Seeking advice on NRE affecting sexual connection with current partner(s)

[Matcha Matcha Man]

Hello all, looking for advice, opinions or experiential anecdotes regarding navigating the NRE period in relation to my current situation.

My partner of 12 years and I have maintained an open relationship since we met. We have played with others both together and separately but our interactions with others were always categorized as primarily sexual or at most FWB situations. This was her preference, I have had experience with poly dynamics in the past but she didn’t seem open to it and it didn’t come up.

More recently though she has started experimenting with dating in a more open-ended fashion - that is without having a preconceived idea of the person as being in a “just sex” or other “lesser” category and she seems to be deciding that she would like to pursue a more serious relationship with someone if things started developing in that direction.

So now we’re talking with each other about poly and what we think it means to each of us as well as to our relationship.

I have no problem with poly, to the contrary I think it’s my preferred relationship model though when I have been in poly situations before (over two decades ago) it wasn’t so self-consciously defined. I just knew I liked having multiple partners and wanted them all to know and be comfortable with each other.

My concern is more with my partner. As she hasn’t had experience with having multiple partners where there are feelings involved I think she is having trouble understanding her own feelings about it or with understanding how others’ feelings could be affected.

We’re still in the early stages of this discussion but one issue has already come up. It’s a hypothetical at this point but I suspect it won’t stay that way for long. It’s about navigating the NRE phase.

As we have been together for 12 years, and we have a child together, the sexual excitement phase of our relationship has cooled way down. I believe that for her she mostly values the companionate aspect of our relationship. I definitely retain more sexual interest in her than she does in me.

We both have worries about the other meeting a new person. Her concern is that because I’m feeling like I’m not getting as much sexual attention from her as I would like that when I meet someone and I start getting that from that person I will transfer a lot of the affection and attention that she currently enjoys to my new lover.

My concern is based on something she has said: that she thinks it would be natural if, during the NRE phase of a new relationship, one was to lose most sexual interest in their existing partner(s) for a period of time. As NRE is typically thought to last at least three months, but commonly six months to perhaps two years I find that somewhat alarming.

I have told her that I think that a healthy polyamorous relationship requires making sure your other partner(s) don’t feel completely neglected when you meet someone new. Yes, NRE is great and can be overwhelming, and I would expect her to want to spend a lot of time with the new person for a while, probably more than with me. But I don’t think that putting the sexual part of our relationship mostly or completely on hold for months or even years is a viable strategy, unless her aim is for us to split up. Which she says is not what she wants.

Also up to this point we have been able to share with each other the details of our experiences with others and to be genuinely happy for each other that we have been having these adventures. I want to be able to know about her new poly partner(s) and feel happy for her the way I have felt about her other lovers up to now; but I think it will be very difficult for me to feel that way if I’m feeling cast aside, even if it’s being described as temporary.

So… those of you who consider yourselves to be in successful poly relationships: what do you think? Keep in mind she’s going to read this as well.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi and welcome to the forum

Hello all, looking for advice, opinions or experiential anecdotes regarding navigating the NRE period in relation to my current situation.

Not sure about advice but you’ll certainly get my opinion ….for what it’s worth.

My partner of 12 years and I have maintained an open relationship since we met. We have played with others both together and separately but our interactions with others were always categorized as primarily sexual or at most FWB situations. This was her preference, I have had experience with poly dynamics in the past but she didn’t seem open to it and it didn’t come up.

I think you have a great advantage over most mono couples coming here with similar mileage. So I’d view that as a double plus.

More recently though she has started experimenting with dating in a more open-ended fashion - that is without having a preconceived idea of the person as being in a “just sex” or other “lesser” category and she seems to be deciding that she would like to pursue a more serious relationship with someone if things started developing in that direction.

So essentially dropping any hierarchy or couples privileges. Are you 2 married ?

So now we’re talking with each other about poly and what we think it means to each of us as well as to our relationship.

Has there been a huge gulf between your “meanings “

I have no problem with poly, to the contrary I think it’s my preferred relationship model though when I have been in poly situations before (over two decades ago) it wasn’t so self-consciously defined. I just knew I liked having multiple partners and wanted them all to know and be comfortable with each other.

My concern is more with my partner. As she hasn’t had experience with having multiple partners where there are feelings involved I think she is having trouble understanding her own feelings about it or with understanding how others’ feelings could be affected.

We’re still in the early stages of this discussion but one issue has already come up. It’s a hypothetical at this point but I suspect it won’t stay that way for long. It’s about navigating the NRE phase.

As we have been together for 12 years, and we have a child together, the sexual excitement phase of our relationship has cooled way down. I believe that for her she mostly values the companionate aspect of our relationship. I definitely retain more sexual interest in her than she does in me.

I recommend getting some sort of confirmation on this and other points because introducing others and a healthy dose of NRE either one sided or both sides could easily change things dramatically. IMO desire can shift in the snap or a finger without much warning.

We both have worries about the other meeting a new person. Her concern is that because I’m feeling like I’m not getting as much sexual attention from her as I would like that when I meet someone and I start getting that from that person I will transfer a lot of the affection and attention that she currently enjoys to my new lover.

I very logical and practical eventuality….ive seen it happen here numerous times. To me ( and from the people I’ve chatted with here ) it’s about feeling valued as a spouse or partner vs obligation or after thought….” someone I must keep happy as to not blow up this current set up “.

My concern is based on something she has said: that she thinks it would be natural if, during the NRE phase of a new relationship, one was to lose most sexual interest in their existing partner(s) for a period of time.

I wish I could remember the exact thread it was a long time ago but several poly women basically admitted this exact thing AND strongly suggested faking it til making it through the NRE phase. The implication in that thread was play the game agree to dates and or sex as to not upset the apple cart too much. THE trouble IMO a with this strategy is what’s worse half assed placation of a romantic relationship or straight up neglect….which feels worse or causes more damage ??? I’ve heard ithe NRE phase described as death by a thousand paper cuts.

As NRE is typically thought to last at least three months, but commonly six months to perhaps two years I find that somewhat alarming.

The question should be what relationship are you “ coming “ back to after 2 yrs. IMO aim today society people move on pretty quick. And after A yr and change is anyone thinking there’s going to be this reversal in another 6 months back to the way it was. IMO Whatever the relationship you had up to this point might was well view it as dead and gone going forward …be it romantic or sexual and something new is going to be built on the old foot print.

I have told her that I think that a healthy polyamorous relationship requires making sure your other partner(s) don’t feel completely neglected when you meet someone new.

Seems super logical however it’s really hard for lots of people to actually carry out. I suggest you both read the article on poly Hell. That outlines the downsides of NRE.

Yes, NRE is great and can be overwhelming, and I would expect her to want to spend a lot of time with the new person for a while, probably more than with me. But I don’t think that putting the sexual part of our relationship mostly or completely on hold for months or even years is a viable strategy, unless her aim is for us to split up. Which she says is not what she wants.

Does this mean she’s in agreement or just not interested in splitting up as of right now ?

Also up to this point we have been able to share with each other the details of our experiences with others and to be genuinely happy for each other that we have been having these adventures. I want to be able to know about her new poly partner(s) and feel happy for her the way I have felt about her other lovers up to now; but I think it will be very difficult for me to feel that way if I’m feeling cast aside, even if it’s being described as temporary.

How you’ll process your side of this experience is going to be completely up to you …people in run away NRE don’t generally give a rip about comepersion feelings there other partners may or may not have.

 

[Matcha Matcha Man]

Hi, Dinged Heart and thanks for your reply. I’ll attempt to answer your questions.

First I apologize for the formatting, I haven’t figured out yet how to put quotes inline to reply to as you did. Is there an instruction on that somewhere?

Anyhow I’m going to reply to the questions in order so hopefully you can follow without having to jump back and forth too much.

We’re not married but we live together, have a child and mingled finances so it’s similar.

The poly discussion is quite new so we haven’t discussed things like hierarchy, but from what has been said so far I think she would consider me her primary partner if for no other reason than we live together and have a kid, plus there’s the 12 year history. I think the stability of our home life is very important to her. I used ”lesser” not as a poly hierarchy term but to describe how she has been compartmentalizing her (and our shared) other partners so far - sex only or FWB - in a different category. This is what we are contemplating changing.

To be clear, the poly discussion is not because she has “caught feelings” for one of her other sex partners, actually kind of the opposite: she started dating someone new relatively recently and while she says they have good chemistry and have been spending more time together than she anticipated she thinks he’s completely inappropriate as a long term partner and she’s starting to feel like she’s investing a lot of time and energy in a situation that has no future. But this is making her realize she is starting to desire a more serious connection with someone or at least she is missing the feeling of falling in love.

I think it’s good that we are having this discussion now, before it becomes a pressing issue

Back to your questions:

It’s too early to say what the gulf is between our meanings. We’re just really just starting the conversation. Based on our previous experience I expect that we will have quite different starting points but I can’t answer this yet. Certainly my main question I had in starting this thread is an indication that we’re approaching it with different desires.

Yes I already found the poly hell article and am sharing it with her. Thanks.

Thanks for the perspective on NRE and how that affects desire for the existing partner. That’s exactly the type of information I came here to find. And of course the dilemma is that I don’t want to feel that she is having sex with me out of a sense of obligation (not that she is the sort of person who would anyhow) but I also know that without a sexual connection with her I would feel differently than I do now about her other lovers, and I think it could break the relationship.

I realize letting her know that could be seen as a kind of pressure, but I don’t see how not addressing that issue honestly could work.

As i alluded to earlier, we are already having some difficulties around mismatched sexual desire, and even differing philosophies about the importance of sex in long term relationship, with her valuing it much less than I do. It’s something we’re actively working on but it’s not an ideal starting point for transitioning to a poly relationship.

I’m not sure what we agree and disagree on vis-a-vis poly yet but so far she has been clear that she sees me as her permanent long-term partner and has no desire to split. We both realize of course that things are only permanent until they’re not.

I’m pretty sure that she’d be happy staying with me as long as I continue to support her autonomy as I have been so far in our relationship (and this has been mutual, there is no double standard at play here). But if her autonomy will require that she stop having sex with me mostly or completely while she concentrates on a new person or people I think that would break something in me.

She thinks that if I also had another partner (I’m not currently dating anyone solo) I wouldn’t care as much as I do about the sexual connection with her. And while I agree that it might make things feel less urgent I still value very highly the sexual connection i have with her and would be unhappy about its absence.

In a way i think that she could end up pushing me into the scenario she says she’s afraid of where I end up getting the feeling of being desired from another partner and not from her and I then transfer most of my affection to the new partner. This isn’t at all what I want, I know from previous experience that I can have sexual/romantic love for more than one person. I’m not so sure about her ability to do so.

It’s occurring to me that she may not really be poly and is actually looking for the ability to practice serial monogamy (at least emotionally) while maintaining the safety of a long term relationship. And of course this concern will be part of our poly discussion.

Again thanks. And sorry for the long reply and poor formatting.

 

[Tinwen]

I think it's quite individual and can go both ways.

Sometimes interest in existing partners is lost - either temporarily, worst case permanently if people fall "out of love" - the way it happens in serial monogamy.

It's also common NRE revives the overall sexdrive, and it translates into the original relationship too.

Poly is a relationship choice, but some people are better predisposed to it than others. People who identify as poly usually experience that NRE alone doesn't diminish their feelings for their existing partner. They could be overshadowed by something STRONG, but they don't really CHANGE.

I don't think you can be sure someone has that capacity to love more than one until they experience it happening, but many more people do have that capacity than our monogamous culture would make us believe.

Poly people absolutely do have the responsibility not to neglected their existing partners when they start out with new ones. NRE (the first three months especially,it does calm down) makes it hard sometimes to keep focused during couples' dates and just regular ordinary daily life, but hopefully we do our best.

You are already successfully non-monogamous, you must have had glipses of what happens when you start out with a new fwb or similar. If wife makes an accout and comments here, I would love to hear (from her) why she thinks her interest in you might fade - is that based on a particular experience?

 

[Tinwen]

If you hit the "reply" button on someon's post, you get a quote. On a pc it's not hard to devide it into chunks, on a phone it's pain, but can be done.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey, Matcha Matcha Man. Love the name!

It's unpredictable what effect NRE can have on a relationship. It's good you're looking ahead, though.

If you saw the "poly hell" article, maybe you found it in our Golden Nuggets section. We also have a long list of former consolidated threads there, some of which must address all the ways NRE can effect a LTR.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Also, the books Opening Up and Designer Relationships address the differences in quality between an "open relationship" (casual sex only), swinging and actual polyamory.

I'm more interested in you and your partner changing from more of a casual/swinging/FWBs-only kind of setup to a polyamorous one. Is she tired of constantly changing partners, or dating people who are good in bed, but not really emotionally, intellectually compatible, or who have nothing in common with her other than a desire for sex?

Did you two having all these casual-sex relationships help or hinder your own sex life together? That could have bearing on how it goes in the switch from casual sex to polyamory. Is your partner more enthused for sex with her FWBs than she is for sex with you?

 

[Matcha Matcha Man]

I'm more interested in you and your partner changing from more of a casual/swinging/FWBs-only kind of setup to a polyamorous one. Wife is tired of constantly changing partners, or dating people who are good in bed, but not really emotionally, intellectually compatible, or who have nothing in common with her other than a desire for sex?

Hopefully she will create an account and give her own perspective at some point, but English is not her first language and it’s a lot more work for her. I’ll do my best to explain my understanding of her thoughts and feelings as she has explained them to me.

I think she’s very much still in an experimental phase when it comes to figuring out what sort of relationship model works for her. When we met she was dating a couple and going to private sex parties regularly but previous to that she had been having monogamous relationships which she would then tire of after a couple of years and eventually move on to the next one.

In the phase where I met her she had discarded the serial monogamy and was experimenting with group sex, sex with women (she identifies as bisexual), and various kinks. But she still wanted to have a stable relationship, she was just clear that she didn’t want it to be monogamous.

We bonded, among other things, on our shared desire for a stable non-monogamous relationship. And for the first few years we pretty much only had sex with other people when we were together, with a couple exceptions on her side when she was meeting with the couple she had been dating when we met and I was away or had some obligation I couldn’t get out of.

Then we had a child and then the pandemic shut down most opportunities to be with other people. So we went through a period of situational monogamy, which didn’t fit us well and we weren’t enjoying life or each other all that much beyond parenting.

After a while we decided it was time to revive our sex life but it had been really dependent on a core group of friends which had kind of dispersed, there really wasn’t the critical mass necessary to keep things going.

We tried Feeld but in Spain where we live there really aren’t enough people on the app in our age group. We aren’t unicorn hunters. We were hoping to meet other couples. But we weren’t really getting anywhere. So she suggested that we try dating separately. Just so we could meet people and have some fun again and if possible start to rebuild the kind of group we had been part of before.

That worked better, I was dating a woman for a while who also got involved in group play with my partner and me and a few of our friends.

My partner has met a couple of men, most recently she started regularly seeing a younger guy that she has had a really hard time explaining her attraction to. She just says they have good chemistry and she is enjoying it. But at the same time I think she is feeling like it’s kind of pointless. He’s looking for a long term partner to have kids with and will probably stop being ENM friendly when he finds that. I’ve been encouraging her to look for someone who’s a better match.

But the main thing is that she feels like the solo dating has been an experiment that has made her realize that she doesn’t want relationships that are limited to sex only or FWB. Whatever spark she feels with this guy has made her feel that she wants to be able to experience that but with a person who has more potential to be an actual partner.

Did you two having all these casual sex relationships help or hinder your own sex life together? That could have bearing on how it goes in the switch from casual sex to polyamory. Is your partner more enthused for sex with her FWBs than she is for sex with you?

It’s a little hard to say as casual sex has always been present in our relationship. I feel like it is just a fact. I would say it helped in the sense that it was a shared desire. I don’t feel like it ever hindered.

However the issue we are having would exist whatever sort of relationship we were having which is that she feels like her sexual desire for her partners inevitably wanes. I think she thought that casual sex could fill the void but now she’s realizing she’s missing the falling in love part.

So we have a mismatch, I have much more sexual desire for her than she has for me. She doesn’t understand how couples maintain sexual interest in each other long term, as it feels alien to her. This is something we have been working on prior to her suggesting polyamory. She does still enjoy having group sex with me and others, but it’s a lot of logistics involved in arranging a small orgy just so I can have sex with my partner.

So yes, it’s clear she is more enthused about sex with other people than she is with me. It’s not that there is no affection, it’s just that it rarely turns sexual unless we’re on a scheduled date with each other. She describes is not as a complete lack of desire but more as a mismatch in terms of frequency. But it’s a big mismatch.i could easily have sex with her more than once a week. She says she could imagine feeling inspired without having to try maybe 9 times a year, but possibly as infrequently as once or twice a year depending on circumstances.

I would have no problem with her falling in love with another man, woman or both but given her struggle to maintain sexual interest in me I can’t help but see it as a pulling away from me if she’s unable to maintain a sexual relationship with me as well.

I know it’s not something I can expect or demand of her. But at the same time if I know how it’s going to affect me she needs to be aware of it.

I am asking these questions here in hopes that people who have successfully navigated similar situations will have some advice, or words of encouragement.

 

[Matcha Matcha Man]

It's also common NRE revives the overall sexdrive, and it translates into the original relationship too.

Yeah that’s not a dynamic in our case. When she started dating separately I was hoping for that, And while she’s happy sharing the details of her experiences with me (which is something we actually bond over) she is mystified at how I think anything she does sexually with someone else without my participation could have anything to do with me.

The only relatively minor benefit I have experienced is when she has come home from being with another lover who didn’t completely satisfy her and her residual horniness led to us having sex. But even if I could count on that happening the timing of it doesn’t ususlly work - it’s the morning and we have things to do. By the time we may have enough time to spend together her horniness has dissipated.

Poly is a relationship choice, but some people are better predisposed to it than others. People who identify as poly usually experience that NRE alone doesn't diminish their feelings for their existing partner. They could be overshadowed by something STRONG, but they don't really CHANGE.

As much said in my reply to another here in our case the feelings are already diminished. I worry that poly could drive a wedge between us. I worry that she’s not really interested in poly but that she’s looking to revert to a kind of serial monogamy (sexually) while maintaining the emotional security of our long term relationship.

Whether she truly has the temperament for poly or not, which as you point out we cannot know until she tries it, her belief that it would be reasonable to expect me to be ok with no sex with her (at least no solo sex with just the two of us) until she started getting bored with the new person seems like a big ask.

And then what’s to stop her from finding another new lover and putting me on hold indefinitely again?

I don't think you can be sure someone has that capacity to love more than one until they experience it happening, but many more people do have that capacity than our monogamous culture would make us believe.

Poly people absolutely do have the responsibility not to neglected their existing partners when they start out with new ones.

I agree with this statement but how does she do that without feeling like she’s being emotionally extorted? If it’s already a struggle for her, and if other lovers don’t increase her desire for me, what can we do to maintain our sexual connection?

You are already successfully non-monogamous, you must have had glipses of what happens when you start out with a new fwb or similar. If wife makes an accout and comments here, I would love to hear (from her) why she thinks her interest in you might fade - is that based on a particular experience?

Again. I think I answered this before but she thinks it’s unusual for a couple to maintain a sexual interest in each other long term (more than a few years at most ). In that context she readily admits that her sexual interest in me has faded. But she’s also been willing to try to do things that don’t come naturally to her to maintain the connection.

I believe she’s thinking that when I find another lover I will lose interest in her as well. Based on past experience I don’t think that is the case. I fall into the category of people you mentioned who are energized by sexual connection with others and brings that back into the primary relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

Matcha Man, thanks for your detailed replies; they help a lot!

It is interesting what you say, that you are afraid your wife's NRE for future polyamorous partners could reduce her desire for you. It sounds to me like that is already a major problem in your sexual disconnect. Your wife might be something of an "NRE junkie." Her sexual desire for any partner, including you, wanes after NRE fades, two years at most. She doesn't even understand how desire can last beyond that period. This seems clear. Your libidos/sexual desires are mismatched.

Your desire for your wife has not waned. You'd love to have sex with her multiple times a week. She however, wouldn't desire it more than 1-9 times a year, without "trying." You've tried to stimulate her to allow you to have sex with her by providing "fluffers" (one might say), in the form of other sex partners, either orgy-style or individually.

Being forced to focus on each other during the pandemic brought this out. You were bored, maybe contentious, with each other.

So, that's where you are, and where you have been, for your entire relationship. It sounds to me like that wouldn't change, whether her other sex partners are "casual," or more "serious." She treats casual partners and you (a serious partner) the same. Sex for two years, then dry as a desert.

Do I have that right, at all?

 

[Matcha Matcha Man]

So, that's where you are, and where you have been, for your entire relationship. It sounds to me like that wouldn't change, whether her other sex partners are "casual," or more "serious." She treats casual partners and you (a serious partner) the same. Sex for two years, then dry as a desert.

Do I have that right, at all?

Pretty close, though the desert is dotted with cacti and there’s an occasional oasis in there.

It’s not strictly two years. She has another lover FWB style that she met shortly after she and I got together. But it’s long distance and they see each other at most six tines a year, so she’s unlikely to get bored with that. Also apparently the sex is great. Actually more than apparently, we have all been together in group situations (pre pandemic) and I have witnessed their sexual connection first hand. It’s pretty impressive.

But you’re right this mismatch dynamic is a longstanding “feature” of our relationship. We are trying to see if there is some middle we can meet in. My concern is that a pivot to poly will make things worse.

 

[Tinwen]

Poly makes all the cracks in you relationship stand out, and this is already happening now that you've started to discuss it - good.

Frankly, you sound hopeless that the sexual connection between the two of you could be revived even if you avoid poly. In that case you may have some hard choices to make anyway, in having a mostly sexless nesting relationship with other partners on the side - whether for sex or love doesn't seem so important under this lens - or part ways.

Since you made it clear your wife is reading this, I think it's best to get her input now.

 

[Matcha Matcha Man]

Poly makes all the cracks in you relationship stand out, and this is already happening now that you've started to discuss it - good.

Frankly, you sound hopeless that the sexual connection between the two of you could be revived even if you avoid poly. In that case you may have some hard choices to make anyway, in having a mostly sexless nesting relationship with other partners on the side - whether for sex or love doesn't seem so important under this lens - or part ways.

Since you made it clear your wife is reading this, I think it's best to get her input now.

I don’t feel hopeless, but I do think we’re in a tough spot poly or no. We have been communicating well about this and we do still have a lot of overlapping goals and we would both like to find a way to stay together.

I may have overstated the situation, making it sound worse than it is, as this is my weakest point - I don’t really have jealousy issues normally but when i feel in danger of being replaced the jealousy does rear its ugly head. So I think I’m projecting fear that may be out of proportion to the actual situation.

In stil hoping to hear from some people in successful poly relationships about the things they have done to preserve their sexual connection when

My partner has not read any of this yet as she is away for the weekend but when she comes back I’ll be sharing it all with her.

 

[Matcha Matcha Man]

So to sum up:

Thanks for the thoughtful replies so far.

I’m aware that my partner and I have existing challenges regarding a mismatch in desire (for whatever reason).

What I’m hoping to hear is from people who have navigated NRE situations in a way that strengthened or at least helped to limit the damage to an existing relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

Pretty close, though the desert is dotted with cacti and there’s an occasional oasis in there.

It’s not strictly two years. She has another lover FWB style that she met shortly after she and I got together. But it’s long distance and they see each other at most six tines a year, so she’s unlikely to get bored with that.

It sounds like absence makes the heart grow fonder with that guy. He's not in her life daily, like you are, so having sex with him about every other month is not a chore, but a pleasure. She really seems to need the novelty to have any interest in sex at all.

Also apparently the sex is great. Actually more than apparently, we have all been together in group situations (pre pandemic) and I have witnessed their sexual connection first hand. It’s pretty impressive.

But you’re right this mismatch dynamic is a longstanding “feature” of our relationship. We are trying to see if there is some middle we can meet in. My concern is that a pivot to poly will make things worse.

It could hardly be worse. Hmm... maybe you would rather be with someone who does desire you more than a few times a year.

 

[Matcha Matcha Man]

It sounds like absence makes the heart grow fonder with that guy. He's not in her life daily, like you are, so having sex with him about every other month is not a chore, but a pleasure. She really seems to need the novelty to have any interest in sex at all.

She readily admits that. She also has doubts about how healthy that is and if it’s a pattern that does not serve her in the long term. But yes, having a lover who represents a fun escape from her daily life is attractive to her.

It could hardly be worse. Hmm... maybe you would rather be with someone who does desire you more than a few times a year.

I think I would definitely _also_ like to be with someone who desires me more than a few times a year.

That I would rather be with that person is her fear, but not an inevitability in my mind.

 

[Magdlyn]

I don’t feel hopeless, but I do think we’re in a tough spot poly or no. We have been communicating well about this and we do still have a lot of overlapping goals and we would both like to find a way to stay together.

I may have overstated the situation, making it sound worse than it is, as this is my weakest point - I don’t really have jealousy issues normally but when i feel in danger of being replaced the jealousy does rear its ugly head.

Are you saying you wish to remain married, or partnered full time, somehow, to this woman? Preferring sex with others is one thing, but to actually want to split up altogether, is unacceptable?

Remember that polyamory does not mean fall in love with another and leave the established partner. It actually means the opposite. Fall in love with someone new and keep loving the established partner. It sounds like whether it's love or sex, your partner could easily have left you by now. You seem to want to grow old with her, sex or not. Does she want to grow old with you, or is she really just looking for an excuse to leave you?

Ask her.

As you said, you are probably overreacting, doom spiraling.

So I think I’m projecting fear that may be out of proportion to the actual situation.

I'm still hoping to hear from some people in successful poly relationships about the things they have done to preserve their sexual connection when [...]

My partner has not read any of this yet, as she is away for the weekend, but when she comes back I’ll be sharing it all with her.

What I’m hoping to hear is from people who have navigated NRE situations in a way that strengthened, or at least helped to limit the damage to an existing relationship.

My partner Pixi and I have been through NRE with others many times. Patience and compersion, and using our big heads, not just our sex organs, to think with, has preserved our relationship for 18 years. We had some minor speedbumps along the way, but very rarely.

On the other hand, my bf Aries has caused us more problems with his NRE. He does tend to go overboard. He has never stopped loving me deeply, or wanting to have lots of sex with me (over these four years we've had together). However, he tends to burn the candle at both ends sometimes. And other times, he is vague about his feelings or doings with others, and I feel in the dark. (There is a fine line between trying to be discreet and trying not to tell TMI.) When that happens, I call a meeting and we talk it all out. I tell him if and when I feel neglected and need reassurance, in words, or deeds.

Also, I am not dating any other men, but on the odd occasion I do get some interest on Fetlife, Aries does tend to get a little jealous. If any of those men were worth actually dating, he'd struggle a little. He knows he's too possessive to be a perfect poly partner.

 

[Tinwen]

What I’m hoping to hear is from people who have navigated NRE situations in a way that strengthened or at least helped to limit the damage to an existing relationship.

When I experienced crushes or NRE/limerance (largely unreciprocated by my kink partner), I always had trouble focusing in anything. But I felt alive and had more zest and yes, sex drive. As a result my work suffered more than my partner, who is happy to see me happy.
I never kept my feelings secret, and I need my partner to be able to hear about at least some of my excitement, yet I try not to gush too much.
I haven't been in a situation of having a full blown new relationship that would actually alter my daily life severely, and I think it's kind of important that new relationships fall mostly into the free time you usually have at your disposal - I would hate the notion you mentioned, that your spouse would spend more time with her new love than in the established relationship - but I tend to lean monogamish and lately hierarchical.

 

[Magdlyn]

She readily admits that.

More to say. Sorry for the multiple posts.

She also has doubts about how healthy that is, and if it’s a pattern that does not serve her in the long term.

Good to look at that. I mean, it might be common with swingers? I am not and never have been a swinger. And I sustain sex interest in long-term partners very well. There have been studies on the effect of novelty on sex drive with rodents. An interesting look at promiscuity, in humans, is the anthropological/sociological (but layman-friendly) book Sex at Dawn.

But yes, having a lover who represents a fun escape from her daily life is attractive to her.

The thing is, in polyamory, having more than one partner can become a daily thing, or at least someone you may see multiple times a week. Or you could have "comet partners," where you don't keep in much touch and only see once or twice a year.

It sounds like both you and your partner are afraid you are both polysexual, but monoamorous. Meaning, you have have casual sex with multiple partners, but might only be able to love one partner at a time. If you do "fall in love" with a new person, you will fall out of love with each other. And this could be the case. But if swinging alone isn't doing it, you might have to take that leap, that chance, and see what happens.

Polyamory is not "couple-centric." It's a network of loves.

My point is, a poly lover is not a "fun escape," but usually a real partner. Actually loving someone means being there with them for the "not so fun" times too, like when they are sick, or dealing with a job loss, or grieving the death of a loved one (human or animal), etc.

I think I would definitely _also_ like to be with someone who desires me more than a few times a year.

That I would rather be with that person is her fear, but not an inevitability in my mind.

One thing that is quite different about polyamory and swinging is that in swinging, the established couple is paramount. You go home with them. You save the vanilla activities and romance for them. Your sex partners are not full life partners.

One thing us poly folk like about polyamory is having more than one "real love, real life" partner. Everyone is a full person to us, not just the vehicle for their genitalia. We have hearts big enough for more than one actual lover. Ack. I wish English had more than one word for love. We can share "heart love" amongst many, not just lust.

 

[Matcha Matcha Man]

Are you saying you wish to remain married, or partnered full time, somehow, to this woman? Preferring sex with others is one thing, but to actually want to split up altogether, is unacceptable?

Yes, I believe that is true for both of us.

Remember that polyamory does not mean fall in love with another and leave the established partner. It actually means the opposite. Fall in love with someone new and keep loving the established partner. It sounds like whether it's love or sex, your partner could easily have left you by now. You seem to want to grow old with her, sex or not. Does she want to grow old with you, or is she really just looking for an excuse to leave you?

Ask her.

This is definitely going to be part of the conversation.

I don’t think she is looking for an excuse to leave me. But I do think the current conflict is in part because I have never said “no” in the past to her about anything regarding other sexual partners, in fact quite the opposite. But in the case of her withdrawing most (or all) sexual/romantic attention from our relationship for any sustained period (say more than a few months) I have told her that is a deal breaker for me.

It disappointed her to hear that as she feels like I am overvaluing the sexual aspect of our relationship and undervaluing other aspects. But to me sex is a core value of a romantic relationship, as long as both parties are healthy and able to have sex.

All this was before the idea of poly entered her mind, at least to the extent that she communicated it to me.

So in a sense poly is a bit of a red herring here. But I do feel that if she wants to open that particular can of worms it has the capacity to make an already fraught situation more contentious.

As you said, you are probably overreacting, doom spiraling.

I’m definitely trying to anticipate what could go wrong. I think I tend to do that in general in order to feel like I’m not being ambushed by circumstances I haven’t prepared for. Probably a bit of a control issue.

My partner Pixi and I have been through NRE with others many times. Patience and compersion, and using our big heads, not just our sex organs, to think with, has preserved our relationship for 18 years. We had some minor speedbumps along the way, but very rarely.

Thanks for opening up about that. Can you think of any instances where one of the other of you was feeling neglected, and how you dealt with it?,

On the other hand, my bf Aries has caused us more problems with his NRE. He does tend to go overboard. He has never stopped loving me deeply, or wanting to have lots of sex with me (over these four years we've had together). However, he tends to burn the candle at both ends sometimes. And other times, he is vague about his feelings or doings with others, and I feel in the dark. (There is a fine line between trying to be discreet and trying not to tell TMI.) When that happens, I call a meeting and we talk it all out. I tell him if and when I feel neglected and need reassurance, in words, or deeds.

How do those conversations go? Does he react well to your seeking reassurance? My partner tends to feel like I’m trying to manipulate her when I do that. I wonder if there’s a gendered aspect to it, where it’s ok for women to seek reassurance but if men do it they have a nefarious agenda?

Also, I am not dating any other men, but on the odd occasion I do get some interest on Fetlife, Aries does tend to get a little jealous. If any of those men were worth actually dating, he'd struggle a little. He knows he's too possessive to be a perfect poly partner.

Sounds like kinda typical guy behavior. A bit chaotic, impulsive, closed off. I think I have acted in most of those ways in my past, hopefully less so in my future. I can’t really relate to the jealousy/posessive aspect though.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Matcha Matcha Man,

Sure your partner should do right by you, even in the throes of NRE. I can't tell if she thinks she can't help it if her sexual desire for you will shut down altogether, maybe she just thinks it will diminish, and isn't communicating that very well to you. You and she probably need to have more conversations about your expectations and understandings of how poly will be. Make sure she knows you still want a sexual relationship with her, and make sure you understand what she is telling you in that regard. It's probably too soon to make definitive statements about, "She should do such and such." More conversations are needed first, and keep us updated as things evolve.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.