times in their lives.

So I decided to bank on something I knew best and loved best: creative writing. While majoring in English provided a solid basis for a lot of different jobs, it never led to a specific "career," and that is what I wanted most. Fast forward ten years, and I went back to college for animal science to become a veterinary nurse. Turns out just because I love English doesn't mean I can't also love veterinary medicine.

I absolutely adore where I am now in my career, but I know I might not be here ten years from now. Things change, the world turns, the road goes ever on and on, etc.

I love things too hard, which means I fall hard. Most of my relationships have been serious. Once I know, I know. But also...I just love talking to people. I like being able to flirt without fear. Most of my closest friends are male and I love being able to have the freedom to express myself naturally without a partner being jealous or paranoid.

It's fun to be at the stage in my marriage where my husband says, "You meet anyone cute tonight?" "Did you get that girl's number?" "Do you want me to take any sexy pictures for you?"

During my first marriage, the idea of this being me never would have even crossed my mind. But I have learned that I have so much love to give that it doesn't have to be singular. It can be plural.
 
Back to Dating

I joined OK Cupid (they have a section for non-monogamy now!), reactivated my Fetlife and came back on this site again last week. It was an exciting but overstimulating weekend with all the chats I had going on. This morning I counted and discovered I had been contacted by 42 different people. Now of course, I didn't reply to all of them. I actually wrote a "How to Talk to Women" post on Fetlife because of all the trash I was getting. Some people seem to forget that women are not just fucktoys; we are actual people with thoughts and feelings and ideas. If we want to forget about some of that stuff in the bedroom, that's fine, but if deepthroatfucker69 sends me a "I wanna cum in ur pussy" message, that's a hard no.

I've had a couple ongoing chats with women and am really hoping something can happen there. It's hard to find women so I actually posted an old-school "seeking" ad. "Bisexual women seeks woman for friendship and more." Ha ha. I've also met some super nice guys. There's one I'm already crushing on after only three days. We've spent so much time texting each other and even talked on the phone last night. He and his partner live about an hour and a half away from me, but they live in the city where my parents and both my sisters reside, so I am there a lot. We are planning to meet up this weekend for coffee to chat. Fingers crossed our in-person attraction is as good as it feels now.
 
Back to Not-Dating

Well, that didn't last long. K and I were starting to wonder why the other person was so perfect for us -- it shouldn't be this easy! It wasn't. Turns out his partner was getting worried that we were clicking too fast and wanted to be clear that they are only a couple seeking another couple. For two couples with kids, like us, that's just not realistic for me, and I thought I made it clear enough early on what I wanted. I was absolutely open to the four of us doing things together, but I can't guarantee that it will only ever be like that.

After K dropped the bomb that his partner wanted to reiterate this was friends with benefits only, I realized it wasn't a good fit. I love hard. I have to have an emotional connection with someone usually to have a physical connection with them. And I can't promise not to fall in love with someone...can anyone? That being said, I have absolutely no intention of leaving my husband or child. Isn't that what polyamory is all about?

I ended up deactivating my Fetlife and OK Cupid again until I can figure out how to more accurately portray what I want. And with my mental health in today's state, I can't handle another interaction like the one last night where some guys opener to me was, "I really want to be your urinal -- will you please pee in my mouth?"

Sigh.

Edited to add: I don't like to yuck anyone else's yum, but I strongly believe your initial opener should be personal and genuine.
 
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Heh, that is an incredible pick-up line, I hope you will receive better in the future, but who knows.
 
CoralRose said:
Back to Not-Dating

Well, that didn't last long. K and I were starting to wonder why the other person was so perfect for us -- it shouldn't be this easy! It wasn't. Turns out his partner was getting worried that we were clicking too fast and wanted to be clear that they are only a couple seeking another couple. For two couples with kids, like us, that's just not realistic for me, and I thought I made it clear enough early on what I wanted. I was absolutely open to the four of us doing things together, but I can't guarantee that it will only ever be like that.

After K dropped the bomb that his partner wanted to reiterate this was friends with benefits only, I realized it wasn't a good fit. I love hard. I have to have an emotional connection with someone usually to have a physical connection with them. And I can't promise not to fall in love with someone...can anyone? That being said, I have absolutely no intention of leaving my husband or child. Isn't that what polyamory is all about?

I ended up deactivating my Fetlife and OK Cupid again until I can figure out how to more accurately portray what I want. And with my mental health in today's state, I can't handle another interaction like the one last night where some guys opener to me was, "I really want to be your urinal -- will you please pee in my mouth?"

Sigh.

Edited to add: I don't like to yuck anyone else's yum, but I strongly believe your initial opener should be personal and genuine.
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Here's the thing about looking for partners on dating sites: in my experience, it's a numbers game. For every 50-100 guys that messaged me, there would maybe be one or two I actually answered, because his initial message was good enough, or his profile, or FL writings were interesting. Out of those one or two per 100 that I would talk to, very few would seem like someone it was worth meeting in person. Of the ones I actually went on a first date with, very few would get more than one to three dates.

So... yeah. I did eventually get a few relationships out of online dating sites, lasting three months to two and a half years. My first date with anyone ever after I "went on the market," however, was my gf Pixi, which was incredibly lucky, as we've been together 18 years this month! However, it took from 2009 to 2021 to meet my current "forever" bf Aries. And I was no longer even "looking." I was just going to Fetlife from time to time for social interaction during the pandemic. Aries had started messaging me in 2018, but he was in a mono relationship. We just chatted as friends, since he wasn't going to cheat (even though he was starting to understand he was probably polyamorous). His relationship ended, Covid vaccines became available, we met, and the rest is history.

Now, you are younger than me, so you probably get more messages per day or week than I ever did. I was actually surprised at how many I got at my age, but guys considered me a MILF or cougar, and there was quite a bit of interest in my "category," so to speak. But you are young and pretty (assuming that's you in your pfp) so you probably get more messages than I ever did, and might have more to choose from.

I thought when OKCupid revamped itself some years ago, they changed their matching system to help prevent women from getting overly sexual or insulting first messages. No? Maybe it's on FL where you get the graphic solicitations for anonymous sex or kink.

You have to work to separate the wheat from the chaff. Changing your profile might not help much, as most guys don't even read them. They just look at pix and message. Sometimes they barely look at the pix; they just send dozens of messages out, hoping they get one response. Someone, anyone, to put their dick into.
 
Magdlyn said:
Here's the thing about looking for partners on dating sites: in my experience, it's a numbers game. For every 50-100 guys that messaged me, there would maybe be one or two I actually answered, because his initial message was good enough, or his profile, or FL writings were interesting. Out of those one or two per 100 that I would talk to, very few would seem like someone it was worth meeting in person. Of the ones I actually went on a first date with, very few would get more than one to three dates.

So... yeah. I did eventually get a few relationships out of online dating sites, lasting three months to two and a half years. My first date with anyone ever after I "went on the market," however, was my gf Pixi, which was incredibly lucky, as we've been together 18 years this month! However, it took from 2009 to 2021 to meet my current "forever" bf Aries. And I was no longer even "looking." I was just going to Fetlife from time to time for social interaction during the pandemic. Aries had started messaging me in 2018, but he was in a mono relationship. We just chatted as friends, since he wasn't going to cheat (even though he was starting to understand he was probably polyamorous). His relationship ended, Covid vaccines became available, we met, and the rest is history.

Now, you are younger than me, so you probably get more messages per day or week than I ever did. I was actually surprised at how many I got at my age, but guys considered me a MILF or cougar, and there was quite a bit of interest in my "category," so to speak. But you are young and pretty (assuming that's you in your pfp) so you probably get more messages than I ever did, and might have more to choose from.

I thought when OKCupid revamped itself some years ago, they changed their matching system to help prevent women from getting overly sexual or insulting first messages. No? Maybe it's on FL where you get the graphic solicitations for anonymous sex or kink.

You have to work to separate the wheat from the chaff. Changing your profile might not help much, as most guys don't even read them. They just look at pix and message. Sometimes they barely look at the pix; they just send dozens of messages out, hoping they get one response. Someone, anyone, to put their dick into.
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Thanks for your reply! I'm the same....I will respond back if the person seems cool and polite. I will chat if we have something in common. I will go on a date if and when I think I'm not going to be murdered or raped and want to get to know them in person. 😂

I usually have a pretty good gut instinct. Last time I was on Ok Cupid is when I met my husband....talked with dozens of guys, only went on dates with three and my husband was the one I ended up marrying.

Also, I am having the hardest time finding a girlfriend. Ok Cupid I'm getting only messages from guys so far, but I did get two message from women on FL that seem pretty awesome. Just needed to give myself a little break I think.

I think I'm medium-attractive. 38. I try to post "normal" pics of myself too so people aren't disappointed when they meet me. I don't have anything crazy up on FL.
 
A Very Poly Weekend

This weekend was such an intense polyamorous weekend for my husband and I. We had a weekend to ourselves in a hotel room with a jacuzzi -- my sister graciously watched our four year old and my parents watched our dog. Kitties were on their own (with an automatic feeder and fresh litter boxes).

Relationships are always hills and valleys. We've been together about nine years and poly the last two. Does poly make your lives better, worse or just... different? I guess I'd argue it makes them different good (chaotic good? Haha), and this weekend was a prime example. The first day and night we spent with just ourselves. Saw a movie in theater together (The Housemaid) then went back to our hotel and relaxed in the jacuzzi. Husband pushed the couch so we could see the fireplace while relaxing in the warm water. We were both just so comfortable and the combination of relaxation, the laughs we shared earlier, and gentle strokes under the water led to some of the most intense sex we've ever had. I take back everything I've said about water sex not being that great. This was fucking phenomenal. We both agreed it was definitely one of the best, if not the best sex we've ever had.

The next day we met the new guy, K, I've been chatting with at a bookstore. He and I met on OK Cupid and after two days, it felt like we were old friends. He and his partner are/were interested in "Friends with Benefits," which led to some initial confusion about what we wanted but I discovered, like everything else, labels are guidelines and they can sometimes change shape. I was not nervous at ALL meeting him for the first time, which is crazy. Again, it was just like meeting an old friend I've known forever. Except, you know, one I wanted to drag behind a stack of books and do dirty things to. K and my husband immediately hit it off and we spent a couple hours wandering around the store and chatting. A couple times K and I exchanged touches, and it was electric. Near the end of our visit, he brought up his partner on a video call so we could all chat for a bit and say hi. She was beautiful and genuine, seemed like a lovely person.

Husband and I be-bopped around town for a little bit before heading back to the hotel. We had a mutual friend Bear come over as I wanted to take him out to a nice dinner for his birthday/Christmas gift. After an amazing dinner, we got back to the hotel and into the Jacuzzi. I told the boys to go in first, put on my favorite black lacy lingerie, poured drinks for each of them and walked over to serve them. The look on their faces, haha. My husband is on the shorter side and broad with dark twinkling eyes and nice muscles. Bear is very tall and used to be on the larger size but he's lost a lot of weight over the last year. Still, he's a big guy and the juxtaposition of being near both of them was very fun for me.

For several hours we just enjoyed each other's bodies both in and out of the Jacuzzi. I then had one of the most intense orgasms of my life. We all cuddled for a bit til Bear had to go home. This was my husbands first experience with a threesome so we spent some time talking about it last night and again today. Now we're all home again and my husband and I are snuggling on the couch. My body and brain are exhausted so I might take a little nap.
 
This Bear, you say, is a mutual friend. Had you had sex with him yourself before? Is he like a FWB friend? It just seemed sort of sudden, a "nice dinner" for his birthday, and suddenly you're in lingerie and the guys are in the tub, and... Was that part of the plan for the jacuzzi hotel room from the beginning, or did you sort of spring it on Bear? I assume you didn't spring it on your husband. Had you had group sex with Bear before? Is that part of your practice, these kinds of threesomes?

Have you also got K's gf in mind for group sex?

Sorry for all the questions. ;) You don't have to answer. It's your blog. I'm just curious.
 
Haha, happy to explain. I think I did in a previous blog post that got inadvertently deleted. And I kind of jumped back on here after a year or so I haven’t really filled in the dots of my current life.

I've been friends with Bear for about 15 years. I actually met him through my former husband. Unfortunately my ex chose alcohol over myself and all of our and his friends, so I “got” Bear in the divorce. Our relationship ebbs and flows like most of my relationships but we became very close in the last several years (esp. after he came to our wedding six years ago). Though big and broad, he is super sensitive like me and we bonded over so much. He reminds me of all the best parts of my ex husband. We talk every day.

He and his wife subscribe to “kitchen table” poly and have been polyamorous for over ten years, though I didn’t find out til several years ago.

I don’t know if I have a word for my current relationship with Bear. We talk every day — texting, talking, video chatting. We send pictures of ourselves to each other for mutual validation. We’ll sext sometimes. We’ve kissed and are touchy with each other but have never had sex. We put our friendship above all else.

When my husband showed interest in learning more about the lifestyle, I recommended he reach out to Bear separately to answer any questions about polyamory and to just become friends because I knew they’d hit it off.

My husband has discovered he is bi-curious so his relationship with Bear became separate from mine. They went on a date a couple weeks ago and kissed, and afterwards my husband asked if I would be open to a threesome where we all just played together.

Since we wanted to take Bear out as a birthday/Christmas gift, we also talked about him coming over after to have fun in the jacuzzi. Since my husband is inexperienced, we discussed our guidelines and decided that this would be hands on play only.

Hands on play was PLENTY.
 
Okay, thanks for the background! That all makes sense. It almost sounds like Bear could be part of an organic triad for the three of you, even if it's not a full-on romantic love/relationship, but more like good friends with benefits!

Personally, I've never benefitted much from threesomes or foursomes, although I have experimented. But some poly folks enjoy it for their own reasons, and make it work, it seems. It sounds like y'all had a great night. Your husband is being brave!
 
Finally Over It

When my boyfriend and I broke up in late September, I Googled how long it takes to get over a breakup, like I was 16 again. I know that time marches on and the pain numbs, but I honestly couldn't remember how long it took. I got a variety of answers but most said it would be about 3-6 months until the true pain resolved, and that has proven to be true. Thank the gods.

I just realized that I went an entire day yesterday without thinking of him at all. Huzzah! He is a very good person and I wish him well, but now that we're on the other side, I feel better that I get to explore again.

One of old friends finally brought a dislike for him based soly on the fact that he "poly-ed his way into a relationship with a married couple and then immediately set demands for what you could and could not do." And while that is true, I knew he was doing it in his best interests. And now I have to do things for my best interests.
 
Catfished

I try to be really careful with my dating habits, but you can only do so much. On FetLife, I only have three pictures. None of them is a full nude, only lingerie from the breasts up and none include my entire face. Most of the people I've met on Ok Cupid who are poly are also on Fet so they've seen my "normal" pictures. Typically I'll wait until after we've had some pretty in depth conversations, and then I'll share my Snap handle. If that goes well, I'll move to sharing my phone number. There are the rare people that don't have Snapchat, like the guy I was talking to a few weeks ago.

We had some really good conversations, had similar ideas of what we were looking for, but after we exchanged number yesterday (since he said he didn't have Snapchat), I asked for a real time picture of him. (I had been sending occasional "normal" pictures and occasional "sexy" pics but again, nothing too risque). That's when he said, "Well...I have to come clean. The pictures I've been sharing aren't really of me; they're of what I wish I looked like." Ok. Then "After I send you the picture, it's okay if you wanna bounce."

After he sent me the picture, I found out that he's also 15 years older than he is. In addition, I'm not attracted to him at all. I closed and opened it a few times because I felt guilty but then I remembered, I don't "owe" attraction to anyone, and I was pretty pissed that he sent me fake pictures and lied about his age.

I tried to keep it short and sweet. "Hey, I want to be honest. I was uncomfortable finding out the photos you shared weren't really you, and that broke the connection for me. I don’t think it makes sense to keep talking, but I wish you well."

Texts started coming after that. I blocked him on my phone, blocked him on Fetlife. I felt so stupid and gross, like I had been sending pictures to my uncle or something on accident (not actually my uncle, just how icky I felt). For whatever reason, my watch didn't recognize that I blocked him, so I started getting messages again this morning that I tried to immediately swipe away without reading. Then I get a Snapchat request from him. HE SAID HE DIDN'T HAVE SNAP. So he either lied, or he installed it just to find me? And now he has my real number, so I went on Facebook to make sure people can't look me up by my phone number.

He (supposedly) lives in my city, so I truly hope he just leaves me alone.
 
I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It

I had my first date with a woman I guess...ever? The last woman I had a fling with was more of a friend that turned into something more. I met Lady A on FetLife a few weeks after posting an old school "seeking" ad. She was one of maybe five women that messaged me back. We chatted online for awhile before exchanging phone numbers.

Though our backgrounds are pretty different (she's a 45 year old black woman who's been openly bisexual most of her life, I'm a 38 year old white woman who came out as bisexual four years ago in addition to many other things), talking to her was so easy. We weren't overly chatty with each other via text, just checked in a couple times a day until we finally found a time to meet (this was the second time we had rescheduled).

The details of the entire night itself deserve their own separate post so right now I'll just say that meeting her in person was as easy as a Sunday morning. There were no awkward silences, we laughed, we shared a lot of personal history. Because I've never been on a date with a woman before, I was like "Is this normal?" No matter how much I like a man, there's part of me that's still worried I'm going to be thrown into a trunk at the end of the date.

She was so genuine, open, honest (okay, also bloody gorgeous), and real. And wasn't put off by my overly chatty self. We have plans to meet up again next week. Hoping we can recreate the magic of that makeout session in the parking lot -- having no idea there was a guy sitting in his car, we got a standing ovation when I was walking back to my car. :LOL:
 
Life Lately

I had a second date with Lady A this week. Since she brought chocolates to our first date, I wanted to bring something this time. She has a bearded dragon at home, so I made a cute little bearded dragon cross-stitch for her to hang up at home.

There isn't a whole lot to do on a winter Wednesday night in central Wisconsin, so we decided to go to a movie together. Having the "Dream Loungers" now means you get to snuggle up next to each other, and a lot of people will bring blankets and wear jammies so we agreed on comfy clothes.

I felt like I was getting mixed signals from her, as she wasn't really reciprocating my advances in the theater. I walked her to her car and we kissed good night, but it was pretty short. I got into my car and started texting my husband I was coming home and saw she had pulled around by my window. I rolled it down and she got out of her car and said, "I didn't meant to cut our kiss short" and kissed me much longer this time.

I texted her the next day asking if she was still interested in me and if not, I'd be happy to still be friends. She was also apparently getting a vibe from me that I just wanted to be friends with so we talked it out and shared a lot more about our lives, especially what's going on with her, which is a lot. I'm hoping we'll meet up again next week.

I've been talking to a few guys online that I like. I was supposed to have a date with one last night, but I wasn't feeling too hot, so unfortunately I had to cancel. Thankfully, he was super nice about it. I put myself to bed at 8:30 and slept forever. Still feeling a bit off today, but my husband and I have plans for our traditional nachos and movie about obsessive love tonight. Gonna stay low key today in hopes I'll feel better.
 

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Hills and Valleys

I kind of set a rule for myself that I wouldn't talk to any more than four people seriously at a time. It's hard because sometimes there's the inevitable hills and valleys; the days where you can't stop talking to each other and then things sort of drift apart.

Lady A is not a great texter. I'll typically hear from her once or twice a day, but also her schedule is wildly different from mine and she can't have her phone on her like I do, so I think it's worth a little grace. The two dates we had just felt so comfortable and natural, and we're definitely both interested in each other physically, but sometimes I turn into an "out of sight; out of mind" person when I don't hear from her. She invited me over next Tuesday for some "private time," but I told her I probably wouldn't have my STI results by then. We're still going to get together, cook dinner, and watch a movie. And I'm sure we can have some physical fun.

Second woman I've been talking to is Kitty. Things just started getting a little more serious last week to the point I was telling my best male friend about her using her name. Turns out he dated her a few years ago! He had nothing but good things to say about her; he just said he was not super confident at the time and thought she was way out of his league, so things fizzled out. They still remain in touch. She just had surgery yesterday and can't leave her house for two weeks, so we've planned a date for after that.

The boys, the boys....I feel like Goldilocks. It takes me a few weeks to focus on one and then it seems to disappear. Often because one of the questions I asked that made it clear were incompatible (they're looking for something only sex-based and not really a relationship; they keep their poly/kink side completely separate from all other aspects of their life or they have wildly different political views that they hide and then spring on me).
 
KItty and I have another date this weekend---yay! We've been chatting a few months, but life has been crazy so this is only our second in person date. I threw out a few suggestions, so we'll see what she decides on. I'm kind of hoping she chooses the comedy club, because I could use some laughter.

I really think the political climate is encouraging people that it's okay to be assholes, and I'm feeling mentally taxed this week.
 
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