Boundary Setting Advice for a Newbie..

[mewz]

My boyfriend/partner, who is experienced in being in a polyam dynamic from previous relationships, and I, who have never been in one, but am open to it, have been together for a year, monogamously.

In the past 2 months he did start talking to another woman. He has been open to me about everything, so he isn't hiding her from me, nor is he not acknowledging my emotional reactions. In fact, he has been extremely attentive to me and very communicative over things.

The problem is I want to set some boundaries that would remain non-negotiable for both of us.

His new friend, which is how he is still referring to her as, has already made it clear after having just one in-person date, that she wants to sleep with him. She has not met me, no discussion about protection has come up, nothing about medical disclosure, because I'm sorry, I don't want him risking getting something from her, and passing it to me, especially considering she has more than 3 additional partners, nothing.

Would it be inappropriate for me to discuss with my partner that there needs to be a hard boundary set for using protection, medical disclosure, and meeting before said activities happen?

 

[lostinlove16]

Definitely nothing inappropriate about it! Make sure you both sit down somewhere you can be focused and not get disturbed while talking about it too. Leave no room for "I didn't hear" or "I misunderstood." I don't have the experience so say whether or not to include something like an ultimatum/consequence if he doesn't respect those boundaries, but I would say make sure he realizes how serious you are about them.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello mewz,

I think when you are setting boundaries, you need to do a kind of self-assessment, where you sit down and imagine various scenarios, and imagine how you would feel if this or that actually happened. Would it be tolerable, or would it be more than you could stand? Would it be tolerable, but unacceptable, something you would not want to happen? and then based on all that, think about what you would consider an appropriate response on your part. Some things you might consider it appropriate for you to withdraw in some way, other things would be so extreme for you that you would consider it appropriate to break up over those things. You could also have in-between things, where you could stand it happening two or three times, but you would give your partner a warning. This is just a general description of how the boundary-setting process works.

Boundaries are based on your personal feelings, and do not have to earn approval from anyone else. You are asking whether it would be appropriate to tell your partner that there needs to be a hard boundary set for using protection, medical disclosure, and meeting your metamour before anything sexual happens between her and your partner. In my opinion, these would be fair boundaries for you to set, you don't need his permission, just tell him that these are the things you require. If he agrees, then you actually have something more than a boundary, you have an agreement. Your boundary would be, how would you respond if he broke the agreement without negotiating with you first? You have the right to respect your own boundaries around yourself, he doesn't have to agree to that. I think it's especially important for you to advocate for your own sexual health.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

My boyfriend/partner, who is experienced in being in a polyam dynamic from previous relationships, and I, who have never been in one, but am open to it, have been together for a year monogamously. In the past 2 months, he did start talking to another woman. He has been open to me about everything, so he isn't hiding her from me, nor is he not acknowledging my emotional reactions. In fact, he has been extremely attentive to me and very communicative over things.

That all sounds good so far.

The problem is I want to set some boundaries that remain non-negotiable for both of us.

Well, that's not a problem, as I see it. It's normal and healthy for people in relationships to have personal boundaries.

His new friend has already made it clear, after having just one in-person date, that she wants to sleep with him. She has not met me, no discussion about protection has come up, nothing about medical disclosure. I'm sorry, I don't want him risking getting something from her, and passing it to me, especially considering she has more than 3 additional partners. Nothing.

Would it be inappropriate for me to discuss with my partner that there needs to be a hard boundary set for using protection, medical disclosure, and meeting before said activities happen?

It is not at all inappropriate. I'm not sure why you're even asking if it's okay to talk about safer sex practices. Everyone needs to be on top of this, whether you're single and dating, or in an open or poly relationship. Of course condoms should be used. Do you and your bf also use condoms?

Some people do make sure to get STI labs done before having sex. Did you and bf do that as well? Didn't you two have this discussion before beginning to have sex? Just go ahead and bring it up. I'd think it was on bf's mind already, since he's had poly relationships before.

Now, getting to meet a metamour (the partner of your partner) is not a given. Some metamours want to meet eventually. But your bf has only met her in person once. There is no knowing if this relationship is going anywhere. You can ask, but bf might refused to arrange this, or his friend might not be interested. She is dating him, not you.

There are different forms polyamorous networks can take.

Parallel poly- The metamours are each dated separately and don't wish to meet. If they meet briefly, they are polite, but aren't friends.
Garden party poly- The metamours see each other at certain special events, like birthday celebrations for the hinge, or holiday parties. They can enjoy a bit of socializing.
Kitchen table poly- The metamours like each other and become friends, can hang out in a V with the hinge, or even one-on-one.

Since you are new to poly, please feel free to check out our Golden Nuggets forum for much more info on all poly topics. It should help.

 

[Tinwen]

Just talk to him. Tell him these would make you feel safe. See if there's conflict at all.

Think about which are hard boundaries (non-negotiable dealbreakers) vs. soft boundaries (negotiable depending on circumstances).

 

[mewz]

Now, getting to meet a metamour (the partner of your partner) is not a given. Some metamours want to meet eventually. But your bf has only met her in person once. There is no knowing if this relationship is going anywhere. You can ask, but bf might refused to arrange this, or his friend might not be interested. She is dating him, not you

He did say she and her husband do want to meet with us both at some point. I just found it shocking that she wants to rush sexual activities without that happening first, since that is her wish to do, and without even giving him and me time to discuss the topic at all.

Some people do make sure to get STI labs done before having sex. Did you and bf do that as well? Didn't you two have this discussion before beginning to have sex? Just go ahead and bring it up. I'd think it was on bf's mind already, since he's had poly relationships before.

We did test before we began having sex, and since we were both clean, and pregnancy for me is not a risk, and we were monogamous, we did not use protection. That is now going to be changing, however.

 

[Ariakas]

Ok. So your boundary can apply to you. Meaning if they want to have unprotected sex with others you will need protection with him until such time as you are safe and can fluid bond with them privately.

You can ask that they respect your fluid bonding but in the end you can't force them to wear a condom. You can protect yourself.

Also expect to be challenged. What happens if this potential person connected to your hinge never has sex with anyone else.. will you be willing to share fluid bonding if it's safe. Or is fluid bonding connected to a level of connection you expect.

 

[Evie]

I just found it shocking that she wants to rush sexual activities without that happening first since that is her wish to do, and without even giving him and I time to discuss the topic at all.

If he's going out on an in person date, it's not an unreasonable expectation from her to assume that you and he have already discussed this possibility.

And your shock is likely a product of your core values, which are obviously quite different from hers. I'd suggest recognising that there is nothing wrong with either set of core values, they are just different.

Edit: my polycule is of the opinion that getting the flu or covid is far worse than getting chlamydia. The flu puts you off work, you feel miserable, and you have to ride it through. You generally don't know you have chlamydia (or syphilis, or gonorrhea) and it's cured with antibiotics. Just test regularly if there are any new partners and you'll be fine to deal with STIs.

 

[Tinwen]

He did say she and her husband do want to meet with us both at some point. I just found it shocking that she wants to rush sexual activities without that happening first, since that is her wish to do, and without even giving him and me time to discuss the topic at all.

This could be a misunderstanding in many, many ways. She's met him, she told him she's interested. Doesn't mean she intends to ignore your timeline. He could tell her "I might be interested too, but let's get to know each other better/do STD testing."
I would not be shocked by the mere expression of desire or intent (although I might feel quite overwhelmed). It's communication in progress.

 

[Ariakas]

If he's going out on an in person date, it's not an unreasonable expectation from her to assume that you and he have already discussed this possibility.

And your shock is likely a product of your core values, which are obviously quite different from hers. I'd suggest recognising that there is nothing wrong with either set of core values, they are just different.

Edit: my polycule is of the opinion that getting the flu or covid is far worse than getting chlamydia. The flu puts you off work, you feel miserable, and you have to ride it through. You generally don't know you have chlamydia (or syphilis, or gonorrhea) and it's cured with antibiotics. Just test regularly if there are any new partners and you'll be fine to deal with STIs.

this

 

[Magdlyn]

... getting the flu or covid is far worse than getting chlamydia. The flu puts you off work, you feel miserable, and you have to ride it through. You generally don't know you have chlamydia (or syphilis, or gonorrhea) and it's cured with antibiotics. Just test regularly if there are any new partners and you'll be fine to deal with STIs.

Of course HIV is the biggest concern. It takes 10-18 days after exposure for the test results to be accurate. And if you get it, you're on meds for life. It's not cured with antibiotics.

"Gay or bisexual" men are most at risk, but from my experience, there are a lot more bi men out there than you'd think, because the stigma prevents them from admitting it to women they want to date, since many women would be grossed out. Being pansexual myself, I recall talking to many men from OKCupid who listed themselves as straight on their profiles only to admit to me they were bisexual, or at least had had sex with men in the recent past. They straight-out told me they weren't really straight, but declared themselves to be so as not to narrow their dating pool with women. Hopefully this has changed a bit in the last 10-15 years.

 

[mewz]

Edit: my polycule is of the opinion that getting the flu or covid is far worse than getting chlamydia. The flu puts you off work, you feel miserable, and you have to ride it through. You generally don't know you have chlamydia (or syphilis, or gonorrhea) and it's cured with antibiotics. Just test regularly if there are any new partners and you'll be fine to deal with STIs

Sorry, but not all STI's can be cured with an antibiotic, and can be easily prevented with the use of a condom/dental dam, so why would I be okay with the risk due to the easy prevention?

 

[Evie]

Sorry, but not all STI's can be cured with an antibiotic, and can be easily prevented with the use of a condom/dental dam, so why would I be okay with the risk due to the easy prevention?

Mitigate the risk with testing. And PrEP if you're concerned about HIV.

Condoms and dental dams don't always prevent transmission of herpes either, so some people have the boundary that they won't have sex with a positive person.

Boundaries are yours to keep for yourself. Rules are when you try and control what other people do. They are generally one of the leading causes for problems.

And as I said, my polycule considers flu/covid worse and higher risk and consequence than anything else. You and your polycule are welcome to think differently.

 

[Tinwen]

Sorry, but not all STI's can be cured with an antibiotic, and can be easily prevented with the use of a condom/dental dam, so why would I be okay with the risk due to the easy prevention?

It's a balancing act. If you two are are in agreement on being a primary couple and want to only fluid-bond with each other, you can do that. Just keep in mind its an example of what we call couple privilege. Outside relationships may grow in depth to a point where being forever the one that has to use protection feels genuinely hurtful.
I'm far from saying your bf should drop protection with this new woman in a rather large polycule right away. No, I think STI prevention is very reasonable. Fluid-bonding would be a serious step for us. It's just that the risk-benefit analysis isn't always as straight-forward.

Barriers do make contact less interesting. Just imagine you are the one in love. Wanna use barriers with your sweetie forever?

 

[mewz]

Thank you for that information, and as I write this I am actively talking to him about it as well, and the info being provided from all of you, and his insight is making me not just more knowledgeable, but also more comfortable with things; so thank you so much

 

[silver-genie]

Personally, I would not date someone who required me to meet their partner before we were allowed to have sex. Nor would I want to date someone who told their partner intimate details about me without obtaining my consent, and I think I would be bothered by the level of sharing your partner is doing. When I am dating someone, I want them to know what they can offer upfront, not require permission from their partner for escalations.

You are allowed to set whatever boundaries you want to set, but keep in mind that boundaries are limits you place on your own behavior, not someone else's. Agreements are limits mutually decided that you place on each other's behavior. Rules are limits you place on someone else's behavior. You may want to come up with some safer sex agreements - such as, we will always use condoms with others, or you may want to set boundaries - such as, if you have barrierless sex with someone else, I will use barriers with you going forward.

 

[mewz]

Personally, I would not date someone who required me to meet their partner before we were allowed to have sex. Nor would I want to date someone who told their partner intimate details about me without obtaining my consent, and I think I would be bothered by the level of sharing your partner is doing. When I am dating someone, I want them to know what they can offer upfront, not require permission from their partner for escalations.

You are allowed to set whatever boundaries you want to set, but keep in mind that boundaries are limits you place on your own behavior, not someone else's. Agreements are limits mutually decided that you place on each other's behavior. Rules are limits you place on someone else's behavior. You may want to come up with some safer sex agreements - such as, we will always use condoms with others, or you may want to set boundaries - such as, if you have barrierless sex with someone else, I will use barriers with you going forward.

After he and I talked, and taking in the sage advice that was given here, we have agreed that yea all parties prior should have some kind of screening but after that he and I will be screening ourselves because if we don't have anything, then neither do they. At that point choosing to use protection will be our individual choice.

As far as meeting each other's anchor partner as a group before we take the step into sex with our new partners even he said he was surprised by her suddenness because SHE (found this out while we discussed things) is the one who wants both of us to meet with her and her husband so we can discuss each other's boundaries, comforts, discomforts beforehand and how we can work through and communicate those.

 

[Tinwen]

As far as meeting each other's anchor partner as a group before we take the step into sex with our new partners even he said he was surprised by her suddenness because SHE (found this out while we discussed things) is the one who wants both of us to meet with her and her husband so we can discuss each other's boundaries, comforts, discomforts beforehand and how we can work through and communicate those.

Great, you seem on the same page after all. It's a choice, and definitely not a bad one, to discuss boundaries together!

Requesting a meeting from the position of the established partner can sometimes be tricky, because depending on the motivations and how they are communicated, it might come over as controlling. Could even feel like an interrogation to the new person No-one likes to be subject to veto power, even early on... On the other hand, if your poly style is more kitchen-table/ intertwined, it's understandable that you wanna see if there are basic human sympathies! So timing and phrasing is important. Approaches differ.

New relationships are fragile. When I tried to date years ago, Idealist always wanted to establish connection with the potential. But it was way to soon for my taste! I mean, on dates 1, 2, 3, I don't even yet know if this is going to be a thing. Maybe they are not interested. Maybe I'm not interested! So I thought it was way too much drama for a newly forming connection. Don't you fucking insert yourself on my choice! Don't scare my potential away! Of course I thought they would meet eventually, I just didn't see the point until there is something really going on.

On the other hand, asking to meet your potentials' partner could be seen as either unnecessary or very reasonable, depending on many variables. If I wanna kink with someone, I wanna hear about their relationship boundaries from them. As suggested, it's a good sign if they already know and don't have to go ask their partner first
But a friend of mine has been lied to - she only found out later that the man she played with and his wife were not on the same page. She will always request a meeting now to ensure consent is real.

So the lady wanting to meet could mean any number of things. Could be they have a more kitchen-table poly style and it's their usual protocol. Could be she understands you are new and wants to see how (un)comfortable you really are. Either way, your wishes align, and that's important.