The 3 of us… what next?

[ricky]

Hi, I’ve just joined the group and there’s loads of great advice here, so thank you everyone.

I’m asking for advice on what to do next (if anything at all).

I live with my wife and my best friend. I’m male (49), my wife S (46) and friend K (35) & we have all lived together happily for over a year (my wife and I have been married for over 25 years).

We have both known K for over 12 years and we all love & respect each other very much. She moved in with us when her home became uninhabitable after a storm and has never moved out (& we don’t want her to).

We all work together from home which is both office work and field work. The office work is carried out mostly by S & K. The field work is done solely by me & K (so we spend long hours out on the road together).

I now can’t live without K as she is so much part of our everyday lives. We all enjoy each other company both individually and all together everyday. S has also said the same and we have regular conversations separately and all together to make sure everyone feels happy and heard and is valued in the relationship. K has said she never wants to leave and that home is now her safe & happy place.

We have all been acting like it’s normal that 3 adults live and work together happily but we are getting negative comments from our friends and family that don’t understand us.

It’s worth pointing out at this point that my wife and I still have sex together whilst K doesn’t. This is becoming difficult as K is extremely emotionally close to me and S and is pushing to take it further. K is openly bi and S has never tried it but wants to (& has always spoken about trying it with a girl since I’ve known her). I’m only into women and I’ve never considered this type of relationship until now. S makes jokes about having 2 spouses and K makes jokes about stealing my wife when apologising for overstepping when filling in for me with (non sexual) husband duties around the house. When S is away for work or visiting family K fills in as my spouse (non sexual). We all joke about how great it is and all has been well for the last 15 months.

When S was away for a long weekend last week K made a big pass at me after a few drinks and a heart-to-heart chat. I was really overwhelmed as I love her deeply but I didn’t reciprocate and just gave her a hug and said good night.

I’m currently away in Spain for work on my own and don’t really want to go home. I feel terrible as I almost cheated on my wife and also hurt K’s feelings. I have never and will never cheat on anyone as I wouldn’t want it done to me.

I suppose my question is what the f**k do I do next? I love them both so much and I just want us all to stay together happy forever.

My worry is I’m going to lose K if I don’t give her want she wants and if I do that, I risk losing S.

This may sound weird but it’s not about sex for me. It’s about our happy loving household staying together. I’ve never felt so happy as we all are so different but we all respect and respond to each others needs.

I know they fancy each other by the way they look at each other but maybe they’re just playing at it and…. Well I don’t know. I fancy both of them (for very different reasons) but I don’t want to lose what we all have due to jealousy.

When I speak to my wife S about me & K’s relationship she says it’s fine cos it gives her time to write her book in peace whilst we go out and party etc. I felt bad at first but she’s (S) honestly happier and we have a better relationship than ever.

I know we all need to talk to each other but I don’t know where to start. I’m so worried K feels left out and I’m properly confused.

Should I suggest a poly relationship?

Thank you if you read this far and if you have any suggestions I would appreciate it.

R

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, I’ve just joined the group.

Hi and welcome!

Before I comment in detail, I highly suggest you head on over to our Golden Nuggets section, where we have links to poly resources, many great articles, books, a podcast, movies, and also to older consolidated threads on here, defined by topic.

Most people start with the books Opening Up, Polysecure, and/or Designer Relationships.

What you need is information, education, and open honest fearless communication between the three of you, to get out of this grey area you're all skirting around.

I live with my wife, See (46), and our friend, my best friend, Kay (35). We have all lived together happily for over a year. See and I have been married for over 25 years. We have both known Kay for over 12 years.

I am adding some vowels to the initials for readability. It's much easier to remember nicknames than initials when we give feedback.

We all love & respect each other very much. Kay moved in with us when her home became uninhabitable after a storm and has never moved out (& we don’t want her to).

We all work together from home, both office work and field work. The office work is carried out mostly by See and Kay. The field work is done solely by me and Kay (so we spend long hours out on the road together).

I now can’t live without Kay. She is so much part of our everyday lives.

You might know that when you spend oodles of time with a friend of the sex you are attracted to, romantic/sexual attraction often naturally occurs. Pheromones are pheromoning. So, that's happening. It's nothing to be ashamed of. If you all want to take it to the next level, you can. Read, and talk, and go slowly.

We all enjoy each other company, both individually and all together, every day. See has also said the same. We have regular conversations separately and all together to make sure everyone feels happy and heard and is valued in the relationship. Kay has said she never wants to leave, that home is now her safe & happy place.

Good start. Now get more open about the sexual piece! So many adults are uncomfortable talking about sex. They'd rather just do it. And then mayhem ensues.

We have all been acting like it’s normal that 3 adults live and work together happily, but we are getting negative comments from our friends and family that don’t understand us.

We all can relate to that.

See and I have sex together. Kay doesn’t [have sex with us]. This is becoming difficult.

I am guessing Kay is not dating anyone and hasn't for a while. I wonder why that is.

Kay is extremely emotionally close to me. See is pushing to take it further.

Sounds like there's no problem there.

Kay is openly bi. See has never tried it, but wants to, and has always spoken about trying it with a girl since I’ve known her.

And I assume Kay and See are attracted to each other... So where is the problem?

I’ve never considered this type of relationship until now. See makes jokes about having 2 spouses. Kay makes jokes about stealing my wife when apologising for overstepping when filling in for me with (non-sexual) husband duties around the house.

Time to stop awkwardly joking and get real with each other, that you'd like to begin a triad, a relationship where all three people are sexually/romantically involved. Often, "forced" triads crash and burn spectacularly, but you three have the beginnings of an "organic" one, having known each other for 12 years, know each other well, are good roommates, etc.

When See is away for work, or visiting family, Kay fills in as my spouse (non-sexual). We all joke about how great it is.

Time to stop joking and admit it. Just be real!

When See was away for a long weekend last week, Kay made a big pass at me after a few drinks and a heart-to-heart chat. I was really overwhelmed, as I love her deeply, but I didn’t reciprocate. I just gave her a hug and said good night.

Thank god. Never start a poly relationship accidentally while drunk! You dodged a bullet there.

I’m currently away for work. I don’t really want to go home. I feel terrible. I almost cheated on my wife.

No, you didn't.

and also hurt K’s feelings.

That's okay, as she was drunk. She should be grateful you kept your head.

I have never and will never cheat on anyone...

I suppose my question is: what the f**k do I do next? I love them both so much and I just want us all to stay together happy forever.

Read. Tell the women you all need to read and get educated about ethical non-monogamy. Talk openly and honestly. That's all there is to it. Really.

One issue that could crop up: feelings developing unequally between any two of the partners. Each dyad in a triad will develop at its own pace. No one should ever feel forced to do something sexually they really don't want to do, just to keep the peace and not rock the boat.

Your reading will show you how to navigate this in much more detail.

My worry is I’m going to lose Kay if I don’t give her what she wants.

If she'd insist on your cheating on See just to get sex for herself, she's no friend.

and if I do that, I risk losing See.

So don't cheat.

This may sound weird, but it’s not about sex for me. It’s about our happy loving household staying together. I’ve never felt so happy. We all are different but we all respect and respond to each other's needs.

Not weird at all. Polyamory is about multiple loves first. Sex is secondary. Also, polyamory doesn't mean group sex. There is no need for awkward threesomes right off the bat, if ever. This is very important. Most polyamorous people do not have group sex.

I know they fancy each other by the way they look at each other, but maybe they’re just playing at it.

Ask.

I fancy both of them (for very different reasons) but I don’t want to lose what we all have due to jealousy.

Right.

When I speak to See about me & Kay's relationship, she says it’s fine cos it gives her time to write her book in peace whilst we go out and party, etc. I felt bad at first, but See is honestly happier and we have a better relationship than ever.

Good. Just don't do anything disrespectful while drunk or high.

I know we all need to talk to each other, but I don’t know where to start. I’m so worried Kay feels left out. I’m properly confused.

Should I suggest a poly relationship?

Just start by talking openly with both, separately and together, about who is attracted to whom, and if anyone really wants to consummate. It's up to you all! Keep lines of communication open as you go along. Get "couples" counseling for all three of you if reading and talking amongst yourself isn't enough.

Are there any kids in the mix? Doesn't sound like it.

Good luck. I'm glad you're here. This could be the start of something wonderful.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ricky,

The most important thing in polyamory is mutual consent. Should you get sexually involved with K? The answer is yes, as long as all three of you consent to the arrangement. To find out whether you have this consent, I think the three of you need to sit down together and have a heart-to-heart about it. Talk about the elephant in the room. "I have been been wondering about the idea of the three of us forming a polyamorous unit, and I wonder if you guys have been thinking about that too. Can we talk about that? I deeply enjoy the platonic rapport we all share, and I wouldn't want to do anything to upset that balance." It is a scary conversation to have, but I think it is inevitable.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

IMO you are all living/participating in a poly relationship, minus the last 15-20%, which is the physical/sexual side of things.

I can’t see how or why, with open and honest communication, you can’t push past, individually or collectively, the last barrier.

 

[ricky]

IMO you are all living / participating in a poly relationship minus the last 15-20 % …which is the phyical / sexual side of things.

I can’t see how or why with open and honest communication you can’t pushed past individually or collectively the last barrier.

Yes your right I suppose. I hadn’t thought about it like that. Open honest communication is key and I will build up the courage to have a big chat with them. Thank you for your advice, R

 

[ricky]

Hello ricky,

The most important thing in polyamory is mutual consent. Should you get sexually involved with K? The answer is yes, as long as all three of you consent to the arrangement. To find out whether you have this consent, I think the three of you need to sit down together and have a heart-to-heart about it. Talk about the elephant in the room. "I have been been wondering about the idea of the three of us forming a polyamorous unit, and I wonder if you guys have been thinking about that too. Can we talk about that? I deeply enjoy the platonic rapport we all share, and I wouldn't want to do anything to upset that balance." It is a scary conversation to have, but I think it is inevitable.

Regards,
Kevin T.

This is really good advice. I’m going to talk to my wife S first (as soon as I can find a time with her alone). And then, if I get a positive response (& I’m going to give her as much time as she needs to consider)I will speak to K. Just need to build up the courage now. Thanks again for your help, R

 

[ricky]

Hi and welcome!

Before I comment in detail, I highly suggest you head on over to our Golden Nuggets section, where we have links to poly resources, many great articles, books, a podcast, movies, and also to older consolidated threads on here, defined by topic.

Most people start with the books Opening Up, Polysecure, and/or Designer Relationships.

What you need is information, education, and open honest fearless communication between the three of you, to get out of this grey area you're all skirting around.

I am adding some vowels to the initials for readability. It's much easier to remember nicknames than initials when we give feedback.


You might know that when you spend oodles of time with a friend of the sex you are attracted to, romantic/sexual attraction often naturally occurs. Pheromones are pheromoning. So, that's happening. It's nothing to be ashamed of. If you all want to take it to the next level, you can. Read, and talk, and go slowly.

Good start. Now get more open about the sexual piece! So many adults are uncomfortable talking about sex. They'd rather just do it. And then mayhem ensues.

We all can relate to that.

I am guessing Kay is not dating anyone and hasn't for a while. I wonder why that is.

Sounds like there's no problem there.

And I assume Kay and See are attracted to each other... So where is the problem?

Time to stop awkwardly joking and get real with each other, that you'd like to begin a triad, a relationship where all three people are sexually/romantically involved. Often, "forced" triads crash and burn spectacularly, but you three have the beginnings of an "organic" one, having known each other for 12 years, know each other well, are good roommates, etc.

Time to stop joking and admit it. Just be real!

Thank god. Never start a poly relationship accidentally while drunk! You dodged a bullet there.

No, you didn't.

That's okay, as she was drunk. She should be grateful you kept your head.

Read. Tell the women you all need to read and get educated about ethical non-monogamy. Talk openly and honestly. That's all there is to it. Really.

One issue that could crop up: feelings developing unequally between any two of the partners. Each dyad in a triad will develop at its own pace. No one should ever feel forced to do something sexually they really don't want to do, just to keep the peace and not rock the boat.

Your reading will show you how to navigate this in much more detail.

If she'd insist on your cheating on See just to get sex for herself, she's no friend.

So don't cheat.

Not weird at all. Polyamory is about multiple loves first. Sex is secondary. Also, polyamory doesn't mean group sex. There is no need for awkward threesomes right off the bat, if ever. This is very important. Most polyamorous people do not have group sex.

Ask.

Right.

Good. Just don't do anything disrespectful while drunk or high.

Just start by talking openly with both, separately and together, about who is attracted to whom, and if anyone really wants to consummate. It's up to you all! Keep lines of communication open as you go along. Get "couples" counseling for all three of you if reading and talking amongst yourself isn't enough.

Are there any kids in the mix? Doesn't sound like it.

Good luck. I'm glad you're here. This could be the start of something wonderful.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed answer. I will read and educate myself before having the big talk with them (still nervous but it feels better that there are others like yourself that have been there). Thank you again, R.

 

[Tinwen]

Shame is your enemy
Talk and talk and talk.

 

[ricky]

Shame is your enemy
Talk and talk and talk.

Yes, thank you. It’s not my best attribute (at least when it’s important). I spoke with my therapist about it this morning. I’m going to talk to my wife S first, and then K. My wife has been away for the past week, so it’s given me time to collect my thoughts. I’m so nervous she will be upset and leave.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, thank you. It’s not my best attribute (at least when it’s important). I spoke with my therapist about it this morning. I’m going to talk to my wife S first, and then K. My wife has been away for the past week, so it’s given me time to collect my thoughts. I’m so nervous she will be upset and leave.

I hope it goes well, and reduces stress and confusion, and brings you all closer than ever. Hiding feelings never works. They always have a way of coming out, and the longer you wait, the worse the result can be.

I know many in our culture are brought up with a lot of shame around sex. But this is not necessary.