got in trouble--from threesome to poly

[crackertat2s]

Hello everyone. I am new to polyamory as a label, but I have felt like this for as long as I can remember.

My father had two women living in the same house. I have had threesomes and women living in the house with my wife (Demi) and me. Even my brother has a wife and a gf. But I need help fixing this problem I have created for myself.

Demi and I have been through a few rough spots. Things get better, then get shitty again. But I love her.

Now here is the start to the problem. I had met a young lady (Dana) that I was attracted to, and I wanted to ask her if she would be interested in having a threesome. So I got her number, her internet info, and we started talking. She told me I was crazy, it's farfetched, etc. But she didn't say no. So I kept pushing for it. I introduced her to Demi. They seemed fine.

Then I realized I started liking her more than the others before her. But I had no intention of leaving Demi for her, or of cheating on her. So I had talked to Dana about polygamy. I told her to watch BIG LOVE, told her that's how I wish life could be, multiple wives. She thought it might work. Demi seemed okay with it too.

Then I excluded Demi one night to go to Dana's house and watch a show and talk more. Demi flipped out on me and things got super ugly. Demi told me I should have never chosen Dana over her, which I don't feel I did.

(It's too late to make this short, but I am trying.)

Anyway, Demi and I started going downhill again. We split up. I didn't think we would ever get back together, so I started dating Dana. Demi wanted me back so bad she told me that she would do the poly relationship so that we could be together once again. So I put some thought into it and agreed to go for it.

I'd never stopped loving Demi. I figured that she deserved another chance if she were willing to do this for/with me. After less then a month, Demi forced me to break it off with Dana. I was not happy at all. But I did. Well, I allowed Demi to do it.

So I fell off the wagon, got shitfaced, and went to Dana's house, because I realized I love her as well as I love Demi. I told Demi the next day after I sobered up. She got upset and angry.

Now she knows I am with Dana but doesn't want to accept it. But I don't know what to do, I love both of them... a lot.

Demi told me to find a new girl, but I don't want to.

Someone please help. I know I messed up somehow. I need help getting through this.

Oh, and by the way, THANK YOU ALL. I finally feel normal.

 

[vandalin]

So let's see if I've got this right. Your wife, Demi, is ok with swinging and an open sexual relationship, but she is not ok with the emotional relationship that you formed with Dana? Is that about right? Had you and Dana started getting physical yet? Are we also to assume that you and Dana had sex when you were drunk and went over there? Are you back on the wagon again?

How well do you and Demi communicate? Are you able to talk about these things, or does it always/usually end in fighting? Do you know why she is uncomfortable with the situation, or just that she is uncomfortable?

That's it for now. I'm sure others will have questions and comments too.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Quath]

Why does Demi not like Dana? Is it because of the drama that you three have shared, or is there something about Dana she just doesn't like?

Welcome to the forum.

 

[crackertat2s]

Yes, Demi is okay with me having sex with other women. Dana and I have been sexually active, but not the night I went there drunk. Yes, I am on the wagon again. I can't handle my alcohol.

Dana and I can't talk because Demi tells me if I keep seeing her she will leave me sooner or later and she cries. Crying isn't fair.

I'm sure there are a million things Demi doesn't like about Dana. Where should I begin?

I just don't want to lose either of them. I don't know how to fix this. If I had a time machine some stuff could be better, but I don't. So I don't know what to do.

 

[Fidelia]

Demi seemed okay with it. Then I excluded her one night to go to Dana's house

Demi wife flipped out on me and things got super ugly. She told me I should have never chosen Dana over her.

Demi likely feels threatened by your emotional attachment to your gf and insecure in your marriage.

You need to take some time to decide what you really want and what is most important to you. When you have figured this out, share this new-found insight with the ones you love. If you want to keep your marriage, you may need to invest some serious time strengthening your relationship with Demi, making sure that she understands in a deep way how important she is to you and how much you love her.

Similarly, if what you want most is to create a polyamorous life, you may have to face the possibility that Demi will never go along with that. You may have to give up what you’ve built there in order to create what you really want.

Whatever you decide, I wish you and your loved ones all the best.

 

[River]

If you want to keep your marriage, you may need to invest some serious time strengthening your relationship with Demi, making sure that she understands in a deep way how important she is to you and how much you love her.

Good advice! Polyamory is only likely to be successful where all parties are deeply loved and KNOW that it is so. If they do not unshakably know that it is so, it's not likely to go well.

 

[redpepper]

What's Dana's take on all this anyway? How does she feel about Demi, and the fact that you left Demi for her? What does she feel now that you showed up at her house drunk? Does she love you just as much as you love her, or are you just a passing fling?

Would Demi be willing to entertain the thought at all? You said that sooner or later she might leave you. So does that mean she will try polyamory? I take it from a mono standpoint.

If Demi is willing to try it, she would have to meet and get to know Dana, and would have to really communicate her issues. So would Dana too, of course. They would have to with each other.

I don't see how all is lost yet. It's rocky. Showing up at someone's house drunk is not the greatest of ideas. But at least you are all being open and you have realized something about yourself that is very real. You've got some work to do, my friend! You can do it, though! Others have, and have survived to tell the tale. Keep your head clear, your voice talking and your brain thinking.

My motto is, "Things should go at the pace and dictation of the one most troubled by the situation." If they are not happy, no one will be. Of course, sometimes this means setting them free in order for you to be happy. They have to make some moves forward.